Rumor Has It

I stood on the edge of the building. I was on top it, atleast thirty stories up. I looked down as the city lights danced, that might have been because of all I had done tonight. I never thought it would ever come to this, but I've been pushed away long enough.

Hi, I'm Lexi, just so you know. And I'm about to jump off this building to end it all. Tonight I've done at least five rails of coke, I lost count on how many bowls of meth I rolled, and I've been smoking weed all day as well as drinking. I still clasped onto a bottle of Southern Comfort.

I took a long swig as I looked at the bottle. It was now empty, so I tossed it behind me. No sense in taking anyone out with me.

My blond and red hair whipped around my face as the wind kicked up. I wore my fave "Survival of the Fittest" black hoodie with my Mana, "Amar Es Compartir" shirt with some skinny black jeans and my black Dickie's shoes. But I'm not the fittest, thus my ending of this life. And apparently Raymond didn't believe that love was about sharing.

Raymond had been my boyfriend/fiance for almost two years. I've been with him and only him for those two, I thought the were, amazing years. But now that he's in Oregon, he's been treating me differently.

I call him, or try to call him, on a daily basis. He was supposed to be home this weekend. Instead he was stuck in the snow and he said some bull shit about his family not having any money to go back home with for gas.

Bull shit in my opinion. But that's because the rumors are finally getting to me, and Raymond is no longer denying them. That's what hurts the most, is when you're fiance doesn't even deny the most hurtful of rumors.

I heard that he left me. That I'm too naive in thinking that he'd come back for me. That he's not there to see his brother. That he's going to cheat on me. That we're no longer engaged.

That last one brings tears to my eyes. I look at my ring. I actually tried giving it back to him. But he came back and put it on my finger. He said that it belonged there, and that I wasn't ever for a single second supposed to think that he didn't love me. Because he said that he loved me with all of his heart.

Then why would he treat me so? I called last night and tried to tell him that a friend gave us a ride home. And that he stayed with me and Lucinda to watch movies and get stoned. It wasn't like I was alone with him. Harley might like me, and feels that he lost out on me, but I have no feelings for him.

Yesterday was akward as hell, because the words he spoke were the same exact ones that I miss from Raymond. Raymond had never left my mind. And that whole day, Harley kept reminding me of him. Which wasn't what was supposed to happen.

Usually me and Lucinda do things that make me detach from the reality of Raymond being gone. Whether it's getting stoned and just bullshitting, or watching some girly movies at home. I miss Raymond, and he's not disapproving those rumors that we're through.

He spoke so sharp and short sentences like I was the last person he wanted to talk to. So today I'm not going to call him. Or tomorrow, or the day after. I'll be busy being dead. Maybe he'll feel better that he doesn't really have to break up with me.

I look down at the ground once more. There's just people walking by. None seem to be really interested in this girl standing on top of the apartment building looking for an escape. I begin to loose balance a little, but I catch myself.

I don't get it. Raymond didn't get mad like that when I told him that I was visiting with Michael at Angelina's house. And I stayed there for like three days. And it's not like Mike was trying to get in my pants, but the thing was that I think he sees me like an older sister. And that's exactly how I see him, he's my younger brother in a sense.

And Harley, will forever remain as nothing more than my friend's ex-boyfriend. I never had an interest in high school, and I certainly don't right now either. I only have eyes for Raymond. The one that I thought was like my personal saviour.

It was with him by the grace of god that I postponed jumping off this building long ago. And now he's pushing me off. I've grown tired of being treated like shit. I was hoping that when he gets back from Oregon that he would change.

Let me tell you what happened the week prior to Raymond leaving for Oregon. Well, his brother passed away on the 27th of January. I felt bad for him, I honestly did. Because Lionel was the only one who called me "sister-in-law" and he made me promise to take care of Shawn a few months prior to his death.

But since then, Raymond shut down. He won't speak, he didn't hang out like he used to, he just sat around. I felt worried because this wasn't his normal behavior, but I tried to get him to talk about it. He wouldn't say much. But everytime I try to pry, he'd get mad at something I'd say and then we'd end up arguing again.

So I gave up, and let him sulk by himself. I'd just watch him hurt, but he never realized that it was hurting me watching him like that. I felt like a failure of a wife-to-be. I should be able to do something, say something, anything to make him feel better.

I remember when he took me to a field. It was beautiful. The grass was green underneath the shade of a huge acorn tree. Flowers sprouted in random spots and a little tiny creek ran through the field.

We laid in the grass together. At first we were quiet, and enjoyed the space around us. Then he said that he wanted to die. I said that I'd die with him, and he told me to go home and have a good life. I told him that there was no way I was going to have a good life without him.

He kept aruguing that point, by saying that I'm going to find someone younger who would sweep me off my feet. I have to disagree because I want to have a family, a man who would stand with me until the end of time.

Once upon a time, I thought that man was Raymond, but lately he keeps pushing me away. He told me before that I shouldn't take that personal, but how could I not when even the man I love doesn't want me to hold him, let alone kiss him like I used to.

I feel like a worthless barbie with a leg missing and the hair chopped off in the garbage. He's through with me, and I should admit that. But I can't, it hurts too much. The tears pour from my eyes as I close them. I see every memory that I've had with Raymond pass through like a slideshow on speed.

It stops on a photo of me with Raymond and his friend, who happened to be my friend, best friend at that. Raymond held my hand behind Alex's back, as Alex put his arm on my shoulders as he explained some far-out story.

The first time I seen that it made me want to cry. I felt bad about being the second friend with benefits, but what me and Raymond had, I felt was real. And now, I'm not too sure. Alex and Raymond still talk, and the word on the street is that Alex is trying to get Raymond back.

Well, now Raymond will get his wish. I look down at the ground for the last time. I spread my arms out like I'm going to fly. One foot over the edge and I jump off as I took one last deep breath.

My heart races, as I panic. The air whips around me as I descend I see myself getting closer to the ground. I look up momentarily and see the stars, they seem to dance in my eyes.

I feel one last painful landing and I fade into a world of black as people scream in horror. I quickly fade as I close my eyes. The last thing I see is Raymond, hopefully he'll be fine without me.