Our Heat Is Gone

Hesitantly, my hand reached for the door knob then retreated from it and then went back for it a couple of times. I was getting a bit frustrated with deciding on whether or not on letting him in. I did need to talk to him and face him though.

Finally gathering up the guts to open the door and become face to face with my almost fiance and boyfriend of four years, I stepped aside and he knew to walk in. I closed the door behind him and turned around to face him. He tousled his hair around with a hand that wasn't in his pockets out of nervous habit and shifted his weight from one leg to the other.

There was the moment of awkward silence between us. We both knew we had something to say and wanted to get it out, but who was going to start?

"Okay..." He started. "First, I'm sorry that I reacted like a jerk. I wasn't expecting you to say no. I really thought you would say yes and we'd be happier. I mean we are happy, right? You probably had your reason to have said no to me. You probably thought I was taking our relationship to the extreme level or how we're too young or how I'm always touring or how mental I am..." He was rambling.

"Josh, stop. You're rambling." I said cutting him off.

"Sorry." He apologized and looked around, not being able to look me in the eye. I think he finally caught something that was out of place. He knows my home. "Um, what happened to your stuff?"

I opened my mouth and closed it and opened it, but then closed it again. This would be the part where I finally tell him.

"I'm moving."

"Oh, okay to what street?"

"Home."

"Home?" He asked sort of nervously and finally looking me in eye. He knew where my real home was too. "What do you mean? This is your home, Lexi. Right here in Weybridge...in Surrey...in the UK." He stressed out. He was catching on because he came closer to me and took my hands in his.

I just shook my head and tried to pry my hands away from his, but he just held them tighter and brought us closer. "No, Josh. My home is in Tempe, in Arizona, in the US." I corrected him.

Just like my action with trying to spit out what I had to say, Josh's mouth opened and closed and when he said something he stuttered. "Wha-what. No, no. Why are you even leaving?"

"My grandma is..." I paused. I didn't feel like saying my grandma was dying. So I changed my words. "She's not feeling well and I have to go back home and see her."

"But it's not like she's-" He started talking without thinking and I knew where he was going to with that so I just beat him to it.

"She is dying okay!" I spat and pushed him away from me gently. I was surprised that his grip didn't tighten. He just let me out of his grasp and I turned away from him. I was going to cry. I thought about my grandma once again dying away and I was still a country away explaining it to my boyfriend that I had to leave which was just adding on to everything.

"Lexi, I didn't know. I didn't mean to-" He said softly.

"I know, Josh." I said and wiped my eyes, still not turning around to face him.

"I know how much your grandma means to you." His voice was getting closer so I took that he stepped closer to me. "How long are you going to be gone for?"

I shrugged.

"Are you coming back?"

I shrugged once again. I heard him sigh and take a few steps back. He was probably gripping his hair or running his hands along his face in frustration. If there was one thing I knew it was that Josh hated it when someone would just shrug and not elaborate on the situation.

"For Pete's sake, Lexi!" He just blew up. I flinched at his outburst and still had my back against him. "Are you or are you not?" He said with his voice still raised.

"I'm not!" I yelled turning around getting a bit angry now. "I'm not coming back!" I couldn't handle this. We've never yelled at each other in anger.

"You're not?" He asked now with his voice lowering with fear.

"I don't know, honestly. I might not. It's-" I was cut off with the return of my mom coming in from the front door.

"Lexi, what is going on? I thought I heard yelling. Oh, hello Josh." My mom said noticing him.

"No, mom. No one was yelling." I lied trying to change the tone of my voice and hide the evidence of me crying earlier. I tend to slip a few tears when I get angry.

"Are you crying, honey?" She asked setting her stuff down, coming closer to me and cupping my face to expect me. My eyes were probably a bit red and still watery. I didn't look up at her, instead my eyes diverted over to Josh's figure. I guess my mom caught on and realized I had some argument with Josh about leaving him and it was probably a boyfriend and girlfriend thing. It was bound to happen. She let go of my face and turned to look at Josh.

"I think it's time for you to go home now, Josh. Our flight tomorrow is in the morning. You can stop by and say goodbye with the rest of the guys then." She told him nicely and all Josh did was nod, said goodnight, then walk out the front door.

"You should go up and go to bed now, Lexi." My mom said turning back around to face me. I nodded and began walking up the stairs. "Are you going to be alright?" She asked lastly making sure.

"Yeah." I lied and began to quickly walk up the rest of the steps to my room before she could ask anything else. I was doubting he would show up with the guys tomorrow morning. That wasn't how I wanted to leave Josh.