My Darling Irish Girl - Ianto Jones

"SAOIRSE"
"Huh? What?" I looked out of my duvet to see Siobhan standing over me, "Siobhan? What time is it?" I rolled over to go back to sleep when Siobhan yanked my duvet off me, "cold, Siobhan you better have a good reason for doing that or you'll be walking down the aisle in crutches"
"Do you know what time it is?" she yelled,
"No hence why I asked earlier" I replied sleepily,
"It's eleven in the morning, my wedding is in two hours and you're not even out of your bloody bed!"
"I'm up, I'm up" I took some clean underwear and went to the bathroom for a quick shower, "pity there wasn't a pill to make her mellow the hell out, oh wait that's weed" I laughed "and we all know what happens to Siobhan on weed" I shuddered at the memory of Siobhan throwing up rings round herself,
"SAORISE HURRY UP!" she yelled,
"Jaysus chill the bap!" I unlocked the bathroom door and Siobhan shoved my dress into my arms, "taffeta lovely" Siobhan gave me the evil eye, "alright bride-zilla chill the bap" I slipped into the dress and put my big boots and the holster for my guns under it, if mummy nostrovite was still about I'd need all the weapons I had, putting a few extra clips in my bag along with my phone I went to help Siobhan with her dress,
"I'm so excited" she said bouncing on the spot as her Ma brought the dress over from the wardrobe, "Oh My God! Saoirse what happened to your face?" Siobhan gasped,
"You don't remember?" Siobhan shook her head,
"I think I had a bit too much to drink" she laughed,
"I got into a fight, some girl claimed I spilt her drink on her when I didn't and she clawed her fake nails down my face" I said like it was the most common thing in the world, "it doesn't look that bad does it?" I took a look at myself in the full length mirror Siobhan was standing in, "make up will cover it sure, come on then bride-zilla into the meringue"
"It's not a meringue!" Siobhan said pointing a finger at me,
"So you admit to being a bride-zilla then" I laughed lacing up her corset,
"Maybe a wee bit" she said holding up her finger and thumb,
"Yeah a wee bit" I said widening the gap between her finger and thumb, "you're allowed to be though, it's your big day and after this I'll never see you again cause Tommy'll keep you all to himself to rear his weans and you'll just be Mummy and my best friend will die" I said dramatically,
"And you tell me to chill the bap like" Siobhan shook her head at me,
"And if he hits you a chop you know the first person to call after you wallop him with the heaviest inanimate object you can find that'll cause the most pain"
"Then you'll come with your bat and do his knees in and make him regret laying a hand on me I know, but Tommy isn't gonna hit me a chop. Now help me put my hair up"

<hr>

"How're things with the blushing bride?"
"Everything seems ok, I haven't seen Mummy anywhere, not that I'd know what she looks like until she's chewing on my ovaries … which wouldn't be such a bad thing. I don't actually need my ovaries"
"I'm going to ignore that"
"What no 'I once knew a girl with no ovaries, one of the best weekends of my life' joke? You're slipping Jack" I laughed, "oops g-t-g here comes the bride" I shut my phone and turned to Siobhan, "you look like an angel" I smiled kindly,
"Is the car here yet?" she asked tightening her grip on her bouquet,
"Not yet, relax. Things are gonna be fine" I put my hand on her bare shoulder comfortingly; "nothing is going to spoil your big day I promise. Look there's the car"
Siobhan had gone against the traditional limo to take us to the chapel, instead we were going in an old fashioned car with ribbons tied to the front,
"Pile in then" Siobhan called to Eimear and the girls from work, Siobhan got into the back with Eimear and the two girls from work and I got in the front next to the driver,
"Bout ye, listen I work for the government and I have reason to believe someone is going to try and crash the wedding so can you be extra careful?"
"No bother love"
"Great send the invoice to 'torchwood' for the attention of Saoirse. Are we all ready to go back there?" I asked the girls in the back of the car,
"Beat on, I have a wedding to get to!" Siobhan laughed,
"I say driver, drive on" my accent got pretty thick and the driver laughed,
"Off we go then ladies" I took out my phone again and text Jack to let him know we were on our way to the chapel and then text Ciaran to keep an eye out for anyone he didn't recognise and to tell the lads the same thing.

<hr>

"Oh my god I'm so nervous" Siobhan gripped her bouquet tighter turning her knuckles white,
"Don't worry honey I'll be right beside you the whole time" the music started in the chapel, "that's my cue" I kissed Siobhan on the cheek, took a deep breath and the doors of the chapel opened and we all walked in.
As I walked up the aisle I saw a lot of familiar faces, family, friends and "jack!" I hissed but kept on walking,
"Who was that guy in the coat?" Eimear whispered to me when we got to our seats, "he's deadly looking"
"He's my boss" I whispered back not moving my head, having perfected whispering in mass years ago,
"What about the two with him" my face dropped, I hadn't seen the other two,
"I work with them" I replied scanning the chapel for anyone I didn't know, a lot from Tommy's side of the family, I knew most of them but there was one woman in black I didn't know,
"Nostrovite" I whispered as I watched her gaze focus on Siobhan, "shit" I turned my head around and locked eyes with Ianto and then looked at the nostrovite, he nodded and tapped Jack, who was flirting with Tommy's sister from across the chapel.
He looked up and I titled my head toward the nostrovite and Jack nodded, Saoirse and Tommy were taking their vows and the nostrovite appeared to be keeping a low profile, probably didn't think anyone knew she was here.
Then she turned to look at the crowd and her eyes locked on mine, shit.
The nostrovite snarled and lunged for me, I took out a gun from under my dress and blew a hole in its head and of course people started screaming,
"For the love of god" I groaned and put my fingers in my mouth and whistled, everyone stopped, "thank you, now if I can have your attention please. Most of you know me and you trust me, so here's what you're going to do. You're all going to exit the chapel in an orderlyfashion and this ceremony will continue in a garden or something alright? Good, off you go" I took my phone out of my bag and called Paddy,
"Saoirse? Two calls in two days it must be my birthday"
"I have a situation here Paddy, something is trying to ruin Siobhan's big day, can you round up the likely lads and get down here? And bring me some clothes I can actually run in"
"Yes ma'am" I hung up the phone as Jack, Ianto and Owen came running up to me,
"Hang on I'm pretty sure this thing isn't dead yet" I nudged the nostrovite with my boot and sure enough it sprang up and went for my face, I shot it again in the stomach and managed to move out of the way, unfortunately Eimear was stupid and managed to get in the way of the nostrovite,
"You killed my mate!" it hissed,
"Yeah and I enjoyed it too" I taunted, "let her go" I tried reasoning with the Nostrovite, "she's not important to you"
"And why should I listen to you?" the nostrovite hissed again,
"Cause if you don't I'll blow a hole in your kneecaps next" I cocked my gun and aimed it at the right kneecap, "your choice" the nostrovite howled and scratched Eimear's throat making blood pour out of it,
"Owen!" Jack yelled,
"Got it" Owen knelt down beside Eimear and tried to stop the blood flow,
"Ianto, Saoirse after that thing!" Jack yelled chasing after the fleeing nostrovite, we burst through the chapel doors and I saw Paddy's jeep coming up the path,
"Paddy thank god!" he jumped out of the jeep and handed me a tan pile of clothes, "life saver, right there are frightened guests here and a priest I'm pretty sure cacked himself. Can you get them to safety? And I'm gonna need to borrow some of your lads"
"Ma'am" Paddy saluted and then walked off giving orders,
"I need to change" I said to Ianto and Jack "back in a minute"
"You'll need this" Jack handed me a com, I out it in my ear and went back into the chapel.
Owen was still tending to Eimear, "how's she doing?" I asked,
"Not good she's losing a lot of blood" Owen replied, "the SUV is round the back if I can get her out and into it I can get her to a hospital"
"Go I'll get you covered" I texted Paddy to guard the back of the chapel until Owen got clear with Eimear then changed out of my dress into the clothes Paddy had brought for me including a black beret, when I stepped back outside a few people gasped,
"What's wrong?" Ianto asked looking around for the nostrovite,
"Nothing, they just haven't seen me dressed like this in a long time is all" I adjusted my beret and walked over to the group of men Paddy had left me, "what we're looking for is a person who when you find them will probably have very sharp teeth and nails. They attacked the bride's sister and ruined the wedding; when you find it radio me. Someone give me a radio" one of the men handed me a radio, "off you go then" they saluted and ran off to find the nostrovite,
"As for you and I eye candy we're going to take care of the bride" we walked off and found Siobhan and the rest of the guests including my brothers and parents,
"Saoirse" Ma said looking pained, "I thought you were done with all this?"
"I am Ma, someone apparently doesn't know that and figured I'd let my guard down at a wedding. This is Ianto he's going to help" I walked over to Saoirse and put my hand on her shoulder, "how're you holding up?"
"What was that thing?" she asked
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. But don't worry we'll have everyone back in the chapel in no time and you can still get married" I stood up and walked over to where Tommy and his best man Padraig were standing, "lads"
"Saoirse, what's going on?" Tommy asked, "All I wanted to do today was get married and now this"
"Don't worry I'm taking care of it" I assured him, "Jack anything?" I asked touching the com in my ear,"Nothing yet"
"Lads" I asked into the radio
"Nothing yet Ma'am … wait what the hell?" there was gunfire on the other end of the radio, "we've found it ma'am chasing it in your direction now" the line went dead,
"Ianto" I yelled, "get Siobhan and everyone out of here. Padraig do you have your bat with you?"
"Y-yeah it's in the car we came in"
"Do you have a ball as well?"
"Y-yeah in the car"
"Get out of here; run as far as you can" he didn't move, "Didn't you hear me? RUN" I touched the com again, "Jack that thing's headed this way"
"I'm on my way"
I ran to the car the lads had come in and took Padraig's bat and ball from the back seat and ran back to where Ianto was trying to get everyone to move but the nostrovite was running towards them all and they were too scared to move,
"Oh no you don't" I threw the ball in the air and hit it as hard as I could at the back of the Nostrovites head, the ball impacted with a sickening thwap sound and the connection from the brain to the rest of the body was severed and the nostrovite lay dead on the ground,
"Nice shot" Ianto complimented me when I walked over,
"The team I played for were all Ireland Under 21 champions" I explained,
"Is it dead?" Siobhan asked,
"Yeah its dead, are you alright?" I asked noticing she was shaking,
"Well put it this way, it's a day I'll never forget"
"That's for sure" I laughed, "alright everyone if I can have your attention please, if you're still on for it there are two people who'd like to get married here today"

<hr>

"And by the power vested in me by our lord Jesus Christ, I now pronounce you Man, and Wife, eventually. You may kiss the bride" Tommy kissed Siobhan and everyone cheered, I was still standing in my 'RA gear but it didn't matter.
The happy couple walked down the aisle and I followed along with the other two girls and Padraig,
"This was one hell of a wedding" Padraig said to me when I got into the car with him and the girls,
"Almost impossible to forget" I said knowingly.
When we got to the hotel the reception was at I changed back into my dress for pictures but then back out of it after dinner. After Siobhan and Tommy had their first dance and the drink was flowing I helped Jack Retcon the families as well as Paddy and his lads so they wouldn't remember the nostrovite but they'd remember the wedding,
"So there are different levels of Retcon?" I asked propping my feet up on the table,
"Different situations call for different things" Jack explained, "so aren't you going to dance?" he asked nodding to the dance floor packed full of people high on Retcon,
"Nope, I don't dance" I said taking a sip of my whiskey,
"But you're far too pretty to be a wallflower" Jack laughed,
"Watch it Harkness" I warned playfully, "speaking of pretty, I got up and stood in front of Ianto, "feel like dancing eye candy?"
"Only if you don't call me that" Ianto said standing up,
"Deal" we found an empty spot on the crowded dance floor, "so what can I call you then?"
"Ianto, it's my name. so what did you mean earlier when you said that people hadn't seen you dressed like this in a while? If you don't mind my asking"
"Nah its fine, did you notice that Paddy and his lads were dressed the same and they all saluted me?" Ianto nodded, "well that's because this is the 'uniform' of the Irish Republican Army" I explained, "I joined when I was sixteen"
"Why?" Ianto asked
"My Granda was a member when he was younger but he quit when I was born. First girl grand-baby, he spoiled me rotten because of it.
One day, I was six years old, I'd been suspended from school for biting a girl and Granda was taking care of me while Ma and Daddy were at work.
He'd run out of cigarettes and we were going to the shop to buy more, he said he'd buy me a lucky bag but I wasn't allowed to tell my Ma. When we got to the shop I picked out a lucky bag and Granda paid for it.
Someone had seen us go in though, from the UVF and they sent someone into the shop to deal with us, the guy set off a bomb in the shop. Granda protected me from the blast as best he could but I still got hurt.
A pipe went through my stomach, just missing anything vital, and of course I had some cuts and bruises from a shop falling on me, a broken leg and a dislocated shoulder.
When I woke up in hospital they told me Granda was 'resting' he was in a coma, I was allowed to go and see him when the doctors said I was alright but I wasn't in the room two minutes until he had a massive cardiac arrest and he died in front of me.
To this day I hate hospitals"
"I'm so sorry. Something happened to me as well.
I had a girlfriend, her name was Lisa and when all those Cybermen appeared they took her away for an 'upgrade' but she was only half way finished when the battle ended so I took her out of there and hid her.
When I got my job in Torchwood I moved her to the basement and did a lot of research on Cybernetics online and found the expert in the field. He was from japan so I used my wages to fly him to Cardiff hoping he could help.
But something went wrong, Lisa she, went mad. She killed the professor and then tried to 'upgrade' the team, Jack made her look at herself to try and reason with her but she killed the girl who normally brought us pizza.
Then Jack killed her"
"I'm so sorry, it's hard isn't it? Losing someone you love that much" Ianto didn't say anything but I understood, I hugged him tightly and we went to sit down again.
A few minutes later everyone started falling asleep, when the last person passed out we called Owen in the hospital and he said he'd already Retconed Eimear and he'd be out to help in five minutes.
So in the meanwhile Ianto, Jack and I carried people to different hotel rooms and parts of the hotel, obviously making it look like they'd passed out,
"So still want to come and work with us in Cardiff?" Jack asked when I'd shut the door to Saoirse and Tommy's room,
"Of course, family is important but if I'm here much longer you won't be able to understand a word I say. Plus I might kill my brothers"
"Your accent has gotten broader since you've been here. I'm having trouble understanding you at all"
"Shut up!" I shoved Jack and went to check on Ianto,
"Everyone's out cold" he said,
"So I was wondering, when we get back to Cardiff, there's a new Chinese place opened by the bay, fancy it?"
"Saturday at eight alright for you"
"Perfect" I walked off and made sure I was around a corner before I did my happy dance
<hr>

-Gwen's Wedding 9 months later-

"Does anyone else have that déjà vu feeling?" I asked running around the hotel
"Can't imagine what you mean" Owen said sarcastically
"You know, running around a wedding after a nostrovite. Just feels like we've done this before somehow"
"I think you're hallucinating Saoirse, it's the anorexia" Ianto said,
"Here! You're not supposed to agree with Owen! What kind of boyfriend are you?"
"You two can have your lovers tiff later, Saoirse that nostrovite is headed in your direction" Jack said into the com,
"On it, see if you can keep up eye candy" I laughed running to intercept the nostrovite that ruined Gwen's wedding, "seriously though do these things just live to ruin weddings or what?"
"Wouldn't have a clue" Ianto said catching up to me,
"Nice to see you made it love. There she is!" the nostrovite that had taken the shape of Rhys' mum was running towards the barn Gwen and Rhys where hiding in. I aimed my gun and shot the nostrovite in the head, didn't go down,
"Jack we're going to need a bigger gun" Ianto said as we chased the nostrovite
"On it" Ianto and I chased the nostrovite to the barn when Jack came running along with a giant ass gun,
"What in the name of arse?"
"Rhys, you're a bad boy and you know what bad boys get!" the nostrovite yelled, jack pulled the trigger and the nostrovite exploded into a mess of black blood and organs,
"Gross," I said wiping some gunk from my t-shirt, "well then you two are you going to romp in the hay the rest of the day or are you going to get married?" Gwen and Rhys left the barn with Owen and Jack "and as for you" I hit Ianto in the arm,
"Ow!"
"That's what you get for agreeing with Owen" Ianto rubbed his arm,
"That actually hurt, you might need to kiss it better" he smirked,
"Come here" I grabbed onto the lapels of Ianto's jacket and brought his lips down to my own, putting my arms around his neck Ianto brushed his tongue over my lips,
"OI! Romeo and Juliet, get a move on" Owen yelled,
"Git" I scowled, Ianto laughed,
"Come on you, the wedding fairy needs to make an appearance and she can't if you're not there"
"Alright then, come on, we'll finish this later" I winked at Ianto and stepped out into the sunlight again "Another wedding crisis averted by Torchwood, we should go into the wedding planning business, make a fortune" I thought, "thank god I'm never getting married"
"Never say never, love" Ianto said mocking my accent,
"Póg mo thón" Ianto just laughed and we made our way back to the hotel