I See Your Life in My Hands

It’s in the middle of the night and the darkness has overtaken New Jersey. The streets are clear. Every car is parked. Everyone is sleeping, not knowing what is happening outside their houses. Maybe they don’t want to know, at least I wouldn’t if I was them, but I already know. I know a lot more than I should, about a lot of stuff, stuff you wouldn’t even dream of knowing like raping, crime, murder. If I knew earlier what this would end up like I would have stopped it. I would have walked away, and not even think about looking back. Living in this hell is the worst living you can end up doing.

I ask the driver to turn to the left. “Jenny Wilds Street”. The street no one ever walks through. The street not even the police bother visiting, the street that you would rather take a major detour around than walk through. It is almost totally dark out there tonight, just a few specks of flashing lights. It seems empty, but if you look closely you’ll notice the faces looking up from their dirty blankets. Their faces are plastered with fear. The car drives slowly. I glance at them. They all look the same: scared, dirty and hungry. I almost feel sorry for them, but I don’t have a choice, or maybe I do, but I really need this. I point out one boy, and asked the driver to stop. I’m pointing at the little guy. He stands up, shaking. He knows what is going to happen. Everybody knows. He jumps into the car. He sits next to me. The smell of his dirt makes my nose numb. He touches his lip anxious, while he is gazing at me. I try to smile to him, but no matter what his face stays the same, scared and without any expression. I reach out my hand and touch his hair carefully. It’s dirty as well. He looks at me. Oh god. He looks so innocent.

“How old are you?” I ask him.
“Eighteen” The boy replies with a soft voice.
“Aha. And your name?”
“Frank.” He whispers.
“Nice, mine is Gerard.” I tell him.
“Oh…”
“Well, you’re ready Frank?”

He doesn’t answer, just look down and starting to take off his shirt. A pale chest appears. He is skinny, poor guy. But shit. I can’t feel sorry for him, ‘cause if I do, this will turn out totally wrong. I move closer to him, he’s breathing heavily. I lean forward and begin kissing his lips. They’re oh so soft. He kisses me back, he has done this before, he knows what to do. I break the kiss, just so he can move onto my lap. We kiss again. He licks my bottom lip slowly, carefully, making me melt in his arms. I kiss him down his neck; I don’t mind the dirt he is covered in. His breathing becomes even heavier as he feels my growing erection. Does he like it? Is he just playing along, knowing he doesn’t have a choice? I smile, but it fades rapidly when I suddenly feel something wet running down my cheek. A tear? I look at Frank. His eyes are bloodshot, red and swollen. He cries.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him, pretending I care.
“Oh god. I’m just so fucking stupid. Never mind!” he says, and put up a fake smile.
“Here, boy.” I say and pull up a white little plastic bag from my pocket. White powder.
“Cocaine?” He ask, frightened.
“It’s not dangerous, it’s good! Makes you happier.” I tell him, opening the little bag. I make a long white stripe with the powder on my finger, sniffing it all. Frank looks at me with curiosity in his eyes. I pull his hand forward and make a stripe on his finger too. He stares at me for a moment before he sniffs it all too. We wait some seconds before both of us feel the drugs invade our blood. I smile at him, wipe his tears away, and start from where we stopped.

Carefully I start to unbutton his pants. Slowly, almost passionately, like I really care for him, but I don’t. I don’t care for the tiny guy sitting in my lap, selling his body. Fuck, life really is shitty. But it’s just a game, just a game. Everyone is pretending. Frank pretends he likes it. I pretend I care for him. The driver in the front seat pretends he don’t hear a shit. Fake.

Frank start to kiss my jaw line while placing his hands around my torso. They are cold and sweaty. His icy blues are piercing me, but his stare is empty. Frank opens his mouth like he is going to say something, but he stays silent.

“Frank?” I try.
“Gerard… Why… Why are you so caring?” He stutters.
“Uhm… Caring?” Is it the drug that makes him talk bullshit?
“Yeah, most just screw me as fast as they got in their cars, getting an orgasm, paying me and kicks me out of the car and ask me if I please can go to hell.”
“Really?” I never do it that way.
“Yeah. But you, Gerard. You makes me feel welcome, like you actually like my company and are not way too ashamed of me to care.” Frank smiles, he seems happy. Maybe not happy, but pleased. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am caring. It feels like Frank and I have been in the car forever, but I know we haven’t, we were just captured in the moment.

“I like you Gerard.” Frank whisper. I barely hear it.
“I like you Frank” Oh shit! I did not say that, did I?

The little boy looks up at me, smiling.

“Really?” What am I supposed to answer? I have no idea if I really like him. I cant like him. I can’t like Frank; he’s a hooker for fucks sake.
“Uhm, sure.” I answer quietly and start kissing him again, trying to avoid the topic.

For the third time I start to unbutton his pants. He smiles and prepares himself for a fuck, and, damn, he almost isn’t even legal. Oh god, I have to stop thinking so goddamn much about him. As long as I’ll pay him, nothing is wrong with this. Slowly I pull his pants of, while he takes of his own shirt. Frank’s pale chest appears. He looks so goddamn innocent sitting on my lap, in his boxers only. Slightly I move my hand down to his boxer, touching his length and teasing him while he pulls my shirt off. He kisses my chest, and starts to unbutton my pants.

When he finally manages to pull them off I demand him on his knees. He knows what’s coming. Slowly he pulls down my boxer, and starts to touch my cock, not as carefully as he used to. He takes a deep breath before starting to suck me off. He’s awesome, and I guess his done this a thousand times before.

“Frank, uhh, you are… way too amazing…” I manage to moan between deep breaths. Even with my cock in his mouth, I can see he is smiling, and he starts to suck harder.

“Oh shit!” I whimper. This man really is awesome, amazing, or however you describe a man that really knows how to suck you off.

I know my orgasm is right around the corner, so I pull out of Frank’s mouth.

I fall back to the seat, warm and a bit sweaty after the orgasm. Frank still smiles and ask quietly if I… liked it?

“Sure, boy.” I reply. He gives me a disappointed face. Wasn’t he satisfied with the answer? Well, I don’t care. He is just a hooker from the dirty streets of New Jersey anyway, so why should I care in the first place?

Frank prepares for a new round, but I pull him off. The thought about me paying this poor boy for having sex with me has taken over my mind again. I try to shake them off but it doesn’t help. I ask him to put his clothes on again because we are finished. A new disappointed face, but I try not to care.

When both of us are dressed, I light a cigarette and lean back to the seat. I’m tired, and it wasn’t because of the blowjob, but this extremely annoying thoughts about Frank, stalking me again.

“Gerard?” Frank asks me, but I pretend not to notice.

“Gerard?” He tries again, a bit louder while poking me.

“Yes, Frank?” I reply coldly.

“Well, you told me you like me. But, does that mean you will come back?” Not sure what to answer I just keep gazing out the window.

“Because I wouldn’t mind! Really!” He puts up a fake smile on his face trying to convince me.

“You don’t have to pay much either! I can put up a special offer, just for you!” I turn my head and his eyes piercing me.

“I don’t know Frank…” I reply as coldly as I did last time.

“I’ll do it free Gerard!”

“You wouldn’t make it if you didn’t earn anything Frank.”

“Well okay… But since it’s so cold tonight, can I please stay over at your place?”

“Frank, drop it.” I say, a bit frustrated.

“What’s up Gerard” He asks me, softly.

“Frank, could you just…”

“What?”

“Can you just get the fuck out of my car?” Oh no, where did that come from?

“Gerard, what’s the matter? Why are you suddenly so angry?” He sniffles, and I can see his face turning even paler.

“Frank! Can you just get the fuck out of my car?” I tell him, quite loudly.

“But… I don’t get it…” The boy stutters.

“How much do you need Frank” I ask and pull out my wallet.

“I-I don’t know…” He responds quite confused.

“Here, I give you this much, and it should last for a couple of days” I tell him and give the boy 500 dollars. He stares first at the money, then at me.

“And now, get you lazy ass out of my car okay?” I say and push him out.

“But Gerard, I thought you liked me! I thought you cared!”

“Frank, face it. You are a hooker, nobody cares for a hooker!” I spat. I can see the tears that begin running down his white cheeks, while he climbs out of the car.

“Goodbye Gerard, hope I’ll never ever see you again!” He stutters before slamming the car door shut.