The Way You Fell KILLED ME!

I still hear your voice when I'm alone, sometimes when I wake up in a morning I think it was all a bad dream, but then I realise your still dead. Like you always will be, I get the feeling like you’re watching over me, but then I just think I'm stupid. I can’t let you go, even though I have to. It feels like you were always meant to be here, with me. But I guess, even if you were alive you would go against everything I discovered about you, and you would still be with her.
*****
Toby.

Hi. I’m Toby, and I’m 19. I love rugby, football and I have a severe addiction to coke (the drink). Make that Dr Pepper. I have scruffy blonde hair, and brown eyes. I'm quite tall, about 6ft maybe a bit more. I don’t have any family, they were taken away from me by a cruel accident, but that's enough of that. I live in England, but originate from America, Florida. I kinda have an American accent, but it got more British over the past few years. I’m currently living in a crusty little flat in the middle of a busy town, I’ve tried to make it the nicest I could, and I think I kinda succeeded. But it’s way too small, I do have money to buy a way bigger place (from my inheritance) but I want to live like a normal teenager, well at least as normal as I can possibly be. I have never been in love, accept with My Chemical Romance. They are awesomely epic! But...I MISS BOB! Oh by the way...I almost forgot. I'm gay. I'm not your stereotypical gay, I don’t wear tight leather pants and talk like a douche; I’m just a guy who likes other guys. Simple. Most people don’t get it; they say “How can you be gay? You look nothing like a gay!” Like gays have a look? If they do, please TELL me. Oh and I have had quotes from the Bible thrown at me, that was hilarious. Anyway, I’ve only ever had one girlfriend, when I was 15, she was called Sophie. She was a cheerleader, really bubbly and bouncy. Haha, but kinda dumb. I got it! She was an airhead, not to be mean but she was. She seriously thought a cat barked... now you see what I mean. I’ve had three boyfriends, never really connected with any of them though, it was like we did ‘stuff’ but it was meaningless. It never really felt like it was right, I lost my virginity with Sophie, but I think that's what confirmed that fact that I was gay to me, and now with the guys, it feels better to me. But never right, like I say. I’ve never been in love, so maybe if I do fall in love, it will feel right? Oh I don’t know! Anyway that's everything...I think soooo. Later!

Ben was so much to me...he was my first love. My only love, in a way I think he did love me, but in another way I know he was disgusted in what he knew he was. We, me and Ben that is, were a total secret. We had to be; well he wanted us to be. We were together, but it was like a big lie. We never went out in public as a couple, we acted like friends. To be honest that hurt me, but I dealt with it, because I loved him. I also dealt with the fact that he had a girlfriend; he called her a ‘cover up’. She didn’t know he was gay, she didn't expect anything. Why would she? When they did things...because I had to practically be her best friend, she told me those things. It made me cringe, but I had to deal with it. Over and over and over again...