Strange Terrain

What felt like mere hours had transpired into a few days since I've been back to school. I spent most of the time, lying in bed with my door locked and using sleep as my method in which to escape reality. I knew that Malcolm and Suzy were worried about me, especially since they were still in the dark about everything that had happened but they both just thought I was coming down with some awful bug and let me stay at home to rest. I didn't want them to worry about me, especially since they were still unaware of the full situation. I tried my best to make an appearance downstairs at meals, just to prove I was still alive before trudging back up the stairs and locking myself away with the depressing sounds of Trent Reznor to lull me to sleep.

Four days had seemed to go by since the events of Monday had taken place and I hadn't gone back to school since. Reflecting on my current situation, I couldn't see how I could go back and face everyone's whispering and talking about the rumors that spread faster than a forest fire. I hadn't talked to Casadee or Naoki since that day, even thought they had been calling the house and stopping by to see me, because I just couldn't seem to face them. I had been stripped of all my dignity as well as utterly humiliated by the false allegations that have been spreading rapidly since that fateful Monday. I knew I couldn't stay home forever, especially since four days had passed using the classic "illness" excuse, but I dreaded the upcoming Monday where I would be forced to return to the pits of high school hell.

I also avoided Brian at all costs, refusing to speak to him unless it was absolutely necessary. Not only had he humiliated me once before but now he decided to take it a step further by completely destroying any kind of happiness I could've had in getting through high school with little notice, adding the embarrassment I felt knowing he had seen me at my lowest possible point on top of it all. Yet for some reason, despite everything, somewhere deep inside the humiliation and torture I've endured the moment he's appeared in my life, there was still a part of me that couldn't believe he was the one that had sent the e-mails. After taking some time to think about everything and analyze all the events up until this point over and over again, I didn't want to believe he would go so far as to hurt me that way. I had come to know him better and knew that when reputation and social opinion wasn't concerned, he was actually a descent guy. As selfish and shallow as he was, I didn't think he would step this far over the line.

At least, it's what I wanted to believe.

It was now Friday evening and Suzy had had McKenna with her to San Diego to visit Brian Sr, since his tour dates happened to bring him closer to home. The house would be empty tonight, since I was forcing Malcolm to keep his date with Anika, not wanting to disrupt his plans with my sadness. The only person I had left to worry about was Brian but I assumed that he would be attending some stupid house party, leaving me to be alone in the house with a sense of relief in the fact that I wouldn't have to keep up the pretense that I was just a little sick rather than stuck in the midst of a deep depression.

Lying in my bed, my thoughts kept going back to my mother, remembering how she would hold me in her lap when I was upset, gently running her fingers through my hair until I would stop crying. She would always hum the gentle melody of "Today" by the Smashing Pumpkins, telling me that even when life gets you down, there's always the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Afterwards, the two of us would usually go into the kitchen and bake oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to make me forget about whatever it was that had upset me in the first place. Smiling sadly at the distant memory, I wished that my mom was still here to make everything better with oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and a much needed hug.

I held the small Beast that Brian bought for me at Disneyland, thinking about how similar they really were in character. Even though he was cold and bitter on the outside, on the inside, he was actually somewhat kind and rather sweet. Despite what had happened between us over the last weekend, I still found that I just couldn't hate him. At first, I wanted to take everything out on him but instead, substituted Brian for the soft plush toy that reminded me so much of him until I couldn't help but smile at it, unable to stay angry. In the end, the plush toy took all the abuse that I wanted to bestow upon Brian but didn't have the courage to do.

There was a knock on the door, my eyes darting towards the white painted wood that had been covered with a large Misfits poster on the back, wondering who the mystery guest could be. A second later, the door slowly opened with Casadee standing on the other side, dressed in a pair of black skinny jeans that fit her like second skin and a light grey, short-sleeve button up shirt with only the four middle buttons done up. Over the top of that, she wore a short black vest that remained unbuttoned as well as a pair of blood red Doc Martin boots. It had been a while since I'd seen her so I took in her appearance, finding her looking rather spiffy today in comparison to how she usually dressed.

"Fucking speeches," she said, irritation evident in her voice as she spoke. "Can you believe that they don't consider this outfit appropriate speech attire?" she asked, pulling the edges of her unbuttoned vest as she walked closer to my bed.

"I'm pretty sure you're supposed to dress professionally when giving speeches," I replied, playing with the ends of my comforter.

"This is about as professional as I can get," she laughed, slipping her bag off her shoulder and placing down on the floor near my bed. She took a seat beside me, smiling softly as she pulled me into a hug, "it's good to know you're still alive. I was beginning to get worried about you when you wouldn't take my calls."

"I just needed to be alone," I mumbled quietly into her shoulder, relishing in the comforting hug my friend offered me.

"I can understand," she replied with a nod, pulling away from me. "Well, you'll be glad to know that the backpack is filled with all the homework you need for this past week and that Johnny managed to hack into the school server and delete any trace of the e-mail from the school accounts, though I don't know why he bothered. Brian deserves to get some punishment for the shit he pulled," Casadee bitterly mumbled the last part to herself.

"Are people still talking?" I asked apprehensively, looking up at her with hopeful eyes.

"A little bit," Casadee admitted regretfully. "But the boys have been throwing their weight around the school a bit in order to quash the rumors and inform everyone thinking about messing with my girl that they'll have to answer to them about it," she said with a smile.

I sighed heavily, feeling bad about causing so much trouble for everyone, "They didn't have to do that. I don't want to cause any problems for anyone."

"Alex, seriously, you need to stop feeling guilty for this. Nothing in this situation was your fault. You were punished for no reason and it was unfair. We all know this. Hell, I think maybe the asshole even knows this on some level, if he has a heart at all, which I doubt he does-"

"Cas, you're rambling," I interjected, stopping her before she launched into a separate tangent.

"Sorry but anyway, we're all happy to try and make things easier for you. Besides, I think after Naoki beat the shit out of Haner, I'm pretty sure nobody will think of messing with you when he's around," Casadee said honestly, seeming to reflect on the fight she witnessed that Monday.

I bit my lower lip, thinking about how screwed up things had become since Monday. I knew that Casadee never really seemed to get along with Brian before all this happened but now, she flat out hated him. I felt like I was on the verge of getting in the way of everyone's friendships, since I had started to slowly become friendly with Brian's friends. I didn't want them to be arguing over me, which I suspect Casadee has been doing for the last week. Now that everything was out, there was nothing more that could be done to change what happened. All I could do now was try and pick up the broken pieces of my pride and move past it all, hoping to graduate in one piece come spring.

"Anyway," Casadee said, breaking the silence that seemed to loom over the room once I lost myself in my own thoughts, "tonight, I plan to make sure you have some kind of fun."

"What do you mean?" I asked with confusion.

"Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this but the boys are downstairs," she said cautiously, watching my expression. "Since Malcolm and Suzy aren't home tonight, Brian offered up his place for us to hang out and drink tonight as we all want you come and join us," she continued.

"But I don't drink," I argued, feeling a sense of dread wash over me.

"Ah, correction: you haven't had a drink yet. You've never had alcohol before in your life, as far as I'm aware, and after all that's happened to you this week, I figured that you might need one," she said, reaching for the backpack near the edge of the bed. My eyes widened with surprise when she pulled out a large bottle of cheap vodka, flashing me a devilish grin that meant she was in for a night of no good.

"Cas, I'm not really up for being around people today," I replied honestly, pulling the covers of my bed further up my body with the intention of settling underneath them for sleep.

"Alex, it's been four days since I've seen you. I've been worried out of my mind about you, hoping that you would somehow make it through this shit. I know it's a lot to deal with and maybe seeing people from school might not be the best thing for you, especially since that shithead is one of them, but you can just drink a bit of liquid courage and numb yourself out and forget about everything that's happened for a while," she said, trying to tempt me into the situation.

I pulled the blankets over my head, sighing heavily once again as I thought of the pros and cons of this situation. All I really wanted was to spend another evening to myself, not having to worry about putting on any façades or thinking about what others must be thinking of me but I knew it wasn't possible if everyone was downstairs. The last thing I wanted was for people to worry about me so I knew I would have to just suck it up and deal with tonight as best as I could. I just wasn't sure how much vodka I'd have to drink before I didn't care about anything anymore.

Casadee starting poking my side through my blankets, trying to coax me out from under the shelter of my bed as I slowly lowered the edge of the blanket, peering out at her from the top. She was smiling innocently at me, looking at me with pleading eyes as I just shook my head, pushing the blankets off my body with another sigh.

"Alright, I'll hang out with you all tonight but I'll go downstairs when I'm good and ready, got it?" I said as she squealed with delight, seizing me into a tight hug that nearly suffocated me. "If we're gonna be drinking tonight, we might as well start early, like right now," I said.

"Ah yes. I'm with you on that. We'll get you sauced up a bit before we go join the boys," she nodded, giving me a thumbs up. "Ok well, I'll be back. I just wanna grab the cranberry juice from the fridge to mix this with," she said, slapping the side of the gigantic bottle of vodka before placing it on the night table next to my bed.

She hopped up from the bed, walking out of the room with a sense of glee as I just shook my head at her bizarre behavior. I rolled myself out of the bed, deciding to put a pair of pajama pants on over the top of my boy underwear. I didn't really feel like bothering with a shirt, feeling the black camisole top I was wearing was sufficient enough so once I had pants on, I headed to the radio, swapping Nine Inch Nails for Garbage. Hearing the sounds of Shirley Manson's voice over the top of the steady pounding drumbeat and quiet guitar melodies made me smile, cranking up the volume of the radio without another care in the world about who it would disturb.

I flopped down on my bed once again, staring up at the ceiling and wondering how the alcohol would affect me with my current state. I hadn't gotten drunk before so I was a little worried about what might happen to me, especially since everyone else would be drinking. I knew that nothing would happen to me physically but I was worried about what might get said once the tongues start loosening up. Remembering back to last weekend when I was hyped up on Ecstasy, I could remember the sensations of how good everything felt around me. If alcohol was anything like that, I would gladly partake. I wanted to feel something other than this painful churning in my stomach.

"Setting the atmosphere with some new music I see," Casadee said as she emerged in the doorway carrying a bottle of cranberry juice as well as carefully balancing two cups with ice in her hand.

I reached out and grabbed the cups before she dropped them, placing them next to the bottle of vodka that she had resting on the night table. She took a seat near the table, immediately opening the cranberry juice and filling the cups to about halfway. Once she had that done, she took the vodka and filled one of the glasses while the other had substantially less liquid in it, which I assumed was for me since I was new to alcohol.

"Here you go Ma'm," she said, handing me the glass with less in it. "We're gonna start you here and see how it goes. I don't wanna give you something that's too strong on your first go."

Nodding, I raised the glass to my nose, sniffing the contents of the glass. I could smell the alcohol as well as the tart juice, unsure of what the taste would be like. Glancing over at Casadee, I watched how she sipped her own glass of alcohol with ease, wondering how she could stomach it. Looking back down at the glass, I decided I would just go for it, hoping for the best.

The first sip turned out to be more like a large gulp, burning it's way down my throat. Even though the cranberry juice seemed to eliminate some of the taste of the alcohol, the vodka's taste still remained dominate in the drink, making my stomach turn in disgust as I coughed. I could feel the alcohol settling in my stomach, spreading a warmth throughout my body that seemed similar to the warmth I felt when I was on the drugs last week. Casadee laughed, shaking her head at my reaction t my first real taste of alcohol.

"How the hell do you like this? It tastes awful!" I asked, holding hte glass away from me as if it were diseased.

"Well, you drank too much of it for starters," she giggled, "but small, frequent sips is the key to drinking it down. You know you're on your way to being drunk when the taste doesn't seem to bother you so much anymore," she explained, kicking off her boots.

"Seriously, I don't understand why people like alcohol so much when it tastes so awful," I said honestly, wearily eyeing the contents of my glass.

"It may taste awful but over time, people seem to like the taste. I just love the feeling of being tipsy. I prefer to feel a little good and relaxed rather than full-blown drunk, which is why pacing is the key," she laughed, taking another sip of her drink.

Against my better judgment, I found myself taking a small sip from my glass, the alcohol going down a lot easier than my first taste. I moved back on my bed, leaning back against the wall with my feet stretched out in front of me on the mattress and holding the glass on top of my thigh. Casadee soon joined me, pushing her knees together so her legs made the shape of a triangle as her feet were firmly planted flat on the mattress. Nothing but the sounds of Garbage could be heard, both of us silent as we continued taking small sips of our drinks.

"Hey Cas, can I ask you something?" I asked timidly, briefly glancing at her.

"You know you can," she smiled, nodding in encouragement.

"Do you really think that Brian sent the e-mail out to the school?"

Casadee's smile slowly disappeared as soon as the question left my lips, her expression turning serious as she thought about her answer. I knew that she wasn't Brian's biggest fan to begin with but I think she even had some doubts about the extent of his involvement in this situation. I knew she was angry with him, especially since his behavior towards me hasn't been the best, but I just couldn't seem to muster the anger towards him because I didn't want to believe that he was a completely horrible person. I knew that he was kind of a mean sometimes but I didn't think he was completely cruel.

"Honestly?" she said, looking at me as though she also held doubt, "No. I mean, I have no doubt that he was involved in some way but I don't think he actually send the e-mail to everyone. He may be an asshole but he's not the kind of person that would do something sneaky like that behind your back. He would've just told you to your face that he didn't like you instead of taking the cowardly route," she replied.

"I don't think he did it either," I said, taking another sip of the drink that was quickly diminishing.

"I have to ask, since you've been living together and everything," she began, pausing to finish off whatever was in her glass, "do you still have feelings for him?"

Biting my lower lip, I tried to think of the best response, since I was so unaware of how I actually felt about him. I still found him rather attractive, since it was just a fact that he was handsome, but beyond the physical attraction, I wasn't really sure if I could say I still harbored the crush I once had at the beginning of the school year. I didn't dislike him as a person, since he had many redeeming qualities but I also wasn't head over heels for him the way I used to be. In spite of that, I still found myself drawn to him in some bizarre way. I wasn't really sure what my feelings toward him were but I knew they had changed from the way I used to feel at the beginning of this year.

"I like him as a person but I'm not so sure if I still think of him the way I used to, not after everything that's happened," I replied, also finishing off the contents of my drink, letting out a small disgruntled noise as the alcohol slowly ran down my throat. "I told myself once we started living together that I wouldn't allow myself to love him anymore and now that I look back on it, it wasn't really love I felt. I was too naive to see any different."

"Well, I could've told you that," she laughed, taking my empty glass from me as she started pouring more alcohol and juice into the empty glasses.

"I guess after everything, I'm not too interested in liking anybody. I don't think I'm as lucky as you to find someone as amazing as Zacky who loves you for you," I sighed, looking down at my feet dangling off the end of the mattress.

"I wouldn't necessarily say that but until you realize it yourself, I can't say anything more," she said knowingly, handing me another glass.

I didn't ask her since I knew she wouldn't tell me anymore about whatever it was that she was talking about. Instead, I just took another drink, feeling a little floaty in comparison to how I felt before. I could tell the alcohol was taking its effect since I felt less stressed and more relaxed. I lazily rested my head against the wall behind me, shutting my eyes and enjoying the first true break from my thoughts and feelings of sadness.

"What's everyone doing downstairs?" I asked curiously, opening my eyes and looking at Casadee curiously.

"I think they're messing around in the instrument room. They've got beer so I'm not too worried about them getting bored due to being sober," she laughed, resting her head on my shoulder.

"Shouldn't we probably go down and join them?" I asked.

"If you want to," she shrugged. "I'm ok either way since I've got my own booze," she said honestly, gesturing towards the vodka bottle nestled between us.

"I can't hide up here forever," I said honestly, drinking a substantial amount of the liquid from my glass.

"Well, we can head down there. I'll just grab our Russian friend here," she said, referring to the vodka next to us, "and the juice and we can go down there and mess with those bastards. Maybe they'll entertain us," she laughed, getting up from her spot on the bed.

I followed suit, also standing from my bed and turning off the radio. I finished off the rest of my second drink, feeling slightly unbalanced on my feet as Casadee laughed at me, shaking her head. We left my bedroom, making our way to the vacant living room and setting our drinks on the table. I could faintly hear the sounds of instruments from the hallway, meaning that the guys were still probably messing around with the instruments in Brian Sr's music room. I grabbed the remote for the television, turning it on and finding a random music station that only played songs, laughing a bit when I heard an old Madonna song being played.

"Oh yeah! Turn it up! I like this song!" Casadee laughed as I complied with her request. "Don't go for second best baby. Put your love to the test, you know, you know, you know you've got to make him express how he feels and maybe then you'll know his love is real," she sang loudly along with the song, pouring more alcohol into each of our glasses. "My mom loves listening to Madonna around the house so I know all the songs," she admitted, handing me a glass.

"Do you know that dances as well?" I laughed.

"I know how to vogue but that's about it," she said, nodding along to the music.

"I was fortunate that my mom didn't really listen to much Madonna. She preferred classic rock to the 80s pop but Malcolm always had a guilty pleasure for a 80s pop song," I laughed, thinking about how I've caught him singing along to Tina Turner songs.

"I thought I could hear laughter from the living room," Matt's voice said, gaining Casadee's and my attention as he emerged from the hallway with a beer in hand. "And I see that you two are already on your way to getting liquored up."

"Well, alcohol just makes Madonna all the more bearable," Casadee laughed as the rest of the guys walked into the living room.

Zacky walked straight to the empty space next to Casadee on the couch, plopping down beside her and instantly slinging an arm around her shoulders. Jimmy seemed content with just collapsing down on the floor near the table, happily drinking his beer. Johnny walked over to me, sitting on the arm of the couch beside me and flashing me a cheeky grin. Matt settled in one of the chairs closest to me, leaning back comfortably as he took a long swig of beer.

Brian was the last one to enter the room, carrying the large box of beers and setting it on the table with our vodka and juice. I glanced at him briefly, noting that he was as stoic as he usually was as he took a seat in a chair on the other side of the couch furthest away from me. He quickly glanced at me, catching my eye and giving me a quick nod of acknowledgment before I looked away and down at my third glass of alcohol, trying to figure out why my chest started to tighten with slight pain.

"Can I ask why the hell we're listening to the music of yesteryear?" Johnny asked as the Madonna song suddenly changed into an old Michael Jackson song.

"Alex was the one that turned it on," Casadee said, gesturing towards me with a lazy hand.

"I figured we might as well celebrate the music from the era we were born," I shrugged, downing more of the contents of my drink.

"Whoa there," Matt said, taking note that I had finished half my glass in one go. "How much of that have you had already?"

"This is my third glass?" I said unsurely, unable to really remember how much I had been drinking before. I shrugged, not really caring about how much I've already had, "I quite like it now."

"Oh shit, she's drunk," Casadee laughed. "I knew you were a lightweight but I didn't expect you to get so drunk early on," she said.

"Well shit, I better catch up then," Jimmy grinned, reaching out to grab the bottle of vodka. He quickly opened the lid to the bottle and immediately started chugging straight from the bottle, shaking his head in disgust as he pulled the bottle away from his lips, "Ah, it burns so good," he said.

"How the hell do you do that?" I asked in amazement as he took another swig from the bottle. "The smell of it makes me wanna die."

"He's completely immune to it now with as much as he drinks on a weekly basis," Zacky said, reaching out to take the bottle away from the drummer.

"Though I do prefer the taste of Jack to vodka," Jimmy said with a grin.

"Ugh, Jack tastes like gasoline no matter how you drink it," Casadee said with disgust.

"You're only saying that cuz of the night you got completely wasted on half a bottle and wound up puking in Matt's backyard for half the night, whining about how you thought you were gonna die," Jimmy replied, laughing as he recalled the memory.

"It wasn't funny," Casadee said, shooting him a glare before pouting to herself.

"So Alex, how are you doing?" Johnny asked, voicing the real question that everyone seemed to have but didn't want to ask aloud.

"I'm alright, you know. It's all whatever right now," I shrugged, finishing the rest of my glass.

"Of course she's alright with the amount of liquor in her system," Matt chuckled, shaking her head.

"Ok missy, no more vodka for you. You can have a beer instead," Jimmy said, snatching my glass away from me and replacing it with an opened bottle of beer.

"It's all the same to me," I replied, taking a swig of the amber liquid, nodding along to whatever song that was playing over the speakers of the television.

Looking around at everyone, my hazy eyes finally settled on Brian, noticing that he had remained rather quiet since he walked into the room. Normally he was just as chatty as Jimmy but now, he seemed to be focusing on something in his thoughts as he slowly raised his bottle to his lips to take a drink of beer. I wasn't sure what he was thinking about but I could tell that whatever it was really bothered him.

"It kinda feels like we should be going out to a party somewhere," Johnny said, taking another sip of his beer.

"It's just too bad that there's no parties happening this weekend," Zacky commented.

"Well if there were, you'd all be on your own," I replied honestly, slurring my words a bit as I spoke. "I've had my fill of parties for the year."

"Well that was all Jimmy's dumb ass that ruined everything with slipping you drugs," Matt replied, glaring at Jimmy.

"What? I didn't hurt anybody!" he argued.

"No, I was alright the next day but I'm just never trusting you when you offer me any candy ever again," I laughed, causing him to pout.

"It's good to know that liquor puts you in a better mood," Zacky laughed, shaking his head at me. "We were afraid you might not want to see us after everything that happened," he continued, speaking more cautiously.

"To be honest, I really didn't want to see anyone today but now I could care less what happens. This is one of the first times I've actually felt somewhat ok all week," I admitted honestly. "But now if you'll excuse me, I need to pee," I said, pushing myself off the couch and unsteadily walking towards the hall.

I could hear some laughter from behind me, most likely at my expense since I wasn't very coordinated but I didn't pay much attention to it. I just headed to the bathroom to do my business, feeling much better than before. I realized how slow my movements had become under the effect of alcohol, finding it difficult to tie the strings to my pajama pants as well as pump the soap into the palm of my hand but I managed somehow.

Once I was finished in the bathroom, I stumbled out into the hall, laughing a bit as my body hit the wall. I steadied myself and slowly walked back to the living room hearing a familiar piano melody in the background of Johnny's groaning.

"I know this song," Jimmy laughed, nodding along to the beat. "Turn around," he sang.

"Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round," I also sang, swaying along with the beat.

"This song is dangerous. It makes people want to sing along," Casadee laughed.

"Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears. Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by," I continued, grabbing my bottle of beer and using it as a microphone.

"I really hate this song," I heard Brian mutter lowly, causing me to shake my head.

I grabbed the remote for the television, cranking up the volume of the song and continued with my singing just to annoy him as the chorus hit, "And I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever and if you'll only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever. And we'll only be making it right cuz we'll never be wrong together. We can take it to the end of the line. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark. We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. I really need you tonight; forever's gonna start tonight," I sang loudly.

"Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart," Matt joined in, standing from his chair as he walked over to me.

"There's nothing I can do; total eclipse of the heart," I sang.

Matt placed his hands on my hips as I immediately wrapped mine around his neck, slowly moving to the beat of the song as we continued to sing the rest of the chorus. Casadee soon started singing along not too much longer, swaying from side to side on the couch. Zacky laughed but swayed along with her, enjoying the entertainment that we were all providing. Jimmy only sang the "turn around" parts as they were the only words he seemed to know, waving his lit lighter in the air as if he were at a concert.

Matt and I slowly swayed in circles, still singing the song at the top of our lungs and laughing at how ridiculous we were being. Matt steadied me as I lazily moved with him, still unbalanced from the alcohol in my system. I continued drinking swigs of beer in between breaks in the song, enjoying this funny moment. He would spin me occasionally, making sure I wouldn't fall over before returning to our original position of swaying back and forth like we were at a middle school dance.

I glanced over at Brian, who was looking intently towards Matt and me with irritation. I wasn't sure what it was that bothered him so much but a lot of his focus seemed to be on Matt's hands, which were resting gently on my hips. I didn't really mind, since I knew that Matt wouldn't do anything but whatever it was about this innocent gesture, Brian seemed annoyed by it. I just decided to ignore him, since I wasn't completely happy with him in the first place.

"Turn around bright eyes," Matt sang loudly.

"Every now and then I fall apart," I also sang, not caring if I was in key or not.

"Turn around bright eyes," Matt repeated, gently tucking loose strands of my hair behind my ear.

"Every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight and I need you more than ever and if you'll only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever. And we'll only be making it right cuz we'll never be wrong together. We can take it to the end of the line. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark. We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. I really need you tonight; forever's gonna start tonight," I sang as Casadee and Zacky joined in about halfway through the chorus.

"Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart," Matt and I sang together quietly as I rested my head against his chest. "There's nothing I can do, total eclipse of the heart."

"Total eclipse of the heart," Casadee sang, resting against Zacky.

"Total eclipse of the heart," Matt and I sang, hearing the song come to an end.

Casadee and Jimmy erupted into laughter, clapping their hands together as I slowly pulled away from Matt, blushing at how close we had been. He smiled, ruffling my hair with his hand before leading me back to the couch to sit. Jimmy handed me a new beer, making some kind of funny comment that I didn't catch due to my hazy thoughts. I was trying to steady my fast-beating heart, feeling the warmth on my face with the palm of my hand.

"Oh! It looks like Alex is blushing!" Johnny teased, poking my cheek.

"Stop it!" I laughed, swatting his hand away from me.

"No way! You look cute when your face turns red like that," Johnny laughed as he continued poking my cheek.

"Leave the poor girl alone!" Zacky laughed as I covered my face with my hands to hide my blushing face.

"Ugh, we need something to do other than teasing Alex, even though it's fun to do at the moment," Casadee said playfully, winking in my direction.

"Should we play a game?" Johnny asked, sounding rather childish with his suggestion.

"A drinking game!" Jimmy cheered.

"I don't know any drinking games," Matt said honestly.

"Neither do I," Zacky nodded.

"Then we'll make our own damn drinking game!" I cheered happily. "Let's just grab one of the board games and add booze to make it into a drinking game."

"For someone that's new to drinking liquor, I like the way your mind works," Jimmy laughed, pointing at me with a smile. "I've got the best idea in the world," he said, standing from the floor and heading towards the hallway where some of the board games in the house were kept.

"It's always scary when Jimmy says he's got an idea," Matt commented, taking a sip of his beer.

Jimmy came back into the living room, carrying a large white square box under his right arm. I turned my head to the side, trying to read the words that were written on the front of the box but unable to make them out through my hazy, drunken vision. Giving up on trying to figure out what Jimmy had come up with, I just leaned back comfortably against the couch, offering my hand to Johnny so we could play thumb wars.

Jimmy set the box on the table as Johnny and I started to duke it out, the game of thumb war evenly matched as we both struggled to pin each other's thumbs down. Casadee leaned forward, looking at the box and laughing out loud, shaking her head at Jimmy's proud expression on his face.

"Twister? Really?" Casadee asked through her laughter.

"How the hell would we turn that into a drinking game?" Matt asked curiously.

"Every third spin, everyone would take a shot and then it's last drunk man standing," Jimmy said.

"You just really wanna get us completely trashed, don't you?" Zacky laughed.

"Duh, that's the whole point of getting together and drinking!" jimmy said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Oh shit no!" Johnny yelled as I pinned his thumb down, pumping my free hand into the air at the sign of victory.

"Yes! I won!" I cheered happily. Letting go of Johnny's hand, I looked at Jimmy with a smile, setting my now empty bottle of beer on the table and standing from the couch, "We should definitely play some Twister."

"Yes! I have one person on my side!" Jimmy smiled brightly, giving me a high five.

"I'm down for Twister," Johnny said, also standing from his seat.

"Two people!" Jimmy said happily, pumping his fist into the air.

"Alright, we'll play too," Casadee said, patting Zacky's leg.

"I'll be the spinner," Matt volunteered, reaching for the square piece of cardboard.

"Come on Bri! You should play too!" Jimmy said, gesturing for him to join us.

"I'll sit this game out," he replied, remaining unmoved from his seat.

"Party pooper," Jimmy scoffed.

"Shut up and help me lay the mat out," Johnny said, tossing the game mat at Jimmy.

"Fine!" he said, spreading the white mat on the floor.

As we got into position, Johnny and I stood on one end of the mat while Casadee and Zacky were on the other. Jimmy stood near the middle, since the mat as small and we would all soon be crowded when the game started going. Matt had moved closer to us, holding the cardboard spinner and pouring vodka into one of the glasses. He handed it to Zacky, who took a swig before handing it to his girlfriend. The glass made the rounds as I finished off the horrible tasting alcohol and set the glass down beside me so we could start the game.

"Ready everybody?" Matt asked, flicking the center of the plastic pointer so it would spin. We looked at him anxiously, waiting for our instructions when the pointer finally seemed to stop spinning. "Right foot yellow," he said.

We all complied with the order, finding it difficult to find much room on the mat with the five of us. The game continued, things getting more complicated as we had to find ways to band and fold so we would all fit on the mat. I think we had made it about three rounds in with the vodka before everyone was complaining. Somehow, I wound up reaching over Jimmy's body, trying my best not to lean against him for support as he was turned up facing the ceiling, laughing about having me positioned over him. Johnny had his legs underneath Jimmy and his arms tangled with mine, bringing his face to my shoulder, making me slightly shiver from his warm breath gently blowing against my skin. Casadee's legs were stretched out over Johnny and my arms with Zacky leaning over her, his arms tangled with Jimmy's legs.

Matt was laughing the whole time, spinning the spinner and giving us our color orders as we moved into place. I glanced over at Brian occasionally, noticing that he wasn't particularly happy with the way we all seemed to be carrying on but I couldn't be sure why. All night he had been unusually silent, even with the other guys, and it all seemed to stem from when I had joined them downstairs. In my drunken haze, his annoyance was starting to anger me. If anyone had the right to be angry, it was me and not him. That was the one true fact of this whole situation.

"This looks like one hell of an orgy," Jimmy commented with laughter.

"No way," Johnny protested with strain in his voice. "There're too many dudes."

"Fine, I'll uninvited you to the orgy and Alex and I can go off and have some fun together while Casadee and Zacky find some bedroom together," Jimmy laughed.

"Why are you assuming I'd let you take away my future lesbian wifey?" Casadee asked curiously, trying her best to glance at Jimmy through all the tangled limbs. "If anything, the two of us will hook up and ditch you losers quick smart," she laughed.

"Aw babe, you called me a loser," Zacky said, feigning hurt feelings.

"Don't worry Zacky. Being a loser isn't really that bad," I replied, remembering all the names I had been called for years.

"Ok, if you all would shut up, I could call out the next color," Matt laughed, spinning the spinner again. "Ok, left foot blue," he said.

As soon as Johnny made a move for the blue circle, everyone came crashing down on top of one another. Jimmy seemed to take the full weight of me as I lay stretched out over the top of his lower torso, waiting for Johnny to move off my upper back so I could get off Jimmy. Casadee was laughing as Zacky quickly got off her, helping her to her feet as she swayed a bit, obviously drunk from the game.

"Johnny, if you get off Alex, then she could get off me, not that I'm complaining," Jimmy commented, winking in my direction and causing me to blush.

Zacky helped pull Johnny off me as Casadee helped me get to my feet, leaving Jimmy lying on his back on the floor. I laughed, straightening out my top as Johnny collapsed into a chair with laughter. Casadee and Zacky walked to the couch once again, being lovey dovey with one another as I swayed near the coffee table, watching them with envy.

"Man Alex," Jimmy began leaning up on his elbows to look at me, "who knew you could pick such an awesome drinking game?"

"Yeah. I would've thought that for such a newbie to alcohol, you'd struggle with keeping up but look at you! You're still standing!" Johnny giggled.

Matt seemed to notice the expression on my face, realizing that I wasn't as happy as everyone else as he reached out, grabbing my wrist. I looked down at the floor, trying to suppress the negative feelings that were starting to arise within me. I wasn't sure if it was Casadee calling Zacky a loser or watching the way they interacted with one another or if it was Brian's irritated stare but I was beginning to feel anger and depression filling me up once again as the flashes of Monday's events came rolling back.

"Alex, are you alright?" Matt asked quietly with concern.

"I'm glad you're feeling better Alex," Jimmy continued loudly, obviously really drunk with the way his speech was slurred. "We were all starting to worry about you."

"Worried about me? Why?" I asked, laughing a bit as I spoke.

"Cuz we all care about you," Zacky replied.

At that moment, I wasn't sure if I had finally cracked or if I found their words genuinely funny but I started howling with laughter, shaking my head as I struggled to maintain my balance. I could feel everyone's eyes staring at me with wonder and concern, since they obviously didn’t find Zacky's explanation as funny as I did. I finally opened my eyes, looking at them through the blurred vision caused by my eyes tearing up as well as the amount of alcohol I had consumed, finding all the attention on me. Instead of feeling paranoid and uncomfortable with all the sudden attention, I found myself feeling irritated.

"You, all care about me?" I asked in disbelief as I pointed at everyone else in the room.

"Well yeah Alex. We're friends," Johnny said as if he were trying to talk me down.

"Really? Friends? When the hell did that happen?" I asked bitterly, grabbing the vodka from the table and taking another swig.

"Now Alex, I think you've had enough," Matt said gently, taking the bottle away from me.

"Oh what? Are you my mother? Who are you to tell me anything?" I snapped, glaring at Matt.

"What's gotten into you?" Jimmy asked.

"Would it even matter? You're only here because you're all sympathetic towards me. If I didn't live here with Brian, you wouldn't have bothered to see me at all because even though you say you care, you really don't. I know all of you better than you think you know yourselves and you could care less about some lowly nerd like me," I said, pushing my hair from my face.

"Alex, we do care about you. We really like you," Zacky said, trying to convince me.

"Oh yeah? And what's so good about me now that wasn't good Freshman year?" I retorted bitterly. "For years, I've known all of you but did you ever fucking bother to take one look in my direction and actually see a person there rather than just an easy target? I mean hell, I've been in the same history class as Jimmy but this year, he couldn't even be bothered to learn my name. And then there's Zacky, who's got the personality of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde all the time. I can never tell which mood you're in, which was really fucking scary when I was forced to talk to you. I knew I was a nuisance to you, ever since you asked Casadee why she had a friend like me who wasn't one of the popular crowd," I said, glaring at Zacky as the memories started to flood my memory.

"Alex, just calm down," Casadee said, standing from the couch and moving towards me.

"No, don't touch me!" I screamed, throwing them all off me. "You have no idea what it's like to care for a person because when you look at me, you don't see a person. All I was to you all was Casadee's friend that you couldn't pick on while she was around and now after everything, all you see is a charity case. I can't stand it. I don't understand why I have to suffer just because I enjoy reading Shakespeare or drawing comic books. What makes all of you so fucking special anyway?"

"I think it's time to get you to bed," Casadee said gently.

"No, not until I get an answer!" I said, my burning gaze finally landing on Brian. "And you," I said, stumbling forward towards Brian, "You're the most confusing one of all. One minute, you're completely horrible to me and then the next, you doing nice things like watching anime with me or making conversation with me. Despite all the instances of kindness, I always knew in the back of my mind that you and I could never be friends because it would make you look bad so I did my best to separate myself from you. I didn't tell anyone a thing and still, you decided to start everything with those rumors. Why? Why would you take it that far?" I screamed, feeling the tears pouring out as I spoke.

Brian didn't say anything in response. He just continued staring me down with his beautiful chocolate eyes, making me nervous as I swayed in front of him. I finally looked away when I couldn't stand to look at him anymore, deciding that it would be better to go back upstairs to my room after embarrassing myself in front of everyone. I quickly turned on my heel, trying to stop my tears from pouring out as I clumsily walked up the stairs.

"What happened to the happy drunk she was earlier?" I heard Jimmy ask in confusion.

Releasing a heavy sigh, I finally reached the top of the stairs, feeling my stomach churn in agonizing pain. I knew what was coming as the acidity from the bile burned its way up my esophagus, making me put my hand over my mouth to prevent vomiting all over the hallway floor. I ran as best as I could to the bathroom, kneeling down before the large porcelain bowl and spilling all of my stomach contents into it.

Leaning over the bowl, I could feel more tears leaking down from my eyes as I continued to heave into the toilet, feeling completely miserable. The entire time, I kept thinking about how bad things had become not only at school but at home as well, especially since I seemed to be harboring all my anger for so long. Drinking all the alcohol just seemed to allow my emotions to pour out along with anything else that was in my stomach at the time I began drinking. It was definitely not the best decision I had made but then again, I wasn't completely sober when I continued chugging down massive amounts of vodka.

I felt someone's hands pulling my hair out of my face as I dry heaved over the bowl. Whoever was behind me had taken my glasses off my face, since the lenses were wet with tears. I leaned my head down against the rim of the toilet when I stopped puking, resting while I could just in case another round of vomiting was to commence. Without my glasses and with all the alcohol that was currently in my system, I couldn't see who it was that was in the bathroom with me but I could tell from the silhouette it was a guy at the sink, since I could hear running water from the tap.

Looking away, I focused on the rim of the toilet, trying to regulate my breathing so I could stop crying. I felt a cold wash cloth wiping around my mouth gently, getting rid of any traces of vomit that might had still been on my face. Squinting, I saw that Brian was the one that was kneeling down beside me, folding the towel over once before wiping my forehead and my cheeks with it. I groaned, pushing him away but my arms were very uncooperative.

"Go away," I mumbled, turning away from him. "You're the last person I want near me right now."

"That may be so but you're unwell because you had too much to drink. I'm just trying to make sure you didn't get alcohol poisoning," he replied, placing the damp wash cloth on the back of my neck.

"I'm not suffering any of the major symptoms of alcohol poisoning other than slurred speech and vomiting so go away and let me throw up in peace," I moaned painfully, trying to push him away once again.

"I know you don't want me here and I can understand why, I'm not gonna leave you alone when you're sick like this," he replied sternly.

"Why do you even care? Seriously? Didn't I ruin your life with my presence? Why the hell does it matter if I'm left alone in the bathroom sick when you want me out of your sight and out of your life?" I yelled angrily, weakly hitting him with my balled fists.

"Alex, I'm sorry for everything that's happened. I really am and I know that apologizing doesn’t change anything but I really am sorry," he said, grabbing my wrists so I would stop hitting him. "I know you're pissed off with me but I want to make sure I don't have to take you to the hospital later on so I'm staying."

I struggled against his grip, trying to seize control of my arms but failing miserably since I lacked the strength necessary to fight him. I stopped, slumping against him as I started crying into his shoulder, letting my arms drop loosely beside me. He eventually let go of my wrists as I wrapped my arms around his neck, unable to stop the flood of tears from coming out. I wasn't sure why I was crying since I couldn't exactly pinpoint the emotions that I was feeling but I felt a little better the moment Brian began rubbing my back in circles, trying his best to soothe me as I sobbed against him.

Five minutes passed before I seemed to calm myself down, just resting my head lazily against his shoulder with my eyes closed. I had a feeling that the nausea had passed now and that I had no more tears left to cry. I realized that I really couldn't understand what Brian's motivations were at all when it concerned me. At times, he seemed like he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me while at other times, it was almost as if he actually sought me out for one reason or another. I couldn't understand what he wanted from me with the mixed signals he continuously sent.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked quietly, my voice a lot calmer and hoarser than before.

"Sure," he replied simply.

I pulled away from him, squinting to get a better view of him before asking him what I had been doubting all along, "Did you have anything to do with the e-mail being sent to everyone?"

He sighed, running a hand through his messy hair and looking away from me as he answered, "I didn't have anything to do with sending or creating the e-mail but the idea that inspired it came from something I said in the heat of the moment."

"I didn't think you sent it," I replied, holding my forehead as a dull pain started pounding. "I kind of knew you were better than that," I said.

Brian didn't say anything in response. I started to feel a little dizzy, swaying as I tried to keep myself sitting upright. Brian noticed that I was uneasy and held my upper arms so I wouldn't fall over. I rubbed the side of my face, trying to dispel some of the drunkenness as well as the sleepiness that seemed to suddenly take hold of me. I grimaced as I realized that my mouth still tasted like vomit and decided that it would be best to stand up from the floor and brush my teeth.

Brian seemed to catch onto my plan, helping me to my feet as I reached for my toothbrush, sloppily applying the paste to the bristles before scrubbing the living daylights out of my mouth. Brian reached around me, flushing the toilet and picking the washcloth up from the floor, tossing it into the towel hamper near the corner of the bathroom. I did my best rinsing the toothpaste from my mouth, finding spitting rather funny before I put my toothbrush back. I reached around on the counter for my glasses so I could see where I was going when Brian finally placed them into my hand.

"I can get there by myself," I said as Brian tried to guide me out of the bathroom.

"Ok, go ahead," Brian said, holding his hands up in surrender.

I stumbled forward into the hall, nearly falling a few times until I pushed my bedroom door open, collapsing face first onto my bed with a large sigh. I knew that Brian had followed me into the bedroom, since I could hear his footsteps fast approaching. I heard the rustling of a plastic bag as well as the rattling of a pill bottle. I leaned up from the bed, looking at him curiously when I noticed that he placed a waste basket at my bedside as well as a bottle of water and two Advil on my nightstand.

He reached towards my face, removing my glasses from my face once again and setting them near my digital clock. He took his blanket, the same blanket he covered me with when he took care of me during my illness before, and spread it over my body, tucking it under my feet so they wouldn't get cold. As I watched him move around my room, I couldn't help but feel as though he were doing things that a mother normally did for their child when they were unwell. A sudden wave of nostalgia hit as I thought about my own mom and the things she would do, a small sad smile creeping up on my face.

"Do you want music?" he asked as I turned to my side, trying to make myself comfortable.

"The Cure," I mumbled lowly, snuggling with the Beast plushie as if I were a child with a favorite stuffed animal to sleep with. "They're my favorite aside from Smashing Pumpkins."

I heard Brian rifling through the different CDs I had sprawled across the desk, looking for the CD I wanted before he finally located it and stuck the shiny disc into the player. The silence that hung in the air was soon replaced by the sound of wind chimes as the opening to "Plainsong" began to slowly pour out from the speakers. I opened my eyes and noticed Brian heading out towards the door, looking down at my plushie toy as I thought of something to say to him. I didn't want to leave things awkward so I decided to say whatever just popped into my head at the moment.

"You know," I said suddenly, stopping him from leaving the room. He turned around, looking at me expectantly as I stared at the Beast in my arms, deciding it was a good basis of comparison, "you're kinda like this Beast," I said, gesturing to the stuffed animal. "You're scary on the outside and sort of cruel but sometimes, your Prince Charming-ness shines through all the ugly. If you weren't such a jerk, I'm pretty sure girls would fall for you the way I did before," I said through a yawn, settling into my pillow.

I wasn't really sure what I was admitting to Brian. Did I just admit that I still thought of him as Prince Charming, my ideal kind of guy or did I just give him advice on how to capture other girls' hearts? Part of me, the rational side that was drowning in the incompetence of alcohol, was screaming at how stupid I just sounded by telling him he was like a character from a Disney movie while the other part of me thought it was sound advice if he ever wanted to begin a relationship with someone else. Even if I thought he had some good qualities, I couldn't fully forgive him for the hell I had endured for the last two months. I decided the day I moved into this house that there would be no more feelings for Brian. I had been too naïve to think that he could possibly love me at all ever.

I heard him chuckle, breaking into my confused, muddled thoughts as I glanced at him curiously. His laughter soon died but he still wore a tiny smile upon his lips, making him look all the more handsome. I couldn't be sure why he was smiling at me like that but it was certainly unsettling since we were kind of in a weird place with how things were between us.

"Thanks for the advice Lexi," he said, using the nickname that my mother often used with me.

Stunned by the name, I didn't say anything more to him as he shut the door to my room, leaving me with nothing but the Beast and the sounds of The Cure's Disintegration album to lull me into an uncomfortable, drunken slumber.