Strange Terrain

"I can't believe that Naoki finally got the balls to ask you on a date!" Casadee said as she finished applying eye shadow to my eyes.

"I can't believe you never told me that he liked me like that," I mumbled lowly, trying my best not to move around.

"Would you have believed me if I told you?" she inquired seriously, pausing momentarily in applying my makeup to make her point. "Besides, I thought you would eventually realize it on your own after some time. I should've known better."

It was Friday afternoon and Casadee had dragged me along with her to her job at Mod Shock Boutique in order to prepare me for my date with Naoki tonight. She gave him strict instructions to pick me up at the store by six so she would have enough time to dress me. Originally, I thought about just wearing what I had on already but Casadee insisted that I needed to wear something special for the occasion and since I didn't really have the strength to argue with her, I just decided it would be easier to comply.

My mind was buzzing with different thoughts about tonight's upcoming date, such as how I should act around Naoki as well as the things we were going to do tonight. I've been to the movies with Naoki before but this time, we weren't going as just friends. He was taking me out as a potential girlfriend. It was quite nerve-wracking to think about all the pressure that was added to something we've done a million times in the past just because it had a different name attached to it. Part of me felt stupid for worrying so much about tonight while the other part of me felt relieved.

"Casadee, I feel really uncomfortable in this dress," I told her truthfully, trying to pull the length of it down so it was covering more of my legs.

"Are you crazy? You look so good! It's like the one dress I own that actually seems normal," she laughed, finishing my makeup.

I stole a glance of myself in the mirror near the entrance to the main floor and sighed at how different I looked. Casadee had dressed me in what seemed to be a sage-hued, floral print ruffle dress, a pair of black leggings, and black suede ankle boot heels. She had fixed my hair so that it was slightly curly and pinned away from my face, which was absent of the glasses I normally wore and replaced with contacts so Naoki would be able to see the little bit of mascara and eyeliner Casadee had applied to my eyes. I actually looked like a normal high school girl and not the nerd I tended to look like most of the time.

"See? I do good work," Casadee said, appearing behind me in the mirror as she placed her hands on my shoulders and gave them a reassuring squeeze. Glancing at the clock, she grinned widely when she noticed the time, "Ah! Any minute now, Naoki will be here to pick you up! I'm so excited for you!" she gushed.

"Stop blowing this thing out of proportion. It's just making me feel nervous," I grumbled quietly, messing with the hem of my dress.

"Don't worry so much. You two will be fine tonight. I mean, it's Naoki. How bad can it be when it's one of your best friends?" she laughed.

There was a small jingle from the silver bell that hung over the front door of the store that interrupted the conversation and made my heart race in anticipation. Casadee shot me a quick wink before slipping out to the front of the store to see who it was. I stood in the back, slowly shutting my eyes and trying to take deep, calming breaths as I waited to be summoned to the front. Even though Casadee made a good point that I was going out with Naoki, it was just the prospect of changing our friendship was a little alarming, especially when I had never thought about him in such a way before.

As I tried to collect my thoughts, I heard Casadee calling my name from the front of the store, meaning that it was now or never. Taking one last glance in the mirror, I gave myself a small smile to try and boost my confidence before grabbing the small black bag Casadee gave me for the night and heading out to the front.

I noticed Naoki standing near the door, dressed in a pair of black trousers and black button-up shirt that had the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. I was quite shocked by how good he looked, considering I was used to seeing him in sweatpants and a t-shirt when he was around the school. I bit my bottom lip anxiously as I approached, noticing that he was carefully glancing over my makeover.

"Alex, you look…" he sighed, his dark brown eyes meeting mine with a smile, "beautiful."

I blushed, nervously tucking my hair behind my ear as I looked down at my wobbly feet, "Thanks. You look nice too."

"Aww, this is so cute! You're both so nervous that I can hardly stand it!" Casadee gushed, clasping her hands together dramatically.

I quietly glared at Casadee for making embarrassing remarks while Naoki uncomfortably rubbed the back of his neck, looking at the wall of merchandise on the right. Casadee seemed to get the message and backed off after she snapped a quick picture of the two of us standing near each other.

"You ready to, uh, go?" Naoki asked.

"Yeah, I'm ready," I nodded.

"You two have fun tonight. Make sure my girl comes home in one piece," Casadee said, trying to sound like a parent.

"Bye Cas," I said with a slight edge of frustration.

Casadee just shook her head, the large grin never leaving her face as Naoki held the door open for me. I quietly walked out of the store, realizing that I was now on my own with Naoki, which felt a little weird. I knew that it was just another evening with my best friend but I wasn't sure what the expectations were for the night, which just added all this pressure. Part of me wished I had already gone through a first date so I would know what to expect rather than allow my mind to swirl with the constant possibilities.

Naoki led me to his car, opening the passenger side door for me. Offering him a small smile, I got into his car and fastened my seatbelt, wondering what was next for the evening. Naoki also got into the car and started the engine, pulling out of the parking space and driving up the street. The soft sound of the radio could be heard over the speakers as we remained silent. I could tell the air was slightly tense as we continued driving, wondering if I should break the silence first or not.

"Um-"

"So-"

Naoki and I glanced at each other, nervously chuckling at each other for speaking at the same time. I bit my lower lip, refocusing my gaze onto my hands folded in my lap as Naoki cleared his throat a bit.

"You go first," I told him quietly, referring to speaking first.

"No, it's ok. You can go first," he insisted.

"Oh, well, I just wanted to know where we were going tonight," I said.

"I thought we could go see Fight Club since it just came out recently. You're a fan of Chuck Palahniuk books, right?" he asked unsurely.

"Yeah, I really liked that book. Hopefully the movie is just as good," I smiled.

"After that, I thought we would just run across the street and grab something to eat at the diner, unless you want to do something different"

"No, that sounds good to me."

"Good."

After that, we fell back into a silence the rest of the drive to the movie theatre. I wasn't sure why things were so uncomfortable but they were. I didn't like that Naoki and I couldn't talk the way we normally did. I didn't like that there was all this pressure for something spectacular to happen when any normal day, Naoki and I would be perfectly okay with going out to the movies together. It was just that now that we both knew that this was a real date, things changed.

Naoki parked the car down the street from the cinema and got out, jogging to my side of the car and opening the door for me. We both walked towards the theatre, a small distance between us as the night sky started darkening. The streets were rather crowded, typical of the Friday night on Main Street as we reached the line. Sighing to myself, I wondered if things were going to feel this weird all night.

"This is ridiculous, isn't it?" Naoki asked, snapping me out of my wandering thoughts.

"What?" I asked, caught off guard.

"This, us," he said, gesturing between us. "We're just making things too weird, aren't we?"

"Oh, well, yes. I guess we are," I nodded.

"I know that this is supposed to be, err, well, a date," he said uncomfortably, "but let's just forget all the things we're supposed to do and pretend this is just any other Friday night we'd be hanging out together," he said.

"Well, we can try," I smiled. "Anything to get rid of the weirdness going on here."

"Good," he replied with a smile as we approached the ticket booth.

After a quick debate over who would be paying for what, Naoki finally paid for the tickets with the condition that I would pay for our meal afterwards. We walked into the warm theatre, looking around for the specific place we were supposed to be. Once we knew what general direction we were supposed to be heading in, we decided to head to the concession stand for a bag of popcorn and a drink to share. I noticed a lot of people in the lobby of the theatre from our school, most of them looking at us with great interest as we moved along in the line. It felt weird getting stared at, especially when I was so used to just waltzing through places without any notice at all.

Suddenly being in the spotlight wasn't as great as I thought it would be.

"Is it me or are there a lot of people looking at us?" Naoki asked as he paid for our snacks.

"No, there are a lot of people staring at us," I replied, timidly looking back in the direction of the different people watching us. "It's been happening to me a lot recently because people know where and who I'm living with now."

"I don't really understand why it's such a big deal that you're living with Haner all of a sudden."

"They're worried that we'll begin dating or something. Casadee told me that's what the rumor mill has been circulating lately," I said, looking at the Sprite in my hand.

"That seems rather unlikely given what's happened between you two," he said, opening the door for me.

As I followed Naoki towards a seat, I couldn't help but feel somewhat upset at his last comment. Though I knew the likelihood of something happening between Brian and I was fairly minimal, I still felt this unexplainable disappointment at the thought of it. Given everything that's happened between us for the last few months, things seemed to be in such a grey area that I wasn't sure what to think anymore, especially after yesterday's kiss.

My cheeks started to burn pink at the memory of his lips lightly caressing mine and the feel of his gentle touch brushing against my skin. I couldn't help but think of him now, wondering how someone who was supposed to dislike me so much could manage to kiss me in such a passionate and delicate way. Was it all part of his grand master plan to humiliate me further or did he really mean it? I remembered back to our first encounter when he told me that flirting with girls was nothing but sport to him so it's hard to decipher whether he was just going through the motions with me or if he actually wanted to kiss me.

I shook my head of the thoughts of Brian Haner and decided that I needed to focus on my date with Naoki. We sat somewhere in the middle of the theatre, sharing the popcorn and talking about trivial things such as his upcoming competition and my meetings with the few colleges that were looking to recruit me to their campus. When the movie started, we stopped our talking and sunk into our seats, trying to focus on the screen rather than glancing at each other from time to time.

As the opening credits began to roll, I realized that our night out was only half over, which meant that there was definitely more to come. I just wasn't sure I could handle not knowing what was coming next.

*Brian's Point of View*
"Dude, we fucking suck right now," Jimmy said, spinning one of his drumsticks in his hand.

"You're the one that sucks. You haven't been hitting the right notes at all today," Matt countered. "What have we told you about smoking before practice?"

"That you highly encourage it," Jimmy grinned, lighting up another joint.

Everyone just laughed at his behavior, shaking their heads. We were currently trying to hold a band practice but failing miserably due to our stoned drummer messing up all the songs for the greater part of the evening. Zacky took his guitar off and went to sit on the couch with Johnny as Justin sat on one of the amps, adjusting his bass. Matt took a sip of his beer that he had just cracked open and sighed at Jimmy's impaired behavior. I just stood in the same place near Jimmy, strumming a familiar Pantera riff on my guitar and trying to keep my mind off of Alex's date tonight with Naoki.

Things between us had been awkward since yesterday after we got back from school. I knew that I probably shouldn't have kissed her like that, since it was her first kiss and everything, but I couldn't help it. The thought of Naoki being her first kiss really pissed me off for some reason so I had to intervene. Before that kiss, things between us had normalized a bit. We were actually getting along, since there was no more secret to uphold. I was actually getting to know her better and coming to like her as a friend, though I would never admit that to her, and then I had to go and mess things up again by doing something stupid like taking her first kiss away from her.

I couldn't explain what had come over me yesterday when I suggested being her first kiss. Normally, kissing girls wasn't a big deal to me since it was something I did a lot of the time but with Alex, something felt really different. I found myself staring into her brown eyes and actually seeing the beautiful, vulnerable girl I've come to know over the last few months and feeling some attraction for her. After kissing her, I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time: longing to do it again. I was afraid that Alex was making me fall for her and that was something I still couldn't accept.

"Why the hell is it so silent in here? Aren't you guys supposed to be practicing right now?" Casadee asked as she walked into the garage.

"We would be practicing but Jimmy's dumb ass is too stoned to play the songs right," Zacky commented, kissing his girlfriend as she settled next to him on the couch.

"That's not new though. Jimmy's ass is always on something most of the time," she said.

"Hey! I resent that!" Jimmy protested, exhaling a large cloud of smoke. "You're making it sound like I'm some sort of drug addict with these false allegations."

"Allegations? Has Alex's vocabulary rubbed off on you and made you somewhat smart?" Matt joked.

"Maybe," Jimmy cheekily replied, taking another toke off his spliff. "By the way, where is she?" he asked, voice strained from holding in the smoke.

"She's out on a date tonight," Casadee beamed, looking like a proud mother who had just sent their child off on their first day of school.

"With who?" Johnny asked, snapping his head up at the mentioning of a date.

"She's out with Naoki. He finally got the balls to ask her out after two years of a crush," Casadee said.

"No! She's supposed to be with me!" Johnny whined, kicking the edge of the couch.

"Dude, that was never going to happen outside of your sick fantasies," Zacky laughed.

"A man could hope!" Johnny said, collapsing onto the couch next to Zacky.

"Yes, men could hope, not little shortshits like you Christ," Jimmy chuckled.

"Fuck you Rev," Johnny said, sounding rather childish in his response, which just caused more laughter at his expense.

The more I listened to everyone talking about Alex's date with Naoki, the more agitated I started to feel. I didn't want to be thinking about what they could possibly be doing tonight or what this would mean for their future. For some reason, the thought of Alex and Naoki dating really irritated me and I didn't want to feel this way. I cursed myself for even concerning myself with thoughts of her because I had already agreed that I wouldn't think about her anymore.

I stopped my playing and set my guitar down near the amp, walking out of the garage and lighting up a much needed cigarette. Leaning against the warm wall of Matt's house, I took a long drag from the slender white stick and breathed in the toxins, feeling my anger starting to slowly disappear through the exhale of smoke. All of these confusing emotions were driving me crazy and making it really hard to concentrate on practice. I'm just glad that Jimmy's stoned ass was making all those major mistakes during the songs because it brought me back to the issues at present rather than thinking about how stupid I was yesterday.

"I hope we can get our shit together before this weekend's gig otherwise that crowd won't be happy with us," Matt said, startling me out of my thoughts as he lit a cigarette for himself.

"Yeah well, Jimmy needs to lay off the pot for a while so we can get a decent hour's practice," I replied, flicking some of the ash from my cigarette.

"Don't think I didn't notice you messing up the intro for 'Second Heartbeat'. I know it's a new song but shit, I thought you would've had it down by now," he said.

"I'm still getting the hang of it," I said, trying to play off my distraction.

We stood in silence for a moment, both smoking our cigarettes as I tried to think of something more to say. I knew that Matt was concerned with our upcoming gig in Phoenix since it was one of the first out of state shows that we managed to book and the fact that everyone else in the band was preoccupied with other things was driving him crazy. The silence between us didn't last too long as Casadee started gushing about how amazing Alex looked in the dress she wore for tonight's date, making me feel irritated once again. I had left the garage in order to escape hearing about Alex's date and yet, I couldn't really seem to focus on anything else.

"To be honest, I'm sort of surprised Alex decided to go on the date with Naoki tonight," Matt said, breaking our comfortable silence.

"Why do you say that?" I asked, trying to sound nonchalant about wanting his opinion.

He flicked the ash from his cigarette, bringing it up to his lips for a drag before answering, "Well, she doesn't seem like she's interested in Naoki the same way he's into her for one thing but I'm sure she didn't even know it was a date until someone told her," he explained, chuckling a little at the thought as I just smashed my finished cigarette into the ground.

"Yeah well, she's finally got a date. Good for her," I muttered, knowing that the more I tried to sound nonchalant, the more my voice took on a harsh bitterness.

Matt studied me for a second, his eyes dancing in silent amusement as he continued puffing away on the cancerous tobacco. I felt rather uncomfortable under his gaze, unsure of what he was really thinking so I pushed myself off the wall and headed back into the garage. The sound of Matt's low chuckling followed me all the way in until the sounds lively conversation between Zacky, Casadee, Jimmy, and Johnny drowned him out. I didn't see Justin anywhere, assuming he was either in the house or he took off early for the night.

Unfazed by anything, I picked up my guitar and started playing the first thing that popped into my head, which happened to be the intro to "Zero" thanks to Alex's obsession with the Smashing Pumpkins that lead her to constantly play their albums. The fact that she kept playing them while she did her homework caused a few songs to get stuck in my head, especially the guitar work for a few of the songs. Just playing the familiar chords, I was reminded of the way Alex bopped her head along to the beat or sang along at the top of her lungs, thinking she couldn't be heard. Shaking my head of these stupid thoughts, I immediately stopped playing the song and switched over to a Metallica song.

"So since Justin's gone for the night and Jimmy's too stoned to play the drums properly, I think we're just gonna call this a night," Matt said, walking back into the garage.

"Oh good. This means you can help me pick out a gift for Alex," Casadee said, smiling at her boyfriend.

"Gift for what?" Johnny asked.

"Her birthday's the same day as your guys' Phoenix show so I'm surprising her by bringing her with me to see you live and celebrate her turning seventeen," Casadee beamed.

"Oh shit, it's her birthday?" Jimmy asked with wide eyes. "I'm so broke I can't afford to get her a gift, unless she wants drugs. I've still got some Halloween candy to spare."

Casadee glared at Jimmy, speaking in a low tone of voice as she threatened him, "You're just asking to lose your balls, aren't you? No drugs!"

"Well shit. There goes my gift idea with my limited funds," Jimmy sighed, slumping into his seat.

"You wouldn't have bought her a gift if you had the money anyway. You would've just said mooched off my gift and said it was both of ours," Zacky said.

"Yeah, you're probably right," Jimmy conceded after a moment. "So you better get her a good one for the both of us!"

I listened quietly as I started packing up my gear for the night. I had no idea her birthday was this upcoming weekend. I started wracking my brain for some kind of gift idea for her but I couldn't seem to figure out what would be a good idea. She already had plenty of art supplies and I wouldn't have the time to drive back to LA to look around that anime store we went to before the Halloween party. The only thing I could really think of was music but she was already covered for Smashing Pumpkins and The Cure records. I couldn't just get her anything either. I needed her gift to be good since I owed her for everything I put her through up until now. She, at least, deserved something nice for putting up with all my bullshit.

"Hey Syn, answer your damn phone!" Zacky called, snapping me out of my thoughts.

Shaking my head in attempt to forget about Alex, I pulled my phone out of the front pocket of my jeans and checked the Caller I.D., groaning when Madison's name flashed across the screen. Since the whole incident at school with Alex, I'd been avoiding Madison's attempts to contact me. She really crossed a line with that stunt and I wanted nothing more to do with her. She was the last person I needed to speak to right now, especially since I was already irritated to begin with. I just ignored the call and continued packing my things.

"Well, I'm starving," Johnny said, patting his stomach.

"Fuck yeah! I want some pizza!" Jimmy said. "Hey Bri, you wanna get me some pizza?"

"Yeah, sure," I sighed, running a free hand through my hair.

"Awesome," he smiled, springing up to his feet. "See you bitches later," he waved.

"Practice tomorrow and Jimmy, this time, try not to get so stoned before we play," Matt said sternly as we walked out of the garage.

Jimmy grumbled incoherently, waving his hand dismissively as he continued towards my truck. I loaded my guitar into the back and got in the car, starting the engine and speeding away from Matt's house. Jimmy fiddled with the music until he found an Oingo Boingo CD I had in the glove box. I couldn't help but smile at his weird taste in music. When Jimmy and I first met, he was listening to Oingo Boingo and after repeated plays of their music; I eventually got into them as well. It sort of reminded me of Alex and the Smashing Pumpkins.

"Hey Bri," Jimmy said, gaining my attention. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye to acknowledge him before turning my eyes back to the road, waiting for him to say whatever it was that he was going to say, "what're you getting Alex for her birthday?"

"I don't know yet," I replied honestly. "Why?"

"Well, let's face it. You're my best friend and I love you dude. Seriously, you're like a brother to me so I'm gonna say this and you're not gonna get mad at me for saying it cuz I know it's true," he rambled, looking at me with some seriousness. I had to force myself not to laugh in this situation since Jimmy rarely spoke seriously and since I didn't want to ruin his moment. I just waited patiently for him to continue with whatever he was going to say. "I know you're into her so I think you need to get her a really awesome gift so she knows how you feel."

Trying to laugh off the seriousness of his statement, I shook my head, "Jimmy, you're just high. I'm not into Alex."

"Dude, I'm not an idiot," Jimmy said, causing me to laugh even more at his false declaration. "Alright, that's a lie. I am an idiot most of the time but not about this. I see the way you look at her and the way you've been treating her since Halloween. You're definitely into her."

"Even if that were miraculously true, which it isn't, why are you telling me this?" I asked.

"Cuz while you're here in denial about her, she's out on a date with that one dude, who's also really into her. If you don't do something bold to gain her attention, you're gonna lose to that scary guy who kicked the shit out of you," Jimmy said, leaning back comfortably against the seat.

"Why're you so concerned about all this?" I asked.

"Cuz you're my bro. You seem really happy when you're with her so I just want you to quit being emotionally retarded and do something before she moves out of your house. She's not gonna be across the hall from you forever, you know," he said knowingly.

I just sat in silence, letting Jimmy's unusually perceptive words sink in as I continued the drive to town. I don't know why he would think that I was interested in Alex, especially when all I've ever been was mean to her. I mean, sure, I've showed more concern for her these days with everything that's gone on but that's mainly just because she was so innocent when it came to things like parties and drugs and booze. Besides, she was part of my responsibility since she lived in my house with me. I told Malcolm that I would look after her and I didn't want to break my promise to him.

However, the thoughts of my actions yesterday kept creeping into my mind all day today. I really didn't know what came over me at that moment. At first, I was just joking around with her, since her obliviousness to the social aspect of high school made her an easy target to tease but then, when I offered to be her first kiss, I couldn't really explain what that was about. It was just that the thought of Alex's first kiss being with Naoki just didn't set right with me so I intervened. Everything about this situation just confused the hell out of me. Part of me was starting to think that Jimmy was right about my feelings. Maybe I really did care for her more than I thought.

"There. That's all I wanted to say. This is really harshing my mellow so let's just talk about something else like this weekend's show!" he said, changing his tone. "How fucking pumped are you that we're going to a different state for a gig?!"

Shaking my head, I tried to forget about Alex Elliot on her first date with Naoki. I refused to accept that I had feelings for her beyond friendship.
*End of Brian's Point of View*

Time seemed to pass rather quickly as Naoki and I walked out of the pizza place we went to after the end of the movie. Things seemed to return to normal after the movie, since we had a distraction to keep our attention. Our conversation seemed to flow naturally, as if we were roaming the halls of school together rather than being out on a date this particular Friday night. I was actually quite relieved that the pressure had somewhat dissolved since the expectation of something more seemed to make us both really uncomfortable.

"So, have you thought anymore about which school you're going to?" he asked as we got back into his car for the journey home.

I shook my head, "No, I'm not really sure. If I want to go to any kind of school, I need to get some scholarships lined up first."

"I'm sure you'll get a scholarship somewhere based on your grades," he smiled.

"That's only if I decide to go to a university," I sighed. "What I really want to do is go to art college but in order to do that, I need to get a portfolio of my work together and I don't think I could let anyone see my work."

"But you're so talented. I love your drawings," he complimented.

"Yeah well, the only other people that have seen my work besides you and Casadee is Brian's band and even then, I felt really uncomfortable with them looking at my stuff. I can't imagine what it would be like if I sent my stuff away for a college to look at," I admitted honestly.

"There's nothing to worry about Alex. Sometimes, you just tend to over-think things," he chuckled.

I found myself smiling at his last comment, knowing it was the truth. I did tend to over-think everything even when I didn't have a lot to worry about. I knew that I really over thought how tonight would turn out, which led me to kissing Brian last night so I wouldn't be some novice when it came to the end-of-the-night kissing.

My cheeks started to burn at the thought of Brian's lips on mine, forcing me to avert my gaze out of the passenger window so Naoki couldn't see me. I shouldn't be thinking about it but I couldn't help myself. Despite everything, I still found my heart racing as I remembered the way his hands rested on my hips, his thumbs lightly brushing against my exposed skin from the bottom of my shirt riding up. I could still feel the broad muscles of his shoulders underneath my fingertips when he pulled me closer to him. I found myself longing to feel close to him once again, causing me to shake my head of such thoughts.

The rest of the car ride was silent, tension slowly building as we neared my house. I knew things would get weird again since the end of the night would determine how the date would go. I sighed to myself, trying to push the awkwardness away from me but finding it rather difficult when I knew that he would eventually walk me to the door and kiss me goodnight. For the most part, the evening was enjoyable in spite of the awkward start and the thoughts of Brian creeping into my consciousness every once in a while. I just didn't want to disappoint Naoki by being a horrible companion for the evening.

Naoki pulled up to the curb of the house and shut the engine off, startling me from my thoughts. He quickly emerged at my door and opened it for me as I undid my safety belt to get out. Shutting the door behind us, I led us up the long pathway to the front door, the journey feeling miles long rather than the ten feet it really was. Gripping my black bag tightly, I noticed that the front porch light was on, meaning that people were home. I just hoped that the front door was unlocked so I wouldn't have to dig around for my house key. I was a little too flustered to be searching for things at the moment.

"So, I had a really nice time tonight," Naoki smiled, pausing at the door.

"Yeah, I did too," I replied, offering a nervous smile in return.

"Maybe when I come back from the competition in a few weeks, we could try this again? Maybe it won't feel as awkward as it did tonight?" he suggested.

"Maybe," I nodded, unsure of how I really felt about going on another date with him.

He stepped closer to me, his hands finding their way to my hips as I hitched my breath in surprise. I realized that he was pulling me closer to him for our goodnight kiss as my hands instinctively reached up to grasp his shoulder in response. He started to lean down a bit, lightly touching my lips with his own as I shut my eyes. Though Naoki seemed to be a nice kisser, it wasn't quite the way it felt with Brian. I didn't feel the same rush I had felt before when Brian held me close to him. I was slightly confused by this feeling, wondering why things weren't the same with Naoki.

Naoki pulled away from me slowly, softly smiling at me as I just looked back at him with a quizzical stare. I bit my lower lip in confusion, trying to understand why my heart wasn't wildly beating against my chest as he dropped his arms to his side, stuffing his hands into his pants' pockets.

"Sorry if that was a little weird. First kisses tend to be like that," Naoki said awkwardly, shifting his weight a bit as he spoke.

"All first kisses?" I asked unsurely.

He looked back at me in confusion, his brow furrowing together in his forehead, "All? I thought this was your first kiss? Casadee mentioned you hadn't had a first kiss yet."

"Oh," I said, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable, "um, this wasn't- you weren't my first kiss," I said, stumbling over my words a bit.

"Really? I'm actually a little surprised," he said honestly. "I don't mean that in an offensive way but you just never seemed to show any interest in guys other than Haner."

I could feel myself go red in the face as I ran a nervous hand through my hair. I didn't really want people knowing that Brian was my first kiss, especially given our complicated relationship. Casadee and Naoki had enough reason to dislike him and I didn't want to cause any more strife between them. The way I thought about it, my kissing Brian was nobody else's business, even though I really wanted to talk to Casadee about it since it left me feeling so confused about everything.

Naoki's face fell a bit as he seemed to start to piece things together, "Haner was your first kiss?"

Unable to say anything more, I nodded my head slightly, looking down at the ground. I twisted my fingers around the straps of my bag in anxiety, feeling guilty for causing Naoki disappointment. He was probably looking forward to kissing me goodnight and I was slowly ruining it with how unsure I felt about everything.

"Do you still have feelings for him?" Naoki asked, his voice sounding rather distant.

"I don't know," I whispered honestly, suddenly hating myself for causing him to feel pain.

He took a deep breath, shutting his eyes as if it were painful for him to breathe, before speaking again, "Well you should find out if you do before we start anything serious. I really like you Alex; I've liked you for years and I want to be with you but only if you want to be with me. I don't want you to settle for me."

"Naoki, I-"

"Alex," he interrupted, putting his hand up to emphasize his point, "I'll just make it easier for you. I'm going away for competition and I'll be away for a while. We'll talk again when I come back."

"Naoki, I'm sorry," I said quietly, feeling like a horrible person.

"There's nothing to be sorry about. I'll just… see you when I see you," he said half-heartily, turning back towards his car.

I watched silently as he drove away from the house, feeling the guilt spreading throughout my body and gnawing away at my stomach. There was something about the look in his eyes and the distant tone of his voice that told me that our friendship wouldn't be the same, which was my biggest fear with dating him. I had really hurt him because I couldn't feel the same way he felt about me and I couldn't do anything to rectify the situation. I knew it was irrational to feel so much blame for something I couldn't help, I couldn't seem to fight the grief I felt in possibly messing up my friendship with one of my closest friends.

Unable to stand outside in the dark any longer, I felt myself slowly walking into the house, shutting the door silently behind me. No one seemed to be downstairs, which I was thankful for since the last thing I wanted to do right now was answer questions about my date. Reaching down, I took off the shoes that Casadee forced me to wear and headed straight up the stairs, hoping to find some kind of comfort in Robert Smith's voice. Before heading to my room, I walked over to the bathroom and removed the contacts and makeup from my face. I pulled my glasses out of the handbag and placed them back on my face, feeling a lot more comfortable than I did before.

"I didn't hear you come in."

I turned towards the stairs and noticed that Brian was standing there, acoustic guitar in hand. It was the first time I had really talked to him since last night and considering the timing of it all, it felt extremely awkward. I noticed that he was surveying the outfit I had been forced to wear, making me feel slightly uncomfortable under his studious gaze. I just fidgeted with the bag and shoes in my hands, trying to think of something to say to get out of this uncomfortable situation and go to bed but my mind was blank. All I could think about was how much I wanted him to come closer to me so I could wrap my arms around him.

Brian and I would never do that again though. He had made it perfectly clear from the time we started to live together that we are to be nothing more than people who just happen to live together. If I was lucky, he would count me as a sort of friend to him but I wouldn't push my luck. Given the way things started off in the beginning of the year, I knew better than to like him any more than a friend. After everything that happened between us and then the events of tonight, I didn't want to complicate anything else with my stupid feelings.

"How was your date?" he asked, breaking the silence between us.

"Oh, uh, it was fine," I lied, hoping he wouldn't ask further questions. "How was practice?"

He shrugged in response, "It was ok."

"Good," I nodded, glancing at my bedroom door. "Well, I'm gonna head to bed now. It's been a long day."

"Sure. I should probably do the same since we have another band practice in the morning," Brian said, walking towards his own door.

"Yes, well, goodnight," I said, quickly opening the door and shutting it before hearing his response.

I leaned against the door, trying my best to swallow all the guilt I felt in possibly ruining one of my friendships and forget the thoughts of Brian's soft lips upon my own that continued to plague my mind. Sighing aloud dejectedly, I found myself wishing for the first time that I could fall into a deep sleep where I didn't have to wake to face the complicated reality of jumbled emotions that awaited me in the morning.