Strange Terrain

The warmth of the sun on my skin caused me to stir from my deep sleep, forcing me to turn away from the window where the light was pouring in. Groaning in protest of being awakened by the sun, I snuggled closer to the warm, solid object in front of me, burying my face to shield my sensitive eyes to the light.

Finally realizing that what I was snuggling into was another person's body, my eyes flew open to find myself gazing up at Brian, who remained sleeping soundly beside me on the bed. One arm seemed to be stretched out flat against the mattress beneath me, providing support for my head while his other arm lay draped across my torso. I could feel the heat of his breath against the skin of my cheek as the sounds of his light snores filled the silence. Unable to move away from him due to the fear of waking him, I was doing my best to tame my shocked reaction to finding him in the same bed as me with his arms wrapped around my body.

Thoughts of the previous evening seemed to quickly flash through my mind, providing me with some answers as to how we wound up in this state this morning. I tried my best to fight the smile creeping up on my face at the memory of our heated kiss, wishing to do that once again. I wasn't sure what exactly came over Brian to make him kiss me like that, given my past experience with him messing with my emotions, but part of me wanted to believe that he was actually genuine in his confession of liking me. I knew that he was drinking steadily so part of it could be attributed to slight intoxication or just hormonal lust taking over but there was a small part of me that held onto the irrational notion that maybe, just maybe, he was capable of caring for me the way I craved.

After last night, there really wasn't a doubt in my mind that I was attracted to Brian, even though my mind kept telling me that no good would come of such affections. Becoming fully aware of my feelings for him made me vulnerable because it meant I could get hurt. I wasn't like the other girls he'd been with before. If a relationship between us were to occur, I would suddenly be center of attention at school again and I don't think I was capable of handling that. The last time I was thrust into the spotlight, I was damaged by people who knew nothing about me. I didn't want to be on the end of judgmental comments and hatful glares once again. I just wanted to get through high school with little difficulty.

My mind was buzzing with all these thoughts now that things were complicated. Even if his feelings for me were genuine, what exactly did that mean? Did that mean that we were going to start dating? The thought of dating him just sent fear through me since I had only had one date in my life, which resulted in a damaged friendship with one of my closest friends. Brian was much more experienced with this kind of thing and so were the girls he usually pursued. I thought about his previous girlfriend, Madison Clarke, and felt quite inadequate compared to her. She was his social equal in school, extremely pretty, and confident while I remained a timid outcast who knew next to nothing in the ways of social convention.

I could never be a suitable girlfriend for someone like Brian. It was only now that I realized how naive I once was when I thought a relationship with Brian was plausible.

A sudden pounding at the door startled me out of my thoughts, forcing my eyes to the door. Panic struck at the thought of being found wrapped in Brian's arms and before I knew what I was doing, I found myself scrambling away from him, resulting in me kicking him in the shin as I rolled right off the edge of the bed. Landing on my left side, I let out a small whimper of pain, unable to see my surroundings all that well.

"What the fuck?!" I heard Brian hiss in pain, now wide awake.

Seconds later, the door to our room was thrown open as people filed in. I sat up from my spot on the ground, rubbing my sleepy eyes and reaching toward the nightstand between the two beds for my glasses to restore my sight. Once I had them, I put them on and saw that Jimmy, Johnny, Casadee, Zacky, and Matt were in the room and that everyone was looking at me skeptically.

"Alex, why are you on the floor?" Jimmy asked, tilting his head slightly as he looked at me.

"Oh, I-uh, fell out of bed," I said, pointing toward the bed Brian wasn't laying on.

"I didn't think you were so clumsy," Johnny laughed, shaking his head.

"What the hell are you all doing in here so early anyway?" Brian asked, rubbing his face.

I found myself looking at anyone else in the room aside from him. I could feel his eyes occasionally glance at me but I didn't dare meet his gaze. I was too confused about things and had a feeling that if I looked at him, everyone in the room would know what had transpired the night before.

"We're thinking of getting some breakfast to celebrate Alex's birthday since everyone got too drunk to properly celebrate last night," Zacky explained.

Casadee walked forward, offering a hand to me to help me up. Sighing, I took it and stood from my spot on the ground, dusting myself off a bit. I noticed that Jimmy had started jumping on my empty bed, making me wonder how he was so hyperactive after a long night of drinking. Matt was leaning against the door frame, facing away from the rest of us as Brian walked over to join him, a cigarette dangling from his lips. Running a hand through my wild bed head, I took a seat on the edge of the bed that Jimmy was bouncing on and actively avoided looking in Brian's direction.

"Alright, boys out!" Casadee said suddenly, clapping her hands to get everyone's attention. "We need to get ready now and don't need any help from you all," she said, steering people out of the room.

"But we want to help!" Jimmy whined, jutting out his lower lip in an adorable pout.

"I'm sure that Alex doesn't need that from you after what you put her through last night when you passed out," Casadee said, glaring at him.

"Can I at least get my bag before you kick me out of my room?" Brian asked, sounding a bit irritated.

Casadee grabbed the bag from the edge of the bed and shoved it into his arms harshly, her hard stare meeting his beautiful brown eyes. I wasn't really sure why she was so cross with him but decided to focus my attention at my hands in my lap rather than at the two of them. Just the small glance at Brian caused my cheeks to flush at the memory of last night so I knew that I wouldn't be able to be around him much today without being completely awkward. I felt like everyone in the room knew exactly what had transpired between us the night before and I wasn't ready to talk about any of that until the two of us talked first.

"I'm so sorry Alex," Casadee said once the door was shut, forcing me to snap out of my train of thought and look at her curiously. She was slowly approaching me, taking a seat on the edge of the bed opposite me as she explained further, "I didn't mean to get that drunk and leave you in a room with Haner all night long."

"Oh," I said, not really sure why she was apologizing to me. "Don't worry about it. It's fine."

"I just feel bad since it was your birthday yesterday and you didn't seem to have a good time," she said, tucking some of her hair behind her left ear. "I really hadn't planned on spending the night with Zacky until he told me it was my belated birthday gift since he finally scrounged up the money to pay for it," she said.

"Seriously Cas, it's ok," I sighed, not really all that mad at her. "I had a feeling that you two would go off on your own and it wasn't all that bad sharing a room with Brian so there's nothing to worry about," I said, omitting how much I had actually enjoyed spending the night cuddled next to him.

"I guess that makes sense since you two live together."

"Yeah…"

"I just wanted to make sure it wasn't all that awkward. I heard about how you were forced to deal with a very over affectionate Jimmy last night," she laughed.

"Yeah, that was a little weird," I laughed, shaking my head at the thought.

"Well, we should get ready for breakfast. I think we're heading out after we eat," she said, pushing herself up and digging around in a large duffle bag. "I packed you some clothes for today since I knew we were staying over," she explained, pulling out a few items.

"Thanks," I said, taking the clothes from her.

Quickly changing into the pair of jeans and t-shirt that Casadee managed to snag me, I headed towards the bathroom, wanting desperately to wash my face and brush my teeth. Turning on the faucet, I grabbed the toothbrush Casadee had packed along with my clothing and started scrubbing my teeth clean as the memories of the previous night consumed my thoughts.

I was so confused by everything that had occurred and needed some answers. I wanted desperately to talk to Casadee about it since she was much more experienced than I was in relationships though I knew that it wouldn't turn out well. Casadee wasn't Brian's biggest fan and I knew that she wouldn't like it if I told her how I still harbored feelings for him after all this time. She would rather I be with someone like Naoki than Brian but unfortunately, my heart was stupid when it came to which guy I fell for.

I walked out of the bathroom, feeling much better now that my teeth were clean and hair maintained in a messy ponytail. Casadee was sitting on my bed, looking through her phone when I walked back into the room, smiling brightly when she saw I was ready for whatever they had planned for breakfast. She grabbed my bag from the spot in front of her and we left the hotel room, rejoining the guys as they hung around Matt's truck, smoking cigarettes and talking about their next upcoming gig.

"Finally the birthday girl emerges!" Jimmy said, seizing me into a bone-crushing hug.

I breathed in his strong scent of tobacco and hoped that he wouldn't burn me with the cigarette dangling from his lips. I tried to return the hug but found that I couldn't move my arms any higher than my elbows due to Jimmy's grip. I could hear the others laughing, trying to coax Jimmy to let go of me before he broke me which just caused me to laugh. I never really would've known before that Jimmy was so affectionate with his friends. I always through he was the funny one that got into trouble but Jimmy was a genuine person when it came to his feelings. He tended to wear it all on his sleeve so everyone would know what he was feeling.

"Jimmy, as much as I love you, you're crushing my air supply," I squeaked out, hoping he would stop spinning me around.

Jimmy stopped and released me, causing me to gasp for some much needed air. I looked to Brian, who I was actively trying to avoid, and noticed that he was smiling as well; making me wonder what was going through his mind. After everything that happened the night before, I wasn't sure what to think about the two of us nor would I get the chance to talk to him about it with everyone still hanging around.

"Now that the birthday girl's here, let's get some damn pancakes!" Johnny said, stomping out his cigarette.

"Good to know where your priorities lie," Casadee laughed, shaking her head.

"But pancakes sound like a good idea so let's get going," Matt smiled, walking toward the driver's side of his truck. "Everyone going in the same vehicle or what?" he asked.

"Might as well. I think there's an IHOP right up the street a bit," Zacky shrugged, helping his girlfriend into the truck.

As I walked toward the back of the truck to hop in, I felt a pair of rough hands seizing my waist and hoisting me up into the bed of the truck. I squealed in surprise as well as the ticklish sensation that the hands at my sides had, making me squirm in that person's grip bit. Once I was safely on the back of the truck, I turned to see who had grabbed me and realized that Brian had been the one to help me up, making me blush at the memory of his hands on my skin the night before. I offered him a sheepish smile and took my seat beside Johnny, hoping that no one else would notice the way he looked at me or the way I kept avoiding looking at him.

The ride to the IHOP was short but tense. Matt and Jimmy sat in the front of the truck while the rest of us sat in the back, hanging on for dear life as Matt sped down the street and made a few sharp turns into the parking lot. I was stuck between Johnny and Brian, trying my best to keep away from Brian, which just resulted in cuddling closer to Johnny. I couldn't figure out why I was so adamant about staying away from Brian. Part of it was due to the lack of trust I had in him with regard to my feelings but the main thing had to be I couldn't seem to trust myself around him. I craved him in the worst possible way and rather than give into that indulgence, I needed to keep away from him until I figured out what it was that I wanted.

"Pancakes!" Jimmy cheered, slamming the passenger's side door shut.

"You don't need to slam my door asshole," Matt muttered as we all hopped out of the truck.

"Oh your truck is fine. Quit being a little bitch about it," Jimmy scoffed, holding the door open for everyone.

We all filed into the breakfast eatery, probably looking quite frightening to the rest of the patrons which consisted of young families and a few elderly couples enjoying their quiet breakfast. I knew that one look at Jimmy's wild hair or the public displays of affection between Casadee and Zacky would be enough to cause some nightmares for the younger children within the restaurant. A middle-aged woman at the register watched us warily before showing us to one of the larger booths in the back corner of the restaurant. I was squashed between Johnny and Matt this time in the very middle since I was supposed to be the center of attention, according to Jimmy. Casadee and Zacky sat on the opposite side of Johnny while Jimmy and Brian took the other space beside Matt.

"So, I hope you're not claustrophobic," Matt joked as he snuggled up next to me, putting an arm on booth behind me to give me more room.

"It's not so bad since Johnny's so scrawny," I shrugged playfully.

"Aw! You too Alex! I thought you were the nice one!" Johnny whined, feigning a hurt expression. "And to think I loved you…"

"That was clearly a one-sided affair Johnny," Casadee laughed.

"Still, it hurts," he pouted, sinking behind the menu.

"So is everyone getting pancakes or what?" Jimmy asked, ignoring Johnny's unhappy rumblings behind his menu.

"I think the general consensus is pancakes, right?" Zacky asked.

"Well, I was thinking about French toast," I said quietly, looking over my options.
"What? We're in the International House of Pancakes, not the International House of French Toast! Blasphemy!" Jimmy shouted with a mocking glare, pointing an accusing finger my direction.

"She doesn't like the texture of pancakes," Brian told him, casting a small glance at me.

"Well, I guess this can be forgiven, this time…" Jimmy said, watching me suspiciously over the top of his menu. "I want the blueberry! Bring me blueberry pancakes woman!" Jimmy decreed loudly, shouting to the nearest waitress passing by.

"Jimmy, you're hyperactivity is gonna get us kicked out of here without pancakes now shut up!" Casadee scolded the drummer.

He just responded by sticking his tongue out at Casadee while crossing his arms over his chest and slumping back against the booth, sighing loudly in annoyance.

It wasn't long after Jimmy's yelling that a waitress wandered over to us and took our order. She was a younger woman, possibly a college student, who kept sneaking glances at Brian in between jotting down our orders. I tried my best to look away but I couldn't help the burning jealousy I felt when I watched the way she bat her eyelashes his direction when he told her his order. I had no cause to feel jealousy, especially when there was nothing more between us than a few weird exchanges. I couldn't even categorize our relationship as friendship since we had consistent ups and downs. The more I watched the two of them interact, the more confused I felt. I hated this new barrage of feelings I was experiencing.

An intense dissection of the previous night's show began as soon as the waitress walked away, leaving me stuck within my own thoughts rather than participating. I had started to compose a mental pros and cons list of what a relationship with Brian would constitute, even if nothing were to come of it. I couldn't even be sure if he really wanted a relationship since he was so prone to changing his mind about how he felt about our relationship to one another. Most of the time, I couldn't even tell if we were considered friends and then there were moments, like the night he took me home from the Halloween party or when he came to my old house to find me after the vicious rumors about our living arrangement surfaced, when he seemed to genuinely care for me.

"So, should we wait until after breakfast to give you your gifts or should we just do it now?" Matt asked, breaking me out of my thoughts as he nudged me with his elbow.

"I told you guys, you didn't have to get me anything," I told them, feeling the color rush to my cheeks at the thought of Brian's gift the night before.

"Well too bad. We've already gotten you some pretty awesome gifts so I think we should open them! I want to see you open them!" Casadee told her.

"I'll grab them from the truck," Zacky commented as he got up from the booth as Matt tossed him the keys.

"I don't understand the fuss," I muttered lowly, trying to divert the attention away.

"Well I think celebrating your birth is a pretty big deal, otherwise you wouldn't be here to experience the glory of my god-like presence," Jimmy said, causing Casadee to snigger at him, "or you wouldn't get to experience the blueberry pancakes and your blasphemous French toast," he added, feigning disgust at the mention of my breakfast order.

"Get over it Jimmy. Not everyone has a hard-on for blueberry pancakes the way you do," Johnny said, earning him a hard smack against the back of his head from Jimmy. "Ow!"

"Seriously though Alex, we're just glad you'd want to spend your birthday with us. We've been kind of shitty to you for most of high school so we're trying to make it up to you now," Matt told her.

"Besides, your birthdays should be good things instead of a day where you're constantly reminded of your mom," Casadee said.

I offered them a small smile, unsure of what to say in response. It was true that most of my birthdays consisted of memories of my mother, often leading to sadness but this one was different. Instead of thinking of my mom, I kept thinking back to the night before when Brian and I were in the hotel room. I was desperate to find out what these feelings actually meant but it meant having a conversation with Brian that I was in no way ready for. I couldn't help constantly sneaking glances at him as he sat quietly at the end of the table, playing with the straw for his water or laughing at something Jimmy said to him. He hadn't really acknowledged me this morning in front of the other, other than helping me into the truck, so I wasn't sure what he wanted as far as other people knowing.

Instead of feeling sad about not having my mom, I felt confused about the boy who had occupied my heart and thoughts most of my time in high school. It was overwhelming.

Zacky returned quickly, holding a few small packages I hadn't seen the night before when I was in the front of the truck with Matt. Seeing the one wrapped in aluminum foil like leftovers made me smile, looking to Jimmy since he was the only person I could think of that would wrap his gift in such a way. Zacky placed the gifts at the end of the table and took his place next to Casadee once again, shooting me a playful wink as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"So, how are we doing this?" Matt asked.

"I'm going first!" Johnny said, reaching over the table and seizing his gift. He handed it to me with glee, "Happy birthday Alex. I hope you like it."

"Thanks Johnny," I smiled.

I grabbed the homemade card first; noticing that within the card were a few slips of paper marked 'Johnny's Sexy Coupons' which were redeemable at anytime, making me laugh. Matt reached around behind me and smacked him, causing the small bassist to whine about always being the punching bag. Shaking my head at their behavior, I opened the gift, happy to find a set of professional art pencils and a new black sketchbook with my sketch of a headless skeleton reaching out for their death bat logo stenciled onto the front. I was quite surprised that he managed to get it copied onto the front of the sketchbook, especially when I thought they had lost or thrown away my sketches I used to do for them while they practiced.

"Matt gave me the picture," Johnny said, pulling me out of my thoughts. "I always liked this one so I had our other friend make a stencil of it and spray paint it onto the front of the book."

"Johnny, this is so great," I told him, setting the book and pencil set down. I seized him into a hug, which he gladly returned, "Thank you so much."

"If I knew giving you gifts would make you voluntarily touch me, I would've started buying you shit a lot sooner than this," he joked, earning him another smack and glare from Casadee.

"No corrupting my innocent friend with your dirty hands!" she scolded him, prying the two of us apart.

"Calm down babe," Zacky said, trying to get her to settle down beside him. "Alex has better taste than Shortshit so there's nothing to worry about."

"Hey!" Johnny whined, rubbing his sore arm where Casadee struck him.

"That's very true," Casadee laughed. "Ok, carry on."

Johnny sank down in his seat, moping a bit. I just shook my head at their antics and tried to find a place to keep my gifts so they weren't in the way. Brian reached out and took them from me, placing them on the other side of him since he had some room beside him and Jimmy. I gave him a small nervous smile, averting my eyes to the table when I felt myself staring too long. I didn't want to arouse suspicion with the rest of the group.

Jimmy grabbed the foil package, making me smile at how I had guessed right at the way that Jimmy would wrap a gift for me, and handed it over, "I don't wrap gifts very well. Sorry about that."

"It's ok," I told him, tearing open the foil.

Inside the foil package was a beautiful silk robe that had red and white Japanese cherry blossoms on it. It was shorter cut which meant I wouldn't be wearing it without my pajama bottoms on since I didn't want to expose too much but very beautiful. I looked at him with surprise, especially when wrapped inside the robe, I found a copy of Princess Mononoke on DVD. Normally, Jimmy had problems spending money because he didn't have it. Often times, I found him at the breakfast table in the Haner residence since he stayed the night in the instrument room. I couldn't believe that he actually chose to spend money on a gift for me, especially when the robe looked rather expensive.

"Jimmy, this is too beautiful," I told him, unsure of what to tell him.

"I got some cash together from the candy fund," he said, giving me a wink before continuing on with his explanation, "and went thrifting. I found that in a Goodwill and remembered how you liked Japanese things. I thought you would like that," he shrugged casually. "The movie was there too so I picked it up and managed to haggle down the price."

"You mean that James Owen Sullivan, aka The Reverend Tholomew Plague, actually dipped into his drug fund to buy a gift for someone?" Zacky asked with surprise.

"Well, I couldn't just tag my name onto your gift this time," Jimmy scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Besides, Alex is worth it."

I bit my lip, trying to keep my emotions at bay as I held the soft material closer to my body. Jimmy just leaned over the table and placed a soft kiss on my forehead before returning to his seat and ripping open the sugar packets. I carefully folded the robe up and used the sash to tie the movie and soft material into a neat bundle, which Brian took as well. I looked back to Jimmy, who seemed to be more interested in making a small mountain of sugar from the packets on the table and smiled.

"Thank you Jimmy," I told him.

"Sure thing Alex," he nodded, pausing in his actions to look up, "just make sure I get a peek at you in that outfit next time," he said with a devilish grin.

"Will you all stop hitting on Alex?" Casadee sighed, smacking Jimmy on the arm.

"Why are you so resistant to the future?" Jimmy joked.

Casadee just shook her head, unsure of what more to say while I just laughed. I think Jimmy just liked getting a rise out of her and for some reason, she didn't approve of any of her boyfriend's friends for me, which made me wonder why. I knew I wasn't nearly as experienced as any of them but still, why was she so concerned? It made me wonder what her reaction would be if she found out about the previous night's exploits with Brian. She already disliked him but I knew that once she found out about that, she would murder him.

"Well I promise not to hit on you as I give you this," Matt smiled, handing over his gift.

I laughed, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed with all the attention I wasn't normally used to getting from the guys, as I opened his gift. His was in a small bag with tissue paper so I had to dig around for it. I pulled out a few rolls of Smarties, making me laugh at his joke about Halloween that caused Casadee to reach out to hit him. Luckily, Zacky was faster and held her back. I kept looking around until I found a small black velvet box, making me look at him skeptically. I opened it, revealing a beautiful silver necklace with a crescent moon pendent. On the end of the moon, there was a small silver star with little white gemstones outlining the shape of the star and a small topaz stone in the shape of a heart that hung next to the moon.

"Of course you had to go and out do us all!" Johnny whined, throwing his hands in the air.

"Matt, this is really too much," I told him, holding it in my hands as if I was undeserving of such a gift.

Matt chuckled, taking the necklace from my hand and unclasping it, "It wasn't as much as you think. Besides, I thought it suited you very well. Jewelry always seems to be the way to go when it comes to giving girls presents."

He reached up and helped me put it on, making me flush when I felt his rough fingertips brush against the sensitive skin on my neck. I held the front of the necklace, looking down at the pendent with admiration. Getting all the gifts for my birthday was very overwhelming. I never thought I would have a birthday quite like this one. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to react to receiving such well-thought out gifts from people who had only started speaking to me less than three months ago. I knew that it was paranoid but I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop when it came to my new friends.

"Thank you Matt," I said quietly, unable to look him in the eye.

"Hey now," he said, gently placing his hand under my chin. He lifted it so I would face him, making me smile nervously at him. "You're welcome Alex. You deserve it. It's not every day that you turn seventeen."

"I guess that's true," I replied.

"Well, before this gets too emotional, you need to open our gift," Casadee said, shoving a large purple envelope into my hands.

I looked at the large envelope, curious about the size of the card and opened it, noticing a large yellow card inside with the words 'Stay Weird' printed in large black letters and a smaller '*I like you better that way' printed underneath. Laughing at the card, I opened it and inside it read 'Happy Birthday Nerd! Hope you didn't think this card was the only gift' written in Casadee's handwriting with a winky face and an arrow pointing to another to a regular sized blue envelope. I took the smaller card and looked at the pair with curious eyes as I opened it. The next card was bright pink with a white bunny standing in the middle. The message read 'Go ahead little bunny, you have something to say? Dammit bunny! He was supposed to wish you a happy birthday. He's such an asshole' while the bunny said, 'blow me'.

"I love these cards," I told them.

"Well, there's more inside," Zacky said, trying to entice me.

I opened the card and found happy birthday messages from the two of them as well as a homemade pocket made out of green construction paper with the words, 'look inside me' written on the front of it. I reached into the pocket and pulled out four tickets, my eyes going wide when I realized what they were tickets for. I dropped the card and tickets onto the table, looking back and forth between Casadee and Zacky, who were all smiles, and the tickets in shock.

"Are you serious?" I squeaked out. "You guys got tickets to see Incubus and Deftones?"

"It was all Casadee's idea," Zacky laughed.

"I just remember all the times we used to talk about going to a show together and never finding a band we could agree on until last year, when we both became obsessed with the new Incubus album. That's when I decided to get you tickets the next time they were coming around and luckily, we only have to wait three weeks," Casadee explained. "Besides, I've been dying to see Deftones so I figured this was the dream lineup for us as your first concert."

"Oh my God," I breathed, looking down at the tickets with excitement. "Thank you both so much! Wow. Oh my God," I said, unable to gather my thoughts.

"Hey, we're just going to make sure you girls don't get into too much trouble," Zacky winked, taking a sip of his water.

"We?" I asked curiously.

"Brian chipped in with us," Casadee said, looking slightly annoyed.

I looked at him curiously, feeling slightly confused about the gift. He had already given me the CD of my favorite songs that he had recorded so I didn't really understand why he chipped in with Casadee and Zacky's gift. Was the gift from the night before supposed to be a secret? Did the other guys not know that he had recorded those songs? It just added to the confusion about our ambiguous relationship that made my head spin.

Brian had been looking at me the entire time, watching me with a neutral expression. I wasn't sure what else to do but offer him a smile and thank him for the gift since my questions couldn't be voiced in present company. He opened his mouth to say something but the waitress coming back with our breakfast order cut him off, making Jimmy cheer with glee at the large stack of blueberry pancakes before him. I just collected the tickets and cards back into the large envelope and tucked it beside me for safe keeping.

The rest of breakfast carried on with Johnny whining about Zacky and Jimmy stealing bites of his sausage and bacon while Casadee clamored on about the upcoming concert. Though I contributed a bit to the conversations happening around the table, I thought mostly about how I needed to talk to Brian as soon as possible, though I knew that I was nowhere near ready. I wasn't the best at organizing my thoughts, especially when things were so unclear but I couldn't take the not knowing anymore. I needed to gain some answers to calm my unsteady nerves which had been tested with the past few months of living under the same roof. Last night's actions just pushed me over the edge and I couldn't remain quiet anymore.

We drove back to the motel after breakfast, which no one allowed me to pay for. Matt and Jimmy were loading up the back of his truck with the equipment they stored in their room the night before while Casadee and Zacky had a private conversation against her car, occasionally pausing to kiss one another. Johnny sat on the concrete parking bumper in the spot next to Matt's truck, smoking a cigarette and complaining about all the bruises that were starting to form from his beating at breakfast. Brian had gone back into our room to make sure he hadn't left anything behind, which gave me the perfect excuse to talk to him.

I walked into the room, hearing the water in the sink running. I took a seat on the bed we shared the night before, trying to think of the best way to start our conversation but coming up short on how to lead into it. He poked his head out of the bathroom, noticing me sitting quietly on the bed and disappeared back into the bathroom. I chewed my lip nervously, wringing my hands in my lap as I waited for him to join me in the room. My heart was wildly throbbing away in my chest so loudly I could hear the rapid pounding in my ears.

Brian returned to the room, walking towards me and taking the seat opposite me on the other bed. I kept my eyes on the hideous industrial carpet, afraid to look at him since I could never read his face. It wasn't until I felt his hands on top of mine, stopping my fidgeting, that I looked up at him, noticing that he also looked rather uneasy. He offered me a small smile, slowly pulling his hands away from mine and back to his own lap. It was ridiculous how such a small gesture such as his hands touching me could make me yearn for more.

"We need to talk," I told him quietly, unsure how I managed to get the words out clearly since they felt like they were stuck in my throat.

"About last night," he stated, nodding slightly. "Yeah, we do."

Pushing myself up from the bed, I started to pace in front of the two beds, surprising Brian as I started speaking quickly before I lost my nerve, "So I don't get you. I told myself when we started living together that I was done with feeling anything romantic towards you since you blew me off and told me there was no chance in hell that anything between us would ever happen and that was fine. I told myself that it was ok because I thought I had closure and then we move in together and things were ok. I knew you hated my guts because I was a hindrance to you and I accepted that. It was still ok-"

"Lexi, I-" he started to say.

"No. I need to get all this out now or I'll never say anything," I told him sternly, pausing my pacing for a moment.

"Ok," he said. "Just take your time. Breathe."

I took a deep breath before continuing, "When we started living together, I kept away from you. I did what you told me because I already knew how bothersome I was and thought that avoiding you would make it easier. You were the one that wouldn't leave me alone. You kept seeking me out and it was so confusing because one minute, you were talking to me as if we were friends and then the next, you completely hated my guts. Even with your bipolar attitude towards me, I found myself feeling drawn to you again, especially after you kissed me that first time. I tried to keep those emotions to myself because I wasn't going to set myself up for rejection again and then out of nowhere, you decide to give me such a wonderful gift and then you kiss me," I scoffed. I collapsed back on the bed, feeling rather deflated as I admitted quietly, "I just don't understand you Brian. And I don't want to get hurt by you anymore. I can't take anymore."

The mattress beside me sunk down a bit as Brian sat beside me. I looked up at him briefly, feeling rather embarrassed that I had just spilled my guts to him once again and made myself vulnerable to rejection once again. Brian took hold of one of my hands, the warmth of his skin against my own sending a shock of electricity through my arm and down the rest of my body. I couldn't believe the affect he had on me, even after everything we had gone through over the past few months. He was still able to render me completely helpless.

"I don't know what you want from me Lexi," he told me softly, breaking the silence that had settled within the room.

My eyes met his with the same confusion, "I don't know either."

"I'm not the best person when it comes to relationships. My track record speaks for itself," Brian laughed dryly, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"I'm not even sure I want a relationship right now," I told him honestly, "especially after everything with the e-mail. I don't want to be subject to more rumors and I don't really like all the attention. I'm used to keeping to myself and flying under the radar. It's what I'm comfortable with."

"So you're rejecting me this time?" he asked in a joking manner.

"Brian, I like you. Plain and simple," I told him, nudging my glasses into place with my hand. "I just don't know what that means now."

"Do we have to figure it all out now?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," I said, looking away from him nervously. "I just don't want to become subject to ridicule and I don't want things to continue in limbo anymore. It's too confusing and exhausting to worry about."

"I know," he said, forcing my attention once again. "I just don't know what to do."

As the silence settled between us once again, I started thinking about our dilemma. Both of us were interested in something more than friendship yet I couldn't stand the thought of exploring that option because I didn't want the attention while he remained hesitant since he didn't have the best reputation when it came to being with someone. Though I wanted all the answers now, I knew that wasn't going to happen since we couldn't figure out what it was that we really wanted from each other. It was beginning to dawn on me that maybe knowing everything wasn't going to solve anything.

Deciding to be bold, I leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on his lips. He seemed shocked by the brief action, his brown eyes searching mine for some kind of explanation but quickly captured my lips with another kiss. His hand gently caressed my cheek as he kissed me, making me feel the need to be closer to him. I pulled him closer, wrapping my arms around the back of his neck as he deepened the kiss. I knew kissing him would just add to our current complications but I could care less in the moment. The moment my lips touched his, I wanted nothing more than to be closer to him in any way I could. After what felt like hours, the kiss ended when he pulled away from me, taking a deep breath. I knew that he was trying to figure out what all this meant, especially since there was no going back to how things were after last night's declarations.

"I just want to get to know you better," I told him honestly. "We don't need to label ourselves as anything and we don't need to tell anyone until we're ready. We can just keep this to ourselves until we find the answers we're looking for."

He looked at me skeptically, his eyebrows furrowed, "You're sure you're ok with that?"

I nodded rapidly, trying to piece together my thoughts in a way he would understand, "I think this is what I want right now, yeah. Until we both know what we want from each other, I'd rather keep it quiet and take things slowly."

"I'm ok with that if it's what you want," he said. "We won't tell anyone until we're ready."

"Ok," I smiled.

He returned the smile before pulling me into another kiss. I laughed a little, especially when he pulled me on top of him. His arms wrapped themselves securely around my waist as my hands grasped his t-shirt, unable to move my arms since they were pinned between our bodies. I couldn't help but moan a little as his hands slid underneath my t-shirt and across the small of my back. I forced myself to pull away before we got too carried away, aware that we had been in the room while our friends were still outside waiting for us. He protested a bit by trying to kiss me again, disappointed when I managed to wriggle myself out of his grip.

"We have to get going," I told him. "They're still outside waiting for us."

"I guess we can continue this when we get back home," he sighed.

"We have to be careful though," I reminded him. "If Malcolm found out you and I were more than just friends, I'm not sure you'd be safe."

"You're right," he said, sobering to the fact that my dad would probably cause him a world of pain. "I don't really wanna see Malcolm angry."

"It's not a pretty sight," I laughed.

We both stood from the bed, heading towards the door. Before I could open it, Brian's hand reached out to the door knob, halting me from grabbing it. He looked at me with a seriousness I hadn't seen before, making me worry that he was going to tell me that he was just kidding and that this had all been some kind of mistake. I swallowed hard, waiting for whatever it was that he had to say and hoped that it wasn't going to hurt too bad.

"So you and I are just friends to everyone else?" he asked.

"When we're with everyone else, we're just like how we used to be but when we're alone; we can get to know each other better. I think this is for the best until we figure out what we really want from one another," I told him.

"I just wanted to make sure."

"It's ok Brian. It's our best option right now," I reassured him, smiling softly. "You don't have to worry."

He nodded, leaning in for one last kiss before he opened the door leading us back to our friends. He grabbed the bag that had been sitting by the door, and opened it, allowing me to walk out first. I saw Jimmy and Johnny rolling around in the parking lot, arguing about something while everyone else watched on with amusement. I stopped beside Casadee, resisting the urge I had to pull Brian closer to me as she looked up at me.

"What's going on here?" I asked curiously.

"Oh you know, Johnny did something to piss Jimmy off so they're fighting. It's the same thing that always happens with these two," she laughed, shaking her head. "You ready to head back?"

"Yeah, I think so," I nodded.

"Alright guys, we're taking off," Casadee announced. "We'll see you guys back in California."

"Alright babe, get back safely," Zacky told her, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

Matt walked up and gave me a hug, which I returned, "See you at school tomorrow."

"Thanks for the gift Matt," I smiled, pulling away from him. "I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome birthday girl," he said.

"Bye my love!" Johnny called out from the headlock Jimmy had him in.

"Bye Johnny. Just apologize to Jimmy and he'll let you go," I told him.

"That's not true!" Jimmy said, pulling him tighter in his grasp.

Casadee and I headed to her car and got in. As I settled into my seat, I looked out at Brian who was leaning against the back of the truck, lighting up a cigarette and watching me. I fought the urge to wave to him, since we never acknowledged each other in such a way before. It was strange having to act like nothing happened between us, especially since I wanted even the simple things like holding his hand in public. I knew it would be challenging to keep something this big to myself and act like Brian and I were just friends but I knew it was for the best. We both needed the time to figure out what we really wanted from one another and we needed the time to get to know each other better. I had to keep telling myself that this was all necessary.

After last night, we couldn't go back to the way things used to be. Everything changed the moment he kissed me and now, we needed to figure out what the future held. I just hoped that I wouldn't be the one left hurting again when all was said and done.