Change My Ways

Instead of taking the news I had just received and going back to starbucks and buying my drink again, my mind took over my body and decided to direct me back to the car and drive over to Madison Square Garden. Thoughts were going too fast to focus on one, my stomach was now a cage for restless butterflies, and a small part of me believed that this was too good to be true. A small part of me, which was now starting to take over, believed that this was all just a joke.

When I was back behind the wheel of the car, my hands shook with anger. Grip tightening on the yellow envelope, my fingers created little crinkles in the paper, and by the time the airbags in my chest were filled to capacity, the envelope was set back down on the seat next to me, still unopened.

“Just open it. This is too huge to be a joke. I don’t talk much, who could hate me this much?” And as that thought faded into my mind, I thought of everyone that could possibly hate me this much. One possibility was my boyfriend from high school, Jared. Then there was the most recent failed boyfriend, Ryan. Even though both of them had broken up with me, somehow they turned it into that I was the bad person and my emotionless love was the reason for the breakup.

A pain started to pound behind my eyes. Thoughts rushed back into my head as I thought about the two serious – and somewhat meaningful- relationships with Jared –which lasted two years, from the first day of sophomore year to the first few days of the summer- and my latest relationship with Ryan –which lasted a year and some days. The similarities between the two; they were both jocks, both into hockey and lacrosse. The differences were somewhat drastic. Jared was the golden boy. Athletic, beautiful with flawless skin, smart, and treated a girl how they wanted to be treated. Ryan was the complete opposite.

Two years were spent with Jared LeBlanc. He was my first everything, and even though the bond between us was suspected to be incredibly tight, it wasn’t. Many times during those two years Jared would mutter ‘I Love Yous’ and received silence as an answer. When we kissed, butterflies would flutter lightly in my stomach, and when we spent time together smiles did light up on my face, but other than that it didn’t feel like anything special. Sure, I believed that I did love him, but there was something in me that kept reminding me every time we walked away from each other that this wasn’t going to last, that something was going to happen. And eventually those thoughts led to the break of our relationship and the strong hatred for me on his part.

It was the night before senior prom, and we had graduated two days ago. Officially we were college students, at least those of us who were going to college and instead of going to prom Jared had managed to get his lake house for the weekend, just me, him, the crystal clear lake behind his house, and the breath taking sunrise and sunset view from the roof. When he told me, excitement was running through him, but all I could do was smile and tell him it would be relaxing.

My reaction wasn’t what Jared had wanted and that night, he and I went on a drive to the local park. Instead of walking around, we sat on the trunk of his car and let the cool summer night wind blow in our faces. The conversation was almost perfectly stored in my head, as if a tape recorder was built in.

”Baby”, Jared whispered taking my hands in his. Our bodies turned toward each others, smiles on our faces as the summer wind blew our hair into our eyes. With a chuckle, my head reached out and moved the few free strands of black hair out of his crystal green eyes. “We need to talk. Lately, it feels like…” he paused ripping his eyes from mine. “It feels like you don’t even care about us anymore. We kiss, I say I love you, you say it back, but you don’t care. We’ve been together for two years almost and it’s like it’s routine”, his eyes were filled to the brim with hurt, and small pangs of guilt hit me, but they didn’t hurt.

Eyes finding out hands, I sighed heavily and pulled my hands from his. “I don’t know Jar, it’s just like”, my fingers intertwined and pressed out, awaiting the sound of cracks from my bones. “I don’t feel anything when we’re together. Every time we’re apart I just think of what we’re doing and I just know…”, a puff of air left my mouth, “I just don’t believe we’ll work out. One of us will get bored or find someone new.” Voice cracking, I awaited the small beads of salt water to fall from my eyes, but to my surprise they stayed completely dry. “Love doesn’t last forever and I guess you can just say I’m waiting for the end.”

He stayed silent. The beautiful green eyes that had twisted my stomach for the first few weeks of our relationship locked onto mine. With a deep breath, I looked into them intently, trying to feel what I felt back then, but nothing happened. They were dull now lacking all of the shine and glitter that once took refuge there. “What do you mean you’re waiting for the end? I love you Jessica, don’t you understand that? I mean how you can just wait for the end, that’s not what relationships are about! Did I ever mean anything to you?” His voice was angry and strained not like he was going to cry, but in a way that he could not believe what I had said.

I nodded. After a few minutes, I shook my head and felt the body next to me disappear. The emotionless blood running through my veins calmed me as my eyes moved to the boy standing right in front of me, staring at me, scared. “What is wrong with you?” The words cut through me, but only skin deep. With a heavy sigh, the words fell from my shoulders and mind, like he just mumbled something that meant absolutely nothing to me. “Do you have any emotions at all? I mean, give me a break Jessica. I understand what you went through growing up. All of those stories you told me about your mom sending to your room so she could cheat on your father and how your father would leave for weeks at a time, but just because you were brought up with no love doesn’t mean it’s not real!” Jared grabbed my shoulders practically begging me to understand him, but all I could do was stare at him, wondering how he could stoop so low as to bring my childhood problems into this.

“That has nothing to do with this”, I snapped back a small amount of venom seeping into my words. “My childhood has nothing-“

“Oh but it does! The only reason you don’t have any emotions is because you can’t let go of the past”, my fists were clenched at this point, and I wanted so badly to show Jared just how much emotion I could have. “You’re perfect Jessica, you just need to learn how to love”

“I do not”

He stared at me, the patient look in his eyes growing more transparent with each passing moment. “Or you’re just to afraid to open up and fall in love with someone.”

“You know everything about me. Some of the things I told you my best friends don’t even know. If that’s not opening up-“

“Then let go of the past. If you can’t than there’s no point to this relationship”

“My past is my past”

Silence swept over us. The cool air that struck my bare skin only minutes ago seemed to warm, and now as it hit me; I felt beads of sweat form on my forehead and behind my neck. Heat radiated off of my cheeks, and more sweat formed between my fingers tightly pulled into the palm of my hands. Jared’s eyes locked onto mine. Shaking his head, the stare broke apart and left a cool wind to blow through the space left between us, sending shivers up and down my spine.

Another few minutes went by until Jared finally turned to me. “I can’t do this anymore, Jess”, his voice cracked as his green eyes found mine. “These two years I knew something was wrong, but that?” he referred to my ideals of relationships. The I don’t care attitude because of the big picture that we were just going to break apart anyway. “I love you, but I can’t do this.”

Open palms pressed against the smooth skin on my forehead, heavier pain started pounding from behind my eyes. The first real break up of my life, and I remembered it clearly, just like what I did after it. Instead of getting my ride home, I stood in the parking lot of the park and watched the night sky. The hours in I spent in that parking lot meant something to me unlike the hours I spent with Jared. Deep down somewhere I loved him, but showing it I just couldn’t do.

When I finally dragged my body home, I calculated how many hours I spent on the patch of asphalt staring at the deep blue velvet sky. Ten hours in total, including the minutes in which Jared was besides me. In those ten hours, I did not shed one tear. Breaking up with him was ingrained in my head as inevitable; destiny and it wouldn’t have been much longer before it happened.

A loud ring knocked me out of my thoughts. Blinking a few times my body jerked to the side as my hands quickly found my cell phone. Within seconds, my phone was silenced and tossed back in my bag. Shutting my eyes, I thought about what Ryan could possibly want with me now.

Suddenly memories crashed over me from the past break-up with Ryan, but I refused to let them take control over my mind. Instead I stayed with the facts. With Ryan, I tried to keep my emotions for him alive. When I looked at him and kissed him I tried to rekindle the flame that was there in the first month of our relationship. When I looked in his eyes, I tried to wake-up the butterflies in my stomach, but after a month, it all fell apart. The only difference was I refused to let him find out. Although he wasn’t the sweetheart Jared was, I found myself wanting to be with him, and when he cheated on me, it actually hurt. Only so much though, because on the night we broke up I didn’t shed any tears. Then of course he called me out on faking every emotion I ever portrayed. He said it was my fault that we broke up because I didn’t love him.

After that, I swore to myself that I would not date any more jocks. Not only jocks but really any guy in general. I was on the market but for more of a rental. If some guy needed a little relationship, maybe for a month or two, then that was fine. But more long term relationships, I just couldn’t do it. Not only did I hurt the person I tried to love, but I just confused myself more. I needed time to think. I needed to figure out why I was the way I was.

A heavy sigh escaped through my parted lips. Instead of taking the yellow envelops in the passengers seat into my lap and inspecting the insides, I pulled my seatbelt across my body, turned my car on, and started heading back to my dorm. This could be a joke or this could be my big break, but either way it was going to have to wait until tomorrow.