Change My Ways

As soon as the practice was over, Jim had supplied me with the proper work apparel to wear the next day and all of the information I would need for the next three months. The uniform consisted of a simple red and blue polo and whatever pants I wanted to wear. On top of that, he gave me a wind breaker that was the same two colors but read ‘Athletic Staff’ across the back, a pair of sweats baring the team logo, a shirt with the same logo, and a deep blue sweatshirt that had a tiny logo in the corner, and ‘Athletic Staff’ written across the back.

The papers were the more exciting of the two. One was a whole schedule of practices and games; on the bottom in dark blue sharpie was a note that informed me that I would be on duty during all of the dates on the paper. After that sheet was a laminated pass that I could show to the security to let me in without question, unfortunately they decided to take the picture off of my college ID, which I was less than thrilled about. The next paper was a list of all of the players, and players they could bring up. Each player had where they were from, what native language they spoke, weight, height, age, and a long list of what machines they used, how much they did on the machine, how long they went on the machine at wheat levels, and what their weaknesses were, as in how they seemed to get hurt easiest. There was also a note on the bottom of this paper, and it simply said memorize with a smiley face.

The other papers simply stated how much I would get paid and other things that I had to have signed and present back to my school at the end of the three months. Keeping them all in the folder, I tucked it into the bag of my new clothes and stated heading back to the parking lot where my car was parked. The only problem I had was that I was completely clueless on how to get out of the building.

“Retz, my love!” Turning slowly, I smiled at Brian as he walked right up to me. Arm in the air, he quickly took me under his wing and continued walking. After a little episode of stumbling, my legs caught up with his pace and I looked up at him, his eyes directed down the hall like he had not just picked me up. “So, when are you moving in?” he asked, his huge brown eyes meeting another boy who was walking down the hall. After they said something to each other that went over my head, he laughed and waved at the blonde boy.

Not having an answer for him, I kept my mouth shut and kept walking with him, hoping that he was headed to the parking lot I was trying to find. After a few minutes, he opened the door and let me walk out first. Thanking him, I let the sun bathe my skin, but as a cold wind blew through the parking lot, the smile fell from my lips. “When are you?” Blinking I turned to Brian and tilted my head to the side. “Should I spell it to you? Write it down on your car? Morris Code? Brail, or do you prefer sign language?”

“What?” I asked him, eyes narrowing, showing my confusion.

With a heavy sigh Brian walked over to me and took my face in his huge hands. Pressing my cheeks together he widened his eyes and attached them to mine. “When are you going to move into my apartment”, he paused after each word, and when he was done, he let go of my face. Laughing, I informed him that all I wanted to do was go back to my dorm and take a long nap. “You’re nineteen and you sleep more than my eighty year old grandmother, geesh”, He huffed and scanned over all of the cars in the parking lot. With a small smile he pointed over to my car, the small black 1999 black Ford Mustang. “That’s your car?”

Crossing my arms tightly over my chest, my bag of things pressed against my stomach, I turned to Brian and glared up at him. “What are you trying to say? You can pick my car out of all of these because it’s the oldest?”

“Oh no!” Sarcasm dripped off of his words causing me to smile. One of the things I loved about Brian was his sense of humor, and within that was also his sarcasm. He knew how far he could take it and when to stop, which made it all the more enjoyable. “I just knew it was yours because it screams I am a brilliant Physical Therapy Major”, flashing me a goofy grin he pointed across the lot from my car to a shimmering new black BMW. Lowering my eyes, I held my hand up and listened as his mocking laughter filled the air around me.

Instead of asking me what was wrong, he pulled me in for a hug and then looked down at me, all of his facial features set to a rarely used serious mode. “Tomorrow you have to bring all of your things because after practice you’re driving your pretty little self in your snazzy as hell car to my place and you’re not going back to your dorm until these three months are over. Understand?”

“Say my Mustang is the fanciest car you have ever laid eyes on, and we have a deal”, I smirked and watched as he rolled his eyes. Informing me I had not changed one bit, he repeated what I had said and threw his arms up into the air, “Thank you. I will see you tomorrow then.” Waving to him as he walked off toward his BMW, I turned around and watched as a few other men walked over to their fancy cars. Eyes stuck on my little Mustang in the spot near the entrance, I chuckled to myself and pulled my keys out of my purse. If every practice was like this, then these three months were going to fly by.

Before I returned to my dorm, I had successfully went to Starbucks, got one of my frappuccino’s, and walked back to my car without walking into anyone or dropping it. The rest of the ride back to my dorm, I had managed to pay attention to the road and sip away until all that was left was a layer of chocolate on the bottom. Instead of bringing it up to my dorm, grabbing a spoon and eating it like I had done when I was in one of those super craving chocolate modes, I left it in the cup holder. You could call it laziness, but the mood I was the only thing on my list of things to care about was going back to my dorm, setting my alarm clock, changing into sweats, and sleeping.

Bag of clothes in hand, purse over my shoulder I started my walk over to the front doors of my dorm building. The smile on my face was the biggest it has been in days and although the wind hitting my bare skin was cold, my mind had only focused in on the sun. The walk from my car to the front doors was quick and when I entered the small lobby the pure emotion of stress hit me, but the mood I was in quickly blocked it away. Watching the students around me hectically waving papers and borrowing books, I chuckled and made my way through some groups over to the elevator. Once there, I walked in, pressed the button of my floor, four, and then leaned against the back wall.

No one else entered the box and as the doors slid shut, I closed my eyes and rested my head against the wall. Thoughts rushed in and out of my head, but none of them were able to stay as a main focus in my mind. I wanted to think about what it was going to be like living with two guys, traveling places with a professional hockey team, and trying to control the rollercoaster emotions I had when faced with that beautiful, brown eyed, nineteen year old that I was also going to have to live with for the next three months.

A small drop of anxiety fell into my stomach, but the second the huge doors in front of me slid open, all of those thoughts still floating around and the amazingly good mood I was in disappeared. My eyes locked onto his. A smile formed on his face and instead of moving so I could walk out, he walked into the box and smiled at me. Heart racing my eyes drifted up to see that the box had stopped on my floor.

Swallowing hard, I straightened my back and went to walk passed Ryan when his arm quickly shot out from his side and grabbed my elbow. With a small tug, he pulled me away from the door and tilted his head to the side. “What’s wrong, Jess?” Shaking my head trying not to let the sick feeling I now felt show through my face, I shut my eyes and listened as the doors slid shut. Turning away from him I quickly hit the ‘door open’ button. As soon as the space between the doors was enough for me to slip through, I did and started walking toward my dorm, limbs shaking.

The echoing sound of footsteps sent shivers up and down my spine. This day had been so perfect, why would I have to face something like this now? “Jessica”, the way my name rolled off of his tongue made me want to throw up. Breathing now shallow, I quickly turned to my door and as I pulled the key out of the others on my key chain, I put it into the doorknob and quickly turned the knob and key. Pushing the door open, I slipped inside and just as I was about to slam it shut, Ryan pressed the palm of his hand into the door and looked at me. “I just want to talk, baby”, he seethed pushing the door open and taking a few steps into the hallway. Naturally I took those steps away from him to keep the distance.

“What do you want Ryan, huh?” I snapped dropping my bags to the floor and clamping my hands together to try to stop the nervous shake. “It’s over, we broke up, now can’t you just leave me alone now?” I screamed at him. Digging my finger nails into my hands I tried to stop the urge to just scream on the top of my lungs until my throat closed up.

Chuckling, Ryan took a step closer to me and flashed me his smile that he put on whenever he wanted something or first started talking to a new girl. “I think we just need to talk”, another few steps toward me, and I had backed myself up right into the wall of the kitchen portion of the dorm. Placing his body maybe five inches in front of mine, he grabbed a strand of my hair and wrapped it around his finger as he looked into my eyes. “Some of those things I said, they were wrong”, my eyes squeezed shut as he pressed his lips against the corner of my mouth, “How about we go back to my apartment and make-up?”

With a small burst of adrenaline and anger, my hands went right to his chest and pushed. Stumbling back a few steps, his eyes connected to mine, and as anger and shock ran through them he laughed and went to walk over to me when I took a step away from the wall and pointed to the door. “Get the fuck out of my dorm, Ryan”, my voice quivered with fright, but I held it in and managed to set my eyes in a glare.

“Why would you say something like that?” Blinking hard, I took another step closer to him and managed to repeat what I had said with a rougher tone. “You’ve managed to stumble upon some emotions”, my fists clenched as he gave me a mocking smile, “Now let’s see how long you can keep them, let me bet, a week? No, I’m going to guess more around a day like the same amount of times you had real feelings for me”, with an aggravated scream, my hands pressed against his chest and pushed him back more. “Oh! Now don’t cry over this, I know that tears come so easily for you.”

My head started to pound and as his voice filled my head I found myself turning away from him, hands pressing against my ears. My heart had sunk down to the pit of my stomach and any bits of the good mood I was in today were completely erased. I was honestly expecting this of him, but now? He had to come ruin my perfect day? My fingers pressed into my skin as I dragged them down the side of my face, as my arms fell to my sides, I watched as Ryan just looked at me. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?” My voice cracked but there was no burning in my nose and throat.

As our eyes locked, he blinked and started to shake his head. “You are a pathetic little being”, he pointed out turning and grabbing the closest thing to him and throwing it which just so happened to be a mug filled with coffee. As it smashed against the wall I jumped and watched as his eyes locked on mine again. “You’re never going to find anyone, Jessica. You are going to die all alone with no one because you just can’t let someone in. Just get over it, Jessica.” He snapped and then turned on his heels and stormed out of the dorm.

Front door shut, my eyes quickly darted around the room. There was now a dark brown strain on the white wall in the hallway. Fragments of the ceramic mug were strewn across the floor, and there was a puddle of cold brown liquid on the carpet. With a heavy sigh I ran a hand through my hair and walked over to the kitchen and grabbed the roll of paper towel. “What did I ever do to deserve this?” I asked myself as I dropped to my hands and knees and attempted to soak up the brown liquid. “Why did I ever date him.” My eyes drifted to the ceiling as I pushed down hard on the paper towel. Sighing heavily and picking the paper up, my eyes connected to the brown stain.

Sighing heavily my fingers found the biggest piece of the mug and then started to grab the other pieces and out them away in that one. After all of them were picked up, down to the smallest sliver, I stood up and walked the pieces over to the sink where I carefully set them down and then threw all of the wet paper towels out.

“Ahh, I can just sleep”, I sang as my feet brought me away from the dark kitchen and down the hall to my bedroom. Shutting the door behind me in case my roommate decided to actually come back home, I waltzed over to my dresser and quickly pulled out a pair of pajama pants and a baggy tee-shirt. Walking over to my bed I let my body drop into the cold sheets. Moving so my head was on my pillow, I reached down to the foot of the bed and pulled the sheets over my head leaving a small window to let in some air. After that, I managed to block all of my buzzing thoughts, shut my eyes, and drifted off to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Every single piece of clothing that I had in my dresser and closet was packed tightly into the two suitcases I had sitting on the bottom of my closet. Both suitcases were over packed, and as I glanced around at all of the other things I had to bring, curling iron, hair straightener, blow dryer, hair products, face washes, and all of those other girly things, I had no where to put them and there was absolutely no way I was heading into a three month period without them.

Mind hitting overdrive, my feet brought me into the kitchen where I opened up a drawer and pulled out a huge plastic bag from Express. Straightening it out, I examined the size and then smiled. Silently thanking myself for coming into money from a lot of tips in my old waitressing job and going on a huge shopping spree, I walked back into my room and quickly put all of the beauty products into the bag. Making sure I could still put my hand through the handles, my hands set the bag back down on the bed as a smile appeared on my face.

The strategy to get out of the dorm building was simple. Each bag would be brought down and put into my car alone. First it was the biggest suitcase. Then as spend some time in my dorm, maybe five minutes, then I would bring out the next suitcase and spend another five minutes checking some things on my laptop and such. After that, I would put my laptop, cell phone, Ipod and all of the wires having to do with them into my purse, grab the last bag, and lock up the dorm. Once all of that was in my car, I would drive off to MSG, park, go into the building, have another adventurous day of learning what to do and helping some players, and then after that I would follow Brian back to his place and not have to deal with worksheets, long classes, dissecting frogs, and psycho ex-boyfriends for three whole months.

My plan was going well. All of my suitcases were in the trunk of my car, and I was down to the last step, getting myself out of the dorm, down the elevator and out to my car with my Express bag and purse. Instead of rushing out of the dorm, my eyes scanned over almost everything there; the table and chair, the old couches and the new stain on the wall, all of it made my stomach twist with anger and anticipation. Anger because almost all of it reminded me of Ryan anticipation because I knew in about five hours I would be standing in a beautiful loft apartment in the middle of Manhattan.

Glancing at the clock, my eyes read over the numbers. It was eleven o’clock which meant that I had one hour to get myself to MSG, practice started at twelve and I was supposed to be there prior to practice, but with all of the last minute packing due to my comatose sleep and bad mood, I would just tell them the traffic got the best of me and try to end the conversation there.

Sucking in a deep breath, my feet brought me to the front door. Bags in hand, I walked out and shut it behind me. After making sure it was locked, my eyes connected with the carpet and my body quickly moved through all of the people down the hall. I didn’t know many people in the dorm, but with my luck the ones I did know would be out today, and although major bragging rights came with the new ‘job’, I had no urge to tell people about what I was doing.

So far, the day was reminding me of yesterday. The sun was warm but there was a cool breeze, I had managed to dodge all questions about my suitcases and bags. No one asked a single question about my ‘Athletic Staff’ sweatshirt and as I finished shoving the bag into the tiny trunk of my car, I got in and looked down at the steering wheel, a sick smile twisting it’s way onto my lips. I was home free, no one noticed my leaving, and now all I had to do was go spend a lovely four hours doing what I loved.

Key in the ignition, I turned it and listened to the whine of the engine. Heart racing, I turned the key again and again, listening to the whine of the engine and praying that the next time I turned the key the engine would whine, then start up. After four more turns of the key, I let out a glass-shattering scream and slammed my open palms against the steering wheel.

I waited five minutes, letting my nerves calm and then turned the key again. When the engine whined again, I pulled my key out and placed my forehead against the cold steering wheel. Eyes shut, I let all the possibilities as to what I could do run through my head. Call Brian? I didn’t have his number. Call Michael? Still didn’t have his number. Get a jump from someone? What college student would have jumper cables in their car, Moron. Call the athletic Department and tell them I’m going to have to walk myself there? Was I really going to walk fifteen blocks in the cold with just my polo, sweatshirt, skinny jeans, and moccasins? Call the Athletic Department, ask for Brian and explain the situation. Ding, ding, ding!

Digging into my bag, I grabbed my cell phone and the folded up papers I had from yesterday’s envelope. Unlocking the screen on my phone, I quickly shuffled through some papers, and then found the phone number. Quickly punching it into my phone and I pressed ‘Send’ and waited through three rings until Jim’s voice rang through the other end.

“Jim?” I asked quickly, forehead picking up from the steering wheel. “It’s Jessica. My car won’t start.” I blurted out not really sure why I decided to tell my predicament to him, he really couldn’t do anything.

“Oh! So you’re going to be late?”

“Yeah, but can I talk to Brian if he’s not busy or anything?” I shut my eyes and crossed the fingers on my left hand as the silence filled the other end of the phone, but after a few seconds he told me to hold a minute with his cheery voice and sure enough a minute later Brian’s laugh came through the line.

Once his laughing was over, he sighed heavily. “You’re fancy little car won’t start?” He mocked, balling my left hand into a fist, I could just picture the stupid smile on his face.

“Could you come pick me up?” I practically begged, as my left hand opened and started pounding against the steering wheel.

“Sure, on one condition”, my left hand rose to my forehead. “Say my car is the best, sexiest car in the whole entire world, like its driver, and you love Michael Del Zotto with your whole entire heart”, a loud scream came through behind Brian’s laugh and soon after the screaming stopped there was a loud thud and a groan. “I’m waiting?” Brian called into the phone followed by some static which was a sure indicator that I was on speaker.

Slamming my hand against the steering wheel again, I felt blood rush to my cheeks. “Brina just come pick me up, what are you four!”, I barked through the phone.

“Ah, ah, ah, you wouldn’t want your boss to hear your horrible temper, would you?”

“Brian!”

“Say it!” he screamed back at me.

“No!” I screamed back.

“Say it!” He screamed back louder. With an aggravated scream, I caved.

“Your car is the best, sexiest car in the whole entire world, just like it’s driver and I love Michael Del Zotto with my whole heart!” I screamed into the phone quickly and held the phone away from my ear as Brian’s hysterical laughter rang through the other end. The blood in my cheeks started to boil again as I heard Michael’s voice come through the phone as he informed Brian he was a “complete dick”. After that, I felt the butterflies awaken in my stomach and I pressed my forehead back against the steering wheel ion embarrassment.

“Now was that so hard?” I was off speaker, “I’ll be there in ten, West dorms right?” after a small yes we hung up and I threw the phone into the seat next to me. Shutting my eyes, there was still heat coming off of my cheeks, and as I tried to tell myself it wasn’t that big of a deal, the butterflies in my stomach made it seem like quite a huge deal. I just said I love you to him over the phone, the words held absolutely no meaning.

But if they did hold no meaning, why did I get these butterflies when the phrase ‘I love you’ slipped past my lips?