Find Your Way

On the day of the draft the last thing John Tavares expected to be feeling was loneliness. In a crowded room full of fans, NHL execs, his family and even a few friends, John couldn't have felt anymore lonely if he wanted to. And it was all because she wasn't sitting beside him with her fingers laced tightly with his.

She was the one that made him make a choice, she forced him into the position of choosing between hockey and having her in his life, and he made the right one, didn't he? As he sat face forward staring down at the stage, John wasn't so sure. After all, wasn't she the one that pulled him out of that rut during the summer session? Of course she was because despite being selfish and clingy and needy she was also supportive.

That's why she took the breakup so well. She was perfect like that; she knew just what to say and when to say it and when to remain silent. As John sat in his seat, his leg bouncing up and down with nervousness, he couldn't help but feel disgusted with himself.

How could he ever even think that he wanted to start this journey fresh and without Parker? Beside him, John's mother rubbed her son's hand in attempt to calm his nerves. She knew just by looking at him that he missed the girl he just broke it off with. It's the motherly way, after all, but she hated to see her usually calm little boy all worked up over a girl.

Barbara Tavares was never one to judge before knowing, but maybe, just maybe this girl deserved it. She trusted her son's judgment wholeheartedly, after all. And if she was lucky, maybe, just maybe, it'd be that same girl he was dating his second year of junior hockey.

“After the draft, go get her John,” Barb whispered so only her son could hear. And with his mother's blessing, John knew exactly what he was going to do; he just hoped that Parker would be watching the draft.



“Are you going to watch the draft, Parker?” The soft and soothing voice of my father startled me. I tore my eyes away from the sliding door window and glanced in his direction.

I shrugged and ran a hand through my light brown hair. “Why? Did you want to watch it?”

“I was going to if you were going to have it on,” he nodded before turning around and heading back into the kitchen.

Watching the draft would mean a lot of pain but seeing my exboyfriend would be worth it. It's been three months – almost to the day – since our breakup and I've realized a few things since then. I'm too proud and stubborn for my own good; letting go of the most amazing guy because he more or less chose hockey over me? It was stupid, for one thing, and selfish for another.

That's his first love and something I supported for our first couple of years together but when he got traded away from me... I just sort of lost it. Especially knowing that girls were probably hurling themselves at him, just like they did when he was standing right next to me with our fingers laced together.

While John might have loved me, he is after all not only a guy, but human. Resisting temptation like that isn't easy, no matter what the circumstances are. It's something that I can think about now with ease though because I remember the first day we met and I'm suddenly just a little less concerned with him finding some other girl.

“Just come on and meet the kid that's going to be living with me, its fine!”

It was a simple enough request, but it really didn't seem fine. Her billet wasn't just an ordinary player; he was hyped to East Oshkosh and back. The word from everyone was that it was Mr. Hockey himself, and no, obviously not Gordie Howe, but instead, John Tavares. Or the new Sidney Crosby, the superstar sensation that was going to bring glory back to Canada; as if it ever left.

“Parker, get in here,” my best friend Riley called from somewhere inside her house. With a slight roll of my eyes, I pulled open the screen door and headed in to see what all the fuss was about.

As soon as my bare feet touched the hardwood floor of her living room, my breath was gone. The boy standing before me wasn't just some hockey wunderkind, but a beautiful specimen. His brown hair was slightly disheveled in that perfect 'I-don't-care-about-it' look, his hazel eyes were sparkling and the light blue t-shirt he was wearing did nothing but show off his toned physique.

“Parky, meet John Tavares, John, this is my best friend Parker DeLuca,” Riley introduced us with a knowing smirk.

“Hey,” John smiled and attempted to wink but failed as I could only assume something assaulted his eye. A small snort escaped my lips which soon turned into full blown laughter. His attempt at being suave was salted by a speck of the unknown. But surprisingly, his attempt at showing some 'game' didn't lower his attractiveness like it did for most guys.

“You're never going to live that one down,” Riley laughed. I smirked knowing that was so true.

Our first meeting was anything but perfect. He failed at being smooth and sweet and I laughed at him for that. But with John, as I learned very quickly, everything is perfect nine times out of ten and when it isn't that one time, he works at it until it is.

That was made evident the second time we met.

”John's birthday was yesterday.”

Riley stared at me expectantly, her eyes studying me intently. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared back at her. “Your point is what?”

“I think you should wish him a happy birthday tonight when he gets back.”

I rolled my eyes at my best friend and ran a hand through my hair. “Yeah, okay, let me get right on that,” I replied sarcastically before flopping down on her bed. “What's your deal with forcing me on John?”

My best friend took a seat on her bed right next to me. “I think you guys would be good for each other,” she replied seriously.

I snorted. “Yeah, okay because you know John so well and everything.”

“Don't you trust me as your best friend? I just have a feeling about it is all.”

“Ry, we just started high school like, three weeks ago. There are plenty of hot guys there, why do I need John Tavares?”

Riley cocked an eyebrow and ran a hand through her sandy blonde hair. She shrugged and fell back against the bed beside me. “I just think you guys would be good together.”

The sound of a large bag hitting the floor startled me. Riley and I both sat up and glanced at the doorway. “Who would be good together?” John grinned and ran a hand through his wet hair.

“Nobody,” Riley laughed as I mumbled “nosy.”

“Oh alright,” he sighed and lifted his bag again. “Hey Parker.”

I glanced up at him once my name came out of his mouth. He smiled at me before successfully winking at me. Butterflies erupted all over my body as I fell back against the bed. The boy is good.

I never did wish John a happy birthday that second time we met. In all honesty I was too busy trying to avoid him for the short while after that. Being around him made me feel funny; like something out of a fairytale and I hated that at first. 'Love is for suckers' is what I would tell Riley when she insisted it was indeed love. After being around my dysfunctional family, I couldn't believe in that.

Not even John Tavares could change my view on love. Or so I thought; it didn't take very long for him to prove me wrong. It doesn't take him very long to prove any doubters wrong where he's concerned but I love that about him. It's just one of the many JT charms.

It took John five and a half months to prove me wrong from the moment he first asked me out. Riley considered this a miracle, she also paraded around claiming she was a psychic and should challenge Miss Cleo for her job. John always wondered what was wrong with her because he didn't understand that the second time we met and he asked about who was good together Riley was talking about us.

I never told him. I was always thinking about the cute little things he did for me or how he was always randomly winking at me. It became our thing, sort of. At first he would just wink at me whenever we saw each other but then I began winking back mostly as a joke but then it turned into so much more than that.

General Motors Centre seemed more packed than usual as Riley and I filed inside behind a group of kids from our high school. We made our way through the arena before taking our seats on the glass, a little to the left behind the net the Generals would be shooting at twice.

“Are you excited to see John play?” Riley asked, her voice quiet so we wouldn't be overheard. I leaned in a little bit and shook my head no.

“I've seen him play a bunch of times, why would tonight be any different?”

Riley shrugged as the lights dimmed and the announcer declared that the Generals were coming out. Unfortunately for me, their entrance was at the other end of the ice so I didn't get to see John skate out. My stomach tied itself in knots as the puck was dropped. Even though we've only been together for a few months, seeing him play is a little nerve wracking. Hockey can be dangerous at times and players get hurt. I can't help but worry for him sometimes.

The first two periods passed without a hitch and ended in a 0-0 tie with the Peterborough Petes. Two minutes into the third the Generals opened the scoring with John potting one top shelf, stick side. In his celebration he skated by Riley and I and threw a wink my way.

Not long after, the wink became somewhat of a staple in our relationship. It wasn't overused, but just whenever John would randomly catch my eye or I his, we'd wink at each other and smile. I always wondered why it got so big with us but I could never ask him. At least not until he was getting ready to leave to go back to Oakville for the summer.

”I might not be staying with Riley's family again next season,” John told me softly as we waited for his parents to pick him up. His thumb brushed over mine gently while he stared into space.

I bit my lip and nodded as the soft spring breeze whipped my hair around. “You'll still be in Oshawa though, right?”

My boyfriend laughed and squeezed my hand. “Unless the Generals trade me, yeah I'll be here.”

I rested my head on John's shoulder and glanced down at our entwined fingers. “Why do we always wink at each other?”

“That's our thing?” John answered, his voice uncertain.

“Yeah but I always feel like it's more than that.”

“That's because it is for me,” he admitted and squeezed my hand again.

I gnawed at the inside of my cheek as I stared at the trees rustling in the wind. “What is it for you?” I asked quietly, unsure if I really wanted the answer.

“When I wink at you, I'm telling you I love you.”

After that summer apart nothing was ever the same. I missed him more and more every day. My older sister told me I was crazy and that it was just a little high school romance and that it would never last. I was determined to prove her wrong but as the days wore on and John and I didn't text or talk on the phone as much as we did when he was here, I couldn't help but wonder if she was right.

When John was in Oshawa during his first season, we were talking almost every night whether it was texting or a phone conversation. If he didn't have a game it was almost always a phone call which could last for a couple of hours but if he did have a game that night it was mostly texting. The summer after that first season we didn't talk much at all at night.

There were random texts, sometimes he'd text me with a simple ;) which was always adorable but other times it'd just be a quick conversation of hey, what's up? Riley told me not to lose faith in him and that he was probably just busy working out or something like that. Of course I listened to her but it was hard. I just didn't realize at the time that harder things were in my future, like when he actually got traded away from the Generals.

When John got back I couldn't have been happier but it was also the start of sophomore year. That meant more work and a crazier schedule but on John's birthday, I got to meet his parents.

“They'll love you. They kept asking about you all summer, Parker.”

“And what if they don't? What if they hate me?” I panicked, my calm facade completely breaking.

Meeting John's parents was a big step. They were important to him and if I mess up with them it could spell out the end of our relationship.

“Then they'll have to get used to you because I don't think I can do this without you,” he told me calmly, his voice husky and soothing.

Butterflies danced in my stomach, their wings tickling me all over. I wrapped my arms around his neck and threaded my fingers through his hair as I caught his lips for a kiss.

“I love you,” he whispered so quietly against my lips that I felt it.

“I love you too,” I mumbled as I pulled away from him.

John's parents were staring at us, content smiles on their faces. I could feel heat crawling up the back of my neck as embarrassment took a hold on my body.

“Mom, dad, this is my girlfriend, Parker. Parker, these are my parents,” John introduced us.

John's mom smiled at me before wrapping me up in a hug. “It's so nice to finally meet you. We've heard so much about you,” she admitted before pulling away from the embrace. “Please, call me Barbara.”

“Nice to meet you,” I smiled before shaking hands with his dad.

“Call me Joe,” he told me gently, a small smile resting on his lips. “You didn't do her any justice, son.”

I laughed as John turned bright pink. He shook his head before lacing our fingers together and guiding us into the restaurant.

Meeting his parents went better than I expected but after that one meeting I barely saw them. They were at a few games here and there and we said hello in passing but other than that it was like they didn't exist. But John and I grew closer still. He stole my heart away and it was pretty clear I wasn't getting it back. That much was evident a few days after our one year anniversary.

“You're going down,” I laughed as Phil Kessel scored for me in NHL '07.

John laughed and elbowed me as if that would defer me from my 9-2 lead. “You were practicing while I was gone on that last trip, weren't you?”

The truth was that I did practice, that I played the game a thousand times over with Riley's cousin Sean but I couldn't mention that. John already didn't like the guy and I wasn't sure our relationship could take a jealousy hit.

“Maybe,” I laughed as the horn for the end of the third period sounded. I started to set up a new game but John cut me off. He took the controller out of my hands and placed it on the table before pulling me to his chest.

“Have I told you that I love you lately?” He murmured, his lips pressed lightly against my temple. “I missed you last week.”

A shiver twirled up my spine as I captured his lips with mine. “I missed you too.”

John pulled back from our embrace. He smiled at me before leaning back and digging around in the front pocket of his shorts. His brown eyes were bright as he took my left hand and slipped what looked like a toy ring from a vending machine on my ring finger. My heart flip flopped in my chest as he pulled my hand to his lips and kissed my palm lightly.

“I love you and I'll get you a real one someday. After I sign my first NHL contract,” he promised before closing the space between us once again.

I've only taken that ring off one time and even now, even though we're broken up, I still have it on my finger. The only time it has ever been elsewhere is when both John and I messed up resulting in me going stag to the winter formal of '07.

“When's the dance again?” John murmured, his lips grazing the shell of my ear.

“Thursday,” I murmured back as I thumbed through the dresses in my closet.

My boyfriend froze behind me, his arms stiff around my midsection.

“Something wrong?” I questioned as I squirmed in John's embrace so I could face him.

John's mouth twisted into a frown as his arms slid away from around me. “Do you still follow the Generals?”

“Of course I do,” I assured him. “Why wouldn't I?”

“I have a game on Thursday.”

“Oh.”

My heart kicked into overdrive as John took a seat at my desk. He never told me he had a game when we first set up that we'd go to the formal together.

“You never told me you had a game,” I told him quietly, refusing to succumb to my annoyance with him.

John's head snapped up, his eyes ablaze as if to say 'how dare you'. “You never told me the date and you used to know my schedule backwards and forwards.”

“So this is my fault?” I snapped before I could stop myself.

“Why wouldn't it be? You're the one that wants to go to the stupid dance.”

I could feel tears coming as I stared back at my idiot boyfriend. “Whatever John. I'll see you later.”

“Parke-”

“Don't. Just leave me alone.”

After I heard the door to my bedroom shut I let my tears fall freely. We were supposed to go to the dance together, it was part of the whole high school experience and John was messing that up. Hockey is more important and I get that but he never should have agreed to go if he was just going to back out at the last minute.

He called it stupid, too. If he just let me know he felt like that maybe things would be different, maybe I wouldn't be so upset. But that's probably not true because every time I miss one of the schools major social events or somebody's party because my boyfriend is too busy with hockey the more the girls talk. And when they talk they just assume that John doesn't care enough to be there for me and then they assume that they can get a chance with him.

Being the girlfriend of a superstar in a small town is hard.



“You're not going to go to the game and support him?”

“Riley! Just whose side are you on?” I snapped at my best friend as I fixed my hair.

My best friend stared at me through the mirror, her eyes disapproving and arms folded across her chest. “Have you even talked to him? 'Cause I know he's tried to talk to you.”

“Nope,” I sighed as I rummaged through my jewelry box. My fingers trailed over the ring John had given me not even two weeks before our fight. I shoved it aside and pulled out a pair of dangling earrings.

“You're going to regret that,” she mumbled, obviously annoyed with me. “I'll wait for you downstairs.”

Somehow, I knew she was right on some level but I couldn't bring myself to worry about it. I put the finishing touches on my makeup and hair before following her down the stairs. After a few pictures we drove to the dance in her car. Awkward silence surrounded us the whole way there and as soon as we arrived she ditched me for her boyfriend.

I couldn't really blame her. Ever since my fight with John I'd been a brat to everyone. I turned down all of his attempts at talking and every time Riley tried to talk to me about it we just ended up arguing.

The cafeteria was already packed by the time I made it inside. Red, gold and a cream color was splattered everywhere over the usually blue walls. Balloon centerpieces stood on every table with red and gold streamers hanging from the ceiling. I fought the urge to tell the dance committee that the money they used to decorate would have been better spent elsewhere.

Even though I knew he wasn't around, I found myself glancing around the crowd in search of John. My eyes trailed over all of the couples either holding hands at a table or dancing as though they were one and I found my stomach knotting up with regret. I didn't realize that being at the dance without him would make me so upset, so lonely.

“Parker?”

“Andy?” I squealed, my arms wrapping around one of my closest friends neck.

“Nice to see you too,” he laughed as we pulled apart. He brushed his shaggy brown hair out of his eyes and looked me up and down. “All dressed up and no boyfriend in sight, huh?”

“He's got a game tonight,” I stated with a fake smile. “What about you? Where's Dominique?”

Andy laughed and gestured to the closest empty table. “Dominique and I broke up months ago. But I guess you wouldn't know that since you've been busy with Captain Awesome.”

The sarcasm and hurt in his voice pained me. When John and I first started dating everyone else admittedly fell by the way side. It was never my intention... it just sort of happened save for Riley, her boyfriend, and a few other girls. Andy was a different story. He never liked John.

“You never liked him,” I reminded him softly, half wondering why I was even defending a guy that didn't want to be with me at the dance.

“You're really going to defend a guy who isn't even here to see how great you look? I just always thought you deserved better than him. He's not going to be able to give you the time and attention you need when he makes it to the NHL, Parker.”

The harsh reality of his words struck an odd cord in me. I knew he was right but I tried to not think about that. If I didn't then it didn't seem so real and John and I could live in our little bubble but if I'm being honest with myself then Andy is right. And that's not fair to either of us but you have to make sacrifices for the one you love.

“As much as I love the attention, I can handle it. If I can deal with every single girl throwing themselves at him and him staying faithful to me, I think I can make it by with only seeing him a few times a year,” I stated confidently.

Andy shook his head and moved his hair out of his eyes again. “I don't think you can, Parks. I don't even think he'll stay faithful.”

I sighed and moved my own hair out of my eyes. “You don't know him, alright?”

“Why do you keep defending him? Just tell me why you looked so sad when you came in. Riley told me there was trouble in paradise.”

I moved to rotate the ring John had given me with my thumb only to realize in my anger I had taken it off. My stomach knotted up and I felt like crying as I stared at the table. Riley's words echoed in my head,you're going to regret that.

“We got in a fight about the dance. I didn't tell him when it was and he didn't realize he had a game tonight so he had to back out and then... he just called it stupid which hurt because it felt like he didn't want to come to begin with,” I confessed softly as I continued to pretend my ring was on my finger, my thumb stroking the area it would be repeatedly.

Andy sat back in his chair and frowned. “I wasn't expecting that, exactly,” he admitted. “Listen, I'm just looking out for you. I know you think you love him and everything but Derrick plays hockey... I've seen how he is with girls and he's not even close to being on John's level of play.”

I shook my head. “You don't know him, Andy. You guys are in different circles. How would you like it if I went around telling everyone that you're a heartbreaker just cause you're in a band?”

“That's different,” he started before letting out a loud sigh. Before he could continue his phone beeped obnoxiously. I rolled my eyes and crossed my legs as he read his texts. “Looks like your boyfriend had a big night without you.”

My heart lodged itself in my throat. “What are you talking about?”

“There are five minutes left in the game, Generals are up 9-6 over the Spits. John has 6 points.”

“Oh.”

“Come on, let's dance.”

I followed Andy to the dance floor even though it didn't feel right. But dancing with a good friend when your boyfriend isn't around is acceptable, I reminded myself as we stepped onto the floor. Andy's hands found my hips and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I locked my fingers together loosely and smiled at him as we swayed together to an upbeat song.

A million songs seemed to pass as Andy and I swayed together in the middle of the dance floor. It was oddly comforting, dancing with one of my closest friends. Even so, a part of me felt guilty, as if the simple action of dancing with him was cheating. We were pressed flush against one another but it didn't feel like he wanted more and I didn't, so why did I feel so guilty?

Just a few seconds into Fix You by Coldplay, Andy whispered the last thing I thought I'd ever hear.

“Your boyfriend's here,” he whispered as he moved us in a circle so I could see behind him.

John was standing just inside the door with a smile on his face, his eyes darting around the room. He looked amazing in his suit -sans tie- and disheveled post-game hair. I found his eyes after a moment and his smile quickly faded. People started walking up to my boyfriend as Andy and I continued to sway back and forth. I adverted my eyes and tightened my grip on him as we moved in a circle again so I wouldn't have to see John.

“You'd think he was some big hot shot hockey player or something,” he whispered, his breath tickling my cheek.

I laughed as I heard someone clear their throat. “Can I cut in?” John stared between Andy and me, his eyes full of hurt. Andy glanced at me for approval and I nodded, my stomach flip flopping as he and John switched places.

I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his neck as his arms circled around me. We swayed together in silence save for the song echoing through the cafeteria, clinging to each other as though it was our last day on Earth. Something about John's embrace made me feel safe and with each passing second I could feel my anger, frustration and doubt washing away.

The DJ announced it was the last song of the evening as You and Me by Lifehouse began to play. I pressed a soft kiss to John's neck as we continued to sway slowly. The cafeteria slowly started emptying, the singles or groups leaving together leaving only couples dancing on the floor.

“And it's you and me and all other people and I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you. All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right, I'm tripping on words, you've got my head spinning. I don't know where to go from here,” John whispered, his lips pressed against my ear. Chills covered my body as he pressed a soft kiss against my cheek before continuing with the song.

“There's something about you now, I can't quite figure out. Everything she does is beautiful, everything she does is right,” he sang along softly, his eyes locking with mine.

I couldn't help but wonder if he planned this, if he set it up so he could do that.

“I love you,” we both announced at the same time the song ended. We both laughed as we pulled apart and he grabbed my hand.

John stopped walking and I froze. His eyes darted between my hand and my eyes, a questioning yet hurt look in his eyes. I opened my mouth to explain but nothing came out. I closed it and opened it again with no words coming to me.

“I'm sorry,” I managed finally. “It hurt that you didn't really seem to want to come to night and I know I was unfair but I was just upset so I left it in my jewelry box.”

John sighed softly before cupping my cheek with his hand. His thumb trailed along my lips before he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. “I'm sorry too. I overreacted,” he admitted sheepishly. “I love you, Parker. I just don't want to lose you.”

“You won't,” I promised as he leaned down and kissed me again.

After that dance I put the ring back on and I haven't taken it off since. Seeing it every day is a reminder that it was real and I didn't dream it all up. It's a constant reminder that while we're broken up, we're not really over. We left things open ended and while I did sort of give him a choice and he chose hockey, I couldn't hold that against him. And though I didn't really have the realization until a few months ago, I always knew that hockey would eventually come between us.

That much was evident when John broke the OHL's scoring record -previously held by Wayne freakin' Gretzky!- during the 06-07 season. He scored 134 points as one of the youngest guys in the league. When I almost didn't make the OHL awards dinner, that's when I knew hockey was eventually going to come between us. After the dance Andy and I became pretty good friends again, almost like he never left my life, and he had his first real gig with his band that night.

Before I even knew about John's dinner, I said I'd be there for Andy to cheer him on. That turned out to be a big mistake. When I told him about my plans John got jealous and a little distant. After the dance -we never did talk about how I spent the night with Andy- he started to be a little more jealous when other guys were near, especially Andy. But love trumped friendship that night and I didn't go to his gig, I went to the dinner with my boyfriend.

Being there and seeing how everyone fawned all over him and called him “the next one” I knew that we wouldn't be able to survive forever. I believed in our love and I was the eternal optimist but hockey was a bigger deal. It was everything to him, you could just see that by the way his eyes lit up every time he stepped on the ice. Riley once told me his eyes lit up the same way whenever I was around but I never saw that – go figure.

After that awards night, John left for the summer. But unlike our first summer apart we were in constant contact whether it be text, e-mail, IM or phone call, we were inseparable to the point where Riley freaked out on me.

“You have him so whipped,” my best friend laughed as she lifted herself out of my pool. I glanced down at my phone and laughed.

“What are you talking about? John is not whipped,” I told her as I replied to my boyfriend's text.

I love you, I typed back and quickly hit send.

“Yeah? Then what are you guys texting about right now? An I love you more fight?”

Before I could say anything to her my phone vibrated. I love you more. Butterflies attacked my stomach as I stared at the text. I wanted so badly to hear his voice but I couldn't call; I knew he was taking a break from his work out for a few minutes but that wasn't enough time for an actual phone call.

“Um, no,” I lied as I opened up a new text to reply.

No way. I love you more ;)

Riley ripped my phone from my hands before I could hit send. “Liar,” she sighed. “You and lover boy are sickening and he is so whipped. You could tell him to jump off a cliff and he would.”

I shook my head as she tossed my phone back at me. I quickly pressed send and dropped my phone onto the table between our lounge chairs. “He is not,” I stated firmly. “John can do whatever he wants.”

My phone vibrated but before I could grab it Riley did first. “Yeah, he's not whipped at all,” she rolled her eyes and tossed my phone into my lap again.

Not possible. I'll call you later beautiful.

I smiled to myself and closed my phone. “That's not whipped, dumbass. Just because Tyler doesn't text you with such things doesn't mean you need to attack John.”

My best friend rolled her eyes before diving back into the pool. “He's going to break your heart someday when he gets sick of being whipped.”

“John is not whipped!”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Riley laughed.

He really wasn't whipped. I didn't control him and he spent plenty of time with the guys when I wasn't around. Riley was just jealous that her boyfriend wasn't as cute as mine. As much as she said it was sickening and she hated what we had I saw right through it.

That summer seemed to fly by after that and before I knew it John was back in Oshawa. He was once again staying with Riley. But I didn't get to stay over there much anymore. After her parents found out we were dating they didn't much want me to spend the night at her place 'just in case'. John never tried anything when I did spend the night. We never even saw each other whenever I spent the night at her house.

That didn't happen until John got back from his first World Junior Championship appearance with team Canada in 2008.

I'll be back in Oshawa in twenty minutes John's text read. I smiled to myself as I flopped back on my bed.

A part of me wanted to tell him via text that I decided I was ready. I knew he was, but every time we even got close to going there he'd stop it. He wanted to make sure that I was ready and he said he'd wait for as long as I wanted. It really just made me love him more but after two years of being together, a handful of almosts and his amazing performance at the World Juniors I knew I was ready.

You're coming here after you drop your stuff @ Riley's, right? I texted back after a moment.

John's reply came less than a second later. Yeah, I'll see you soon. I love you.

My stomach jumped as butterflies exploded all over my body. Even after two years John had the ability to drive my nerves crazy. Even with things he said every day, like I love you. He still sent my heart into overdrive and butterflies dancing all over me. Whenever I told Riley about that she just got all skeptical.

The minutes leading up to the doorbell ringing throughout the house seemed to take eight times as long to pass. When it finally rang I nearly fell off of my bed with excitement. I forced myself to calmly walk down the stairs to greet John. Once I finally reached the door I managed to take a deep breath and open the door gently instead of flinging it open like I wanted to.

John stood there smiling clad in his Team Canada get-up of black sweatpants and a red sweatshirt complete with his gold medal around his neck. “Hey!” I breathed as I wrapped my arms around him. “I missed you so much! How was the Czech Republic? You played amazingly.”

“Are you okay?” He laughed as we pulled apart and he entered the house. I nodded as I shut the door behind him.

Truth was that my nerves were going crazy. Questions were flooding my mind about whether or not I was going to do the right thing or whether or not he would want to. I always wondered if he wanted to wait for my benefit or he just wasn't sexually attracted to me.

“I'm fine,” I lied. “I just missed you.”

“I missed you too. You were all I could think about on the flight home,” he told me quietly as his arms circled my waist and pulled me close.

I laughed softly as the space between us disappeared and John's lips found mine. Before the kiss could get too deep he pulled away and smiled at me. Wordlessly, he pulled his arms away from me before taking off his gold medal. He quickly slipped it around my neck before pulling me closer once again.

“I love you,” I told him before our lips met in the middle.

My eyes fluttered shut as he put more pressure on my lips. My fingers wove through his hair as he trailed his tongue along my bottom lip. I let him in and our tongues danced together to a beautiful beat only we knew.

“Come on,” I murmured as I tugged his hand towards the stairs. “I'm ready.”

John's eyebrows shot up as he stared at me questioningly. “Are you sure?”

“I've never been more sure of anything,” I assured him before pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “Now let's go,” I whined and we both scrambled up the stairs.

As awkward as our first time was it was also amazing. It was like we were learning this whole new thing together and that just made us all that much closer. I didn't regret it then and I don't now because unlike everyone else our age it wasn't just sex, it was love. And as much as Riley or anybody else wants to dispute that, it's not true.

And I quickly realized during the summer following the 07-08 season that not everyone was going to support our relationship and a lot of people were going to say we wouldn't last. At first I'd get defensive but then I let it go because I knew they were wrong. At least, I thought they were. But the beginning of that season should have been red flag number one that they weren't.

When John came back from Oakville everything was different. There were rumors flying around that the Generals would trade him because they weren't going to be serious contenders and more girls than usual were flocking to him. It put serious stress on our relationship at first but he continued to tell me that everything was okay and I eventually believed him.

After all, it was me who he was spending all of his time with and me who he called every night before bed. But even so, I couldn't help but feel a little insecure. John had his pick of any girl, single or taken, in Oshawa but he was staying with me. I always wondered if it was just because of routine convenience or if he really did love me. Just being around all of those other girls who always seemed to be so much prettier than me or so much more athletic or smarter or whatever... it was wearing especially when they had no problem attacking him when I was right there.

And he almost encouraged it. He'd politely say that he was taken and he was flattered but he never flat out told them to fuck off or anything like that. But John's too nice of a guy to do that regardless. He never even realized how much it actually bothered me until I finally snapped after one of his games. We were getting ready to leave when a swarm of puck bunny-like girls swooped in on us asking him all of these questions and making comments; stupid things like are you single or John you can put it in my five hole. It all became too much for me so I finally spoke up.

“Call me,” a pretty brunette said with a smile as she tried to hand John a piece of paper. He made no motion to take it and instead squeezed my hand. She frowned before placing it into the front pocket of his suit jacket.

The girls barely looked at me as they tried to talk to John. He always smiled politely and nodded to whatever they said but never really said anything past a few words. But it was starting to wear me down. I hated watching my boyfriend get hit on right in front of me.

“Enough,” I practically yelled. They all stopped talking and finally turned their gazes to me. Even John was looking at me and I expected to see him frowning but he was smiling me, encouraging me even. “Listen, John's flattered and all but in case you're blind, he's taken. Sorry ladies but I'm not going to give him up so you're wasting your breath.”

A few of the girls opened their mouths to speak but John backed me up. “I'm in love with my girlfriend, sorry.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the paper the pretty brunette had given him. He handed it back to her before tugging me out of the arena.

Once we were outside John pressed me up against the nearest wall and attacked me with his lips. I giggled as my arms wrapped around his neck and my fingers threaded through his hair. “The way you took charge was so hot,” he mumbled against my mouth as his fingers crawled under the sweatshirt I stole from him and danced along my bare skin.

“Shut up and kiss me,” I mumbled back as he trailed his tongue along my bottom lip and deepened our kiss.

Not long after that John found out he was selected for the 2009 World Junior team. This time however, he invited me to come along. His parents couldn't make it for some reason or another, only his uncle was going to be there to support him. Surprisingly my parents said okay and I drove out to Ottawa.

It was weird, being around John's team where I knew nobody. Some of the other guys had their girlfriends around but much like John and I, they spent all of their time together. The only time I ever talked to them was during the games where we had seats together. I took comfort in the fact that they had some of the same fears I did. One of them even asked me if it was hard being John's girlfriend because of all the press he got and all of the attention from other girls and having little time because of hockey.

I admitted it was sometimes and they sympathized. It was refreshing, having people who understood how hard it was. But other than that I spent all of my time with John when he wasn't doing things with the team. I even became pretty good friends with PK Subban. He made me laugh like nobody else I've ever met. We even ganged up on John a few times just for laughs. PK wasn't too happy when he got mad at him and not me.

But after the World Juniors everything was downhill from there. Even though John won gold and everything between us was great it wasn't the day after we got back from Ottawa. News spread like wildfire that the Generals had traded him and Michael Del Zotto to the London Knights for a basically, a bag of pucks and six draft picks. January 8th 2009 was easily one of the worst days of my life. Not even John's usually magical words could make it better.

“So, when do you leave?” I asked quietly in attempt to hide the fact that tears were sliding down my cheeks.

John pulled me closer and pressed a soft kiss to the back of my neck. The soft swinging motion of the porch swing in front of Riley's was oddly comforting. We were laying together, my back to his front, on the swing refusing to talk about what had just happened.

We were on our way to get dinner when John got the official call from the Generals. It took all my strength not to cry through dinner at our favorite place. I managed to hold it together through dinner and through the car ride back to Riley's but as soon as we got situated on the porch swing I started to lose it.

“Tomorrow,” he replied finally.

And with just that one word the waterfall started. I couldn't keep it together anymore and I let the tears fall. Over the past three years I've become so accustomed to seeing John every day, to walking to classes with him, to spending almost all of our mutual free time together. If he's in another city and I'm not around that means he could find someone new.

In Oshawa he's seen all the girls the city has to offer. Over in London, he hasn't. He could find some girl that means more to him, a girl that doesn't get so easily attached. Without me around and with all the girls that are bound to be attracted to him he could give into temptation.

“Parker,” he whispered, his hot breath tickling the back of my neck.

“What?” I asked between sobs.

“Look at me,” he whispered again.

I turned as best as I could and curled one leg under me and let the other drape over his. He smiled at me with sad eyes before brushing away my tears with his thumb. “I love you. London's only two and a half hours away, it's not like I got traded to Sarnia or something.”

“I know,” I sobbed. “But what if you find someone else in London?”

John laughed. “I love you,” he repeated. “I'm not going to find anyone else, I promise.”

“What if you do?”

“What if I don't? Do you not trust me?”

I sighed softly as John continued to brush away my tears before dragging his thumb over my lips. “I trust you. I'm just used to having you hear every day, I'm used to falling asleep to your voice every night and then seeing you almost right when I get up. That can't happen while you're in London.”

“Parker,” he started as he brushed the hair out of my face. “I love you more than anything. This is rough, I know, but it's like a trial run for when I make it to the Show. We can make it through this and we can make it through anything. Trust me.”

I nodded slowly. He was right but that didn't make it hurt any less.

I believed him, foolishly. He was right about one thing; if we could make it through that we could make it through anything. But we didn't. We did make it a good amount of time before everything collapsed however. Just a week after he was traded John came back to Oshawa for the CHL Top Prospects game. We spent a little time together after the game but once he was back in London things started to go south.

At first everything was fine, we would talk on the phone every night before bed like usual and we'd text periodically through the day but it was never the same. He became more distant, throwing himself into hockey to really cement himself as the first overall pick. As the days wore on he had less and less time for me. At first I told myself it was okay and that I could deal with it but I was lying to myself and that wasn't fair.

Truth is that John had become such a big part of my life that not having him there threw everything else off. It threw him off too; I became part of his superstitions and pregame ritual for home games. In London he had to make new pregame rituals and new superstitions and that was a little upsetting. But what hurt the most is that he didn't even seem to miss me. He said he did but it never felt that way.

Riley said that maybe it was just his coping technique, throwing himself into work until we could see each other again. I wanted to believe that but I knew better. Especially after the realization set in. One night in March, just before the end of the season John and I were on the phone when he fell asleep on me. It had never happened before and when it did something inside of me just snapped and realization rolled over me like waves lapping at the sand.

It was too much for him, trying to balance a long distance girlfriend and be one hundred percent devoted to hockey. So after that I hung up and texted John, asking if he had any free time the next day. When he did answer in the morning and said he was free, I told him I'd be there and we had to talk. I cried the whole two hour and forty-five minute trip.

My heart thundered in my chest as I turned off of the freeway and navigated my way to the park John told me to meet him at. As soon as I saw him my tears threatened to come back but I managed to keep them dormant. The moment I stepped out of the car John's arms were around me and he was pulling me closer.

“I missed you so much,” he mumbled into my hair as I wrapped my arms around him reluctantly. “Is everything okay?” He questioned as he pulled away from our embrace.

“No, not really. You fell asleep on me last night, you've never done that before. It made me realize some things,” I told him honestly.

“What? I got up really early, we had a morning practice and I didn't get to nap like I usually do before I call you,” he said, his voice quiet and hesitant.

“No, listen. I was thinking and I know you can't do both. You can't be a boyfriend and be a star hockey player. And I'm okay with that. I'm not going to say 'oh you have to choose' because I know hockey comes first and that's okay. I'm just letting you off the hook,” I stated as calmly as possible.

“Parker...” John started as he reached for me. I backed away and shook my head.

“No, John, I'm serious. You have to focus on hockey right now, I know that's the thing you love most and I'm okay with that like I said. We both know you don't have time for me but I'll be here when you do. If you love something, set it free, right?”

“I don't understand you at all,” John said as he ran a hand through his hair. “One slip up and you're ready to give up on us?”

“I'm not giving you up John. We both know that hockey is the more important thing here and it isn't fair of me to take your focus away from that. You falling asleep on me is just proof that you're spreading yourself too thin. You just said it yourself, you have to take naps before you call me at night. There is something wrong with that.”

“You're right. We can't be together; everything is changing and I need to focus on the game now.”

“Yeah,” I agreed even though it broke my heart. “But I'll be ready if you're ever ready for real. You're off the hook. Bye John.”

He winked at me as I backed out of the parking spot and drove away.

It hurt like hell that he didn't even protest or try and change my mind in the slightest. He did but not wholeheartedly and I haven't even heard from him since. Neither has Riley and I don't talk to PK or any of the other guys that would still be connected to John. It's too hard to even think about. But as much as it hurts, I regret it all the time now. I think about picking up the phone and sending him a text but I can't.

The only residual pain is from his lack of protest, from his lack of saying that he could do both. I drove out there not dead set in my plans, I was shaky. If he really wanted to he could have knocked me from my decision but he didn't. Being alone was fine it was thinking about the fact that he didn't love me enough to try and stop me from breaking up with him.

“It starts in five minutes,” my dad's gentle voice startled me once again. I glanced up at him before standing up and stretching my legs.

“Put it on then, I only want to see the first five picks though.”

My dad rolled his eyes before turning on TSN. As soon as it was on they started talking about the top prospects; Hedman and John. It seemed like forever before they finally shut up and Bettman started speaking about how grateful the NHL was to be in Montreal for the draft.

I fought the urge to plug my ears as he spoke a bunch of bullshit. Every time he spoke I felt as though he was pulling shit out of his ass. Once he was finally finished Garth Snow, the GM of the New York Islanders finally took the stage and also thanked Montreal for hosting.

I held my breath as he started to announce who was he was drafting. “And with the first overall pick, the New York Islanders select... John Tavares.”

My stomach did flip flops as they showed John hugging his family with one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen on his face. Butterflies attacked me as I watched him walk down to the stage. Just before he reached the stage John turned to the camera and winked. My heart practically stopped in my chest as I grabbed the remote and pressed the rewind button just to see if I was imaging things.

I wasn't. I watched three times in a row as John winked at the camera with a goofy little grin on his face. Was that for me? I wondered as I pressed the live TV button just in time to see the Avalanche pick Matt Duchene.

“Did Johnny really wink at the camera? Isn't that your thing? Did you guys get back together?”

“Dad! No, we didn't and yeah it was. I don't know what he was doing.”

“I knew it wouldn't last,” he laughed.

Is he right?

- - - - - - -

After watching John's wink just a few more times I found myself dozing off. The doorbell ringing repeatedly woke me up to a dark and quiet house. I glanced at the clock on my way to the door. 8:57.

“I'm coming, I'm coming,” I mumbled but no more bells came. Instead once I reached the door nobody was there, just a lone figure walking down my long driveway.

“Hello?” I called after them. My heart rate skyrocketed when John turned around and smiled at me.

Even in the dim lighting from my moon and streetlights I could make out his lopsided grin. I fought the urge to run to him, to wrap my arms around his neck and tell him that I wasn't ever letting go. Despite showing up at my house unannounced and only hours after the draft he wasn't going to earn me back that quickly.

Even if it really was me that should be trying to earn him back. I watched as he started back up my driveway and towards me. I left the door open and wandered back into my house in search of my phone just in case he texted me and I missed it. Once I found it I checked for messages but there was only one from Riley. Did you see that wink?!

I rolled my eyes at my phone and tossed it aside as the door shut.

“Real smart to just show up without a text or call. What if I wasn't home?” I questioned as I ran a hand through my hair.

“I wasn't thinking straight. It was a risk I was willing to take, I guess,” John offered as he inched closer to me. “Did you watch the draft?”

“Yeah, I watched it,” I nodded and flicked on the dimmest lights in the living room. “What about it?”

“What do you mean 'what about it'?”

“I mean what about it? Did you come here just to ask me if I watched the draft?”

John groaned and pulled me to him. “Did you see what I did for you? Do you remember what that means?”

I fought the urge to smile as the ever present butterflies John carries with him attacked my stomach. “Yes I did and yeah I do. Were you just trying to showboat? 'Cause I mean you should have just said something before.”

“No,” he murmured softly. His arms fell away from around me and he backed up. “When you came to London that day it freaked me out, Parker. You were slipping away from me and you had already made up your mind, I didn't know what to do. So I tried doing it without you and I couldn't. I've been playing hockey for as long as I can remember and I've always loved it but ever since we started dating...

“You've made it that much more important. And at the draft today I realized something I knew all along; I don't want to start this journey without you. I want you there with me every step of the way because this doesn't mean as much without you. I know you think I can't do both but I'm pretty sure I can love you and play the sport I love at the same time,” John stated as he knelt down on one knee.

“What are you saying?” I whispered as he pulled something out of his front pocket.

John took my left hand and stared up at me. “I'm saying that I love you and I want you with me every step of the way. I'm not asking you to move to New York or anything but just be with me, be mine. I want forever with you.”

“Get out of here, cheeseball,” I laughed as I shoved his head lightly. “Are you proposing to me? Seriously?”

“No,” John laughed, “not yet. But eventually. So what do you say?”

I laughed, “do you even have to ask? I love you.”

My boyfriend smiled at me as he slipped another ring on my left ring finger, a plain gold band that clearly came from another vending machine. “I'm still going to get you a real one when I sign that contract,” he promised as he stood up and pressed his lips to mine. “I hope you know how happy it makes me that you still wear that ring.”

“Shut up and kiss me,” I laughed against his lips as my fingers found his hair and his found my hips.

“I love you,” he laughed.

“But not as much as I love you.”