Circle Dance

Walking down the street in flip-flops that used to look like tie-dye on the soles before she had worn them so much, Noelle looked at her toes. Smiling faintly at the grains of sand that were still clinging to her skin, she then looked back up. Hearing familiar laughter, her heart tugged. Pausing on the cement walk she looked around and finally spotted who the laughter came from. Smiling faintly, she continued on, chin tucked to her chest, fingers clasping the strap of the bag that was slung over her shoulder tighter.

Hearing her name called, she mentally cursed and paused once again. Turning and waving quickly, she then turned back to the ocean she had came from and continued on. Hearing pounding feet on the cement walk behind her and picked up her steps hoping like hell the steps weren’t from someone coming after her. Letting out a gasp of almost resignation when a strong hand clasped her shoulder, she stopped. “Hey, Matt.”

“I called for you! Didn’t you hear me?” Breaths coming faster than normal but not in a way that spoke of being out of shape, Matt stared down into the blue eyes that looked at him almost warily. Taking a step back, he continued to stare at the woman in front of him. Letting his eyes sweep down her body as her fingers fiddled with the strap over her shoulder, he smiled at the flip-flops that adorned her feet. “Still have those, I see?”

“I do.” Nodding once, Noelle swallowed and looked back at the strong face before her. “I’m actually busy at the moment.”

“Took a usual beach walk?” Crossing his arms, Matt leaned back against the sun-washed building behind him heedless of the signs and wares that were displayed on the wall.

“I did, yes.” Nodding once more, Noelle looked down at the sidewalk she stood on. “Really…I’ve got to go.”

“The guys wouldn’t mind you saying hi at least.” Pushing his strong frame off the wall, Matt reached out and grasped her elbow.

“Matt…please.” Looking up at him with a plea in her blue eyes, Noelle fought against his light hold. Letting out a sigh of relief when he dropped his hand, she took a step back. “I really do have to go.”

“Why are you lying?”

“Perhaps I’m not ready for that today, did you think of that Sanders?” Words more harsh than she had intended, Noelle watched as Matt took a small step back.

“I thought we were past all of that.” Puzzled, Matt reached out and flicked one of the silver hoops that dangled from Noelle’s ear. “I mean, we all just went out last Friday and things were fine.”

“Not today, Matt.” Shaking her head, Noelle reached out on impulse and squeezed the strong forearm of the man before her, fingers lingering for the moment on the tattoos that covered the flesh she touched. “I’m just not—well, just no.”

Nodding, Matt stood to his full height and smiled. “If that’s what you want. I’ll tell the guys that you said you were busy.”
Looking over Matt’s shoulder, Noelle faintly smiled. “Johnny’s already looking as if he’s going to make a break for it here if you don’t let me go soon. Tell them I’ll join you all some other time.” Turning to go once Matt had nodded, Noelle made her way down the street.

Watching as Noelle walked away from him, hips swaying gently, blonde hair just brushing the tops of her shoulders, sunglasses on the top of her head instead of covering her eyes from the warm sun as they usually were, Matt let out a sigh. Turning around, he heard the group that he had been with let out a disappointed collective moan. Dimples flashing as he laughed and made his way towards them, he ran a hand through his hair. Hand resting on the waist high partition that cordoned a sitting area out of the wide sidewalk, he used it to brace himself as he vaulted over the white wood. Taking his seat at the corner table, he let out a sigh. “She said she had shit to do.”

“Dude, of course she did.” Rolling his eyes and shaking his head, Johnny fought to palm his face in frustration.

“Why the hell did you have to jump the fence?” Scowl on his face, Zacky looked at Matt. “Seriously; the waitress is giving you shit looks now.”

Shrugging at Zacky’s words, Matt stared at Johnny. “I left that way and didn’t feel like walking inside only to come back out.”

“It’s rude.”

“Since when did you and Zacky become etiquette police, Gates?” Narrowing his hazel glare, Matt looked across the table.

“I’da done the same thing.” Shrugging, Jimmy sat the beer mug he held down. “Now, dudes. Since Short-Shit here has had his traditional Irish meal, can we get the hell away from here?”

“Dude, you’ll get to use the shot-glass attached to the green beaded necklace, we promise!” Rolling his eyes, Johnny stared across the circular table. “I really wanted corned-beef today.”

“Just because it’s St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t mean that we have to have it, ya know.” Shaking his head, Brian slapped a few bills down on the table and stood. Stretching, he showed off a thin sliver of tanned stomach and then scratched the part that had just been shown. “Let’s blow this joint.”

“Green beer!” Standing, Jimmy looked around finger automatically rising to his face to push his glasses up in a habitual gesture that he had done for years. Startled once again when he realized that he no longer wore them and could see perfectly, he dropped his hand.

“Forget you actually have decent eyes now, man?” Laughing when Jimmy nodded, Zacky followed the taller man through the restaurant ignoring the fact that Matt had vaulted over the fencing in retaliation.

“I did.” Nodding, Jimmy’s face broke out in a smile. “It’s still so fucking amazing!”

“Where are we headed to?” Stopping as a group, they all stared at each other at a loss as to what to do. It had been awhile since they had all had managed to have the same day off at the same time, especially this holiday. Knowing damned well what Jimmy’s vote was before the tall man could even voice his opinion, they all looked at him and muttered “later” and then looked back between each other.

“I propose we all meet up here at Main Street about seven and in the mean time go and get shit done that we need to do.” Looking between Matt, Jimmy, Zacky and Brian, Johnny nodded in affirmation when no one protested. Taking off their separate ways, Johnny reached in his pocket to pull out his keys. Climbing in his car, he headed in the direction he had headed in thousands of times before.

Spying no car in the drive, he shook his head. Pulling up along the sidewalk, he got out and shut his door. Clicking the alarm as he walked up the walkway towards the front door, he fingered his keys and drew one out. Inserting it into the lock that it fit, he pushed open the door after turning it.

“Elle?” Calling out her name softly so he wouldn’t startle her, Johnny shut the door gently behind him. Pricking his ears, he listened to hear if any noises came from within the house he had helped her and Matt move into nine years ago. Not hearing anything, he made his way across the Spanish-tiled foyer and through the kitchen and to the back door. Looking out over the yard, he spotted the hammock that had been hung swinging lazily back and forth.

Crossing the lush lawn, he headed towards the hammock. Spotting the ear-bud cords that wisped up Noelle’s body from the iPod that rested in her hand on her stomach, he gently reached out and touched her tanned skin knowing that she hadn’t heard him approach. Throwing up his hands to catch her when she rose startled, he grinned. “What’s up?”

“Jonathan! I swear you do that shit all the damned time!” Heart racing a mile a minute, Noelle relaxed in the tattooed hands that held her and slowly lowered her back onto the crocheted surface. Reaching out and tugging on one of his hands, she pulled him to rest beside her. Nuzzling her nose into his shoulder, she slung her arm over his stomach. “What are you doing here?”

“Figured you could use me today.” Words said softly, Johnny stared down at the cap of blonde hair that almost tickled his nose.

“Oh, in ways you only dream of!” Laughter in her words, Noelle curled her fist on Johnny’s tight stomach and stared at the flowers she had planted years ago along the fence line as they swayed in the slight breeze.

“Perhaps I can’t dream and you show me.” Words muttered so that Noelle would barely be able hear him Johnny looked down and met blue eyes.

“Oh, you wish, Christ, you just wish.” Replacing her head on his chest, she continued to look out. “Thanks for coming.”

“I do every year, do I not?”

“You do, but this year you were already with the guys. How’d you get away?” Fingering the hem of his well-worn t-shirt in her fingers, Noelle let a breath hitch out.

“How was the beach this morning?” Changing the subject, Johnny kept his gaze over her head, focusing on the wooden fence across the yard. Spotting a bee as it flittered between flowers, he trained his gaze instead on it.

“It was pretty calm; a good surfing day. Hopefully Brian spots it when he gets his car out of the lot. He’d really like the conditions.”

“He’d take you out, you know. You’d only have to ask.”

“I know.” Whispering the words as tears pricked the back of her eyes, Noelle shut them willing them not to seep out from beneath her lashes. “It’s just that stuff’s so weird now.”

“It’s been a few years, Elle.”

“Time-wise, yes; the way it feels, no.” Shaking her head lightly, Noelle kept her eyes shut.

“Have you talked to him about anything yet?”

“No.”

“Did you say no?” Barely catching her whispered answer, Johnny reached down and lifted her chin with one finger. Knowing her neck was at an odd angle, he tried not to keep her in the position very long but found she wouldn’t open her eyes. “I’ll let you go and help your neck out if you open those pretty blues, Elle.”

Opening the washed-out blue eyes he spoke of, Noelle met his gaze and quickly looked away. “I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what? It’s Matt.”

Pushing on Johnny’s chest gently, Noelle stood agitation to her stance. “Yes, Johnny—it’s just Matt. That’s the damned problem.”

“You can talk to Matt about anything, or so you say!” Jumping up to stand beside her, Johnny reached out and snagged her arm as she turned to walk away. “Don’t you dare walk away, Noelle!”

“What the hell does it matter to you what I do?” Whirling around, Noelle met the hazel of the man before her eye’s and swallowed her next words.

“It matters to me because I’m your friend and I’m tired of seeing you be happy one day, mopey the next. It’s time for you to move on, Elle.” Dropping his voice at the end when she blinked at him, Johnny took her hands in his when she didn’t back away or resist. “We all still love you, Elle; you’re not going to lose us.”

“I know that.” Words shaky as if she didn’t believe them, Noelle stared at the man in front of her, seeing the plea in his eyes, she slowly shut her eyes. “I guess today would be rather fitting, huh? Keep all the depressing days to a minimum and mope around one day a year versus two?”

“There you go into that bullshit!” Dropping her hands, Johnny grasped her shoulders and gently shook. “Listen to me, Noelle! He won’t just drop you, won’t just forget you exist, and won’t do anything if you tell him how you feel, good or bad. It’s Matt! You two are still friends above all else, still are each other’s confidants, still know each other better than anyone else knows each of you! “

“I’m terrified, Johnny.” Stepping back and out from under his hands, Noelle brushed away a tear that fell down her cheek. “I’m scared shitless for the second time in my life. The first was the day he came home and said that he wanted a separation and then a divorce all in the same breath. This is something different; still fear but a whole new feeling.”

“Baby, Matt won’t write you out of his life.”

“Johnny, you don’t even know what I want to tell him, talk to him about.”

“Try me.” Sitting down on a deck chair that was on the hand-bricked patio, Johnny pulled out a packet of cigarettes and lit one. Holding it out, he watched as she took it in her slim fingers and sat defeated beside him. “Go on, Elle, I won’t bite. Pretend I’m Matt and practice what you want to say.”

Looking over at the man beside her, his honey eyes staring at her in encouragement, she exhaled a plume of gray smoke and sat back in the cushioned seat. Remembering the day he had come home three years before, she shakily took another drag.

”I can’t do this anymore.”

“What?” Startled, Noelle looked up from the laundry that she had been sorting and folding on her and Matt’s king sized bed and stared at the man who had delivered the words. Clad in his work clothes, she wrinkled her nose at the thought of all the dust and grime that now covered various surfaces of their house as he stood before her in their bedroom doorway.

“Us.” Gesturing with one large hand, Matt waved it around absently at nothing in particular.

“I’m confused.” Heart dropping suddenly and her lungs closing in, Noelle dropped the shirt she had just picked up and stared not knowing what else to say as her mind raced a million miles ahead of her, trying to figure out just where and when he had made this decision, on what he had based his decision on and why she hadn’t seen anything coming.

“I can’t do us anymore; I want a separation.”

“What? Why?” Tears now pricking the back of her eyes, Noelle stood up watched the scene before her as if above the room, not paying attention as the basket of laundry toppled off the bed and onto the carpeted floor. “Where is this coming from?”

“I’m not happy.” Unbuckling the belt that held up his well worn jeans, Matt didn’t flick a glance Noelle’s way as he worked the black leather through the loops, finally pulling it out. Curling the length around his hand, he placed it on their shared dresser top. “I haven’t been for awhile. I’ve given us awhile to see how things would go and they’re getting no better. In fact, they’re getting worse.”

Anger suddenly crept through Noelle’s body, over the heart-wrenching breathlessness that had engulfed her. “You mean to tell me that you’ve felt unhappy for awhile so you’ve given us a test run to see if things would get any better and because they haven’t you’re just going to bail?”

Looking up as if surprised that she was still in the room, Matt stopped in the act of unbuttoning his jeans. “You always seem to know everything; why is this a surprise?”

“It’s not every day a woman has her husband come home and announce in the same breath that he wants a separation and then a divorce, Matt!” Throwing her hands up in the air, Noelle then let them fall. “What about this?”

Watching as his wife gestured around the room, Matt gave a faint smile. “We’ll figure that out when the time comes.”

“No, the time is going to come now, Matt. Since this is obviously your decision and I don’t get a say one way or another, what do you want me to do?”

“See! That there!” Throwing his jeans in the hamper right inside their bathroom, Matt whirled around, fury on his face. “That’s what I can’t stand! You have this bitchy attitude all the time!”

“Who wouldn’t be a bitch when her husband states that things are over in the same tone he’d use as if he was discussing the scores of last night’s game?” Reaching into their closet, she grabbed out one of their suitcases and threw it on the bed. “No problem, though. I’ll leave. That’s obviously what you intended to happen. You’ve bought and paid for this house and everything inside it.”

“You don’t have to leave tonight.” Eyes becoming soft for the first time as he had actually assessed the situation and had seen that he had come about it wrong, Matt laid his palm over the shut suitcase his wife was attempting to open.

Looking over at Johnny when she had finished talking, having explained to him what had happened that day and what was said when no one had ever known, Noelle held out her hand for the pack of cigarettes he was absently fumbling with. “He’s always confused me since that day. One minute he’s all ‘get the fuck out’ and the next its ‘no, stay, don’t leave now’. That’s why I’m terrified.”

“But you eventually left.” Pointing out this fact, Johnny handed Noelle a lit cigarette and then took one himself. “I know it wasn’t easy, but you did.”

Noelle nodded, staring at the bright orange end of the cigarette she held. “I did, as that’s what he wanted. It’s always been about what Matthew has wanted; always going along with what he feels is right. Eventually he felt that it was right—and that was two days later.”

Curling on her side of the bed as she had any other night, Noelle listened to the even and easy breathing of the man beside her. Turning over to face him, she stared at his profile in the light that the blinded window allowed. Feeling tears well in her eyes, she shut her eyes, clenching them to keep the tears from falling.

Reaching out slowly, almost cautiously, she touched one of Matt’s hands. Almost letting go of a sob when he flexed his fingers around her own, she bit her lip to keep from doing so. Continuing to stare and taking a breath only when needed, she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces trying to figure out how someone could tell you only hours before to get out and never come back, that they didn’t love or need you anymore but in sleep could still turn to that person and hold them. Finally falling asleep when he turned to face her and drew her towards his chest, she let her eyes drift shut as a tear escaped from the corner of them.

Walking into her house the next day after work, she looked around trying to see any subtle shift of changes that may have taken place while she was gone. Seeing that Matt hadn’t arrived home yet, she quickly hurried to the bathroom and threw the box she had left work early for on the counter. Eyes scanning the instructions that it contained only for form, she did what she was supposed to and laid the strip on the counter when finished.

Wandering the house while she waited the specified five minutes—to her the longest set of five she had thus lived through—she then climbed the stairs to stare at the window where results were revealed. Not feeling any emotion when she saw the result, she shoved the stick back into the box and walked downstairs and to the outside trash bin. Burying what she held into the can the farthest she could, she turned and walked back inside and straight into Matt’s chest.

“What were you doing out there?” Setting her back and then dropping his hands from her arms as if she had a communicable disease whereas only two days ago he had made love to her like he had never before, Matt then stood back.

“Had to take out some trash.” Barely choking the words out, Noelle brushed by her husband and to the stairs. “Did you make a decision about where one of us is to go?”

“I did.” Nodding, Matt walked into the foyer and leaned against the doorway to the kitchen. “I’d like you to leave tomorrow.”

Nodding once as she had set herself up for the answer he had given her, Noelle then looked at her feet. “I want you to know that there’s a chance that all those years of trying for a baby may have finally worked.”

Looking at her disgusted, Matt pushed off the doorframe he had leaned on. “Way to go; use the oldest trick in the book. It isn’t going to work.”

“I’m not using any kind of trick.” Feeling tears, Noelle angrily swiped them off of her cheeks. “We haven’t used anything in the past three years as you’ve wanted and wanted a child. I’m sorry that now you’ve decided you don’t want me any longer that you may be getting one.”

“That’s part of the reason.”

“Excuse me?” Feeling as if her heart had just been sucked out of her chest, Noelle ceased breathing and stared at the tall and tattooed man who had moved to stand in front of her. Backing away when he raised a hand to her cheek, she stepped up the stairs behind her. “Of everything you’ve done, Matthew, that’s the cruelest thus far. You know it’s not my fault! I would’ve given you ten children by now had it been my decision, my doing!”

“It’s not the only reason, Noelle.” Words soft, Matt looked up the stairs.

“Who is she?”

Head whipping up as if he had been slapped, Matt stared at his wife. “She?”

“Yes, she.” Crossing her arms over her chest, Noelle stared down the open stairwell noting that you could’ve heard a pin drop it was so quiet. “Who the fuck is she? No man comes home one day stating that he no longer wants his wife, isn’t in love with her or that he doesn’t want a child that may finally be coming when he’s wanted all of that for more than half of his life unless there’s another women involved.”

“There isn’t one. I swear it, Noelle. Not again. I promised; believe me.”

Surveying the man in front of her as his hazel eyes bored into hers, Noelle let out a shaky breath. “I took a home test, its positive. We all know how they are with the things wrong with me, so I’ll get a blood test and let you know the definitive answer.”

Lugging her suitcase down the stairs to the home she had lived in the past six years, Noelle turned as she reached her car. Popping the trunk absently, she continued to look at the adobe façade as the sun glinted off the windows that she had just shined a few days before as Matt had held the ladder below her. Shoving the case inside, she then got in and headed down the street to Johnny’s house grateful that she could stay there until the apartment she had found online the night before came open in two weeks. Passing Matt as she left, he on his way home from work on one of the rare weekend days he did so, she glanced at the clock on her dash and remembered the date.

“So, that’s what happened and it happened today, on St. Patrick’s Day. Therefore, I’m not really full of cheer. We all know that the pregnancy test came back negative as there isn’t a little Sanders running around. And we all know that there was another woman, one who was one of my good friends to top it all off.”

“Elle, why haven’t you told anyone the whole story before?”

Shaking her head, Noelle bit her lip trying to keep tears at bay. Finally finding her voice, she sucked in a deep breath. “It really hasn’t mattered until now.”

“Yes, baby, it has.” Taking her hand in his, Johnny tugged her to him. Having stood during the second part of her story, he had stood with her, eventually wandering out to the middle of the yard where she had plopped onto the grass.

“No, not really. It’s my own personal pain, my own personal story. What good are details when all that matters are two things: I could never give him the child he wanted as I was defective and I still love him and don’t know what to do about it other than to move on.”

“And that’s what you want to talk to him about?”

Nodding, Noelle bit her lip and looked away from Johnny’s questioning whiskey gaze. “Yes, that’s what I want to speak about. It’s time to put some things to rest, for me to let go of some things and I’m terrified that I’ll lose him totally. Still having him around to talk to, call for support, call to bitch about things to and call for minor repairs to things has helped me immensely. Sure, I lost my husband, the man that I saw every day, loved, made love to, cooked for, all those wifely things, is gone but the man that is my friend first and foremost is there still. I don’t know if I can lose him in even that capacity.”

“I know that you’re stronger than you think you are.” Looking up as Noelle had stood, Johnny held his hand. Jumping to his feet when she tugged on it, he let hers go. “Now, what do you want to say to Matt?”

“I need to also move.” Eyes scanning the back yard, and as she turned the back of the house, Noelle sighed. “We’re still here and I know that I can’t move on until I move out. He haunts me here. I feel him, smell him, and hear him when I walk into a room, do things that we used to do together.”

“You won this place in the divorce.”

“It wasn’t easy.” Grimacing, Noelle thought back. Shaking off the memories, she looked at Johnny. “Where’s he at? I found a place already; I’ve started packing the upstairs. I just need four men to help me and I’ll be okay to the new place.”

“Where’s the new place?” Following Noelle as she crossed the yard and went inside, Johnny scratched his head, once again amazed at how a woman’s moods could change so quickly.

“You’ll know it when you see it.” Smiling, Noelle grabbed her purse. “So, Johnny, where’s Matt at today? Or should I just send him a text?”

“I thought you were scared?”

“You’ve told me not to be and I just pulled on my big girl panties. I’ll be fine.” Fingers roaming over her phone’s keyboard at lightning speed, Noelle walked out the front door knowing Johnny would shut and lock it behind her. Smiling at Matt’s instantaneous reply, she shoved it in her purse as she waited beside Johnny’s car. Climbing in as he did, she relayed Matt’s current location where he stated he’d wait for her.

Accepting Johnny’s hug of encouragement, comfort and love, she stepped out of the car when they pulled up to Pier Plaza. “I’ll be fine.”

“You will be.” Nodding with a smile, Johnny kept his hand on the gear shift and stared out of the car at Noelle. “You’re strong; remember that. You’ve moved on long ago, you just need to accept it and perhaps he’ll help you do that.”

“Pick me up later?”

“Just call, sweets!” Tapping the fingers she had laid on the door through the open window, Johnny sped off when she let go and started to walk down the stairs.

Eyes scanning the earthen stairs that were beside the pier as Matt had indicated that he’d be there in his text, she finally picked him out of the crowd that had gathered due to the beautiful Southern California day. Letting out a long breath, she sucked in another one and headed towards him knowing that she would either walk away stronger or more broken than she had been the past three years. Dropping on the grass beside him, she leaned over and bumped her shoulders to his. “Hey, you.”

“Noelle.” Bumping her shoulder back, Matt smiled and took off the aviators that he wore. Tucking them into the neckline of his t-shirt, he searched her face like he had always done for the ten years they had known each other. “You didn’t have anything to do, did you?”

“You knew that then.” Pointing this fact out, Noelle turned away from his knowing glare and stared out at the ocean as it broke against the pylons of the pier and the shore. “I need to talk to you.”

“We do that often.” Chuckling, Matt drew his knees up to his chest and braced his forearms over his knees. “What about?”

Taking a deep breath, Noelle transferred her purse from her lap to give herself some time and let it out slowly. Knowing that Matt had the patience of a saint when he wanted to, she took another and let it out as she turned to look at him, startled when she found him staring at her. “Is there something on my face? A booger I missed or something?”

Laughing as she reached up to swipe at her face, Matt reached out and took her wrist. Moving her hand to her lap, he shook his head. “No, there’s nothing; I swear! You weren’t talking and doing your whole avoidance game so I figured I’d stare like normal and you’d eventually talk.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Rolling her eyes, Noelle continued to look at his face. “I still love you.”

“What?” Rearing back as if she had slapped him, Matt drew his brows together. “Where in the hell did this come from? I mean, the way you were playing the avoidance game I pretty much knew that it was something important, but I figured it was about another guy or some such shit.”

“No, no guy involved except for you.” Lifting her purse again, she twisted the straps over her fingers. “Look, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, isn’t what you want, but I needed to get it out there, to tell you.”

“Um…”

“Yeah, let me finish before I run away, okay?” Watching him nod, Noelle continued. “I know that we agreed to be friends with no strings attached, at least like they used to be tied, and we’re doing that rather successfully. I know that my love isn’t returned in any fashion except for a quick fuck here and there if you’re in the mood and need someone, friendship, and whatever else it may be. I know I’m muddying that friendship line we’ve rode the past two years since we’ve talked about things that happened between us about the divorce and the cheating that you’ve done.

“I’ve forgiven you for all of those things. I’ve gotten over the cheating, the lies, the lie that I lived in for two years, and the fact that I wasn’t somehow good enough to hold onto you, that she was better than me in almost all ways, what you said about the whole kid issue and what you said after I told you I wasn’t pregnant. I’ve put all of that aside, out of my mind but I still love you.”

“Elle, I—just—“

“No, listen, Matthew.” Holding up her hand, confident now that she was on a roll, Noelle took a breath and continued. “I’ve stood here for three years hoping and praying that you’d see something in me again. Praying that you’d come back, that you’d want me again, that you’d want me to be the mother to your children, that you’d want me to be your wife again. I can’t stand the thought of you not wanting me in some way—be it those things or as a friend.”

“Elle—“

“Quit calling me that damned name and just listen! Jesus! Three years and you haven’t even changed that!” Shaking her head and letting out a breath, Noelle smiled to soften her words knowing that three years ago that outburst would’ve cause a major rift whereas now, three years later it was laughed over. Smiling when the dimples she had fallen in love with first winked out, she rolled her eyes. “Anyway, as I was saying: I love you. I’ve contemplated the whole ‘get back together’ deal and have come to the conclusion that it wouldn’t work even if you wanted to do that. One, I wouldn’t trust you as I should. The initial trust that you have in a relationship is broken between us. I’d always wonder where you were, who you were talking to, where you were going and if you said where if you were really going there and not somewhere else.

“Two, I’d always wonder when the next split would be. We’ve been through two of them now. I’d always wonder when I wouldn’t be good enough to love anymore, when I wouldn’t be good enough to be your wife anymore. I couldn’t live like that. I’d always dwell on the past; always pick out things that annoyed me the first two times around, the second time around, that I’d always accuse you of the third time around.”

Taking a deep breath, Noelle looked into Matt’s eyes. “So, it’s time to let you go. This circle dance we’ve been living in just isn’t working. All the mixed signals from you, your family, our friends, I can’t handle them. We’re not who we thought we’d be to each other in the beginning and I’ve realized that.”

Watching as Matt just stared at her, Noelle smiled. “I know that you weren’t prepared for any of this, know that you weren’t expecting me to come here and dump on you, but we’re friends and you’re the one who told me that above all else we needed to be honest with each other, tell each other things. Well, I’ve told you. I’ve got to let you go.”

Lifting her hand and cupping his cheek, Noelle leaned across the short space between them. Placing her lips on his for what she knew would be the last time, whereas the last kiss they had shared three years ago she hadn’t, she then pulled back. “Goodbye, Matthew.”

Standing, she picked up her purse, slinging the straps over her shoulder. Not looking back as tears pricked her eyes, she continued on to the top of the Pier. Turning and walking down the cement expanse, she wrapped her hands around the dark metal bar when she reached the end. Staring out over the water, she jumped slightly when she felt a hand on her back.

“Elle?”

“Yes?” Turning her face towards Johnny, Noelle tried to smile and found that she couldn’t.

“What did he do?”

“Nothing.” Shaking her head, Noelle continued on when she saw the dark look cross Johnny’s face. “I didn’t give him a chance. I said what I needed to, things I didn’t know I’d say until I got there with him and then left.”

“I watched you come up, not that I’m a creeper or anything.” Laughing when Noelle grinned, Johnny lifted her chin. “Why the tears?”

“What I had planned to say went out the window.” Looking at Johnny, Noelle tried to smile. “I just took one look at him and out spouted all this shit that I never thought I’d say in a million years. I never thought that I’d basically tell him that I’ve sat around and pined for him for three years, all but threw a party when shit between him and Morgan didn’t work out and they broke up and that I still loved him but I did.”

“And?”

“And I feel better.”

“Then why the tears?”

“I don’t really know. I guess because I finally laid out what I really wanted deep down inside and was too afraid to say, I’ve always been afraid of driving him away, of making him leave and for some reason I just didn’t care this time.”

“Get a milkshake?” Hooking his thumb over his shoulder, Johnny raised a brow. “They always make you feel better, or we can go to KFC and get some mashed potatoes or just go home and crack open a bottle of Jameson. I mean it is St. Patrick’s Day, after all.”

“I vote for the Jameson.” Tugging on Johnny’s hand, Noelle moved towards the shore. “After we get some of my stuff moved.”

“Move? Today?” Getting into his car, Johnny sped off down the road once Noelle was buckled in. Pulling into her driveway having only received a nod in response, he groaned as he got out. Following her inside, he shut the door. “Should I call the others?”

“Yeah.” Yelling over her shoulder, Noelle stopped. “Tell them that you’ll need their help staying out of our business for the evening.”

“What?” Staring at her with his brows drawn, clearly confused, Johnny looked up the stairs.

“You’ll see.” Walking into her room, Noelle grabbed up the two suitcases she had already packed and looked around the room. Smiling almost in a bittersweet manner, she glanced at the bed that she had shared with Matt for so many years that she had never had replaced and turned to walk out of the room.

Jogging back down the steps and outside when she didn’t see Johnny, she dropped her cases and laughed. “What are you doing?”

“Packing up your damned gnomes.” Grumbling, Johnny shoved the last one in his trunk. “You can’t go anywhere and live without them, so I thought I’d save myself the whining and take them on our first trip.”

“I just love you.” Flinging her arms around his neck, Noelle squeezed tight. Stepping back, she gestured to her cases and watched as he jammed them in his trunk alongside the army of gnomes. “I’m ready.”

“That’s it? That’s all we’re moving?”

“Today.” Smiling, Noelle climbed in and placed her purse on her lap.

“Okay, where to?”

“Down my block and make a left. Two stoplights make a right and then three stop signs make a left, fourth house on the left.”

Following the directions she gave him, Johnny pulled up in front of the house she had led him to. “This is my place.”

“I know; it’s perfect, isn’t it?” Throwing open her door, Noelle smacked the back of the trunk and opened it when Johnny hit the lever. Placing a gnome in front of the bushes at the corner of the walk near the front door, she stood up and watched as he slowly walked towards her.

“What’s this about?” Shoving his hands in his jeans pockets, Johnny stared into blue eyes.

“It means that I came to a realization today when you showed up at my house and it really hit me when you dropped me off at the Pier.”

“And that was?”

“Yes, I may love Matt, but I’m in love with you and there’s a difference. You’ve been there for me throughout everything, have always supported me and I know that you love me.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Are you in love with me?” Holding her breath as she was going out on a limb for the second time that day, Noelle tried to smile. Watching as Johnny took three slow steps towards her she let out the breath that she held when his hand cupped her cheek, his fingers sliding into her wind-tossed blonde hair.

“I do.” Breath fanning her lips, Johnny spoke, his hazel eyes glued to hers. “I have since we were kids; Matt just won the first round.” Finally placing his lips onto hers as he had dreamed about for so long, Johnny placed his other hand on her hip as she melted against him. Pulling back, he stared at her face. “Thanks for telling Matt to fuck off.”

“Oh, I didn’t say that exactly, just that he no longer had my heart and that it was time to let him go. I need you, not him.”

“Well, let’s get this army out of my damned trunk and I’ll call them all and tell them that so we can have an evening alone doing what I’ve only dreamed about.”