These Mistakes You've Made, You'll Just Make Them Again

2 am and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him."
Winter just wasn't my season

I lay awake tonight, alone, pondering to myself. I'm debating whether I should drop my song, and get to bed, or to ease my frustration, finish it. I'm sitting in my bed, it's late, and very cold outside. I never did like January....

I glance over to the clock, and, much to my exhausted dismay, I see it's two in the morning. Damn. I have work in five hours. Maybe I can skip again... I think to myself. No! I'll get fired, and we really can't afford to have that happen.

I'm thinking about waiting for him to get home....

Then again, he may not come home at all.

Suddenly, I feel vibrations from under my butt. I bridge upwards, and clutch my phone, dragging it out from underneath me. At first, I can almost see his name, splashed across the lit screen, under caller ID. My spirits drop when I see it's not his name, and they stoop even further when I read whose name it is. I flip open the phone, and press "Answer".

"Kaycee? Why're you calling so--" I halt mid-sentence, hearing her sob on the other end.

"Alex, can you come and get me? H-he kicked me out. Turns out he just wanted to get into my pants," Kaycee cries quietly.

"I think it's fair to say 'I told you so'," I scold, annoyed.

"Alex! Please, I really, really need you right now! I'm on Eleventh Street, please, come get me!" She's pleading with me, and, being my best friend (although a foolish one), I have an obligation to save her, even if this is the tenth time she's done this.

I throw on some jeans, a tank top, grab my coat, and stride through the living room, observing that he still isn't home. Slipping on my converse, I run out into the apartment's parking lot, and jump into my truck. I drive.

.*.*.*.

Yeah, we walk through the doors, so accusing, their eyes
Like they have any right at all to critisize
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

I park, and leap out of my truck, jogging into the Holiday Inn, just off Eleventh. I step through the doors, and there she is, just now getting out of the elevator. She's wearing a thin jacket, and shorts.

I jog over to her, "Aren't you cold?" I already know, though, because she's shivering violently.

"I w-was wearing jeans, b-but, th-this is what he g-gave me, w-when he t-t-told me to l-leave," Her mascara is streaked down her face, and I can tell she had attempted to wipe it off.

"Did you know him at all?"

"N-n-no."

"God, Kaycee."

She just gazes at me, looking like she's at the brink of tears. "C'mon, let's just leave. Hold your head up, girl, you're not alone anymore." I attempt to smile, to be brave for her, and she smiles back, and I grab her hand. We begin to walk out, and we get pretty far, until we're just outside the entrance, and a man with two beer bottles in his hand crashes into Kaycee. All three of us stop, trying to regain balance.

He looks her up and down. "Whore," he snorts. This enrages me, and I start towards him. Kaycee tries to hold me back, telling me it's not a big deal, that he's drunk, but I break free, uncaring.

"Hey!" I grab his shoulder to steady him, and his eyes seem to focus on me. "You're one to talk, buddy. You can't even stand up straight." He just laughs drunkenly, which pisses me off more. I consider slapping him, but think better of it, and push him hard. "Go home, and get sober before you hurt somebody."

Oh, you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
So cradle your head in your hands

"I wish I could take all this back," Kaycee sighs. "I want to make all this crap go away."

"Me too, hon. But, you can't," I reply, watching the road.

She sighs deeply, and we pull up to her parents' house. She gets out, hugging her jacket to her. "Thanks, Lex. It means a lot."

I only nod, she shuts the door, and, again, I'm driving; I'm driving home.

And breathe, just breathe. Oh, breathe, just breathe.

.*.*.*.

May he turn 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year

I quietly step into my small apartment, and I see a slumped figure on the small loveseat near the door. I switch on a dim lamp, and I see Jack, my boyfriend, passed out on the mini-couch. I shake my head at the whiskey bottle still held in his hand, I feel like I'm about to cry. His birthday's next week...I just hope he's sober for it.

I snort bitterly at this thought, He hasn't been sober in months.

Then, why am I still here? Why is he still here?

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Want to hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

I sit on the edge of the black loveseat, and I stroke his face. God, he's beautiful, I think. And I love him. I know that, no matter what he did, I would never be able to leave him.

His eyes flutter open, and he looks at me, and smiles. "Hey, love. I thought you were asleep." When I tell him about Kaycee, he frowns.

"That girl needs to get her act together. Why are you still friends with her?"

I laugh openly at this, "For the same reason I'm still in love with you!"

He looks down at himself, and at the bottle in his hand. He sighs, "You're right. I'm sorry. I'll sober up, I promise." I shake my head, disbelieving, but his hand holds my chin, "I mean it this time, Alex. You mean too much to me."

Again, I shake my head. "We'll see." He frowns. "You need to get to bed, mister. You're in for one hell of a hangover tomorrow." This makes him groan.

"Okay...hey, can I stay on the couch? I really don't feel like moving." I laugh, and I turn off the lamp without answering.

'Cause you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, boys
So cradle your head in your hands

I step into our bedroom, and I discretely shut the door. I take off my jeans and tank top, and slip on a small nightie.

I slip into bed, and, having given up on my song, turn the light off. I curl up in my quilt, and I beg myself to go to sleep.

And breathe, just breathe. Oh, breathe, just breathe.

I can't sleep! All of my thoughts are wracking around in my brain, keeping me from falling into slumber. I'm worried, I'm scared, and, most of all, I'm confused.

Why do things have to happen this way? I pray silently. Why do things always go wrong?

I'm crying.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
Well, these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around....

I'm thinking of Kaycee, and how she's always fallen for the wrong guys, and I'm thinking of Jack, who drinks for a reason. I think of how I'm probably going to lose my job (and my mind), of how I never want to wake up. I think of how I can't breathe anymore...about how I don't want to breathe anymore.

No! You can't think like this! My inner voice shreiks. You have to go on! You can't just quit because life's not working out for you!

Frustrated, I throw the covers off of myself, and a cool blast of wind makes me shiver. I grab the piece of paper, my song, off of my nightstand, and my guitar, lying on the ground.

2 am, and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper it's no longer
Inside of me, threating the life it belongs to

I feel so free, writing like this. I feel better.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screamin' out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to

I write what I've been thinking all night, some words to remind me that letting go isn't an option:

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, now
So, sing it if you understand

I sigh.

.*.*.*.

And breathe, just breathe. Oh, breathe, just breathe....