Just To Be With You

It had been one month since Zach had proposed for me for the second time. It was one month from the only wedding we’d ever planned. My ring was deadlocked on my finger. I never took it off. The thought of looking down at it and seeing my finger bare caused too much pain. I never wanted to be reminded of how it felt not to have his ring on my finger.

I had kept myself so busy finishing planning the wedding we had started that I couldn’t keep up with everything. Thank God I already had my dress. My beautiful, breath taking dress, or I would have gone insane. I wanted the princess wedding, I wanted to be Cinderella, especially since Zach told me that I was his Cinderella so many times before, but the one thing that didn’t coincide with the princess wedding was the fact that I only wanted one bridesmaid. I wanted only Courtney to stand besides me as my maid of honor and I wanted Travis to be the only one standing next to Zach. After everything I had been through, after everything Zach and I had been there together, I knew the only real friends we had were Trav and Court and I didn’t see the need in pretending for the sake of others.

The best part about my maid of honor getting married at the same time as me? That my best friend was getting married at the same time as me. We got to go through the experiences of getting married together, and her wedding was only three months after mine and Zach’s. At the moment we were wrapped up in getting my wedding gown and her bridesmaid’s dress fitted. We already visited the florist and the photographer and it was only one in the afternoon.

“Sarah!” I heard Courtney scream as I was in the middle of stepping into my dress for the first time since I had originally picked it up. I was nervous and excited. It was everything I could have ever dreamed of. It was strapless, pure white, and the bodice had beads and crystals everywhere. The bottom puffed out with layers upon layers of tulle and to say I felt like a princess was an understatement. I’d never felt so beautiful in my entire life.

“Yeah!” I yelled back as the sales associate zipped me up properly. I had butterflies as I saw the bundle of white swarm around me. This was the dress I was meant to marry Zach in and to be here after everything, it was too overwhelming. I felt the tears steam down my cheeks.

“Zach’s on the phone. He wants to know…” at that moment I stepped out of the dressing room and Courtney saw me in my wedding dress for the first time. “Oh my God…” I saw her eyes water. “You look like a fairy tale princes,” she gasped with her jaw wide open and a glass in champagne in her hand. “Zach!” she squealed into the phone. “You have to see what I’m seeing. Your bride-to-be in her wedding gown, Zach she’s so beautiful.” She finished her sentence as her voice began to crack and she began to leak tears of joy.

I wiped my eyes but couldn’t wipe the ecstatic grin off my face as I looked in the mirror. “No!” I squealed. “No! Courtney! Don't tell him anything! He can’t see or know anything until our wedding!”

I could only imagine what Zach was saying on the other end on the phone but I knew by the genuine reaction Courtney had given that Zach had butterflies. He’d told me on more than one occasion that he fantasized about what I would look like on our wedding day and that he got goose bumps whenever he tried to imagine it.

“I’m sorry! You just…Sarah you look so gorgeous. Like an angel. Zach,” her attention was to the phone again. “You’re gonna lose it when you see her. God this month isn’t going to go by fast enough.”

I could hear his voice through the phone but I couldn’t make out what he was saying as Courtney giggled and smiled. “Oh!” she yelled as her eyes went wide. “That’s right, sorry! Sarah, Zach called because he and Travis wanted us to meet them for lunch. What do you say?”

“I would love to! You better get your ass in your bridesmaid dress if you want to get out of here!”

“Okay, you’re right. Zach, I have to go…but seriously, you’re missing out right now. We’ll meet you in an hour,” she teased as she hung up the phone.

“Courtney! Stop doing that to him! You’re going to make me so excited I end up showing him the dress myself!” I playfully reprimanded her as she got off the luxurious seat she was plopped on.

“Don’t you dare!” She walked over and ran her hands down the tulle of my dress, admiring it. “Wow Sarah. I can’t believe this is the first time I’m seeing this dress. It’s so you. You don’t even need that much done to it. Maybe pulled in an inch or so in your waist, but it’s perfect,” she said as she pinched the dress in on my sides.

“You think so? You think it’s good enough for him?” I felt myself betraying my inner fears by revealing them.

“Please tell me you’re kidding. Zach’s going to fall over when you walk down the aisle. When I was talking to him on the phone just now, telling him how wonderful you looked, I could hear him smiling and gushing on the other end. He told me, flat out, that as much as he’s tried to imagine what you’re going to look like on the day you finally become his wife—his actual words I swear—everything he’s imagined won’t hold a candle to what you’re going to look like because you always blow him away.”

I smiled as I felt the water-works starting to unlock again. “I love him. I just want everything to be perfect after everything I’ve done to him.”

“It already is perfect Sar, because he has you.” She reassured me before pulling me into a tight hug.

“Let’s get out of here because if I don’t take this gown off soon I don’t think I ever will,” I laughed trying to mask my underlying emotions. “Besides, I’m starving and I really just want to see the boys now.”

“Yeah, me too. Let me slip into my dress, it won’t take nearly as long,” she said as she disappeared into the fitting room.

We ended up meeting the guys about fifteen minutes later than we had planned. They didn’t look thrilled as we walked in and saw them clearly waiting for us to join them. The second they saw us, however, they stood up out of their seats and scooped us up into their arms to greet us.

I fell into Zach as he kissed me quickly on the lips. “I can’t wait to see you in that dress,” he whispered so only I could hear as he nuzzled his nose into the side on my neck.

I kissed him one more time before taking a seat besides him. It felt so good for the four of us to be together. I took my time to reflect on how close I had come to losing this. All of this. And at that moment I rested my hand on Zach’s knee underneath the table and gave it a squeeze.

“Did we forget how to tell time?” Travis and his smart ass self were in true form.

Courtney and I both giggled. “We’re sorry! We were busy Trav.” Courtney leaned into him and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Relax. We’re here and we are starving too.”

“Girls and weddings. Geez. You don’t see me and Z over here skipping on in late from looking at pictures and flowers and shit.”

“Woah now,” I took charge. “Travis. Calm self. And I sure hope you don’t come skipping in here or else you guys could marry each other. It was my dress fitting so I will take the blame.”

“You will not take the blame,” Zach cut in. “Travis, my bride-to-be will not be taking any fault for trying on her wedding gown,” he said as he took my hand. “I’m hungry too but chill the fuck out.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I flipped out. My hunger got the best of me.” Travis looked at me. “I apologize.” Then he turned to Courtney. “I was dick. Are we okay?”

She leaned in once more but this time kissed him on the lips. “You’re such an asshole but I still love you anyway.”

“Aw that’s so nice of you baby,” Travis mimicked as he kissed her back. “Seriously though. I don’t understand all the hoopla. So much planning for one day. Why don’t you guys just team up, get everything done now and we can have a double wedding,” he laughed.

When he looked at Courtney and myself to see our reactions he knew he was the only one who thought that was a good idea. The death glares we sent him were beyond brutal. “You better be kidding,” she said as she stared him down.

“Trav, I love you guys,” I cut in. “But that’s the worst idea ever.”

“Seriously,” Courtney went at him in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’d even suggest that. What on earth-“

“Woah! Okay! Okay!” he put his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry! I don’t know what I was thinking!”

I looked over at Zach who was chuckling to himself. “You should’ve ran that one by me bro. I would have advised you to never, ever even say that thought out loud,” he laughed harder as he looked at Travis.

The waitress brought over our drinks that the guys had taken the liberty to order and Travis was the first to raise his glass. “I’d like to make a toast,” his randomness was on full display. “I want to toast the four of us. Sarah, Zach, you’re the best friends a guy could ask for. And Court,” he turned to Court and looked at her adoringly which made my heart melt. “You’re the best thing that anyone could ever ask for. I’m very happy to be sitting here, as stupid as it sounds, but there was a point in time where I didn’t know if the four of us would ever be together again.” As he said this Zach put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him and topped it off with a kiss to my temple. “So,” Travis continued. “Here’s to us.”

“To us,” the three of us repeated as we clanked our glasses together and enjoyed a nice sip.

The four of us pounded down our meals and before we knew it the guys had to get going.

“I’ll be by later tonight,” Zach scooped me into his arms. To say things were perfect between us was an understatement. I’d never felt the love for him I felt for him now. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I gushed with a smile that made my heart race faster.

When Courtney finished saying her good bye to Travis we walked together in our separate direction and started our way back to my apartment.

“You’re beaming dude,” Courtney laughed as she looked at me still fresh with emotions from being with Zach.

“It’s crazy! I know. I can’t even take how happy I am.”

“So it’s safe to say you’re in a good, happy place then, right?” She asked with contrition.

“Um, yeah,” I stammered out. “Why?” She wouldn’t ask me that for no reason.

“I just was wondering if you could tell me now…what was really going through your head when you decided you were a random alchy.”

“I thought we’ve been over this,” I said coldly.

“Well, yeah, but if you’d just open up to me…”

“I already have.”

“Sar. You weren’t in a good place then and you pushed everyone away. Including me. Help me understand why.”

“Okay,” I sighed. “You don’t know what it feels like to wake up one morning and everything you’ve ever known, ever cared about, is just broken. Zach broke me. I in return broke him…and I thought it’d make me feel better, but it just broke me down even more. I…I was ashamed Court. I was so ashamed. I hated myself…”

“You didn’t have to push me away. I would’ve helped you, I wanted to be there for you…”

“You couldn’t have been.” I cut her off. “I didn’t know who I was because my world was ripped away from me.”

“So how’d you find your way back?”

“I took a long, hard look in the mirror. And Zach, well, he brought me back to life too. I didn’t want to be that person anymore…I barely recognized myself. Looking at Zach, knowing nothing was changing except my feelings for him growing stronger…I-I had to make a choice and I chose Zach.”

“After everything…after him doing what he did?” she was genuinely concerned and I couldn't blame her. She was my best friend, it was her job.

“Yes. After everything. I didn’t make it easy on him, I never have. After seeing him in the weeks and months after he cheated…I knew he was sorry. I knew he’d rather die than do it again. I just…I knew I could trust him. I always could.”

“And now?”

“Now….well,” I sighed. “I just feel like I’m still not good enough for him. No matter what I do.”

Courtney stopped in her tracks and let her jaw drop. “Sarah. You’re not serious right?”

I huffed out air and walked back to her. “Why would I joke about that?”

“Because it’s ridiculous.”

“Courtney…look at him. You of all people know what I’ve put him through. He could leave me at any second…”

She cut me off. “But he’d rather take a bullet than lose you. I’ve gotten to know him pretty damn well. He’s not going anywhere. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to him—and he’ll be the first to admit it.”

“Yeah…but….”

“No. No but’s. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. You do realize you deserve to be happy right? You both deserve to be happy…and the only way that will ever truly happen is if you’re together.”

I let a smile slip. “I know.”

“Good,” she patted me on the shoulder. “Cuz your wedding is happening in a month whether you want it to or not.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I teased as I smirked at her.

“So, what’s on the agenda for you guys tonight?” she asked innocently.

“He’s coming over, spending the night. Usual. You?”

“Same.”

“Tomorrow we’re going out,” I continued without her having to ask. “I’m dragging him to Macy’s, amongst other places to check the registry. Then we are going out for dinner.”

“Ah, yes, isn’t it nice when they have a few days off?”

“I’m eating it up. Season’s over soon…then the wedding,” I squealed. “I just can’t even take how excited I am.”

“Me either!” she gushed. “I can’t wait! Tomorrow sounds fun though. The thought of Zach meeting you for the registry of all things. It’s sweet. I gotta drag Travis out to see if there are any last minute things he wants to add on, too. I should probably talk to him about it tonight…”

“Yeah…I’m actually going to apply myself at work tomorrow so it won’t be til later, probably after dark. You’re going to the office, right?”

“Of course I am. If you aren’t at home what the hell am I going to do all day? Besides, it’s not like I’d have an excuse, you’re getting married sooner than I am. If you’re there and I’m not, that just looks bad!”

I laughed as I nodded my agreement. “Yeah, point taken.”

“Hey, one last thing…” she trailed off.

“Yeah?” I looked at her intrigued.

“You’re going to meet Zach at Macy’s first you said, right?”

“Uh huh,” I nodded my yes.

“At night?”

“Yup, Court what’s up?” I demanded now confused.

“Well, just be careful…you know who lives over there…I just…”

“Stop.” I cut her off knowing full well who she was talking about. Her vocalized fears were referring to Sean and the fact that I hadn’t seen him since the night I freaked out and locked myself in the bathroom. I didn’t want to see him ever again…he still knew how to get to me and it made me shutter just to think about it, but I’d been so good lately I didn’t want to let the thought enter my mind. So her bringing up the possibility of me running into him made my mind race with horrible outcomes, but I wasn’t about to tell her that.

“Sar, it’s just-“ she tried to defend her concern.

“No,” I shook my head adamanetly. “I appreciate your worrying Court, and I love you for it. But really…I’m meeting Zach, right after work. How bad could it be?”