Love Avenged

Asia tapped her nails on the counter, watching Mocha helping Bunny understand the newspaper. She rolled her eyes and stood up.

"You're never gonna learn," she sighed.

Mocha looked up, giving Asia a dirty look, then went back to the paper. Apple came in the room, taking a seat where Asia had been sitting.

"What was your problem today?" said Asia. "Flipping out on little kids? You're probably not gonna be here too much-"

"Why don't you mind your own goddamned business?" snapped Apple.

The other women in the room all looked at each other awkwardly. Asia shrugged and took a Diet Coke out of the fridge.

"We'll just see who goes home then," mumbled Asia.

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Johnny put his face in his hands, and Zacky shook his head.

"I know who I want to leave, but I'll feel terrible," Zacky said.

"Probably for the same reason I will," Johnny agreed.

"You ready, then?" asked Zacky.

Johnny looked over the wall once more and said, "I suppose I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Ready for a bitchfest?"

"As ready as you are, JC."

"Fuck my life, dude."

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"Due to complications in the programming, we can't give you girls bottles of Jack," sighed Papa Gates. "Though, honestly, I'd hate to see any of you drunk. And roses are gay as fuck. So we have been provided with these wonderful bandanas. See? See?"

Papa Gates held up a black bandana that read Love Avenged in fancy pink letters. He set it back on the podium with the rest of them, and he grabbed Johnny and pulled him over.

"This better not cut into my salary, short shit," he hissed.

Johnny grimaced and nodded. "Okay. Let's get this party jumpin'. Zack, you wanna start this time?"

"As long as you promise to stop fucking talking like a freak," said Zacky.

Johnny chuckled as Zacky picked up a bandana. He nodded to Johnny, and they both took deep breaths.

"Alright, this first one goes to Tata," he said.

Tata grinned and hopped down from the steps. She gave each of the guys a hug, and they each glued enormous grins to their faces. Papa Gates rolled his eyes.

"Hey, Bubbles," he said. "Continue? I don't have all night. I have porn to watch."

From the doorway came the manical laughter of Jimmy. He threw up his arm and cackled, "Gah, high five, Papa Gates!"

"Back in the hole, Jim," sighed Papa Gates. "I know where that hand has been, and I don't want to touch it."

"Anyway, the next bandana is for a girl who's caught my attention both challenges," said Johnny.

"Only cuz her tits keep popping out," grumbled Papa Gates. "Maybe if your eyes were elsewhere, you'd realize her face is-"

"Dad! Will you shut up?" yelled Brian.

"I will say what I-"

"ASIA!!!" shouted Johnny. "You can come down and get this now!"

Asia grinned and came down to plant a kiss on Johnny's cheek.

The ceremony continued until there were two left- Mocha and Apple. The two looked at each other, and they exchanged sympathetic glances. Zacky patted Johnny on the back, and he handed him the final bandana.

"I- er- don't really know much about either of you," said Johnny. "But I'd like to get to know one of you a little more."

Papa Gates rolled his eyes. "Are you gonna wait til my dick doesn't work, or what? Slap the bitch with a bandana and get a move on!"

Asia chuckled, but she was quickly silent when she saw the other girls look.

"Mocha, can you come here?" said Johnny.

Mocha sighed in relief and stepped toward the two men. Johnny handed her her bandana, and she hugged him. She smiled and did the same to Zacky, and she stood beside Bunny on the other side of the courtyard.

"So, Apple, would you come here?" Zacky said.

Apple was fuming, but she walked toward them. They each gave her a meaningful hug, but she didn't leave. Instead, she crossed her arms and stood in front of them.

"Why?" she asked.

"Well, your little outburst at the zoo was a bit...embarrassing," explained Zacky.

"Embarrassing?" laughed Papa Gates. "I wasn't even there, and I know what happened! Fuck, that little kid was gonna piss himself!"

Apple bit her tongue. She turned on her heel and walked briskly away from them without another word. Zacky and Johnny turned to the others.

"Alright, ladies!" said Johnny. "These bandanas are yours to keep. Look- they even have your names on them!"

"Baby Johnny likes monogrammed shit, doesn't he?" said Papa Gates, patting Johnny on the head rather harshly.

"Brian! Come get your dad! I'm gonna smack him in about two seconds!" commanded Johnny.

Brian sighed and came out of the house. He grabbed his dad by the arm and all but pulled him into the house.

"So, who's up for drinks in my room?" Zacky said evilly.

The women all cheered in agreement.

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Apples to Apples

I came here looking for love and maybe a new daddy for my little boy! All I found here were assholes and bitches. Guess that's the real world, right?

I mean, come on! That kid was throwing shit at the crocodiles! What was I supposed to do? Sit there until the croc bit his head off?

Maybe I'll find love elsewhere, but for now- I'm giving up on men. They all treat me like dirt. I hate them. I hope my baby boy grows up to be a great man. He'll change the world, I know it.

Fuck this show! Fuck you, Johnny and Zacky. Andfuck Avenged Sevenfold! I'm done here.

And get that fucking camera out of my face!