Forced Affection

‘Hallie are you ready?’ Leo snapped at me as we walked to the taxi. Did I mention how much I didn’t want to do this? At least here at Leo’s home with my friends I can ignore the pain and not think about Mason or Alex or my family or their pain. I can pretend it doesn’t exist and I’m living in a fairytale. But of course that bubble would burst.
‘Yes Leo’ I replied to him with as much hate as I could muster. My friends had already left; they caught an earlier flight back to Estralia. Leo had gotten them an escort to the station safely and guards for the flight. He thought it was best if they left before me, gave me extra time to prepare myself. I thought it was the worst idea ever.
I was stuck looking over wedding arrangements with Arianna and some planner for an extra 4 hours, we agreed on nothing. The planner had this concept of a fairytale wedding like I was a stupid princess, Arianna thought it was beautiful and I thought only 2 year olds would ever want anything like that. I thought of the rings and smiled at least there was something I was happy one. Arianna though was not happy at all, Leo refused to show her the wedding rings. Apparently he knew she would not accept a black diamond.
It had been roughly 24 hours since Leo had bought the rings, I wanted to wear it and show everyone, Leo though wanted it to be a secret-including one from his mother. She was doing what any mother would then; annoying me trying to get as much information out of me as possible. The time spent with just her and the wedding planner was hell. I could not imagine anything worse in the entire world-but I managed knowing that I would escape the pain soon.
Luckily we are leaving now. I followed Leo to the taxi waiting to be transported to the airport. I sat in the back seat silently, when I say taxi I lie. It is more adequately described as a chauffeur driven black merc, in which the driver actual had this idea of being important to us. He wasn’t. My bag was in the boot and Leo sat next to me on his blackberry attending to important business. Ignoring me and everything around him again.
The trip there was silent, the arrival was silent, the walk to the station from the drop off was silent, the check in was silent, the taking of our business class seats was silent, the take off was silent for us. Did I mention that everything was silent? I should probably also mention that we had an argument last night.
Like usual our argument started over stupid things, I was behaving childishly because I didn’t want to go home, Leo wanted me to, I wanted to wear the ring, Leo didn’t want me to, I wanted go with my friends, he wouldn’t let me. And so on and so forth. It ended in a sleepless night.
And me snarling at Arianna’s wedding planner this morning that so happened to be a friend or an old root of Leo’s either way I wasn’t happy and neither was he. I took advantage of him thinking I was pissed off about that. When truthfully I was just upset about going home, seeing my family, my comatose brother and not seeing my uncle anymore. It was something I doubt I would ever get used to. They say when you reach a certain age you stop gaining friends, but begin to lose them. I really hope I wasn’t at that age already.
‘Hallie’ Leo snapped at me half an hour into our flight.
‘What?’ I snapped back, the other people we were sharing first class with where spread far enough not to care about our bickering.
‘I’ve been talking to you for five minutes’ Leo said in a tone I had never heard before; I think it might have been concern.
‘So?’ I asked not wanting sympathy or anything.
‘Start talking’ Leo said to me.
‘What? You confuse me more than anyone else’ I snap at him.
‘Hallie, what is wrong?’ Leo asked me in the same concerned tone as before that had shocked me.
‘Parker let’s not’ I say turning away and closing my eyes. There was no denying the pain anymore.
I can’t think, they are in my thoughts constantly, every single one of my dreams-there they are haunting me. Mason and Alex. I should have been there I should have protected them or something. A tear slide down my face and fell into a restless slumber of sleep that would not last as long as the trip.

I sit up right, deep breathing and sweating I know I had just woken from a bad dream but I couldn’t feel safe, I wanted to wake up but it felt as if I couldn’t.
‘Hallie’ Leo whispered holding my arm to get me to look at him.
‘What?’ I asked as I felt the tears run down my face, there was no point trying to hide them-everyone had their demons they tried too hard to hide and I was sick of it, I could not do it anymore.
‘Are you ok?’ Leo asked. The response he got I don’t think he was every expecting.
‘No Parker I’m not. Have you not been paying attention to me? I don’t sleep, I hardly eat and I’m constantly on edge. The pain I feel is getting to me. I’m constantly angry because of it and at any moment I feel like I’m going to snap and kill the wrong person. All I feel is this burning rage that wants to hurt someone. I just want someone else to feel the same pain I do. Do you have any idea what it is like to be utterly hopeless when the person you care most about isn’t responding? Leo I love Alex and I just want him to wake up. I love Mason and I will never be able to tell him that again. I love my family and right now there is no one less in the world I want to see. Leo I’m not me anymore-I don’t know what to do’ I break down in the seat knowing Leo wasn’t ready to have to deal with a blubbering me. Our relationship had not progressed far enough to deal with these emotions and truths.
‘Hallie, I, umm, thank you’ Leo said confused and shocked.
‘What?’ I snap feeling like an idiot for opening myself up to him.
‘You finally told me. Why haven’t you spoken to me of this earlier?’ he asked holding my hand and staring at me ignoring everything around us on the plane.
‘Because I should deal with this by myself. I should not be so weak’ I say as the tears begin to freely run down my cheeks.
‘Cortez this is something no one should ever have to deal with by themselves. I’m here for you all the time, please let me help’ Leo said to me still trying to reassure me. He wasn’t doing a very good job and to be honest I think this was the first time he had ever tried to comfort someone that wasn’t his own wounded ego.
‘If you want to help me then you wouldn’t send me here to see my family. Leo I can’t deal with them at this moment in time. Seriously I blame them for everything-I haven’t spoken to my parents since I have left with you. Leo I don’t ever want to speak to them again’ I say angry. I feel the anger returning as my blood begins to boil-my family let our own die and gave me away for peace that was never going to happen.
‘Hallie you cannot push away your family, they will always be there for you’ Leo tries to sooth.
‘So why weren’t they there for Alex and Mason? They let them go, Mason’s dead and Alex isn’t responding. Seriously my parents don’t love anyone, they love power and reputation. They don’t have feelings-I mean look they gave their only daughter to their biggest enemy and threat. My parents do not care about anyone else but themselves’ I snap knowing this was a fight Leo would not win.
‘Hallie your parents love you no matter what and they are trying to do what is best’ Leo tried. I turned and coldly laughed, I saw him shudder and he knew he was wrong.
‘No Leo they don’t, you are so far wrong from the truth it isn’t funny’ I say coldly.
‘So what if I am, they are still your family whether you like it or not’ he responded matching my tone.
‘Parker you don’t understand, at least your family look after you. My family have always sent me away to other people-not once have they ever dealt with my issues. They just put their head in the sand and ignore it’ I pleaded with him wanting him to understand what I was trying to explain.
‘Hallie you are wrong. You don’t deal with your emotions and you don’t know how to deal with them. You may not have spoken to your family since you left, but your mother rings daily and in every conference meeting with your father he asks about you. So stop behaving like a child and learn some respect for them’ Leo snapped not willing to let me win this argument.
‘Parker, don’t tell me about my family. Or respect when you treat everyone with such little respect’ I replied knowing damn well Leo was a hypocrite.
‘You are wrong. I know respect and I know I’m disrespectful-but you don’t know that I have always gotten my own way. It got to a point where I don’t have to be respectful because everyone is so afraid and tries to do anything for me. Believe me I know exactly what respect is and I know that everyone gives it to me and unless they demand it from me or want it I won’t waste my time when I can get away without it’ Leo said to me bored. I knew he was right; everything had been handed to him. He had never had a rough life, everyone knew he was a rich playboy that was destined to get too much power and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
‘So why did you do it? If you know you can get away with disrespect and you don’t like it then why do it still?’ I questioned.
‘Who said I didn’t like being disrespectful? It is easier-if no one has high expectations or standards for you then you don’t disappoint anyone, you can’t let them down. Honestly look at us, if you knew I was respectful, charming and good like everyone talked about then you would expect me to treat you nicely, do anything for you and fall in love with you. You wouldn’t be so pissed about us and you would be going through life as if it was perfect and boring and well let’s face it if I couldn’t meet the standards you would be utterly disappointed. But since I had low standards set about me and this marriage, you expected the worse. And because it was better than what you expected, and it wasn’t the absolute worse thing like you expected, you saw a difference and that is what makes this work.’ Leo said explaining it as if it was to make perfect sense.
‘You are wrong. This isn’t any better. I still feel like shit and have to deal with pain that I don’t want to’ I mumbled turning away from him knowing he would not understand.
‘Hallie if you don’t think I understand you are wrong’ he said quietly waiting for me, as if he knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it in any more.
‘Leo you will never understand. I can’t deal with emotions. I have always faked it, honestly I don’t know what love is, I don’t feel it towards my parents. The only one I ever felt it for was Alex and now he is gone. I’m so angry at him, he promised he would never hurt me and he lied. He promised he would always be there and he isn’t. He promised to protect me and he can’t anymore. I need to protect him and I can’t’ I whispered as the tears came back again and I knew they would stay. Leo didn’t do anything. He sat there for what felt like an eternity.
‘I will protect you, I won’t hurt you and I will do my best to always be there for you’ Leo said after he had analysed the situation.
‘I don’t want a replacement Parker or your sympathy. I can deal with this by myself’ I said pushing him away again.
‘Hallie, I’m always going to be here no matter what. When you need someone to yell at because your parents are ignoring what is really happening and denying the truth I’ll be there. When you want someone to argue with because you feel helpless because your brother isn’t responding, when you want someone to cry to because the pain of losing someone you admire so much is gone then you know I will be there. And as much as you don’t want to right now when you want to let someone in, you can open your emotions up for me’ Leo said as I refused to make eye contact with him but he knew I was listening.
I sat in silence thinking about what he had said and how I was feeling, but I couldn’t understand everything. I just wanted to break down even though I already had. The plane began descending and I hadn’t realised it had been that long. Safely landing on the ground in the Estralia terminal I knew this was going to hurt more than I could ever imagine.

‘Hallie?’ a male’s voice came from behind. I turned around to see Lachlan and Jake standing at the doors of the airport as Leo and I carry our stuff over to them. I had a bag and realised it seemed pointless considering most of my stuff was here anyway.
I saw my two friends that I didn’t realise I had missed so much until seeing them. I dropped my bag and run to Jake. There was no point going to Lachlan without causing a fight. In Jake’s arm I felt safer than I had ever before. His arms wrapped around me and my head went straight into the crook of his neck. The tears fell again; I felt his arms tighten around me as he patted me on the back and refused to let me go.
‘I’m so sorry Hallie’ Jake whispered into my ear knowing that was all I needed. It didn’t feel awkward hugging him in front of Leo, but it did in front of Lachlan. Jake had never been big on emotions and this small gesture was more than I had ever expected. He finally let me go and I saw Leo standing there with our bags and hurt written all in his eyes. I hugged Lachlan briefly as he kissed me on the forehead and grabbed my bag.
‘C’mon we will take you to the car’ he said leading me away as Jake indicated for Leo to follow. There was tension between Leo and these 2 males, but there was bound to be. Jake and Leo had already had a run in and fought and now Leo knew of my past with Lachlan he was bound to feel a bit threatened.
At the car Leo and Lachlan put our stuff in the back as we all climbed in. Jake driving, Lachlan in the passenger’s seat and Leo and I in the back. Leo didn’t make any gestures towards me and I sat there silent knowing I didn’t want to see my family.
‘We are taking you home’ Lachlan said smiling to me. I nodded once knowing it wasn’t home anymore, but didn’t want to correct him.
‘No one is there at the moment, your parents are at the hospital, and Calvin is out hunting taking his anger out on everything. Luka is at the funeral directors taking care of everything. We will drop you off and you can go settle in’ Jake said staring in the revision mirror, speaking entirely to me and ignoring Leo.
‘Thanks’ I mumble not having anything else to say. I didn’t even care about them-Jake was Alex’s best friend and Lachlan had grown up with us. I knew they were hurting but for the time being I couldn’t handle it.

We arrived at the house that no longer looked warm or like home. I sighed grabbed my stuff and opened the doors. Not even thinking back to the last time I was here, with Leo I walked to my room. Opened the door to find it looking identical to how I had left it. I put my bag down and walked to the balcony.
I felt someone walk up behind me. Lachlan placed his hand on my hips and wrapped me in a hug
‘I’m here if you need me’ he whispered into my ear.
‘No. I have Leo now’ I said pushing him away and walking back into my room.
‘Hallie, I will always be here for you, no matter how long I have to wait’ Lachlan said to me as I made my way out the door. I didn’t bother replying, I just walked down the stairs to find Jake and Leo talking.
‘Being civil, good boys’ I said trying to smile. Jake patted me on the shoulder and hugged me one last time.
‘I shall take Lachlan and leave you two here. Get a good night sleep. You can see Alex tomorrow. Nothing will prepare you for that’ he said to me as I stared at Leo. Leo stood there expressionlessly waiting for the boys to leave.
As soon as Lachlan and Jake had left I turned to Leo.
‘I think I’m going to call it a night’ I mutter making my way up to the room.

Getting ready for bed I walk back into my room brushing my teeth. Leo was grabbing his bag and about to walk out the door.
‘Where are you going?’ I questioned.
‘I’ll sleep in the spare room’ he muttered.
‘Please don’t. I don’t want to be alone here anymore’ I say hoping Leo would stay. Leo walked back in and put his bag down.
‘Are you sure?’ he asked standing in front of me.
‘More than I have ever been’ I say walking out to the bathroom and getting changed. I changed into my old singlet and a pair of pants I hadn’t worn since being here. I walked back into my room to see Leo already in bed, laying there, hands under his head staring at the roof. I didn’t have to say anything; I turned off the light so the room fell victim to darkness as I made my way into the bed. I climbed in next to Leo. I didn’t even hesitate. I climbed straight over to him, place my head on his chest and waited for him to wrap his warm arms around me. He held me even so still not even breathing as if knowing at anymore something would happen. The tears fell again. They ran silently down my cheek as I thought about everything I would have to deal with. Leo lifted me up so I was next to him; he wiped away my tears and kissed me on the lips.
‘You aren’t alone’ he said to me as I kissed him back.
‘Thank you’ I whispered as I fell asleep in his arms, never feeling safer than I had now. I knew that with him I would be able to deal with anything life threw at me now, even the possibility of losing everything I once wanted.