Forced Affection

I sit there exhausted. Legs crossed and I can’t help but think. What was I doing? What was going to happen? What should I do? What would change? What did I do? How was I going to fix this? Why was I feeling this way? But the biggest question was when? When would everything change? I had the chance to get rid of all self doubt, to leave and I didn’t take it. The biggest question therefore, was what was wrong with me?
‘How long have you been up?’ Leo asks as he walks out of the bedroom and across the floor to the couch. He leant over the back and placed his hand on my shoulder. I leant into his arm and looked up at him. I felt as insecure and as lucky as I ever had. In fact I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt anymore.
‘Couple hours’ I mutter as I lean forward and grab my mug off the coffee table. Leo leant down and kissed my neck. He climbed over the couch and sat down around me. His arm pulled me closer and he kissed me. This had become a morning ritual-all this affection. I had no idea how to handle it or if I even wanted it. I longed for my heart to skip a beat when I argued with him, I longed for him to look at me with lust in his eyes-not this comfort I see now. Gently I felt his lips press onto mine as he grabbed the coffee mug out of my hand and placed it back onto the coffee table. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself onto his lap. I pulled out of the kiss and leant my head onto his shoulder. I felt Leo sigh and I knew he felt just like me. I wasn’t happy, this wasn’t us-we couldn’t play happy family.
‘I love you’ I whisper into his ear. ‘But’ I say silently to myself-there was always going to a but-even if the other didn’t hear it. I don’t think he realise how much it took out of me to say that. But I can only hope he felt the same way as me. I can only hope that I wasn’t the only one that had given myself entirely over to the other. I can only hope that this was good enough for him and he wouldn’t want this to change. I can only hope that Leo will love me forever. The same way I would love him forever. I was a stupid girl that fell for the bad guy. I hated myself. Who ever knew that loving someone could mean hating yourself?
‘Hallie I love you more than anything. I need you’ he replied as I felt a tear run down my face. I never wanted to cry in front of him again. But even with his constant reassurance I couldn’t help but feel that little bit of doubt. What if? They were the words killing me.
‘Leo. I feel like I have changed’ I say as I move from his lap and sit back down on the couch a hand stretch away from him. I wouldn’t be able to tell him how I felt if there was contact involved. I’m sure it was part of cabin fever-I hadn’t left this apartment since Leo hadn’t spoken to his father…two weeks ago.
‘Changed? I think we have both changed. That is fairly obvious Cortez’ Leo calmly replies and mocks. This once was a sign of affection but in the 2 weeks since killing most of the Circle members, Leo’s falling out with his father, my moving into his apartment and the losing my virginity I knew that I had changed more than I had before that day. That day was the beginning of everything. It was the day I felt myself becoming weak. And every moment since then, the need of Leo, the desire for his approval and contact, the lack of interest in anything else was all proof of my change. I want to be me again.
‘I never thought I would be this weak’ I mutter as I glance at him, this wouldn’t end well. I already knew that.
‘Love makes you weak, you once told me’ he replied ‘I don’t do emotions and feelings well. Do we have to do this?’ he questions not even looking at me. Yep. We have to do this. Because hurting him was the only way I could feel like myself anymore. I was messed up.
‘Leo I cared more about you when I hated you. Now I’m just scared and obsessed over you. I never wanted to be that girl and yet here I am-exactly that’ I say stretching as I try to meet his eye. But naturally he avoids it. I continue looking at him. He sighs and shakes his head.
‘You’re just trying to find an excuse to run from your emotions again Hallie. Please don’t I’m not in the mood to reassure you or tip toe around the fact you are emotionally retarded’ Leo snapped. I glimpse of the old him. In the past 2 weeks he would have never said that to me. Never once would he insult me or show any emotion besides sympathy or pity. Two emotions I hated-I was not as fragile as he thought.
‘Leo, I ‘m not emotionally retarded, I just…I want…I mean…’ I mumble this was not the Hallie I wanted to be. What was wrong with me? Leo finally looked at me in a moment the look of disgust was hidden by pity. Disgust, something else we were well aware of. He didn’t love this weak Hallie. He loved the Hallie that had a comment for everything, the one that didn’t take anything, the independent Hallie, the one that didn’t need him-but wanted. I wanted that Hallie back as well.
‘You want more reasons to run from this wedding Hallie? You want something else to dwell over? Fine I’ll get everything out into the open, you want the hate back-I’m sure this will bring it’ Leo snapped in such a cold tone I knew he was hating me for what I was doing. I instantly felt the regret. I should have just dropped the subject.
‘Remember when we left your place for the first time and I couldn’t work out who had the power to kill us, it was your mum. She thought about it when we went to the hospital to see Alex-she made the call as well, to kill me. But she found out about the pact we had made. She called it off immediately and she can’t help but wonder if she had made a mistake? Want to know what else-I threatened your precious Alex before we left, if he came and tried to rescue you, if he did anything I didn’t like, anything at all I would turn you. Straight away’ Leo snarled at me as he sat up on the seat. I shook my head.
‘Leo stop. I won’t bring it up again’ the weak Hallie pleaded.
‘Stop, please I’ve just begun. And if that wasn’t enough I also met with Claudio a couple of days before your uncle was murdered and Alex was put in the comma. I knew Claudio was going after a slayer and he was so excited. In fact I was enjoying reading his mind, the excitement for the hunt was alluring. I mean sure at the time I didn’t realise it was your family he was going after-but sure now it makes sense. But I didn’t worry about it’ Leo took a breath, I stared at him dumbfounded. I didn’t say anything. I was mixed, the weak Hallie wanted him to stop it. But the strong me wanted to hear everything he had to confess-it was just giving me more. The desire I wanted to hurt him so badly. I hated him for it.
‘Oh and remember when I was getting those really bad headaches; I’m pretty sure it was you doing it to me. The fact we now share a life and well that we have consumed each other’s blood means we can share things. So I think it was your anger hurting me, it has happened a few times since, but never as bad. And well as for the tracking thing on your phone that was Claudio. I found that out at the meeting I had with him, to which I didn’t care when I did found out either. In fact it was only then I remembered I had to get you a stupid phone’ Leo said almost back to himself, the smugness was all around him. He sat there with an air of relief and I took another breath. No more weak Hallie thoughts were present.
‘Oh and while we are being honest I’ve slept with Piper, like more than once-I think the term is friends with benefits. But really call it whatever you want’ Leo said in his bored tone that I was once sick of-but hadn’t heard in the past 2 weeks.
‘So Hallie enough reasons for you to run?’ Leo snapped as he got up from the couch we were sitting on and walked away. I sat there silently breathing, taking in everything he had told me. Everything I had been second guessing and wondering if he knew the answers-he did. He knew everything and more.
I felt my whole world crashing around me. The fake one. The one I had built up thinking this was perfect. A minute ago I was telling him I loved him, now I wanted nothing more than to run and never see him again. I stood up and walked to the bedroom.
Leo wasn’t in it and even if he was I couldn’t have cared less. I grabbed his car keys to his precious Porsche put them in my pocket, picked up my hand bag and caught my reflection in the mirror. I stared at the black leggings and plan white t shirt I had on. I put everything down and walked to the wardrobe Leo had allowed me to put my stuff in. I grabbed out my slaying gear, my black leather pants and my black singlet. I changed quickly, grabbed a pair of black heels to dress the outfit up, decided my loose curls was good enough and lack of makeup was fine as well. I grabbed my black Raybans and walked to the exit. I didn’t glance to see where Leo was. No longer did I care. I wasn’t the Hallie that needed him anymore, nor did I want him.
‘Where you going Hallie?’ Leo called as I could hear the mockery in his voice. My sense heightened.
‘Follow me and find out’ I threatened as I stopped and waited for him. I knew what he would do. Naturally Leo was at my side in a second. He walked around me looking me over like I was his prey.
‘Is that a threat?’ Leo whispered harshly that would have once made a shiver run down my spine, but not this time. This time a sense of relief came over me-there would be no backing down. He was just as angry as I was.
‘No Parker, if I was threatening you I would have said I think it was time for one of us to stop being so selfish. Follow me and I’ll make the ultimate sacrifice because we sure as hell know you won’t’ I replied still looking straight towards the door; I could sense every one of Leo’s moves, but I could not look at him-that was a distraction I couldn’t risk. I could smell him, I could practically feel him. His eyes wouldn’t leave me.
‘You’re right, that is much more of a threat. Lucky you didn’t say it then’ Leo snapped behind me as he continued moving around me, circling me, once this would have frightened me. But not anymore. I had nothing to lose.
‘Because let’s face it. A prince like you wouldn’t know what to do’ I say knowing exactly how to get a bite. I felt the strong Hallie, the independent one, the one I loved and lived to be returning.
‘Happy with yourself now?’ Leo snapped as he threw the glass he had in his hand on the ground. The crystal shards smashed all over the ground. I didn’t flinch-he was getting to breaking point. And he had never seen me there before, there had never been any need to. I could always take them. Or had someone stopping me and protecting me-generally it was Leo. He had never been the focus of my threat before.
‘Someone is going to have to clean that up’ I say as Leo sniggered.
‘I’m sure I can find a whore to do it-I’ll just call your cousin, or maybe even Skye’ Leo responded coldly. That was the last of it. I took a deep breath, placed my hand into my hand bag and in one swift movement I pulled out my trusty katana. I turned around to high kick Leo. He was clearly not expecting it. In fact I was even proud, not just because I had caught him off guards but because I worried I had gotten so predictable. Leo hit the wall in the hallway I was immediately in front of him pushing him up against the wall with katana at his throat. To hold him there I was using all my weight along with the adrenaline and the combined power I had from him. He glared at me but didn’t look concerned.
‘Impressive, still you won’t do it’ Leo said indicating to the katana.
‘Don’t tempt me’ I scowl pushing it harder into his throat, any further and I would be drawing blood.
‘Here let me help you’ Leo snapped as he pulled me closer and pushed my hand harder into his throat, blood began to slowly trickle down the blade, the blood falling in between us. Leo’s fangs began to automatically protrude as his body wanting to fight; I leant closer into him and pushed the katana harder, his blood beginning to flow. I had no idea how close I was, I felt my shoulder beginning to hurt, I glanced at Leo to see the the cross around my neck burning his shoulder, his skin festering and burnt entirely from the heirloom I had always worn.
‘Still think I need your help? I promise you Leo, I don’t need you anymore’ I smirk as I glare into him letting all the hate I have felt since being here boil back up. Knowing that if he was to push me any further, I would take the chance and I would kill him. I was sure of it, no longer scared of death.
Leo didn’t glare back, he didn’t blink, he didn’t even fight. He stared at me in defeat.
‘I was right, love has made you weak’ I mutter as I take the katana away from him and let go of him. I take a step back and turn to walk away. I wanted to fight him, not see him give up.
‘Weak? Is that what you really think? At least I’m not the one scared of it. I don’t want you to need me. That’s pathetic-but you running again proves you haven’t changed at all’ Leo said immediately, but I was already at the door. I sighed and turned to face him. He was still standing at the hallway where I had just walked from.
‘Why shouldn’t I be scared?’ I whisper but knew he would have heard him. With that I feebly turned to quickly throw the katana at Leo’s head. I intentionally missed, but got close enough to scare him-before it even stuck in the wall next to him I was safely out the door, slamming it shut behind me. I hastily walked to the elevator and pressed the button for the car park immediately, even now I was afraid he would come after me. As the doors closed I fell to the floor and let the tears fall. They ran freely down my face as I saw Leo’s blood on my foot and hand. I wiped it on my shirt without even thinking. The elevator reached the car park, I walked straight to Leo’s car, unlocked the door, put the key in the ignition and put a piece of plastic over the fingerprint device. Stupidly like most people he never wiped the sensor clean; the oils from his thumb print left a perfect fingerprint that with the pressure of my hand behind it allowed the car to start under the false impression that Leo had at least started it. I smiled to myself before checking my reflection in the mirror and planting my foot. I had to get away. Not that I was going far. I had to meet Arianna at the Parker’s mansion to organise last minute wedding plans.

I slid down the wall and pulled her favourite katana that was protruding from the hall where my head had practically been out. I sat on the floor. I felt the gash on my neck begin to heal; let’s face it I wouldn’t want to lose too much blood. I saw the red mark the cross had left on my shoulder-that though would not heal. I hit my head back on the wall. That went exactly how I didn’t want it too, and yet it had got the results I wanted. Over the past two weeks I’d slowly watched her change. She’d gone from the women I loved to the needy girl that I felt was my responsibility to look after-yet I couldn’t stand her.
I stayed sitting on the ground and playing with her katana. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I loved her. There was however, doubt she’d ever speak to me again. I hit my head-Piper really? Why would I tell her that? Sure it had cleaned my conscious…but at the expense of us. I couldn’t do this. But I knew I couldn’t go after her. If I did she would just push me further away. No this was something where she would have to come back to me.
‘What happened here?’ a female voice said from the door. I opened my eyes. No, I could not deal with this at the moment.
‘Hello? Hallie? Parker?’ the same voice called again. I stood up and made my way down the hall way into the kitchen where Rae Lopez stood gazing around at the smashed glass, the table I’d broken before me and Hallie had started to physically fight. Rae turned around to see me standing holding Hallie’s katana, shirtless, blood down my chest and a cross burnt into my shoulder.
‘Leo, where is Hallie?’ Rae said calmly as she took a step back from me.
‘I don’t know, she left with my Porsche’ I say as I look at her still not moving. She gulped, as her heart rate began to increase. She looked at the cross burn mark, the blood, Hallie’s katana and started to freak out. From her mind I could see she was naturally assuming the worse-the blood had to be Hallie’s, we’d fought, Hallie had naturally loss. I’d killed her, she was in the boot of my car.
‘Woah hold on there, it’s my blood, Hallie isn’t dead. We did fight, but the only one that was physically hurt was me’ I say as I continued to read her thoughts. She didn’t believe me to begin with, she wanted me to put the katana down (I complied) she glanced around and looked at the mess again and smiled, Hallie had held her own.
‘Please do not smirk at that thought, Hallie only held her own because I can’t hurt her. Even when I try’ I snapped as I move to the fridge to get a drink.
‘You’re wrong. You hurt her all the time, maybe not physically. But emotionally-all the time’ Rae says as she walks over to the table and sits down.
I flinched at her words-she was right. I certainly do hurt her emotionally. Something I wished I didn’t.
‘Drink?’ I ask.
‘No’ she replied looking at the smashed coffee table and hallway bench that Hallie had kicked me into. For once the kitchen table was still intact.
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked-that was a question I really couldn’t answer for myself, she was too busy thinking about other stuff.
‘I figured I hadn’t spoken to Hallie since she’d left. We hadn’t made up and well she would surely be having cold feet by now. As her Matron of Honour I had to be there. I’m her best friend-even if she does hate me’ Rae answered as I sat down across from her at the table.
‘Does that mean I’m still her fiancé even if she hates me?’ I asked and instantly regretted. This was not a D&M.
‘Ha, nah you can be replaced’ Rae laughed. I smiled, but didn’t mean it.
‘Wanna talk about it?’ Rae asked.
‘No’ I replied bored, but actually exhausted.
‘Good, so I’ve heard that Hallie agreed to the marriage even though there is no throne?’ Rae began getting straight to the point.
‘Where did you hear that?’ I knew she hadn’t spoken to Hallie. Drew flashed into her mind. I sniggered.
‘Of course, that must be some cute pillow talk’ I snap as Rae’s cheeks begin to turn red. Rae had after all gotten into town a couple days ago-and it would appear Drew was one of her first stops, Arianna had organised her arrival. It was a secret for Hallie. Pointless that would be.
‘Let’s not talk about my resources’ Rae recovers.
‘Please just don’t think about it’ I snap not wanting the visuals of her and my best friend.
‘Good. So man up and listen what you are going to do!’ Rae began. This naturally got my attention.
‘No you listen’ I snap. ‘I don’t need you to tell me what I have to do. I’ve already worked it out.’
‘Really? And you haven’t told Drew?’ Rae asked.
‘He doesn’t know everything, besides I’ve only just decided to go ahead with it’ I replied and was happy to feel the relief begin to lift. I needed to tell someone, to prove I wasn’t the bad guy.
‘Well I’m listening’ Rae said sitting straighter now.
‘I’m going to prove to Hallie that I love her, that I don’t want or need the power. That way she can stop second guessing us, wondering whose destiny is going to play out or trying to find a reason to run from me’ I say as my voice crack a bit. I knew Rae noticed it, but she would want to know the finer details and wouldn’t bring it up.
‘So what is your plan?’ Rae asked as she smiled and I saw she was relieved and not concerned any longer-just curious.
‘Well…’ I begin telling her the plan, the only way Hallie would ever truly give herself over to me. I can only hope that it would work.