Forced Affection

I walk straight into the Parker’s mansion. My heart was still racing and I couldn’t help but want everything to be different. But I knew that wasn’t a choice. This was my life now. I look down at my watch; I was five minutes later than what Arianna was expecting. I sighed – if only someone could handle this. Yep, that’s right I was complaining about my last dress fitting.
I take a second look back down at my wrist, it was covered in blood – clearly it wasn’t mine. But my heart wrenched with pain; everything Leo had said made me so angry, everything I was second guessing he knew the truth about. He’d lied to me. I was stupid enough to fall straight under his spell and need him. Well not any more.
‘Oh Hallie you are here’ I hear someone say as I turn around and see Arianna coming out of the door from the kitchen. I glance at her and stop walking towards the stairs.
‘Yeah, sorry I’m late. Traffic’ I lie smiling, trying to hide the blood on my wrist by putting it behind my back. Arianna stands frozen staring at me, before she can do anything though Skye and her mother follow Arianna through the door and stare at me as well.
‘What have you done?’ Mrs. Matthews says to me accusingly.
‘Where is Leo?’ Skye says glancing at the door and begins to look scared.
‘Are you ok? Did he hurt you?’ Arianna says snapping out of her state of shock and walking towards me. The only person in the room who was concerned about my safety.
‘Puden?’ I say staring at all of them confused. There was no way they could know that Leo and I had just argued – surely my emotions weren’t that easy to read.
‘What have you done, you whore! Where is Leo?’ Skye screeches at me as she stands there appalled.
They’re looking at me accusingly, shouting and threatening but before I can defend myself or say anything to Skye about shutting up and minding her own business Craig walks down stairs – obviously he’d heard all the fuss and came to investigate. But I was still in my own little world of shock. I couldn’t register the movement, the pain, the accusations or any of the situations I just stood there looking at Arianna and thinking about everything I had done. If there was anyone I had let down it was her. Craig’s footsteps got louder as he came down the stairs. Arianna had her hands out in a comforting way and slowly walked towards me; Skye was being comforted by her mother and was sobbing so loudly that I wanted to rip her voice box out. But still I couldn’t work out how to react to the circumstances I found myself in. I was in shock.
‘Why are you covered in blood?’ Craig snarls at me. Finally I begin to focus on what is happening, why are they all looking at me like that? I begin to feel light headed and sick, what has happened? Before I can answer, or set the matter straight Arianna is at my side and catches me as I fall.
Craig races forward, Skye tries to pull away from her mother as she continues shouting insults at me and threatening me, but I can’t make out any words. Everything has gone black.
‘Everyone get away from her. I will handle this. You need to leave now, get Skye out of here. Craig don’t you dare come closer’ Arianna replies forcefully as she picks me up and carries me away to a room I had never seen before. Mrs Matthews looks shocked and insulted but nonetheless holds Skye back and tries to make her leave, well at least the room I was in. But the surprise was that Craig had listened to his wife, but still he looked taken back at the way his wife had just defied him.
Arianna places me down on the day bed, in the sunlight, in some room I had never really seen before. Not that it was surprising considering how big this place was. Slowly my body begins to heat up from the sun and as the warmth spreads over me I feel the strength returning. I look at Arianna, literally my saviour and I feel the tears begin to swell in my eyes, there was no way I couldn’t tell her everything now.
‘I’m so sorry’ I begin to sob as I force myself to sit up. She sits down next to me, placing her arm comfortingly around me, not once looking taken back or concerned.
‘Hallie, look at me, are you ok?’ she asks again so calmly. I look at her and feel the tears fall. I couldn’t hold them in anymore.
‘No I’ve done something terrible’ I cry through the sobs, unable to get any more words out. I take a deep breath, but it just leads to more sobbing.
‘Ok, that’s fine. Is Leo ok? Is he alive?’ she asks and I can hear the fear in her voice. I look at her in shock and disapproval.
‘Of course, I could never hurt him’ I say with all my strength through the sobs. She sighs and wipes my tears away and holds me in her arms. She doesn’t say anything else; she just lets me cry in her arms as I let everything out. This was what I had needed. I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t pull away, but I didn’t want anyone else to see me like this. I was lucky to have Arianna. If only my mother had been here.
The tears finally begin to die down, some 15 minutes later – who knew I could cry so much? Who knew anyone could cry so much? I assumed the actual water from my eyes would run out and just cease – it hadn’t. I’m sure there was still more had I needed to go again.
‘This is Leo’s blood isn’t it?’ Arianna says to me more as a statement than a question as she points to the blood on my white singlet. It was the first time I had realised I had blood on my shirt – I dare say this was what had alerted them that something had happened. I should never have worn white, or at least changed it!
‘Yes, it is Leo’s blood. But he isn’t hurt, badly’ I say as an afterthought, sure he was injured but it’s not like he would die from it; unfortunately. I guess the anger was still present.
‘Did he hurt you?’ Arianna asks again. This time I bite my lip and nod. This was not the time to freeze again, I needed to talk to someone and right now Arianna was all I had, if only Rae had forgiven me, or my mother had been present.
‘Not physically, but emotionally he crushed me’ I begin to answer as the uneasy feeling of being weak for opening up sets in, but I fight through it and continue ‘I just feel so broken’ I whisper. Arianna holds me tightly still and kisses my forehead. Comfort, was never something I ever wanted, and often associated with others, not myself – but right now – that was all I wanted.
‘How did you get his blood on you?’ she asks, even though I knew there were harder questions she wanted to ask. I was thankful she was taking baby steps with this opening up, and allowing me to start small. No doubt it will end big.
‘We fought, and he said I was weak. And I was angry at him. I threatened to kill him, but I could never do that. I think I um I think I ahh I think I cut him, not severely, just enough to prove a point. A stupid point. I cut him to prove I wasn’t weak. Maybe I am weak, I couldn’t kill him’ I say as I lean my head onto her chest and bite my lip again.
‘I think you’re far from weak, it would have taken a lot of strength to not give in Hallie. How about you tell be what you fought about? What led to this argument? Do you want to talk about it?’ Arianna asks as she rubs my back comfortingly. Even though I knew she was pressing me for answers, I didn’t once feel like there was a pressure to answer, nonetheless I still wanted to answer her.
‘We fought about changing, me, him, us. Cold feet. Everything I was unsure about. He wanted to make me angry and I wanted to stop being weak. So we pushed each other and kept going. He wanted to make me stand up for myself and I just wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me. But when it came down to it I could never hurt him’ I whisper again, but knew she could easily hear me. I didn’t move, completely still just wanting this pain to end.
‘Ok, I know you couldn’t hurt him, but I’m going to ask you something; take all the time you want to answer…do not feel pressured about anything. Answer honestly, it will be fine, no matter what you answer – do you want me to call off the wedding?’ Arianna whispers. She was so quiet I barely heard her. For the first time in my life I was absolutely speechless. I didn’t have anything to say. Yet there was nothing I had to think about either. I didn’t even hesitate to give her my answer.
‘Yes’ I say as I pull back and look at her. She looked hurt, but would never admit to it. Instead she smiled at me and nodded.
‘Ok, well you stay here’ she says holding her composure as she kept smiling and began to stand up.
‘Wait, please don’t go’ I say as I hold onto her hand refusing to let go. She stops moving sits back done, not letting go of my hand. Instead she cups my hands in her and smiles again. She was so understanding and patient, how anyone could be this pleasant and pure was beyond me.
‘Please, I don’t want to call the wedding off. There is nothing more I want to do than to marry Leo. But I’m scared. He, I, we, hmm, I’m not sure how to explain it but I don’t think he could ever give himself up to anyone – especially not the same way I feel myself giving up to him. I love him and I want to be with him, forever. But I’m so scared I’m still being played and that I can’t trust him; especially not after what he told me today’ I tell Arianna as I look down at my feet and then back up to her warm brown eyes that the smile had never left. She hugs me tightly holding me.
‘You’re so young and there is so much pressure on both of you. I understand what you’re saying, you’re scared he hasn’t changed; you’re scared that you’re the only one that has felt something is this crazy situation. But I know my son loves you, I knew it from the day he didn’t run when you were crying and believe me, he made it clear after his and Craig’s falling out as well. I know you are the only one he will ever want. He could never live without you, not anymore’ Arianna says saying everything I wanted to be reassured about – but too bad it wasn’t coming from the person I wanted to hear say it.
I sigh and look at her, how could I tell her that it’s just words, and they weren’t even the right person these words were coming from? I force a smile and look outside into the backyard and then back at Arianna.
‘I love him. And I think he loves me. But I just don’t think that’s enough. I’m not sure we will work. Or make it through this’ I say honestly, I don’t hide any emotion, not that there was any, right now I was just stating the truth. ‘I mean what do I do about that?’ I finish as I look at Arianna asking, almost pleading hoping she would have the answer.
‘I don’t think he loves you, I know he does. Believe me this is something you can work through, if you both open up and are willing to try. So let me ask you, what do you want?’ Arianna asks as she squeezes my hands comfortingly.
I turn to her and shrug and then shake my head. I felt so indifferent that I had no idea what to do.
‘I want my mum, I want to talk to Leo, I want to hit Skye, I want to apologise to Rae, I want Alex to wake up, I want this pain to go away, I want to just stop and give myself a chance, I just want time’ I say looking at her. She smiles again reassuringly this time. How could one woman be so full of smiles at a time like this?
‘Alright, so that’s what you want, right now what to need?’ she asks. I shake my head and shrug, take away the desire of wanting, what was it I needed?
‘I need my mum to help organise this wedding, I need this wedding to be mine, I need distractions, I need Rae and I need to hit, talk, threaten, shout, even cry to Leo but I need him to want me to want him’ I say still indifferent ‘and I would really like to hit Skye, if that can come under a need somewhere that would be great’ I casually add at the end to take away from the Leo confession. Arianna chuckles as she sweeps a piece of hair out of my face.
‘Ok, so I can’t give you all that. But I can get you some. I can have your mother on the next flight here, I’m sure she will be over the moon, I can get you distracted, you want this wedding to be yours? Great, we are going through every detail together – none of this crap where your mother and I plan everything, you beginning now will have an opinion on everything, I’ve already gotten you Rae, she flew out yesterday and I sent her to Leo’s place before you arrived; she was supposed to be a surprise. I can’t let you hit Skye. I think I’ve done my fair share of helping you get what you need, but in regards to Leo, you’re going to have to do that on your own’ Arianna says to me. I look at her, unable to hide back the smile.
‘You got me Rae?’ I ask just to make sure I had heard correctly.
‘Out of everything I said, that’s what you focused on?’ she asks laughing. I smile back.
‘No, I focused on everything, but I can’t believe Rae is here. So now that I have decided not to cancel a wedding, let’s get this organised. I’ll sort out Leo later. I think I just need a little space from him first’ I say truthfully.
‘Ok, great, let’s go. How about I call your mother, tell her to board the next available flight? Then I get Rae back here, you go to your last dress fitting, decide how you feel about the wedding dress and then we start going through the details of the wedding with a fine tooth comb?’ Arianna says standing up, pulling me along with her.
‘Yeah, that sounds great’ I say smiling.
‘You say great, I say hell. Do you know how long it took your mother and I to plan this wedding? To go through all these details will take forever. I think we are going to need to get everyone of the planners back here? And caterers. And designers. And florists. And well everything, ok let’s go. We’ve got no time to waste’ Arianna says pulling me back towards the entrance.
‘Arianna?’ I say as she stops and turn back around to look at me.
‘Yes dear?’ she says like she has a thousand thoughts going through her mind – completely distracted.
‘Thank you for everything. I wouldn’t have made it through this without you’ I say smiling, in complete sincerity.
‘You’re most welcomed, I would do it all again for you’ she says as she hugs me one last time before we go back into the real world. Where unfortunately I would have to face everything Arianna had just sheltered me from.