Quiet Little Monsters

"First kiss?

"Olivia Marconi, sixth grade."

"Chester Aradondo, ninth grade."

Being stranded in the middle of nowhere Kansas made it very difficult to keep entertained. Finn Watson and I had given up on trying to hail a ride from the very rare car that passed by on the highway, we had given up after five or so hours of doing this (I would wave my arms up in the air and Finn would continue trying to fix whatever was wrong with the engine). Our celphones had zero bars and it was too late to walk to the next town. We were marooned, sitting in the car with our feet up on the dash asking question after question.

"First... you know..." Finn asked with a blush creeping on his cheeks.

"Fuck?" I asked.

"Yes, if you have to put it so bluntly," Finn scoffed with a smile. I laughed and shook my head.

"It was awful! Uh... Senior Prom, Chad McCarthy. Bad."

Finn laughed and scratched his arm, "Who was he?"

"My boyfriend. We'd dated for, like, eight months or something. He would always think about it. Hell, everyone would be thinking about it. So one day I just said yes. I'd seen and heard about it on so many people's minds, you know what sex would be like, but it was nothing like that. Chad was awkward and clumsy and so was I. He still wore a retainer, and I was the one who had to... take control. It was definitely not special or romantic or anything."

Finn smiled and I said, "Who was yours? Elk?" He nodded. "It was special, I guess, at the time. There was love there," Finn muttered quietly and looked out of the windshield.

"Nothing seems special anymore. Not to me," I whispered and followed his gaze up to the pinpricked midnight canvas of the dark sky.

"There is a ton of special shit out there," Finn murmured, "You have to look for it like your life depends on it sometimes though."

"I beg to differ," I sighed, "People are all the same. They think about the same things. They want the same things. They love the same things. Sometimes people love things without even liking them."

"I smell a cynic," Finn whispered.

"No. It's not cynicism. It's realism."

"You know how long my parents were married?" Finn asked me. His green eyes shined with defiance. I shook my head at his question.

"Thirty years. They were married for thirty years. Some people think that because they got divorced their marriage was a failure, but it wasn't. They failed nothing. My dad always said that, he said that they had me, they built a home together. They shared some really great times. And you know what? They still love each other. Maybe they're not married anymore, Dollface, but they still do care about what happens to the other. They call each other every day. I don't care if their marriage worked out or not, I would kill to love and care about someone the way that they do about each other. It's a different kind of love than husband and wife, but I don't give a fuck because it's love all the same."

My mouth was dry and I still looked above me even though Finn had turned his head in my direction and I could feel his fervent eyes on my face.

"Love like that is rare," I finally whispered, "My mom always said that there was nobody in the world she loved as much as she loved me. I came from her... I came from her and that's all I know. My dad was just some boyfriend in high school that she doesn't like to talk about. Well... she said that when I was born, I wouldn't stop crying. I came out bawling my head off and it didn't stop for months. She says it was probably because even at that age I could never get peace and quiet. I cried and cried and cried and if you see the pictures of my mom from when I was first born, she looks dead out of it with bags under her eyes and her hair a mess and I will be howling. When I was two or so, I would get in so much trouble for cussing. I could say 'fuck' before I could walk. Mom didn't understand where I was learning it from. She thought I was possessed by the devil or something. And then I started answering her questions before she asked them. She would think to ask me if I wanted peas of peaches for lunch and without her saying a word, I would answer peaches.

"She understood before I did what it was that I could do. I grew up and I was unhappy and my mom bought the shop and named it after me when I graduated high school. She didn't tell me to go to college because she knew how much I didn't want to go to another school, so she left me the shop and met a man who was ten years younger than her and told me she was moving to Paris. She didn't look at me in the eye when she told me, knowing that the eyes let me hear well. But I knew that she was running away from me. After everything, she left. I got an apartment and thank God I found Luella Baker. She knows I won't visit her and she's okay with that. Now I feel so confused, Finn! The more she's away, the more I forget her voice. The more I feel like it wasn't love at all, but obligation. That's why I don't believe in it anymore. There's nothing pure in the world anymore. There is no fairytale or magic. I remember in high school, I read a quote and I cried and cried when I read it, knowing my life would never be like other people's and that I would be unhappy for a long time. It said, 'One should absorb the color of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar.'"

I finished the last part with a sob and felt myself cry –cry like I did when my mother left for the airport, cry like the time I did when I first read that book by Oscar Wilde. Finn grabbed me and held on tight while I cried on his chest.

There is happiness in you. You should know that. I've seen you smile and I've see you laugh and I have watched you fall asleep with little grins on your face. You're a different kind of happy.

I shook my head and felt my eyes swell up with more tears. "Listen to me on the inside, Finn. Just listen to me!" He gave me a harsh glare and held onto my shoulders, shaking me.

"You are not a quote, Dolly, or your mom's love. You are your own fucking person, you hear me? You're not everyone and everyone is not you! You are Dolly, so stop making excuses for yourself!"

I pulled away from him and curled into a ball, sobbing like a child. Finn tried to touch me, but I pushed him away.

"Dolly?" he crooned, "I'm sorry if I hurt you."

I finally looked up at him and saw that the stars shined in his eyes and that there was something new there. I put a hand on his cheek and I knew that I loved him. He knew that he loved me too and we lay curled up in the dead sedan, marveling in this revelation. No words, no words. Just love and my soaring heart.

I slowly leaned up to kiss him and he hugged me tighter. We used no words and there was nothing that night except him and me. The world was gone and there was only us. Us in that dead hunter green sedan and our gasps in the dark.