Every Word
twenty-one.
You decided Kevin would be cremated, and you would put her ashes inside of a small ceramic pot you had made for you father years ago before he'd died. The day Kevin was actually really gone was horrible. I'd never seen you cry so much. Nor had I cried so much. That is, from that day back.
I stayed with you all that night though it felt as if I were alone. You sat there tears still barely running, not saying a word. But it was almost like the dog wasn't the only thing you were bothered by. Like there was something else.
We sat on your bed just staring at the wall, at least I was staring at the wall. It had been a long day and we were both kind of in shock I guess. At least I was. I wasn't sure what happened in the last couple weeks. But not just unsure about what was going on, but unsure about you too.
"Hey, Kevin is in a better place now." I said breaking the silence kissing your forehead.
"Yeah I know." You took a deep breath and that was when I knew it wasn't the dog. If it was, just thinking about the dog would have made you cry more. But you only sighed.
"Kevin isn't the only thing is she?" I said looking at your wall. It was bare. All your walls were bare. All but one wall which held one picture. You had caught me off guard months ago while cleaning your room and got a picture of me. I looked confused. It made me smile, but only for a second.
"Huh?" You looked up at me to actually listen to what I was saying.
"Is something other than Kevin bothering you?" I said still staring at the wall, but stroking your hair hoping to comfort you.
"No. I think I'm just tired." You said not looking at me again. I hated to try to push stuff out of you, but there was just something wrong. I almost thought you were still mad at me for telling you Kevin would be okay.
"Are you sure? You can tell me anything you know?" I sat up straight so I could really see you now. You didn't look at me this time. But more tears started flow again.
"No Marcus, I can't." You swallowed hard trying to hold back tears and closed your eyes. I figured you were trying to sleep so I let you stay there, silent, motionless, and crying.
I know death is a terrible thing to want, but I would die to know exactly what was going on in your head at that moment. Why didn't you tell me?
I stayed with you all that night though it felt as if I were alone. You sat there tears still barely running, not saying a word. But it was almost like the dog wasn't the only thing you were bothered by. Like there was something else.
We sat on your bed just staring at the wall, at least I was staring at the wall. It had been a long day and we were both kind of in shock I guess. At least I was. I wasn't sure what happened in the last couple weeks. But not just unsure about what was going on, but unsure about you too.
"Hey, Kevin is in a better place now." I said breaking the silence kissing your forehead.
"Yeah I know." You took a deep breath and that was when I knew it wasn't the dog. If it was, just thinking about the dog would have made you cry more. But you only sighed.
"Kevin isn't the only thing is she?" I said looking at your wall. It was bare. All your walls were bare. All but one wall which held one picture. You had caught me off guard months ago while cleaning your room and got a picture of me. I looked confused. It made me smile, but only for a second.
"Huh?" You looked up at me to actually listen to what I was saying.
"Is something other than Kevin bothering you?" I said still staring at the wall, but stroking your hair hoping to comfort you.
"No. I think I'm just tired." You said not looking at me again. I hated to try to push stuff out of you, but there was just something wrong. I almost thought you were still mad at me for telling you Kevin would be okay.
"Are you sure? You can tell me anything you know?" I sat up straight so I could really see you now. You didn't look at me this time. But more tears started flow again.
"No Marcus, I can't." You swallowed hard trying to hold back tears and closed your eyes. I figured you were trying to sleep so I let you stay there, silent, motionless, and crying.
I know death is a terrible thing to want, but I would die to know exactly what was going on in your head at that moment. Why didn't you tell me?