Every Word

I didn't really officially stop crying over Samantha's death until the next morning. But then I cried at breakfast. It was hard to recall what had happened after I had told my story about our time together. I remembered the man, but the rest is a blur. Sam got put into the ground, then a blurred memory. We ate sandwiches, then another blur. I met Sam's grandmother, then another blur. I got picked up by my dad, then another blur. I remember passing out once I got to my room, I fell onto the floor, then of course, another blur.

It was a dreamless sleep. Well, I mean, you always have dreams, or else you go crazy. I remember my history teacher telling me this. I just don't remember the dream. After I woke up, I stumbled my way to the bathroom. My eyes were puffy and red. I was a pale white color looking completely drained. I tried to imagine if I looked like this all yesterday at the funeral. Or maybe all week since Sam had died.

Processing the thought that Sam was now really gone, dumped into some hole, was a horrible feeling. But it was something I had to keep telling myself, while at the same time reminding myself that it as a good thing. My dad tried to tell me the same thing. That's when I cried.

We all sat at the dining room table. My mother and Father on opposing sides of the table, me on the end with the window to my back yard as my view. I looked into the yard and at the grass. The grass at the cemetery was much greener, another memory coming back to me. A little kid was picking weeds, what she of course thought were flowers.

"How was the..." My father trailed off rethinking the wording of his question. I looked up from my gaze at the grass and began to process an answer for the question, but came up empty handed.

I probably looked shocked if anything. Scared maybe. But I really felt nothing. There was no emotion in me left what so ever, it was then when I really became scared. My mind raced with thoughts, then those thoughts led to other thoughts, and suddenly I was lost in a pool of cycling thoughts, which led me to forgetting about the actual thing I was supposed to be thinking about.

"Was the funeral alright?" My mother asked. My thoughts became interrupted again, but this time, in the form of an actual question. Then the feeling kicked back in. All the resent and sadness, and that tinge of anger from the fact that I couldn't keep my eyes dry for over an hour since Sam died.

The next thing I knew, I was out the door. I couldn't sit there and cry in front of my parents like a child. It made me feel like they thought I was expecting something from them. Like a hug or a kiss or a pat on the back to tell me everything was going to be okay. But the fact of the matter, of this whole situation, was that Sam was dead and I was still here, and I was not okay. I was running.

I was running through town. Past the high school, the elementary school and Sam's house. Her drive way was completely filled with cars. Something I'd never seen before. I ran passed the grocery store and the ice cream parlor. I ran past the park and soon, I was out of town and on the high way. My body wouldn't let me stop. It was like I was in a car with out breaks just rolling down a hill. People inside their vehicles stared at me like I was crazy. I was crying and running and probably looked very angry, of course people would look at me like I was crazy.

I finally got to the place I knew there would no longer be any cars. There would be no people. There would be nothing but a long gravel road. I ran down the road, which was something I'd never done before. It took longer than I had imagined, I had only driven down the road, and my legs finally began to ache. I was almost to the end of the road, and I could see water through trees in the distance. This was my queue to begin walking rather than run.

I went to the place I imagined to be the place me and Sam had our first date. We weren't dating or anything yet really, I just thought I’d take her sight seeing. I accepted it to score some future boyfriend points. As I neared the end of the trail, and entered deeper gravel which was the parking space, I began to remember that day as if it were yesterday. Though of course, it wasn't yesterday. And it never will be.

I remember Sam didn't even look out over the drop to the river, or across to the state below us flooded with green from trees and grassy mountains. She just watched the rain fall down the window and shot me the occasional glance. At least I though she was looking at me. Then we caught onto the fact, we were stuck in an awkward silent moment, so I turned on some music. Clyde McPhatter I think it was, and she some how knew every word to the song. That was when I realized the she was something special.

I reached the edge of cliff and looked straight down. There was some rock and dirt, but then it got too steep to see anything more, except for the water of course. When I saw the water beneath me, I began to imagine how cold it would be, or if it would be warm. It was spring or something, the month didn't quite occur to me at the moment, but the sun was out. Then I imagined what it would feel like to jump in. I went through different dive positions in my head as not to hurt myself in the process, and then I realized, this was definitely too high of a drop to jump. I would surely die.

Then I thought about death, as my tears slowly started to dry. I thought about what it was like to be dead. Of course I had never been dead before so I wouldn't know the first thing about it. Each thought that entered my head about wondering what it was like to die and the fact that Samantha was gone and the fact that the opportunity of death was right beneath my feet gave me this strong urge to jump, and as this feeling became stronger, I heard someone walking in the gravel behind me.

I didn't look to see who it was or if it was even really a person. It could have been a deer or raccoon. What ever it was, it didn't distract me too much, as I let my toes hang off the edge.

"You'll die." I heard a child's voice say. Then I heard more steps in the gravel and the voice of a mother like figure calling to her child. I turned to see a small boy, maybe five in jean overalls. "Unless you're invincible." The kid smiled as if I was some kind of hero.

"I'm sorry, he just wanders where ever he pleases." The woman picked up the boy and gave him a stern look. "You aren't thinking of jumping are you?" The woman looks back up at me questionably.

"He can jump, he's invincible." The kid says laughing.

"Hush now Ray. You can't jump from this high up." She looks worried. Of course she was worried. She seemed to be a mother; she would know a guilty look. More or less previously crying eyes. "Are you okay? Can you speak?" She set the kid down in the direction of a group of people and a car and patted his bottom. "Do you need help?"

"I..." I trailed off a little bit thinking of an answer. "I really don't know." I began crying again. "I can't die." I said whispering. I dropped to my knees and began to cry much heavier.

“You’re not going to.” The woman patted my back and continued to speak, “Just move away from the edge son, you’ll be okay. Come to the car.” I looked up with red wet eyes. “We’ve got some sandwiches in the cooler, you can help yourself.” She smiled to assure me that she was no harm.

And she was no harm. She had a child and a husband and a job and home and good heart. I told her the story of me and Sam, how she had died recently. I didn’t really stop crying, but my words were at least coherent. I told her that I wanted to die, just to see Sam one more time. To feel how she feels now, to know what it’s like to be where she is. I realized then, that I would have nothing. No Sam, no life, no anything. I would be dead, and it would change nothing. And after telling this stranger everything that had happened, I felt just a little bit better.

To find someone you can trust, with out even knowing them personally is a strong thing. To let someone into your mind to fully understand exactly how you are feeling, is even stronger. And even though Sam was gone and I was here, I could one day accept that. That’s what Conny, the woman, told me. She said, “Even though something recently has happened that seems quite tragic, will turn into nothing but a faint memory. This girl that you loved would have left sooner or later. One way or another, your paths would have split, and you would no longer have each other. And for now, you can mourn for your loss, but soon, you will realize, that is the course of life. You love some and you lose some.”

I didn’t want to accept that she was right, or that if Sam lived a long healthy life, we would still lose each other somewhere down the road, but I realized in that moment, and completely understood, that is just the way life goes. I still love Sam, and miss her very much. So many tragic things will come along in life that you will one day never think of again.

I looked up from the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I was given minutes earlier and told the family, “This too shall pass.”