Instinct

All me life I’d been an outcast. All my life I felt un-loved, un-cared for. But now, as I stared out the window, my little hands pressed against the grimy glass, I couldn’t keep those emotions inside of me. They were being swept away and discarded, only for happiness to replace them. I was happy. I was really happy, and I couldn’t keep that huge toothless grin off my face. It was the grin of an eight year old, a grin I had never personally experienced.

The van jostled, sending my body airborne for a moment. The shadows from the trees spread all the way across the road, adding to the already sinister scene. But fear wouldn’t settle in me. All my life, a whopping eight years, I had lived in fear. Fear of my own shadow, fear of the monsters under my bed. The tiniest of sounds would send me cowering under my old ratty blanket. But now, for once, I wasn’t afraid. The random hooting of an owl, or the random howl of a wolf, didn’t scare me. Nor did the darkness that seemed to engulf the forest, or the dark deserted road we were now traveling down. And why wasn’t I afraid? My big blue eyes settled on the reason, the reason for my happiness; my parents.

They were mine, and I finally felt a swelling of pride. All my life they would either abuse me, or just abandon me for a few days. I would fend for myself, all the time while feeling rejected. So when they approached me today, Halloween, I was apprehensive, wondering what I could have possibly done wrong now. To my utter surprise, and disbelief, they had planned a family outing... with a few of their close friends, of course. Their friends had always frightened me, with their glazed eyes and foul smelling breath, but what could I do? My parents had finally included me in their lives, while smiling wide the whole time. For once I had done something right, so there was no way I was going to ruin it all.

The old rusted van, the same one that used to give me nightmares, groaned to a slow stop. Fear filled me for a brief moment before being wisped away. I was practically dancing in my seatbelt-less seat by the time we stopped completely.

“Are we here?” For a moment I thought I did something wrong, but I discarded that thought as my mom smiled wide, her miss matched yellow teeth gleaming.

“Yes sweety, we’re here.” I smiled wider, a small giggle escaping me. I just couldn’t contain my excitement. “Do you remember the game rules?” I bobbed my head rapidly, amazed by how my hair flew.

We were playing Halloween-hide-and-seek-tag. I was to hide, and not let any of them find me. Although my parents had only allowed me to go to school for one year, I had always won at hide-and-seek. I was good at it and I was excited to show my parents one of my talents. Maybe if I was really really good, they would take me out again. I could only hope.

My parents, and the three friends that had come along, all filed out of the van. I followed, practically jumping up and down with excitement. My eyes glanced briefly at the weird long boxes they carried. I didn’t know what was in them, but I didn’t care. Maybe they were big kid toys.

“Honey,” my father said. I turned to his pudgy face and looked up, into his beady eyes. His eyes were one of the things that used to haunt me. “You’ll get a two minute head start. And remember, try not to be found. Understand?” I bobbed my head again, this time also wrapping my arms around my small body. The October chill was beginning to get to me, and judging by the clouds, it was going to snow soon.

“Okay daddy.” I hesitated, not wanting to make him mad. “Daddy?” He looked at me. “Can I have a sweater?” He smiled at this. He also had a toothless smile, just like me.

“I didn’t bring one, but don’t worry, you’ll be warm enough soon. Just move around a lot.” I smiled.

“Okay daddy.” He shot me another toothless grin before walking over to his friends. I bounced on the balls of my feet while rubbing my arms. A gust of wind sent my hair flying and sent a shiver down my spine, but I didn’t make a peep. I wouldn’t ruin tonight. Tonight was my chance of having a family, my chance of feeling loved. I wouldn’t ruin it.

It had only been a few minutes before my mom told me to go hide, that they’d be coming soon. I tried to be happy and hopeful, but the looks on their friends faces frightened me. But once again, I said nothing. I just smiled at my parents, whom were both smiling widely at me, then took off.

Now fear hit me. Running around a dark forest at night tends to be frightening. But why would my parents send me out here if it wasn’t safe? That acted as my blanky, and kept me from cowering under a bush. I kept running, but not going too far. They’d expect me to go far. This was hide-and-seek, I had to hide where they didn’t expect. My own brilliance stunned me, and sent a smile to my cold lips.

I kept wandering around, trying my best to ignore the hooting owls, and the sounds of trees hitting one another in the wind. The sounds were frightening, I won’t lie, but I held my head high the whole time. I was safe. My parents were near. I was safe. Or so my mind told me.

My arms wrapped tighter around myself, my eyes scanning the darkness. It was so dark. I could barely see, and for the millionth time that night, I stumbled over a root. A whimper escaped me, shaking my whole body. The urge to cry hit me hard, but I forced the alarming amount of tears back. I couldn’t cry. Crying was bad. Crying always got me in more trouble, and I wouldn’t ruin tonight. I wouldn’t!

My hands pressed against the hard ground, pushing myself up, just as I heard a noise. I froze for a long moment before I recognized the sound; voices. Correction, hushed voices. Their footsteps hardly made any sound, like my own. But I couldn’t hide my relief. Part of me still wanted to show them my talents, but the other part, the larger part, just wanted to go away from this scary place. I’m not sure why, but for some reason, I headed away from the voices. My feet carried me, even when my mind was screaming at me to go the other way. To go toward the safety, the light. But I wouldn’t, some part of my mind wanted to take a different route, a harder way. So I allowed it to. What did I expect, I was eight. I didn’t do predictable.

I went a lot slower now, my eyes sweeping back and forth pointlessly. I could barely see. The half moon and the stars gave a little light, but the tree tops received most of it.

This wasn’t fun. I wanted my blanky. My feet hurt, I was freezing, and I was scared. This was supposed to be fun! As I slowed, I could once again hear hushed voices, or at least snippets.

“Didn’t think she’d go this far.”

“The deeper the better.”

“She can’t be far now.” I looked longingly in the direction of their voices, and only when an owl hooted, did I move. The jump startled me, and got my feet working again. They were surprised at how far I went, so that was good, right? They were proud, right? I regained some feeling in my feet and began to walk again. Everything was fine, I was just being paranoid.

This time, when a root caught my foot, I couldn’t hold back the small scream that tore from my throat. My body smashed against the ground, dirt flying up into my face. I coughed and sneezed, all the while tears streamed down my face. I didn’t want to play anymore. I pushed up just as something small smashed into the ground beside me. A loud bang reached my ears, sending my hands up to cover them. I turned, and relief hit me... which only lasted a second.

My parents and their friends were all about thirty feet away from me. Each held a long object pointed at me. I may not have went to school for long, but I knew what that was. It was a gun. I had five guns pointed at me. Why? Confusion wafted into me. Did they bring it to protect against bears? And if they did, why was I out alone, without protection? Something didn’t make sense.

I stepped forward, ready to go to them, asking questions, when another bang rang out. This time, the small projectile, landed where I had been standing. I had been good at fighting the fear for most of the night. I ignored the rusty van, the darkness, the sounds... but this, this sent fear slamming into me. My heart sped up, my palms got sweaty, and tears stung my eyes.

“Daddy?” I asked, my voice slightly hoarse from the cold. “Mommy?” I looked at them both. I saw no love. I saw no smile. I saw sheer pleasure and fun. They were having fun. I was being shot at, and shaking with fear, and they were drinking it in. Why? And why were they shooting at me? Didn’t guns kill people?

My gut went cold and instinct took hold. Guns were meant to kill. Chasing something in the forest with a gun was called hunting. They were hunting me. I spun and took off, as fast as my little legs could carry me.

Yells and shouts went off behind me, more loud bangs, and the sound of many people moving through the forest, all hit my ears. But I didn’t want to hear! I didn’t want to!

I kept running, even after I stumbled, even after I cut myself multiple times on branches. I couldn’t feel anymore. I was too cold. Too numb. My own parents were hunting me. I didn’t know too much on the concept of good and bad, but I did know that was bad. You didn’t hunt kids. You didn’t hunt people.

I don’t know how I did it, but soon the sounds behind me died away. It was a long time before I actually stopped though, and when I did, I collapsed. My chest was heaving for air, and my whole body was shaking with fear and exhaustion. Tears swum down my face and sobs and whimpers were constantly escaping me.

My body shook tremulously, from the cold and I was sure that my lips had turned blue from lack of heat.

Keep running. Keep running. It kept repeating over and over again, like a pendulum swinging back and forth. Keep running. Get away, but my body remained still, lying stiff on the frozen ground. I wanted to get up, I needed to get up, bit I couldn’t.

My small fists bunched up the ground, the dirt pushing under my fingernails. Tears leaked out of my eyes, stinging my cheeks as they fell, but I remained down. I just couldn’t get up.

I was eight. I shouldn’t have to, this wasn’t fair! I wanted to go home. I wanted my blanky.

I crunching of leaves caught my attention. My heart thudded, as my body seized, all muscles constricting painfully. Had they found my already?

I still didn’t move, but when I heard a sound, a sound that barely made it to my ringing ears, I looked up.

I had to blink rapidly, to clear the tears, but when I saw what was before me, I screamed. A wolf, a very large wolf, stood in front of me, hackles rose, growls tearing from its open jaw. Saliva was dripping from its mouth, and the sight of it gave me incentive to get to my feet. Sadly to say, a 200 pound wolf is faster than an eight year old girl. To say I was attacked by the wolf would be a lie. I was savaged by it.