The Lines and Spaces Between Us

The night was quiet. The usual hustle and bustle had since died, leaving only the deafening silence in its wake. It was just me, my thoughts, the silence, and the brilliant night sky above me. Even through the night, I could see the rich evergreen of the trees surrounding me on three sides, and was thankful for the lonely feeling the clearing gave me. Well, sort of. Usually, I was fine with being alone, in fact, I sometimes thrived on it. But not tonight. Not without him.

I had been friends with Nickolas Matthew Marshall for as long as I could remember. With his constant jokes and relentless teasing, we’d just been the perfect duo, spending every moment we could together. We were similar in some things, such as personalities and our love of Chinese food, but different in others, such as interests. It worked for us and we loved that about each other.

If you asked me how long I’ve been in love with Nick, I could almost tell you that I wasn’t sure, but I could tell you exactly when it was I knew. I was in seventh grade, sitting in math class as the teacher rambled on about something, and I smiled when I realized that it reminded me of Nick and his passion for math, and anything involving it. After that, well, I just knew. I know what many are thinking about this simple fact, that what I feel for Nick is just puppy love, and to be honest, I don’t think it is. How can you fall in love at the seventh grade? I couldn’t tell you but what I can tell you, is that it complicates things.

When you fall for your best friend, lines get drawn so the person in question never knows. Lines that complicate every thing you do together. Everything you thought you could, really. No amount of cries, pleas, tears of screams will ever been them. No amount of love will push you into going over that edge, fear of rejection and abandonment rising high.

Years passed, as I stared at that mocking line I could never cross. I’d rather have Nick in my life as a friend than nothing at all. That was what helped me overcome the feelings, well, not overcome, but surpass in some ways. I realized shortly that as I did so, the line I refused to cross began to grow thicker and thicker with every passing day.

Until he crossed that line first.

I smiled lightly at the thought, brushing my slender hand over my lips, remembering the day well.

It had happened one night while we were watching the Lion King, his all time favorite movie, lying in his bed with his dog curled up beside me. We were just talking like we always did, and when the talking ceased, in one moment, everything changed.

His lips were against mine, leaving me stunned. There was no kind of warning, nothing. Not even the playful grin that had tainted his lips many times before, hinting that he knew something that I didn’t. His lips had left mine as soon as they came upon them, his eyes staring back at mine, waiting for some kind of reaction. Nothing was left in me, except for the laughter bubbling up from my lips.

“A guy kisses you and you laugh? I’m not sure if I should be offended or laugh with you.” He had said to me, running his hands through his thick black hair and giving me his dimpled smile.

I hadn’t known how to respond, so I just did the first thing that I had known to do. I pulled his face to mine, giving him a kiss I now knew would be returned.

A month passed, full of his kisses that set me on fire; that burned through my soul. A month that was filled with him holding me tightly, his scent surrounding me, his arms wrapped around my body as if I were the only thing keeping him alive. I always felt at home in his arms, so safe and warm. I felt, for the first time, protected even, not having to worry about anything while in his strong arms, because I knew that if something should happen, he would protect me.

Then a week came that changed everything. We didn’t speak for long periods of time, finding school and work more important than whatever we had going on between us. In truth, it was both of our faults, but I could feel myself partly irritated at the fact that he was the one who had ended it. I had known it was over, from the moment we stopped texting each other, and I believe it was one day when I was sick, and kneeling on the bathroom floor, when I had finally come to the truth. I had just known.

My girl friends had told me not to worry about it, that I was making myself sick from the constant worrying and stress of it all, but I continued lying to myself, hoping that it would one day be fixed.

A text came on a Thursday, and that was all it took. Five words was all it took to end my worrying and to break my heart.

We should just be friends.

The pain came automatically, the tears rolling out of my eyes like a fountain as I found refuge in my room. My heart, if I ever had one to begin with, was gone, shredded. I couldn’t breathe, and when I could, I immediately got into my car, leaving my mother worrying and my house as deserted as I felt inside.

I drove and drove until I got to the place that had once given me comfort in the hardest times, to the boy who had consoled me through my entire eighteen years of existence. To the man who had broken me to begin with.

Staring up at the big white house, the black shudders, I had felt regret for the first time in a long time.

Carefully throwing my car in reverse, I drove until I came to my field, a field where Nick and I used to play in as children. A secluded field away from the prying and wondering eyes of the nosey town is where I hid away from everyone and everything.

My cell vibrated, causing me to look down in wonderment. Nick’s name haunted the screen as his beautiful blue-green eyes smiled at me. As the call went to voicemail, the tightness in my stomach strengthened, aching with the pain I’d never known.

I’ve never been one to ignore anyone in my phone. If they call, or even text, they would get a response in five minutes or less, guaranteed. I couldn’t bring myself to send Nick a response, the anger pulsing through my veins. I didn’t owe him anything, not even so much as a text.

Princess Hollywood, where art thou?

His words burned into my mind as he used the nickname he had always called me since seventh grade. It was obvious I was attached to my cell phone, and he had come up with the nickname, stating that I was so popular that I belonged in Hollywood.

Are u okay?

Ignoring Nick’s next text wasn’t easy, but I forced myself to relax my trembling hands on my stomach and recline back onto the green grass beneath me. I couldn’t even believe he had the audacity to ask me that. Are you okay? Seriously, I could have sworn I had fallen for a smarter man. Of course I wasn’t okay; he had ripped out my heart, and left me with nothing.

The fireflies danced above me, as my phone, once again, called out its siren’s song, bringing my attention back to the device in my hand.

I called ur house and ur mom said u left. I told her u just got here. Want 2 tell me y I just lied to ur mom?

Rolling my eyes at his text, as well as his use of ‘text-type’, I once again ignored the text and turned my phone from vibrate to silent.

Ten minutes passed before I checked my phone again. The display screen was dark and blank, reflecting my mood almost to a tee.

Headlights shined through the trees as a little black car came to a stop next to mine. I knew it was Nick, the moment his car turned down the isolated dirt road. I knew the sound of his engine, I could recognize it anywhere.

I didn’t glance his way, just kept my eyes focused on the night sky above me. I didn’t need to look. I knew exactly what he would be wearing, what his walk would be like, everything. He would be walking towards me, his jeans being held on with a black leather belt, his random shirt, and his tennis shoes carefully making his way towards me.

“Princess, you had me worried.” His deep voice sent chills up my spine, but I continued to just stare at the sky as he sat down beside me.

“Sorry.” My voice was quiet, very small, reflecting how I felt. I didn’t feel like the happy bubbly person that everyone knew me to be. I just wasn’t feeling like myself.

“Courtney?” He asked, but I still avoided looking at him.

“Nickolas?” I mocked, causing him to smile. I didn’t have to look; I could almost feel his brilliant dimpled smile, warming me even though I knew it shouldn’t.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Are you really sure?”

“Nick, I’m going to punch you in the face if you ask me that one more time.” I said, finally looking at him and shooting him an annoyed look. I might have had a little anger at him; however, it was fleeting with the wind. How could I be mad at him when he realized what I had known the entire time? He was too good for me, and he deserved better.

“You couldn’t take me. I was in wrestling remember?” He said, his confidence shining through.

“Rewind, Nick. I said I would punch you in the face, not ‘take you’.” I answered, rolling my eyes. His fit body lay next to mine, and I moved over, moving my head to rest on his chest. I could feel it beat beneath my head, the fast pulse echoing through my ears, clouding everything. I couldn’t tell what exactly was going through his mind, but I knew that it couldn’t have been good. Was he nervous? Scared?

“Courtney…” He trailed off unsure of what to say, before he sighed, wrapping his arms around me. It felt just like it had when we were together. Just different in a way, I suppose.

“Do you remember when Steve broke up with me? Or Danny?” I asked, as he nodded, his lips pressed up against my head, giving me the comfort that I needed. “Well, I had always come to you because I wanted comfort, and you were the only one to that I knew would give it to me, no questions asked, and not wanting anything in return.”

“So when I broke it off with you…”

“I drove to your house, fully intending on repeating my usual habits when I realized that I can’t do that anymore. That kills me, Nick. I don’t understand why you ended it, even though it baffles me as to why you had to say it in the first place, I knew that it was over. Why did you think I didn’t want to actually be your girlfriend?” I said, the honest words pouring out of my lips, unable to stop them. “I knew that if we broke up and had a messy break up, then it wouldn’t be possible to go back to the way things used to be. All I want from you right now is the truth. Why? And after that, depending on what that truth is, I either want to be left alone, or that comfort that you’ve always given me.” I said, and for a while there was a long pause, him not saying anything.

Finally I was sick of it. I was tired of waiting around for him to tell me what I wanted, what I needed, to hear. I was finished. Done. The one thing I regretted throughout this whole thing was the fact that no one had told me that relationships deemed ‘it’s complicated’ almost always turn into ‘it’s over’.

I quickly rose to my feet, pushing his arms off of me, and walking away. I left, with him staring up at the sky, trying to figure out what exactly he needed to say. It wouldn’t have mattered, I suppose, I wasn’t going to stop. Not for him, and not for anyone else for that mattered. I needed a break, and that was something I needed to take for myself.

“Courtney! Why do you have to be so stubborn?” He yelled at me, causing me to stop in my tracks, my hand reaching out for the handle on my door. I let the anger wash out of me, as I breathed in deeply, before putting my hand on the handle. “Don’t you dare get into that car, Courtney Marie Banks. If you do, I swear I will take you down right now.” He yelled again, and for the first time, I felt the anger pulsing from him like a fire.

He had never really been angry with me, except for that one time that I beat him in tennis, but I had a feeling that it wasn’t really anger at me, just that he had lost to a girl who wasn’t the most graceful person ever, and tripped on a daily basis. Still, I didn’t feel the need to stop. I didn’t want to. I needed to stay strong. I pulled on the handle, ignoring his heavy footsteps as he sprinted forward. Just as I pulled on the door to open it, his hand came inches from my face, slamming the door shut, and pushing me against the car.

His lips had came as fast as they had the first night, but there was something different in his kiss this time. Some sort of passion that I hadn’t felt before, some sort of anger, I suppose. I pushed him away, wiping my lips as if it would help get the taste from them. I knew better, knowing that the mint taste of it all would stay in my mouth as a painful reminder of could-have-been’s.

“How can you do that to me? Give me hope and then just shut me down whenever you feel like it? Is that how you see me? Just some little girl to play with whenever you feel like it?” I yelled, my anger finally getting the better of me.

“I love you, you stubborn woman. Everything about you and I thought you were going to end it, so I saved you the trouble. You are too nice for your own good.” Nick said, breathless.

“You foolish man!” I yelled, “I have never been ‘too nice’. If I didn’t love you so much I’d beat you within an inch of your life, let you recover, then repeat the process!” I growled, hitting his chest as he gave me the smile in which I fell in love with.

“Be mine?” He asked, entwining his fingers with mine. I looked down at our hands. My nails were painted purple, my favorite color; the skin was pale, due to lack of sun. His hands were strong, and tan, while his nails were cut short, but clean. Together, they fit. Though my hands were small, they laced together with his perfectly.

“Yes.” I answered, pulling him into a kiss without hesitation. I loved him, and part of me knew that we could make it work, if we tried.