Eyes of Light

I tried many attempts to play with Nick’s soft, messy curls, but he kept swatting my hand away. What I didn’t get was, if it was actually bugging him, why didn’t he lean away? He stayed leaning against me though, his head on my shoulder. I watched him stare down at his book, flipping through the pages slowly now. This was comfortable for me. This was something I wanted to tell him that I liked, being so close to him. It couldn’t hurt… or it could, but I’d deal with it. I was so pathetic. I giggled, this once sounding nervous, and quickly pursed my lips once he cocked his head, staring up at me with an adorable look of confusion. I sighed.

“Hey, Nick?” I muttered, letting off another sigh. He raised a thin eyebrow and continued to glance up at me, making it even harder to ask what I wanted to ask. I pulled one hand away from his warmth and scratched my head, using the other to stay in contact with his warm shoulder. I wanted to touch his face. I didn’t need him to tell me I was a weirdo. I already knew; I didn’t care.

“Yes?” he prompted.

I bit my lip and stayed in silence, feeling the warmth in my cheeks balance out with my brightening glow. He waited, either patiently or impatiently, I didn’t know.

“I, umm, I like… this,” I stuttered, motioning down to his position with one hand. He furrowed his eyebrows and tried to sit up some, but I gripped his arm, almost begging him not to get up. “You don’t have to say or do anything, just let me finish real quick, okay?”

Nick stirred for a moment, his hand grazing my thigh. I blushed and jumped a little, getting him to mumble a quick apology and move his hand to the bed to sit himself up. He finally rested in his previous position and waited for me to continue.

“I think that we can really get along, for more than just an hour, if we both make changes.” I deemed his silence as thoughtful and continued. “I’ll try not to be as pushy if you try to be a little more open.”

He opened his mouth, but I interrupted him.

“I mean, right now… it feels like you meant everything you said, that this is supposed to happen and I’m not left wondering if it’s okay to feel like I want to be with you.” I didn’t exactly want to say that now, but it was too late. That’s what I get for being nervous--I never shut up.

“You think it’s not okay to want to… be with me?” he asked quietly after a moment, not turning to look up at me until I mumbled a ‘yes.’ that’s when his chocolate orbs met mine with intensity and care, something that I wasn’t used to either. “We’re soul mates, Lonnie. I can’t change that, but I honestly don’t think I want to.” I stared down at him in shock, knowing that was hard for him to admit. His eyes continued to stay locked with mine, only this time with a look of nervousness and that same blank look as well.

I smiled shyly and tried to speak, but he wasn’t finished.

“Look,” he breathed, finally turning a little more to see me. His neck was craned so his face was closer to mine, his back pressed a little more into my torso. I blushed at his closeness. “I’ve told you before that I’m not good at this, but I don’t ever want you to feel like I don’t care. If I didn’t care about you Lonnie, I wouldn’t be here right now. And it’s hard for me to admit this…” he trailed off, biting his lip. I waited, leaning in with anticipation. His eyes looked softer, his lips twitching a little, trying to speak. I could feel the connection between us and I wanted him to know that it meant everything to me.

“Admit what?” I urged nervously, rubbing my thigh nervously.

“To admit that I guess I like it when we’re close, too.”

I felt my face light up and my heart beat a little faster. I wanted to scream, but that was completely inappropriate. I didn’t want to scare Nick away, especially not after the way he was already progressing. So I smiled, hoping I didn’t look like a weirdo, and blushed. To my surprise, he smiled back--softly and beautifully.

He pursed his full lips and swallowed hard, leaning forward slowly. I sat still, like a statue, and stared at his beautiful features. He had never leaned in so slowly. His wide eyes seemed so innocent, so eager--like a kid waiting for that one piece of candy. He had once said that I was like a prize and that’s how I felt now, that’s how he was making me feel with one simple look. He leaned back a little more, his breath hitting my lips in a torturing way, making me squirm. My face was hot and I swallowed the lump in my throat. He had never waited this long to kiss me. It was always so rough and fast--not that I was complaining. But this was new. This was… special.

When he finally pushed forward, it was like a current of electricity jolted through me. His lips were soft and shaky, and they barely touched mine, but I could feel it. I could feel his sincerity and the fact that he was scared, and I could feel the way I felt about him all over again. Nick might have been older and stern, and completely blocked off sometimes, but, deep inside, he just needed to find a way to open up. I wanted him to open up to me.

His lips moved against mine slowly, hesitantly, and after a moment of my heart eating at my rib cage, he pulled away. But he didn’t move far, his nose still touching mine and his lips set to hover. I stared into those same wide eyes and opened my mouth to speak, or attempt to, but he quickly interrupted. My eyes widened as he smashed his lips onto mine, pushing me back some, making me fall onto my back. Our lips were detached for only a moment before he twisted around and connected his lips onto mine again, crawling to hover above me. I was completely surprised, my cheeks full out blushing at the way he was acting, but I couldn’t help but be drawn in. I was a teenager; a teenager with crazy hormones; a teenager who was in love with the guy that was kissing her and confusing her to no end. I wouldn’t want it to end.

I tried to pull myself up, but his hands locked my wrists, pushing me down. My back buried itself into the blanket that scrunched up underneath me, my whole body freezing. I wasn’t making him do this. And thank goodness I wasn’t. His lips moved intensely against mine, my eyes still wide and connected with his. Was he trying to prove a point? The way he kissed me said no. Was he trying to save me some how? The way I felt said no. Was he trying to prove he wasn’t jealous by making me realize he was? The fact that it was just us out here in the woods, alone… said no. But his intense eyes did say something: we’d have our differences, but we’d be okay. Nick wanted us to be okay and that’s all I wanted in return.

My eyes fluttered closed and I gasped for air embarrassingly once he pulled up. I tried to pull my arms out of his grasp, but he immediately pushed them back down, securing his position over me. His knees rested on either side of my waist and I could feel his breath on my face, the quiver noticeable. He was losing it more and more as we went along. He was losing his cold attitude and his want to be alone; he was losing his tough domineer and finally opening up to the fact that he was human--despite the whole wolf thing--and that he had emotions that couldn’t be ignore, no matter how hard he tried. He was becoming the Nick that I thought he could be, and I was pleasantly surprised to know that I liked it. I blushed and giggled slightly, opening my eyes again to see his smooth features.

“You’re going soft,” I giggled again, my words breathy. He narrowed his eyes and raised his eyebrows, shaking his head with his soft curls bouncing.

“I am not.”

“Yes you are,” I grinned, doing my best to sit up once he was distracted, but, apparently, he wasn’t having any of that.

He quickly snaked his arm around my waist, using his other hand to grip the back of my head. I melted at the feeling of just his arms around me, my body shutting off to let my mind reel and my heart race. My breath hitched as soon as he pulled me forward, his head moving at the same pace. Our lips connected and his kiss was almost frantic, like the ones from the 1950’s movies. I felt my heart leap and I let a squeal escape into his mouth. That’s when his tongue slid in, circling around mine, almost massaging it. Was I going to pass out? I was surprised when I didn’t. He was… taking this seriously, the kiss being a mixture of so many things. And I felt like the typical girl, with my mind screaming: HE’S MAKING OUT WITH YOU. I think I died a little, especially when he didn’t pull away.

He pushed his weight onto me, pushing me down without removing his hand from my waist, and continued to move his lips over mine. He moved up for air, leaving my mouth gaping open, but only for a moment before he pushed back down quickly. I didn’t understand what had gotten into him and I frankly didn’t care. It was just… nerve-wracking. Tomorrow morning was only a few hours away. What if he completely pushed all of this away? What if he got back into one of his moods? I definitely wouldn’t be able to take it now. I’d break down and beg him to just stay open with me. I’d just have to wait and see, but right now… his lips moving so frantically against mine and the fact that I couldn’t breathe was the thing that occupied my rapidly moving mind.

Before I knew what was happening, his mouth pulled off mine, his eyes clouded over with something I didn’t recognize, and he heaved a deep breath. His arm pulled way from my waist and his hand released my hair. His hands slid down to my waist, making me shake. I stared at him with wide, naïve eyes, my mouth hanging open with exaggerated breaths. His head ducked down and his mouth connected to my jaw line, his lips gliding over my skin smoothly. I shivered and felt like I couldn’t move, wondering what exactly I was thinking. And then his lips met my neck and I jumped a little.

I… liked this. So much. But… I wasn’t ready for that. Was I?

He pulled away abruptly, his eyes widening in realization, and released his grip on me. I blinked in surprise and confusion, taking in what just happened. Was that real? Was that mind-blowing kiss real? That wasn’t just a kiss, but was it real? And then I stared up at Nick, who looked even more frightened than ever, and I wondered if he was real.

I reached my shaky hand upward, the places where he had his fingers now red, and I placed it on his smooth cheek. I probably looked like a deer caught in headlights, my eyes wide and my mouth hanging open, but I didn’t care. I took a shaky breath a and did my best to stay calm, wondering what he was thinking.

“What are you doing?” he asked quickly, his voice hard and slightly husky. So much for staying calm.

“Are-are you real?” I muttered slowly, my voice barely above a whisper. I could hear the wind picking up outside but I ignored it almost all thoughts disappearing.

“I wish I wasn’t,” he choked, jumping up suddenly. I moved myself up as well, though I was no where near as quick as he was. I sat on the edge of the bed, raising my knees up to my chest, swallowing hard again. My fingers raked through my hair nervously and I looked up at his pacing figure through my eyelashes, biting my lip.

“What do you mean?” I whispered, trying to comprehend his words. Did he regret it already? Was that what I was to him? A regret? I told myself not to think that and remember what he had said earlier and the way it felt when he just kissed me--that wasn’t a way you treated a regret. I crossed that off my list of worries, leaving only a few hundred more, and waited for him to speak.

His hands clutched at his curls, something I noticed that he did when he was nervous, and he stopped moving, leaning up against the dresser at the foot of the bed. He wasn’t far from me and I could still take in his calming scent.

“This isn’t right.”

“What isn’t right? Please, don’t start another argument. I’m tired of fighting with you.” My voice was weak and definitely pleading, and I took another glance at him. His eyes were swimming with emotions, letting me know he was debating what to do. Nick: always so logical.

“You just don’t get it…” he sighed, shaking his head.

“What don’t I get? If you want to take back what you said, then just do it already! I’m not going to pretend with you Nick. I’m fifteen years old; I’m a teenager and, believe it or not, so are you. Why don’t you start acting like one?”

“I don’t want to take back what I said so just drop that already, and what are you talking about? I do act like a teenager.”

“Liar!” I shouted, crossing my arms like a child. “You act like you’re my chaperone. Well, I’m into older guys and everything, but you keep bouncing back and forth. Nick the teenager, Nick the old man; Nick the teenager, Nick the adult. When are you going to just be yourself around me?” He let out a deep breath and tried to calm himself, keeping his eyes locked on me. He looked so confused. “Look Nick, I get it. I get that you’ve done adult things and that you have lots of responsibilities, but I’m not one of them. I’m your partner, your soul mate. I’m supposed to help, not be added stress, and that’s how your treating me. When you bounce back and forth between how you act with me, or even how you feel about me, it hurts. It’s either you want me, or you don’t. You either like spending time with me, or you hate it. You either love me, or wish you could take it back. Could you make up your mind right now? Please?”

I was lucky that I could talk so much when I was desperate, it usually helped in sticky situations. But Nick was different and it seemed to make him even more irritable. I sighed and looked down at my hands, finding that playing with the hem of my shirt was now interesting.

“This isn’t about the way I feel about you; it has nothing to do with us.” So there was an ‘us.’ Interesting… “I do… want you,” he muttered, slightly confused by what that meant. “And I do like spending time with you. And I-” he stopped abruptly, seeming to choke on his words. He looked away for a moment, drumming his fingers against the old wood as I watched him eagerly, my eyes boring into him. “I’m sorry for treating you like you don’t matter or like your feelings don’t exist, I really am,” he breathed, still looking down, drawing random shapes into the split wood. That’s where his focus was, his cheeks now a light shade of red. “I’m sorry for stringing you along with the way I do things and I’ll try to be better at this.”

“Get better at… what?” I muttered, confused now.

He stopped his aimless finger patterns and looked up, propping his elbows on the dresser to hold his head in his hands. He watched me.

“At everything, at us,” he finally answered, his voice soft, almost blending in with all the silence around. The darkness took over the room from the open window, the small lamp barely illuminating far enough out for me to see him. “I think the only way to do that is… if…” He was struggling with words now, his eyebrows furrowing and his body fidgeting slightly. I waited impatiently, eager for him to finish. “we try… dating.”

My heart exploded at the word, like those shows where something blows up and you see a huge explosion: that was happening in my chest, as pathetic as it sounded, and the butterflies returned--only this time, their wings had grown 10 feet. I swallowed hard. He looked so out of element saying this and I breathed deeply, cracking my knuckles.

“R-really?” I breathed, trying not to smile. I was both nervous and excited, quickly glancing up to see him nod. “So… are you going to ask me then?”

“Uh, right,” he muttered, pushing himself away from the dresser. He sauntered over to me and sat down on the edge of the bed. I gave him a look and he quickly scooted closer, hesitantly lifting his hand to grab mine. But once they connected, he relaxed.

“Just… go ahead and ask,” I smiled encouragingly. The truth was, my nerves were even greater than his. I knew he could feel it and it seemed to make him a little more sure.

“Lonnie, I know that, sooner or later, we’d have to try dating and right now seems to be the best time. I’ll try to work things out instead of yelling or pushing you away, and I just want you to know that I don’t want you to go anywhere. So, umm, would you like to try to be my girlfriend?”

How sweet was he? I immediately smiled and nodded, giving his hand a squeeze. To my surprise, he smiled back, but immediately tried to stand.

“Nick,” I cleared my throat, getting him to sink back down, turning his head to face me with a sheepish smile. My heart fluttered for the millionth time.

“Yeah?” he asked softly, using his other hand to rub the back of his neck, his eyes still connected with mine.

“What exactly does this entitle? Us dating, I mean.” I needed to be clear on my boundaries.

“Oh,” he breathed, sucking in a deep breath afterwards, thinking. “I don’t know… we already hold hands and kiss.” That was true.

“But now you have to act like you like it,” I teased, getting him to chuckle a bit.

“I’m not going to act like anything. I do like being close to you, it just makes me nervous.”

“Why?” How could I make him nervous? I was completely harmless.

“Because you look at me with those eyes, just like your doing right now, and it makes me feel guilty about not being closer to you.”

I looked away quickly and bit my lip, shrugging it off. Guilt worked a lot, but I didn’t want to guilt him into anything. Or manipulate him. I wanted us to grow together because we got along and needed each other.

“And it makes me feel like I want to be,” he continued, lacing his fingers with mine. I caught his eye and saw his nervous smile, trying to calm the tingles my glow was creating.

“Does that mean you’re going to be kissing me like you did a while ago?” I gulped, watching a sly smirk covering his full lips.

“Why? Did you like it?”

I blushed, rolling my eyes to try and cover up my embarrassment, but I knew I did. I nodded.

“We’ll have to talk about this some other time. Tomorrow’s a busy day and we need some sleep.”

He pulled his hands away from mine and kicked off his shoes, deciding he was too lazy to change. So was I. I crawled after him as he settled by the wall, fixing the pillow underneath his head. I stayed on my knees and peered down at him, admiring his beauty. He sighed.

“Come on,” he muttered, opening is arms. I squealed a little, earning a laugh from him, and quickly plopped myself next to him, rolling over to rest my head on his chest. His fast beating heart occupied my hearing and my eyes fluttered closed, my nose inhaling his scent deeply. His arms wrapped around me and I snuggled closer to him, hoping it would always be this way.

“Lonnie,” he whispered, his voice low. I jumped a little, feeling myself blush from my eagerness for him to continue.

“Hmm?” I yawned, locking myself onto him. He didn’t jerk away, which was a good thing.

“Are you going to tell anyone? About us?”

“Umm… no?” I muttered, my voice squeaking a little.

[&&light]

“You are??” Anna gasped, her eyes wide. I stood by my locker, hugging my binder close to my chest, and nodded slowly. “Oh my gosh! I knew it would happen. I so knew it.”

If Nick asks, in my defense, she guessed. She said it was because I had some goofy look on my face. I deemed it his fault: maybe he shouldn’t kiss me in the morning, I don’t care how quick it was--it still did damage to my emotions, rocketing them off into space until I was mush.

“You knew what?” Josh muttered, coming up behind her. His eyes locked mine and he offered a bright smile, one I tried my best to return, but all I could see was the way he felt about me and I felt guilty. He had missed the kiss in the cafeteria, but he’d hear about it soon enough from Anna.

“Nick Jonas and Lonnie are dating. Can you believe that?” she grinned, shutting her locker loudly.

“Anna, don’t tell anybody!” I hissed, biting my lip. Josh looked entirely blank, his eyes boring into mine. And he looked… hurt. I swallowed, my throat dry, and played with the ends of my hair.

“She… is? You are?” he asked quickly, making me look at him. I instantly regretted it, his anger present.

“Well?” I questioned, half-smiling nervously. He shook his head, looking between the two of us. Running his fingers through his hair, he clutched his backpack strap until his knuckles turned white and spun around, darting down the hall. I glanced at a now apologetic Anna and quickly followed him. “Josh. Josh, wait!” I breathed, finally catching up as he stopped by the door, crossing his arms.

“Why: can I just ask that? I told you I liked you and that I wanted you to give me a shot… but you go and start dating that weirdo senior?”

“He’s not a weirdo, you don’t even know him.”

“And you do!?” he shouted. Everyone seemed to glance over for a moment, some continuing to stare. Way to keep it private.

“Yeah, actually. I do. And I’d appreciate it if you stayed out of my business!”

I quickly stormed away, pushing open the classroom door to find it empty, except for a few kids in the back, studying. I sighed heavily and glanced over at Mr. Cornell sat at his desk, his eyes meeting mine from behind his glasses. He smiled politely.

“That was quite a scene out there, Miss Stewart,” he commented. He seemed interested to know.

Mr. Cornell wasn’t like other teachers. He was kind and funny, and he seemed to genuinely care. It felt like I could talk to him, like I wanted to talk to him. He reminded me of my dad… I missed him. I wanted to see him again, soon.

“Yeah,” I breathed, looking down to my feet. My vans held mud from our walk here, my hands still a little tingly from where Nick held his grip. I wished he wasn’t a senior. The good think was that, while he was out of school next year and I was only a sophomore, we’d still have to be together. Thank you soul mate rule. I had to learn more about that.

“You look a little troubled, friend issues?”

“More like boy issues,” I muttered, snorting at just the thought.

“Well… do you want to talk about it? I’m no counselor, but I’m a good ear,” he chuckled, putting his apple down. I smiled, perking up some.

“Really? Um, sure. Thanks.” I quickly walked over and pulled a chair out, sitting down next to his desk, close enough to whisper. He crossed his arms and moved the picture frame to the side, getting a better look at me. I paused. “Is that your wife?” I smiled, pointing to the picture of a young woman, her smile bright. His wasn’t, however. I frowned.

“Yes. She passed away a few years ago,” he whispered, sorrow in his voice.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“It’s alright Lonnie,” he chuckled, snapping out of his mood. “She was a wonderful woman and I miss her, but I’ve learned not to dwell on the past.” I nodded slowly, glancing down to my hands. “Now what about this boy trouble of yours?”

“Right. Umm, Josh and Nick-”

“Josh Singer, from my class? And Nick Jonas the senior?” I was surprised he knew of Nick--he hadn’t been her long and he was a long ways away from freshman teachers. He smiled when I nodded. “Nick Jonas is a very bright boy. We talk about him at our teachers meetings, and you too. Coach says he saw you two a couple times, acting friendly. But that’s really none of my business,” he chuckled when I blushed. “I didn’t know you were fond of either.”

“I’m not,” I blurted, rubbing my arm. “I mean, I am… but just of one.”

“Nicholas,” he stated knowingly. I nodded shyly, sighing heavily.

“Josh is a good friend and now he’s mad because of Nick and I…”

“Well, what do you plan on doing? Staying with Nick, I hope.” I was surprised to hear Mr. Cornell say that. I smiled to myself.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I like Nick… a lot,” I breathed a shaky laugh, not wanting to exactly tell him that I was in love with him or that we were witch and wolf soul mates. “and Josh is a good friend, but he doesn’t understand how I feel. I know Nick. I’ve spent a lot of time with him and Josh isn’t understanding that.”

“Well, in all fairness, you can’t lead Josh on. I know Mr. Singer and he can be very ignorant sometimes. All the while you were vying for Nick, he was probably hoping you were vying for him. If you want to stay with Nick and keep up your friendship with Josh, you’ll have to tell them both about your feelings. Josh will understand and keep your friendship, while nothing will come between you and Nick.”

Simple. Now if only I could get Nick talk to Josh. Wouldn’t he do it? For me?

“Thanks Mr. Cornell,” I smiled, sighing.

“Sometimes it helps just to get things off your chest. You’re a bright girl Lonnie and I enjoy your company. You can talk to me anytime.”

I smiled and nodded, quickly pushing the chair back to it’s rightful place as the bell rang. I hadn’t noticed how many people had piled in, including Josh and Anna. I just wanted to go to lunch to sit with Nick and explain things to him. Not even dating for 10 hours and already people were upset.

But I knew Nick would make me feel better.