Walk Right Through Him; He's Not Really There.

I sat down at my desk after a long day at work. My twenty year old body is not used to this, but work was a way to take my mind off him. Though it still raced and my heart still pounded, ached, longed to be out of my chest. Longing to be with him again and erase this horrid feeling. Everything reminded me of him, and that was taking its toll.

I pulled out a piece of light green paper and let my mind think over what I could write. There was an array of things I wanted to say, but they wouldn’t come out. They wouldn’t be released to help rid this, almost unbearable, pain coursing its way through my veins. I needed a break, a break from my head which constantly ended up with an ache. It wasn’t my fault this is how it turned out to be.

My pen barely hit the paper before I began scribbling line after line. My mind was working wonders to get this written on the delicate paper. I huffed, crumbled it up into a ball, and tossed it in the trash. It just wouldn’t suffice. My head sunk down and I thought. I thought and thought, but it didn’t take long. Moments later, I was back to writing my heart out on a new sheet to be neater.

Dear Abel,

My heart still wrenches at the thought of a love like yours. No one can compare to what you made me feel or how you’d do things so gracefully. No one can compare to your sense of style and they way you made me laugh. No one can touch that uniqueness that you so skillfully handed out. No one can touch the kindness or compassion you had for people.

No one compares to you.

It’s not fair, you not being here right now. You broke my heart very bad and you’ll never know what it did to me. Now all I do is think about you. You stay in my mind, my heart, and in my life, yet you don’t even have to be here. You don’t have to been within a gazillion miles of me, but I can’t break that trance you had me in. That trance of pure bliss.

I remember the day we met. The sun was shining bright, and the day was hot as ever. The summer had just swarmed over us. You walked up to me and showed me the white, perfect smile. I wasn’t sure whether to be alarmed or excited, but one happened to take over. We ended up at the beach, laughing and enjoying the time we had spent together. It was that day I knew we were prefect for each other.

I remember our first date. The sun was shining as the sun baked our already tanned skin. We were going to have dinner a movie, just like all those other cliché dates. When it was with you though, it was so much better. You were cautious too; you never tried anything. You put your arm around me during the movie, and kissed me goodnight at my doorstep.

I even remember our conversations from that night. We talked about everything and anything. When the subject of “ex’s” came about, you took a great liking to me never having a boyfriend. You said you didn’t understand why a girl like me didn’t have someone on my arm. I never told you why. I regret that choice now, because I’ll never have a chance. I’ll just say it; I never let anyone in, except you that is. We talked about movies, music, our interests, etc. Soon, there was just nothing left to say. I think we connected that night, and it really proved a basis for our relationship.

I remember the day you took my hand and held it tight as can be as I overcame my fear of roller coasters. You told me everything would be okay, and that I was going to make it through okay. The first turn, I screamed bloody murder while you laughed at me. As the ride progressed, my screams died and my smile was wide. You spoke first after the ride, “That was amazing.” You don’t even know how amazing it was. Your hand in mine and your smile at me just had me weak in the knees. I blamed the roller coaster for my tummy ache, but it was really those butterflies you created like spontaneous combustion.

I remember the first time you said, “I love you.” My heart swelled and my mind went blank. I was more in shock than anything. I didn’t speak for a few moments, but you waited patiently for my reply. I was stuck; the words wouldn’t escape my mouth. I finally got the courage to mutter a response, and “I’m not ready for that,” was just it. When you didn’t leave, just nodded as if you understood, I knew we would make it this far and be happy with it.

I remember the day I met your parents, and vice versa. You had a rocky relationship with them because they never accepted what you had to offer. It was never enough for them. I never asked, but was I good enough for them? If you are not, I’m not, because you are far greater than me. My parents, on the other hand, were more accepting. They took you in as if you were their own kid, their son, and gave you the love you never got. They knew I would be with you forever.

I thought so too.

I remember when we moved into your apartment together. I packed tons of stuff, and we didn’t have room for it all. After we laid in bed for hours not doing a thing, we decided that stuff I didn’t need would be packed away. We ended up giving it to GoodWill Industries. That’s the type of person you were, always so giving but not keen on receiving.

I remember when you got down on one knee and said, “Will you marry me?” It was at the beach, with a little while table and two chairs in the sand where the water barely touched our feet. The table was lit by a tiny, single red candle. It was so romantic. You said dress casual, so I wrote jeans and my favorite green shirt. You had on khaki shorts with a yellow shirt. Together we looked like a bright blob, together we looked in love. Your brown eyes stared up at me anxious for an answer. I barely uttered, “yes” out of my mouth before your lips covered mine.

Do you remember it baby?

I remember our last day together, our very last day. You took me to a field filled with yellow flowers, my favorite. The beautiful summer was coming to a close, and fall was upon us. I wore a black strapless dress, and tried to look as gorgeous as can be. You didn’t have to try; a t-shirt and jeans made you look wonderful. I envy that quality you had. You took my hand in yours, uttered, “I love you” and we danced to absolutely no music. It was a romantic moment; one I knew made us only grow closer together. “I have to go to Vegas for work sweetie, I leave tomorrow.” I thought nothing of it, but looking back, I wish you wouldn’t have gone.

I remember when I heard the news, I didn’t even blink. I was so shocked into oblivion that my heart couldn’t handle it. I passed out right there on the living room floor. I was awaked later and the first word out of my mouth was, “Abel.” I had to hear the news all over again and my heart still couldn’t handle it.

And later that day, when I arrived back at our apartment, I barely moved for weeks. The thought of not having you around sickened me. The thought made me wish that I was wherever you are, because living without you seemed impossible.

If tomorrow hadn’t come, you’d still be making me smile with all you have in you. You’d still be making me laugh until I couldn’t breathe. You’d still be holding me in your arms when we woke up in the morning. If tomorrow had never come, you’d be holding my hand and kissing me senseless. You’d still be whispering in my ear every chance you got that you loved me.

If tomorrow never came, you’d still be here with me.

What I wouldn’t do to get those days back. I would trade all the things I don’t even have just to spend one more day, one more day with you. I don’t care if it hurt afterward Abel; I just need you here with me one more time. I would try to relive the moments that made me feel as if heaven was a place on earth, a place with you. I would try to make everything seem better. Abel, even if it were here one day and gone the next. Even if the heartbreak happened all over again, I’d do anything for you.

Forever and For Always, Millie.
PS. I love you.

I stared at it and tried to smooth out the tear stained paper. It was the same every time. It was like my mind acting upon déjà vu. I gathered my composure and wiped my wet cheeks as I stood. The envelope was a solid ivory color with Abel scrawled out on the front in delicate, yet neat lettering. I stuffed it in my purse, but made sure not to fold or crumple it. It had to be perfect; my feelings had to be perfect.

I walked for miles, a destination clear in mind. The day was dull, but no rain fell from the dark clouds. There was not a soul in sight as I continued on my path down the sidewalk, which was covered in snow. I soon came upon by place of desire, and more tears fell from my eyes. It seems I cannot make them stop. I would stop the world to be with him again.

I walked slowly up to the grave. Abel Lindsey Rayce was printed on the top of the tombstone with the date of birth and death written carefully underneath. “A man who won't die for something is not fit to live,” was written clearly on the next line. Below the quote was, “loving son, brother, friend, and fiancé”. I felt my heart sink into my stomach.

That was my fiancé.

I couldn’t even begin to explain the emotions that poured through my body. It was all centered around sadness, though a bit of anger was present as well. How could he leave me like that? My heart was dying like a withering rose that was just fine for too long; one that survived through a heavy storm, but didn’t have the drive to go on. That was me, surviving through the heavy storm called life, and without you here, not having the drive to go on. That was everyday life for me.

As I let sobs ripple though my body, I placed the letter on top of the snow and his grave. It was my way of remembering him. Every time I came back to this place, my letter is gone. Somewhere deep inside me, I almost hoped it was him that was reading it, but I knew otherwise. It was probably the cleaners picking up the trash. They probably thought the letter I always put so much thought and time in, was trash.

I couldn’t let him go, I never would. People always say you never forget your first love, and three years later, I haven’t. I can’t even bring myself to go out with a new guy because all I think about is Abel. He was just one of a kind, and I’m happy I got to experience it; I just wish I could have had it for a little bit longer. I wish he was still here to reassure me everything was going to be okay.

It was inevitable though, he was gone.