Dirty Little Secret

“Do you want to know the sex of the baby?”

I stared at the screen in amazement. I’d never been to an ultrasound before, let alone my own. I could only make out a small white blob amongst the black background. I still had a hard time imagining that something was actually living within me. My mom squeezed my hand in encouragement and I remembered to answer the doctor.

“Yes, please.”

I felt her move the cold metal instrument across my showing belly. “Well, from the looks of it, you’re going to be having a little baby girl.”

My mom gasped. “I’m going to have a granddaughter.”

I laughed. “I’m gonna have a daughter.”

“Congratulations.” Dr. Michaels smiled. “I hope this isn’t too personal, but may I ask where the father is?”

My body tensed up. “Uhm, he’s not in the picture.”

I think she felt my discomfort because she immediately changed the subject. “That’s too bad, but I’m happy to say that you have a pretty healthy baby. Your next appointment will be in five weeks.”

“Thank you,” my mom answered for me.

Twenty minutes later, we arrived at a small café down the road. I was eating a lot more now since I was officially eating for two. My mom waved the waiter over and ordered us drinks.

“So how do you feel?”

“Like this isn’t real,” I answered, “It just feels like this is a dream and that I’m gonna wake up any second.”

“I know how you feel.” I knew she did. She too was a teenage mother at a point in her life. She had me when she was nineteen. At least my dad stuck around after that. My little girl would never know who her dad is. Hell, I don’t even know who he is.

The waiter dropped off our drinks at our table and left after taking our orders.

“I still can’t believe I’m going to be a grandmother.”

I laughed. “Well, believe it mom, because the baby’s coming in five short months.”

“So,” she said, “About the dad.”

I looked down at my hands. “Do we really have to talk about this?”

She ignored me and continued without interruption. “I think I’ve found him.”

I nearly choked on my own spit. “You what?!”

“I think I know who he is now,” she said with a shrug of her shoulders like it had little importance.

I picked up my fork and dug into the plate of pasta in front of me. “So?”

“So what?” My mom took a bite of her salad.

I set my fork down, exasperated. “What’s his name?”

“I thought we could wait until we got home to talk about the details.”

I rolled my eyes. “You expect me to drop the subject when you bring up the fact that you may or may not know who the father of my baby is? I wanna know now!”

Okay, I was being a little bitchy but I had a completely plausible excuse. I’m pregnant for fucks sake. I was already experiencing the mood swings. Who knew what two months from now would be like?

I heard the middle aged woman in front of me sigh. “If you insist.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a deep breath. “No. Never mind. I agree that we should get home before we start discussing this. I don’t want people to be around when I start freaking out.”

“You’re a really indecisive person, you know that, right?” She chuckled.

I laughed. “I got it from you, after all.”

The rest of our lunch was filled with casual talk and bad jokes on her part. The ride home was when I started to get impatient. My leg was bouncing and my heart rate became significantly faster. I could tell my mom noticed because she actually changed the radio to my liking in hopes of me calming down.

Once we pulled into my driveway, I tried to get out of the car as quickly as possible but my showing belly prevented me from doing that.

“Let me help you, honey,” my mom offered, but I waved her off.

“I can get out myself.” After a bit of struggling, I finally made it out of the car and hurried to unlock my front door. I left my bag on the small table by the door and plopped down on the couch.

“Okay, spill.”

Sometimes it felt like my mom was more of a best friend than anything. She never scolded me for staying out late or having sex before marriage because I know she went through the same thing when she was my age. She told me that it was only fair that she let me figure things out myself and learn from my mistakes.

She grabbed my charging laptop from the coffee table and opened it up. “I found out that he’s in a band called All Time Low. Supposedly, they’re big around here since Baltimore is their hometown.”

I crossed my legs. “You mean, there’s a possibility that he could be living right next door at this very moment?”

“Don’t be paranoid,” she said, still typing away on the keyboard, “It’s not good for the baby.”

“It’s not good for the baby,” I mocked.

I saw her roll her eyes and continue scanning the screen in front of her. “Got it!”

“Got what?”

She swiveled the laptop and almost shoved it in my face. “The picture of him.”

That was the moment when everything stopped moving. I recognized him easily as the tall lanky one in the group of four. While his hair was slightly messier, it was nonetheless the same. He was exactly what I remembered. Not that it really mattered anyway. It wasn’t like I had actual feelings for him. Still, I couldn’t help but think the inevitable ‘what if?’

What if he hadn’t left the next day? What if he stayed around and found out that he was fathering a child? What if he didn’t want it? What then?

“Holly?”

I turned my attention back to my mother’s expectant eyes. “Yeah?”

“I was asking you if you wanted to know his name,” she said.

I nodded. “Of course.”

She scrolled down the page. “It says here that his full name is Jack Bassam Barakat and he’s currently 21 years old.”

I raised my eyebrows. “So, what do we do now that we know his name?”

She smiled mischievously. “We stalk him, of course.”

It’s official. My mom is insane.