The Loneliness Is Killing Me

I directed my gaze to the window that shone light through, to my entire room. I felt his presence close in around me. The scent of the cologne he used to wear wafted into my nose, and I felt my throat constrict. I couldn’t hold back any more, my heart hurt, and I wished that he wasn’t dead. I felt my heart beat faster as I screamed loudly, my cries in pain muffled by the loud blaring of my stereo speakers, the song On Top Of The World by Boys Like Girls played on repeat.

My heart is empty without you,
Sometimes I don’t know what to do,
And I need you tonight,
I’ll fall asleep and it’s alright,
Close my eyes and I’ll be by your side…

The only real friend I had, the only real friend I would ever deserve. Oliver, my best friend, died yesterday, and I didn’t even get the chance to tell him goodbye. His life ended right before it could even begin.

“All the color of my world has disappeared since you died,” I whispered, tears threatening, “I thought you knew I was terrified of being alone...” I was speaking to no one, only the walls around me could hear my cries.

I heard a soft knock at my door, “Honey, are you alright?” it was my mom, probably coming in to check on me. I got up and rubbed the tears out of my eyes, the door opened and my mom rushed over to comfort me. She knew he died. How? I don’t really know for sure, but she knew.

Her embrace somehow comforted me. The warmth she emitted made me feel better and worse at the same time. That tight hug she gave me was a reminder that I was alive and Oliver wasn’t. I didn’t think it was fair.

“Leave me alone.” I begged. I can’t bare this feeling.
“Laila…” I heard my mom whisper; she rubbed my back, still hugging me.
“I said get out!” I sobbed, pushing her off of me, “I don’t deserve any of this. I want to be dead.” My mom looked at me with terrified eyes, and walked out of my bedroom, crying.

There I was, alone again. I stood against the wall and bawled, sliding down to the ground to sit in the fetal position, face in my hands.

After two hours of crying, I heard my phone ring, a distinct ringtone, Oliver’s ringtone.

“Hello?” I heard Milo’s voice on the end of the line.
“Why are you using Ollie’s phone?” I asked, confused. He had a phone of his own.
“I was afraid that you wouldn’t pick up the phone if I called.” His voice low and slurred, he had gotten drunk again, or at least it sounded like it.
“You were right. I thought I told you to leave me alone, bastard.” My words sharper than I had intended.
“Please d-don’t hang up, I-I need you…” He sounded like he was crying.
“Why, Milo?” I felt the rage build up inside me, It’s all your fault he’s dead. I thought, clenching my fists tightly.
“Because… Because I lo-” I hung up before he could finish lying to me. He was only saying that so he could feel better. He was such a fucked up liar, and I hated him. I don’t give a shit if he was my best friend’s brother.

The phone rang again, and it was Milo, I quickly ignored the call and put my cell on silent. I couldn’t hear that ringtone again.

My heartbeat hastened, and I felt my lips begin to chap as my breathing shortened. No, not this feeling of terror, I felt myself become nauseous and my hands tremble. Monophobia; the fear of being alone, and I was most definitely alone.

I needed to get out, to escape. Maybe the fresh air would do me some good.

“Where do you think you’re going?” My mom’s voice rang in my ear, I looked at her sitting at her desk, on her laptop.
“I’m going out, so please, don’t try to stop me. I just need some time. I’ll be back later.” Without another word, I walked outside and shut the door behind me.

◦ ◦ ◦ ◦

I got to the park a few blocks from my house and sat on a swing. Looking around I found myself alone, yet again, and I became fearful.

“Oliver… Why’d you have to leave me?” I asked myself, staring down at my scuffed up converse. He signed them at the end of eighth grade year. ‘OLIVER WAS HERE BITCHEZ.’ was written on the foot of my left shoe, and as I read it over and over, I felt a warm tear roll down my face. Remembering that day he signed my shoe made me smile.

“You’re such a dork,” He giggled, “Let me see your shoe.”
“Fine, but no profanity mister,” I smiled and brought my foot up to take off my shoe. As he wrote those words, I fought the laughter within me. I don’t know what it was about him that made me laugh, but it was only him. Milo never made me feel this way, and I used to ‘love’ the guy, whatever this ‘love’ is.
“Done,” He smiled and showed me the shoe with his weird writing. On the side was something I couldn’t read, the words were so small and written so sloppily.
“What does that say?” I asked, pointing to the small writing.
“I won’t tell you. But, you do need a magnifying glass to read it.” He moved the abundance of hazel colored hair out of my face and kissed my forehead. I knew this was goodbye.
“Where are you going?” I asked, beginning to panic.
“Home,” He looked at me, as if to reassure me that he wasn’t leaving forever. That look gave me some type of hope.
“Don’t leave… Please, Ollie.” My voice shaky, I reached out and grabbed his arm.
“Laila, I’m not leaving forever, and you know that. So please, stop worrying. I’ll call you when I finish my homework.” He breathed, “I promise.”
“Okay, but pinky promise.” I smiled and held out my pinky, “You break this promise, I’ll be mad at you.”
“Okay, okay,” He wrapped his pinky in mine and squeezed it as tight as he could.
“Ouch!” I laughed, and he put his arm around my shoulder.
“I won’t break our promises. So, don’t ever make that as an excuse to be angry with me.” He explained, and took his arm away, turned around and left me sitting on my back porch alone.

◦ ◦ ◦ ◦

I looked down at the side of my shoe to see if the horrid writing was still there, and to my surprise, it was. I looked closer this time. Taking off my shoe, I practically had it millimeters from my face. I read the words, and dropped the shoe to the ground. ‘I’m always with you, Laila, so don’t be afraid anymore. I love you. ♥’ I could almost here him say those words, over and over in my mind. I began to sob into my hands. Feeling the weight being lifted, I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to be alone, I hated being alone. I always feared Oliver leaving me, but what hurt the most was when I actually did. I’ve lost him, and I hate it.

He was the only one I felt safe with, the only one I could trust. And now he’s dead.

“I know you miss him,” A familiar voice invaded my thoughts, Milo’s voice.
“Leave me alone.” I hated how he could just look at me and know what was wrong.
“You know, I loved my brother as much as you did.” He whispered.
“Shut up, you’re a fucking liar. You killed him,” I began to cry even more.
“No, you know who killed him Laila,” He began, I heard his footsteps get closer, “That semi truck hit him, and he died that same day at the hospital.”
I hated how much he was right, but he was wrong at the same time.
“No,” I heaved, “He wouldn’t have stormed off if you and he hadn’t gotten into that stupid fight, over me.”
“I know, I was wrong for that, but he… He was going to do something stupid, and I-I just told him not to do it.” He sighed, putting his hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off.
“What was he going to do, Milo?” I looked at him, and tears welled up again.
“He was going to tell you…” He trailed off, seeing as I was crying again.
“Just leave,” I said, my voice frigid, I glared at him, knowing what he was going to say.
“I- I’m so sorry Laila. I really am.” He muttered before leaving me at the swings, alone. I walked over to the big field of daisies behind the park, deep in the forest.

There were so many possibilities of what Ollie might have wanted to tell me, I just didn’t know which.

Oliver was always the guy that protected me, and helped me out when I needed him most. He was always so sweet, and humorous. Everything about him, made me love him even more, made me miss him even more. I kept thinking about him as I sat down in the middle of the field, the fragrance of the daisies intoxicated me. I fell asleep, and I dreamt of the boy I missed the most.

◦ ◦ ◦ ◦

I got home before the rain got heavier, and went straight to my room. I grabbed a towel from the closet and made my way to the bathroom. I slipped off my clothes, and turned the knob in the shower, I let the hot water scald my skin, and breathed in the steam, I felt relaxed.

As soon as I got out of the shower, I walked back to my room and saw something on top of my dresser, a magnifying glass, a beautiful silver necklace, and a yellow daisy, my favorite flower.
“Milo dropped them off,” My mom said, handing me a note too, “And this too.”
I reluctantly opened up the neatly folded sheet of paper.

Oliver got the necklace for you, it was supposed to be for your birthday, it all was. He was going to do all this neat stuff, but, of course, now he can’t. So, I’m giving you this stuff, because I guess you need some type of closure. I don’t know.
You know why he might have wanted to give you the magnifying glass. And the necklace was supposed to symbolize your beauty. It’s a one of a kind James Avery. We both chipped in to get it for you. The diamond in the middle of the rose had some type of special meaning, but Oliver never got the chance to tell you, or me for that matter. And… Now the daisy was just my idea, I remembered how much you loved them, and I also got it in his favorite color too.
I guess this is just my way of trying to help, or something.

P.s. I’m sorry for everything, and I love you. So, please, just try and forgive me, and Ollie.

Sincerely,
Milo Marciano

The piece of paper fell to the ground and I directed my gaze toward the dresser.

He remembered.

I felt a smile creep across my mouth. All of this, is so, so ironic. My best friend, and his brother, had to die in order for him to realize that he was a dick. Whatever.

I slunk over to my bed and fell atop it, the pillow felt soft against my tan skin; I remember when Milo stayed the night because I wouldn’t let him leave after my parents left on some second honeymoon. We laughed and stayed up super late.

It was surprising how these memories kept me from going so far off the edge, and just having a total breakdown. They kept me from taking my own life.

Oliver always told me that he would never leave, and that as soon as he gathered up enough cash, he and I would run away, from everything. We would run away to live in some small town, and be happy together. I was always ready to leave, seeing as I hated this sleepy town that him and I lived in, and shared with the people we despised.

I’m beginning to realize that I need to let him go, or else I won’t be happy, and I want to fulfill my promise to him; to always have a smile on my beautiful face, and never let something that anyone says bring me down.

I’m going to try my best, for you, Oliver John Brown. May you rest in peace, and I promise that I’ll see you in the next life.