I See You Lying Next To Me

I was sitting in the hotel lounge, completely out of view of the main doors but I could see clear enough who was coming and going. I’d been waiting ages for Gerard and now suddenly there he was, so gorgeous, entering the hotel and looking very happy.

I knew where he’d been.

With her.

Kitty.

This was what I had been dreading.

**

It had been two years since he’d been with Kitty, two years where I’d hoped that I could get together with him. Well I had, in a roundabout way. I’d got to know him as best I could but always hated that far away look on Gerard’s face that he had sometimes because I knew that he was thinking about Kitty when he had that look. Thinking about Kitty and not me.

I remembered the first time I’d met him. Alicia had asked me along for a weekend when they were doing a few gigs. I’d heard about this band, My Chemical Romance and Alicia travelled with Mikey as often as she could and kept on saying that I must come out and meet everyone and that I’d love it.

So I did. I took time off from cutting old ladies’ hair and went for the weekend.

They were in a tour bus then, rarely did they stay in hotels because they couldn’t afford it. Mikey and Alicia slept together, always and I just presumed that all the other guys were single as I hadn’t heard otherwise.

Alicia said that there was a put you up type of bed out in the lounge of the bus and it was fine with everyone that I could sleep on that for the weekend and they looked forward to meeting me.

It was much larger in the tour bus than I thought it would be and as Alicia and Mikey led me into the lounge area I saw him.

He was sitting there at the table, drawing something and smoking a cigarette.

I always hated smoking, hated it but for him, this guy in front of me with the long black hair who looked up at me as I entered the room, for him with a face that was quite beautiful I could put up with anything.

I was quite a talkative person but I clammed up when I saw him, never in my life had someone affected me so much and I really could only describe him as…well…beautiful.

“Gerard this is Eliza,” said Alicia indicating for me to sit down at the table with them all. Gerard looked up, put out his hand and shook mine.

“Hi Eliza, good to meet you,” he said with this tremendous smile.

It was like an electric shock when he touched me and I couldn’t believe how I was over him. Suddenly I wanted to know all about him, this Gerard with the amazing eyes and beautiful face and now I knew his name, I knew from previous discussions with Alicia that he was the lead singer of the band and also Mikey’s brother.

We all sat down then shortly after in came Frank, Ray and Bob who were introduced to me. They were so lively and I knew I’d have a great weekend and spending a whole three days with Gerard would be interesting I thought.

Alicia made us some drinks at the small kitchen in the tour bus then Frank spoke as I got up to help her.

”I’m getting worried about Jamia. She has been out shopping with Kitty for about three hours now, I know what those two are like when they shop.”

“Yeah, they do like to spend,” said Ray.

Jamia. It sounded like Frank has a girlfriend called Jamia and possibly this Kitty is Ray’s girlfriend so that leaves Bob and Gerard, possibly single, well, hopefully single.

We were halfway through our coffees and I had been telling them about my job and some of the wacky customers that I had. Gerard had seemed interested and asked me a couple of things about myself. Well, it wasn’t just him that asked, they all did I suppose. Then the door burst open, there was a lot of noise and bags and giggles were coming through the bus door. Two pretty girls emerged, one so dark with a smiley face, the other also smiley and very fair-haired. She had the sort of hair that most people have to dye to get that blonde but you could just tell it was naturally blond. It was tied back in a sloppy bun. The dark haired girl had shorter hair and darker eyes; I guessed that the blond had blue eyes.

“Oh fuck,” said Frank getting up and going to the dark haired girl, “I knew it, what did I say guys?” he said turning to us.

“Its nothing much and we haven’t spent hardly anything, you know we like a bargain, don’t we Kitty?” said Jamia, the dark haired one who was speaking to the blonde.

Then Frank kissed this girl on the cheek then Jamia said she wanted to go to their bunk to show him what she’d bought so they went off as the blond girl struggled in with her bags. Ray immediately got up to help her; she must be his girlfriend I thought.

Leaving Gerard free.

For me?

But of course, I’d read all the signals wrong because before I knew it, this Kitty, the natural blond with the pretty face without a trace of make up who, if she had been a foot taller could have been a model, just came right on over and practically climbed onto Gerard’s lap, wrapping her arms about his neck and kissing his cheek. My stomach dropped completely.

He had someone.

The blonde.

She was beautiful and it was obvious that they were in love.

“Hi, you must be Eliza,” said this Kitty. “Sorry, I didn’t see you there, I’m Kitty, how are you, I’m glad to meet you at last, Alicia keeps going on about you, how what a talented hair stylist you are and such. You’ll have fun here with us you know.”

“Thanks, I’ve heard all about you guys too.”

No I hadn’t. Why hadn’t Alicia warned me that Gerard had a girlfriend that the two best looking guys on the bus were taken?

“Don’t listen to what Alicia says about me,” I said light-heartedly, “half of it isn’t true.”

We laughed for a while but she didn’t remove herself from Gerard. She was snuggled into his neck, a perfect fit, they hardly spoke to each other but he had his arm across her and his jet black hair against her blondness was extremely striking.

She was right, they all were, we had a great day and their show was amazing and even though he was with Kitty, I still couldn’t help but keep looking at Gerard. He was an amazing guy, he looked wonderful and I knew I wouldn’t be completely happy until he was mine.

The thing was, I couldn’t hate Kitty, I liked her, she was fun but I hated what they had together and I wanted it. Why should they be so happy when it was all someone like me wanted?

Gerard would make me happy I just knew it.

The worst of it that weekend was that I could hear them making love and whispering in their bunk. They were always whispering and giggling about things, nobody else seemed to notice this, they just accepted it, accepted that Gerard and Kitty were as they were.

Yes, I could hear them; each night they woke me up. I tried putting the pillow over my head but it wouldn’t block out the noises they made, Kitty in the throes of passion crying out, crying out because whatever he was doing to her caused her to cry out and then him calling out her name at the very end.

Lucky girl.

I spent quite a lot of time with them over the years, doing their hair, cutting and dying Gerard’s and I felt kind of proud of myself when I did his hair, washed it, combed it and styled it for this was the closest I could get to him, actually touching him, and I felt proud because I was creating something for him and this was something that Kitty couldn’t do.

I don’t know if anyone guessed that I liked Gerard but quite often I’d find myself just staring at him. The sad thing was he never looked at me, only when he spoke to me but other than that he only had eyes for Kitty.

That was until they split up because they were full of booze and drugs and were killing each other. Everyone had told them but they got caught up in a trap. That was one of the happiest days of my life when they split because I stayed with Gerard and everyone else while we all watched Kitty being driven away to some rehabilitation place with Liz, her sister and her sister’s husband.

I’d stay and help Gerard through it, it was the least I could do wasn’t it?

But he missed her and I hadn’t counted on how much. He’d changed, he wasn’t as happy but now, watching him as he came through the hotel doors I could sense he was happy once again because he’d been with her probably. Had he slept with her? Probably. Cried out each other’s names? Probably. Did he still love her? More than likely.

Well I had a surprise up my sleeve for him; he couldn’t just sleep with me and discard me like that as though nothing had happened, without any feeling at all. Oh yes, I had something up my sleeve and he’d find out about it soon enough.

Then he’d have to decide.

Because I was going to need him.

**

Mel was driving me to the hospital but we hadn’t spoken. I couldn’t concentrate on anything and all I felt like doing was crying. I didn’t want to go to the hospital, I wanted to just curl up and make everything go away.

The exhibition had gone quite well but I felt like I was in a daze trying to make small talk with all the visitors. I made my excuses and let Liz get on with it as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom and went over to the bedside where the photograph of Gerard was.

Mel had called again and said she would come and get me and take me to see Dan at the hospital, she also said that he couldn’t wait to see me, he needed to see me.

Well I didn’t need to see him but I knew I had to because that was me and Gerard often told me I was too soft and let people walk all over me. But Dan wasn’t walking all over me at all, he was ill, possibly paralysed and he needed to see me. That need word again.

What did I need?

I needed Gerard, the one person I’ve only ever needed.

Mel pulled into the hospital building but all I wanted to do was get out of the car, get away from all this and go to Gerard, go with him wherever he went but I knew I wouldn’t do it, I’d have to just carry on as I’d always carried on, without him, just remembering him and our time together.

I got out of the car, closed the door and walked into the hospital building with Mel.

In the elevator I closed my eyes briefly and I could still feel Gerard’s body, warm against mine, the way his fingers caressed me, his sparkly hazel eyes looking at me and that wide grin I loved so much.

As long as I could remember this then that would have to be enough to get me through.