I See You Lying Next To Me

Of course she didn’t want Gerard to go to hell, she loved him after all but it was obvious that he couldn’t have loved her as much as she thought he did. He wasn’t prepared to wait at all and she couldn’t understand why.

Sleep finally came for Kitty but before she settled down for the evening she took the picture of Gerard that sat on her bedside, the one of him on the boat that day and put it away in the drawer. She couldn’t look at his face, it just made things so much more painful.

She still loved him, and couldn’t imagine feeling that way over anyone else. But it was over and she wondered if she’d ever find that kind of love again. She doubted it but she also knew one thing, she wouldn’t hang around for Dan. Once he was better she was still going to end it with him and she’d definitely tell him everything.

Then she’d move on, how and how long it would take for her to find happiness again, she didn’t know.

**

The knocking was getting louder, then a voice.

“Kitty, come on, get up. Stop moping around in there, you need to get up, that guy is coming about showing his work in half an hour and you promised to talk to him,” said Liz.

“Just coming,” said Kitty but she rolled over and fell straight back to sleep, her fitful night’s sleep catching up with her.

“You’re not, you’re going back to sleep,” she heard then the door opening, “now get your lazy ass out of that bed, you’ve got work to do. How are you going to get things done when I’m in California?” said Liz feeling slightly sorry for her friend because Gerard hadn’t contacted her but at the same time despondent because Kitty could quite easily call Gerard up on the phone and they could talk and sort this thing out, she was sure of it but she needed Kitty to snap out of this current mood, she was going away next week to see Bob and she wouldn’t be there to keep an eye on her. She knew she was going through a tough time what with all that was going on with Dan. She felt sorry for Dan too but Kitty really needed to think about herself, about what was right for her. Gerard was right for her. Liz just wondered what the fuck he was playing at, not contacting her.

May be he didn’t love Kitty as much as they all thought, impossible though the thought was because everyone that knew them had thought they were inseparable.

She hoped that Kitty had worded the letter to Gerard OK and that Gerard hadn’t got the wrong end of the stick. May be she would talk to Bob about it when she met up with him.

Bob.

She couldn’t wait to be with him and to feel his lip ring…

“I think I’m going to throw up,” said Kitty and with that she rushed out of the bed, half naked and into the bathroom where Liz could hear the sound of retching. She heard the flush of the toilet and then water running into the sink.

Kitty emerged looking much better than she had a moment ago.

“You OK?” said Liz.

“I think so, I’m just over tired and shocked because he didn’t contact me. I was sure he would, may be he doesn’t love me as much as I thought he did after all. I think he’s changed Liz, we’re probably better off apart, so there’s no use me moping around thinking about it, I have a business to run, pass me those trousers will you,” she said indicating a pair of smart black trousers that were slung over the chair.

Liz passed them to her but she didn’t like the look on her friend’s face. She did look tired, pale and with dark circles, she probably hadn’t slept properly and she knew she hadn’t eaten that well since this thing with Dan, everything was taking its toll. May be she would put off her visit to Bob, just until Kitty had got over the shock of Dan’s accident and the shock that Gerard didn’t really want her after all.

Bob would understand.

**

Gerard put on a brave face for the video shoot, he had no choice but having something like this to do took his mind off of things for a while.

He’d explained to the guys that he’d got a letter from Kitty and that she had in fact got engaged to someone while they weren’t together and she was going to stay with this guy. He admitted to them that he kind of hoped that they’d get back together but now he realises that they weren’t meant to be after all. But saying those words to his friends felt like a lie because Kitty was only ever going to be the one that he thought of in that way.

She was his first love and nothing could take that away from him.

Samuel Bayer was fantastic, he just knew how to make a video, he’d made Green Day’s videos from American Idiot and Gerard had called up Billie Joe to see whether he thought Sam could do something for their first song from the album.

Billie Joe Armstrong had turned out to be a good friend to them all but this was something else that reminded him of Kitty as Billie was one of Kitty’s all time favourite stars. How ironic and he’d never got around to telling her that he was now friends with one of her idols.

Now she’d never know.

The video shoot was over a couple of days and the guys were so hot in their outfits even Gerard had second thoughts about making them wear them on tour, thinking how hot they’d be to perform in on stage, but everyone else seemed to have got used to them and now they would just have to wear them, the decision was made.

The first day was tough as Gerard hadn’t slept very well and now he felt it. Every time they stopped to do a re-take or just have a breather while Sam spoke to them about what would look best for the shoot, over came Eliza to touch and tweak at their hair, just making sure nothing was out of place.

She was pissing him off, big time, every time he turned she was there and he was sick of the sight of her. He couldn’t be nasty to her because she’d done nothing wrong, she was just over friendly but Gerard also sensed that she wanted something else, especially after their one night together.

**

On the morning of the second day of the shoot, Gerard woke up in a sweat. He’d been dreaming of Kitty and the words she’d spoken to him as she lay in bed, the last time he’d seen her, “I love you Gerard Way. I think I always will.” He’d had the same dream twice now, they were all in a church watching Kitty get married to a guy that was in a wheelchair and who didn’t have a face, she was wearing a black dress and was goading him, she kept turning round to him, smugly and as she passed him on her way out of church she threw a flower at him, a lily, her favourite flower. Looking down at the flower he noticed droplets of blood laying in amongst the petals, then glancing up he is alone in the church with just the priest who pulls of a false beard, false glasses and grey wig. It’s Eliza and she’s cackling at him.

How much more of this was there to come? Thought Gerard as he went off for an early morning shower; to wash all thoughts of Kitty finally away because there was no way they were going to get back together now. She’d had a chance of getting back with him but had chosen this other guy. So why did she say those words to him, that she’d always love him.

Who knew?

**

Kitty too woke up in a hot sweat that very same morning. She hadn’t slept well once again, she too having dreams of Gerard. Twice she’d dreamt it now, of him up on stage dressed in his uniform, his hair half blond and half black. He’s singing and she tries desperately to get to the front of the stage but its as though someone is pulling her back. She looks down and seems a woman’s hands holding onto her waist and tugging her back, then shrill laughter. Looking up, their show has ended, everyone has gone and she is all alone.

And that’s how she felt.

Alone.

So lonely knowing that she could never again be with Gerard.

He didn’t want her.

It was as simple as that.

**

“Hey Eliza,” said Alicia approaching her friend. “I must say you’ve done a good job on their hair for the shoot, I’m loving the way you’ve cut Mikey’s hair, it suits him and Bob’s looks great, its about time he had a decent cut.”

”Thanks,” said Eliza, proud of the fact that she’d created some new styles for the boys.

“Did you hear about Gerard and Kitty?” said Alicia ushering her friend over to the waiting area where teas and coffees and drinks were served.

“What? About this letter that he received or something?” said Eliza, acting all innocent.

”Yeah. I think Gerard was hoping to get back with her. He said they got on great the other day and he said he got the impression that she wanted the same. Now she says in this letter that she’s engaged to some other guy and has been for some time. Poor Gerard, I always thought they were great together and sometimes hoped they’d get to meet up and get back together. But now,” she shrugged.

“Poor Gerard,” said Eliza. “How’s he coping?” she said.

“Not good,” said Alicia getting up and grabbing a couple of cans of diet coke from the table. “But he’s throwing himself into his work, at least he can concentrate on this, I dread to think what would happen if he didn’t have this, I think he’d get depressed again.”

“Poor Gerard.” Said Eliza not knowing what else to say. She’d done this; she’d interfered in their relationship. Would they really have got back together? Why hadn’t they stayed together then if they were that close? Kitty didn’t deserve him, and she, Eliza, did. Kitty had gone off with someone else whereas she had always been faithful to him, had waited for him. She’d never go off with someone else like Kitty had.

Kitty had the opportunity before and had blown it.

Now it was my turn thought Eliza. I will make him happy, I know I can.

About five minutes later all the guys came over. Gerard grabbed a bottle of water from the table and without saying anything disappeared outside. Probably to have a cigarette thought Eliza.

“How is he?” Said Alicia to Mikey.

“Well having this takes his mind from Kitty,” said Mikey. “I think he’s going to be just fine, he’s got us to look out for him, hasn’t he guys?”

“Yeah, we’ll look after him,” said Bob.

“Hey Bob, what day is Liz coming out next week?” said Alicia looking forward to seeing Liz again.

“She’s not coming now.” Said Bob.

“Oh, I thought she was coming to visit for a while,” said Alicia.

“She is but not yet. She said she had some stuff to sort out and it’s been very busy at Kitty’s gallery. She said may be in a month.”

“Great, as long as she hasn’t changed her mind too,” said Alicia smiling at Bob. He seemed different since he’d found Liz again. She was glad for them.

“I still can’t believe that Kitty is engaged to someone else,” said Ray. He’d always liked Kitty; they’d always got on well and had had some great discussions about various things in the past.

Eliza was sick of the Kitty talk so decided she’d leave them all to it.

“Listen, I’ve got a couple of things to do, catch up with you later,” she said then disappeared in the direction of Gerard.

She found him out back leaning against the wall. His eyes were closed and he was dragging on his cigarette.

“Hi,” she said. He brought his head up, his expression didn’t change.

He doesn’t smile much anymore thought Eliza; I haven’t seen that fabulous smile of his for ages.

“OK?” said Gerard.

“Yeah. Listen, I know you have a lot on your mind just lately but I really would like to tell you something Gerard,” said Eliza.

“Oh,” said Gerard taking another drag on his cigarette then blowing it out.

She waved the smoke away from her, she hated him smoking but she’d get him to stop, especially after the news she had for him.

“Its…it’s a little personal Gerard,” she said.

“Is it?” said Gerard. “You can tell me here, there’s no one around,” he said wishing she’d fucking hurry up because she was pissing him off. Couldn’t she see that he wanted some time out? Everyone else could manage to leave him alone when he needed to be alone. Everyone apart from Eliza.

“Well…it’s just that…I’m having your baby.” She said.