I See You Lying Next To Me

Walking back to the hotel Gerard remembered the first time he’d met Kitten when they were only 16. He’d been going to art class regularly with Liz and Eugene but then one day when he walked in there was a girl sitting on the floor painting and she’d intrigued him straight away. She had this very blond hair tied back into a sloppy bun and he remembered her leaning over her work causing her little tank top to ride up, exposing her back slightly.

He was introduced to her but she’d fascinated him the way she was sitting there painting and he had to go and sit down by her and see what she was doing. Her work was excellent and then he’d asked her if her name was short for Kitten. What an idiot he’d felt when she turned and faced him with the most mesmerizing icy blue eyes that he’d ever seen, what on earth made him say that? He’d wanted to kick himself but then she’d smiled and he knew then that she hadn’t minded being called kitten after all.

He thought she was very cute but just put his head down for the rest of the class and stole an odd glance or two at the intriguing girl called Kitty who was just sitting crossed legged, engrossed in her painting.

Then Liz invited Kitty to come to the coffee shop and he was pleased because he kind of wanted to ask her himself but didn’t have the courage. Then before he knew it, she came over and looked at his work and seemed interested. No one was generally interested in his stuff other than his family.

He’d liked her immediately.

He’d wanted to kiss her that very first time after they walked home from the coffee shop, her little pink rosebud lips so very tempting but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He’d felt it was too soon.

They’d laughed at lots of stuff on that walk home he remembered and when she’d gone into the house he missed her and had hardly slept that night and when his mother asked where he was going the next day he told her straight off that he’d met this girl called Kitty and quite liked her and may go and visit her to see if she wanted to go out somewhere and then his mother had said to invite her back for lunch.

He couldn’t wait to see her he remembered and she seemed so interested in him and his work he just had to bring her home to meet his family knowing that they’d like her too and they did, especially his grandmother. He felt it was important that his grandmother liked Kitty for some reason.

He’d never taken a girl home before; well he’d never been out with anyone really properly before. He’d been caught out a couple of months back, got invited to this girls place who was hot and they’d… well… she’d been his first and he quite liked her and they’d dated for a few days then she dumped him. She gave him no reason but three days later she was flashing photographs of her and her new boyfriend having sex and had felt humiliated.

But that girl was just a nobody, a nothing compared to Kitty who he knew loved his family as much as he did, his little brother Mikey thought she was fabulous and his grandmother just adored Kitty.

Then there were their Sundays.

The Sundays that were just their days when that bitch of a sister of Kitten’s and her husband were out.

Sunday was the best day of the week, their very own day, just the two of them when they’d make love, paint, play music, laugh and playfully disagree about this and that and then they’d head over to his house to eat. At the end of the day he’d walk her home and they’d share a long hug at the front door where they just held on to each other.

It was perfect and remained perfect until that very end.

Entering the hotel he could remember the day that he’d first sang to her and he could still see the look on her face, she had been gobsmacked that he had a voice at all and she kept going on about it and saying that he had to do something with it and her and Mikey would gang up on him until he eventually gave in and they found a few people to play with but that didn’t work out so him and Matt got together and wrote a few songs.

He was embarrassed at first and didn’t want to show Kitty the songs but she’d insisted and he thought well, if I can’t show Kitty then who the hell can I show?

She’d loved them of course and said that one day he must use them.

Entering the elevator he checked himself in the mirrors that were there. Gerard always felt that Kitty kept him going. She kept him going because he was prone to getting down and low and he had this fear of his family dying and then he had this fear of Kitty dying, of him being left alone without any of them and without her.

He knew he had an obsession with death but he couldn’t help it and most stuff he wrote was about that, loss and death. It helped him to get it down on paper.

Letting himself into his hotel room he felt alone, so alone and decided to put the TV onto a music channel. He often did this when he was alone; just have music on in the background, kind of like company. As he got himself undressed and into bed they began to play American Idiot by Green Day and it took him back to listening to music with Kitty. They liked the same stuff and she was obsessed with Green Day the Californian punk band and he laughed because she thought that Billie Joe the lead singer was just amazing. She always said to him that you couldn’t beat a fantastic lead guy in a band, look at Freddie Mercury. This was all she went on about where music was concerned, Queen and Freddie Mercury and Billie Joe and Green Day. He rolled his eyes, even now just thinking of it.

What would Kitty think, knowing that he’d met Billie Joe, sung with him and socialised with him? He smiled to himself as he closed his eyes trying to sleep.

She must know this; if she’d followed everything they’d done then she must know he thought.

**

“Liz, there is an envelope in the drawer for you. I recognise the writing do you?”

Liz went to the desk drawer and opened it up, staring at the white envelope and trying to work out who had written it.

“Hmmmm, not sure, kind of,” she said. “Its not…,” then she looked up at me. I know she knew whose writing it was because she’d had a thing for him. “Is it Bobs?” She said and she blushed, blushed like a schoolgirl with those same feelings for him going about her brain I bet.

I nodded.

“When did you get this?” She said, still holding onto the envelope but not opening it.

“It was last night, I couldn’t sleep so came downstairs. I… I thought I saw someone by the window but then I didn’t see anyone when I got over to the window. It was someone with blonde hair and then I remembered what you said about Gerard having blonde hair but this hair was very blonde, white blonde almost. I think I must have been imagining it.”

“Yes that’s right. Gerard’s was very blonde,” said Liz who was fingering the envelope, still not knowing what to do about it.

“For god sake open,” it I said to her, “I’ll get us a coffee,” I said going off to the back room and letting her open her envelope in private.

Liz had a thing for Bob Bryer but I only found out about it the day after Gerard and I split, the day they put me into that… place and Liz had come to visit me.

I couldn’t understand why she didn’t return to the boys while they were finishing their tour but she said it would be too painful now that Gerard and I weren’t together and she didn’t think anything would happen between her and Bob.

I did feel sorry for Liz; she hadn’t had much luck with relationships. She met a guy at the first school she’d worked at, they’d got engaged and had a huge wedding planned, his name was Steven, a fellow teacher and he seemed OK but dumped her two days before her wedding. We were all devastated for her and that’s when she came out on tour with the guys and me and we’d had such a great time… too great it seemed.

Anyway after that she’d been out with quite a few guys that didn’t seem to get past a week and now I kind of knew why. She’d like Bob all along. Good old Bob, always up to mischief, none of us ever knowing what he’d get up to next.

“Oh my god,” I heard coming from the gallery as I came through with some steaming hot coffees.

“What is it?” I said to her placing the hot mugs onto the counter.

“It’s two invitations to join the guys backstage tomorrow night,” she said staring at whatever it was that was in the envelope.

“Oh right. Are they playing a gig tomorrow?” I asked.

“Oh Kitty,” said Liz shaking her head. “You have no idea have you?” she said staring at me in bewilderment.

“What?” I said taking my coffee and holding it in both hands.

“It’s the VMAs tomorrow night.” She said taking her coffee also.

“Oh yeah, so,” I said shrugging.

“So they’re playing their new record for the first time. The Black Parade.” She said taking a sip from her steaming mug.

“The what?” I said frowning. What on earth was she going on about?

“The Black Parade,” she repeated.

“I don’t follow you?” I said.

“Kitty you know you said you didn’t want to follow them after you’d split?” She asked me.

“Yes.” I hadn’t, I thought that it would be best to not realise what they were up to or rather what he was up to. It hurt too much to see him on TV and in magazines back at the very beginning so I’d stopped it.

“Well… you can’t be serious?” she said and I knew she didn’t believe me.

“What do you mean?” I said getting annoyed now. I hadn’t followed them and didn’t know what they had got up to at all.

“You mean to tell me you don’t know what they’ve been up to or… who they’re with or anything?”

“Nope,” I said feeling sick all of sudden. Was she suddenly going to come out with something awful and tell me who Gerard was seeing. He could be engaged or married or even have children by now. A lot can happen in a couple of years.

“I don’t believe you.” She said and I was right, she didn’t believe me. It had been difficult at first, tempting to just get on the computer and find out what they were doing or who they were doing. It had been so difficult and that was one of the reasons I had eventually gone out with Dan so that he could take my mind from Gerard.

“Why not?” I asked her but I wished she would shut up about it. Suddenly Gerard and the guys were being spoken about again. They had been mentioned more in the past day than we’d ever discussed them since our split.

“Because… I just don’t. Weren’t you tempted just a bit when they’ve been on magazines or on the TV?” she said not understanding my reasoning at all.

“I don’t watch music channels, I rarely listen to the radio and… yeah I’ve seen his face on a couple of things but I don’t pursue it.” I had seen it but blocked it out, ignored it. I was too scared to stop and think about him but him stopping by the gallery yesterday had thrown me because deep down I hadn’t stopped thinking about him, he was always there in the back of my mind.

Always.

“I don’t understand?” She said. “You went through so much together.”

“I cant do it, I just can’t follow him,” I said, “its as simple as that.”

“Do you think of him ever?” she asked placing her coffee mug back down onto the counter.

“Sometimes.” Of course it wasn’t sometimes, it was practically all the time.

“Did you ever tell Dan about Gerard?”

“Dan knows that I went out with someone called… Gerry for a while and we went out for a long time and things didn’t work out. Mel wouldn’t tell Dan, she wouldn’t even utter Gerard’s name let alone ruin my chances with the wonderful Dan.”

“So would he know who you went out with if you told him the truth? That you shared ten years with the lead singer of My Chemical Romance.” She said.

“I doubt it, the subject hasn’t come up, and they’re not the sort of stuff that he listens to. He likes classical and it’s a good job we listen to our ipods, we never have music on in the house.” It was weird and we were so different and not a together couple, not like Gerard and I had been. Gerard and I had always played music, constantly and it was stuff that we both loved.

“What do you think about when you think about Gerard?” Liz said bravely but I didn’t mind, it was probably a conversation that was well overdue.

“I remember the good times, you remember, when we first met and our Sundays… “ Liz laughed as I raised my eyebrows. “Yep I remember all the good stuff and going to Art School together and getting our first jobs and meeting new people but it didn’t change us, we still loved one another.”

“It was so obvious that you two were in love,” she said fiddling once again with the envelope.

“Yeah but things change and I now have Dan.” Yep. I had Dan.

“So the big day… when will it be?” Liz asked.

“I don’t know.” I said and I didn’t, I didn’t really want to think about a wedding.

“You do want to get married don’t you? You’re engaged for goodness sake and that engagement party that Mel threw, shit Kitty, it must have cost a fortune.”

But I didn’t answer I turned and walked over to the oriental picture, just a quick glance, a quick glance was all it took.

“I’ve never wanted to marry,” I said, “ever, when I was with Gerard we often said that we didn’t need to get married that we didn’t need a piece of paper to prove that we love each other.”

“So… you don’t want to get married?” she said. I glanced over at her, drawing my eyes away from the painting. She looked surprised but then not surprised at the same time, I couldn’t explain it.

“No.” I hung my head, not shamefully but may be slightly embarrassed because I shouldn’t be engaged to Dan and I knew that now. I was living a lie.

“Does Dan know?” She said but she already knew that answer, she must no the answer.

“Of course not.” I said walking over to the door of the gallery and turning the sign so that it read ‘open’ on the outside.

“Oh Kitty, do you love him though? You must do to get engaged like that.” I heard as I turned back from the door.

“I thought I did but I don’t,” I said then sighed.

“You’ll have to tell him then, it’s not fair on him.”

“I can’t tell him,” I said. I’d had enough of this conversation, I’d let far too much information out and I had a headache now because of it. I went and gathered the now empty mugs from the counter.

“Kitty you’ll have to, you can’t ignore this.” She said to me as I walked away into the back room.

“It’ll be fine, I sort of love him but…” then I stopped before I left the room because she interrupted me.

“Not like you loved Gerard, would that be it?” she said but I couldn’t look at her.

“No, not like I loved Gerard and that’s the whole thing, its not going to be like that, its different and this is the best I’m ever going to get, I’m sure of it. Dan’s a good guy he’s just…” I said going off to the kitchen area and filling the sink with water trying to drown out my thoughts probably but she’d followed me in, she wasn’t going to give up and I didn’t really blame her.

“He’s totally the opposite of Gerard; he’s… less interesting,” she said politely.

“He’s dull you mean, come on say it Liz, say it how you mean it, you never did mix your words.” I said turning to her.

“Look, I don’t think you’re suited and I never have done,” said Liz.

“Dan’s a good guy and I don’t want to hurt him, he’s kind and considerate and…”

“He’s too polite,” she said.

“What’s that supposed to mean? How can you be too polite? I don’t understand. What’s wrong with being polite? Gerard was always polite.” Gerard was, he was a gentleman underneath it all.

“You’re going to hate me but… he’s like a younger version of Ted.” She said almost grimacing for saying it.

I blushed then, knowing the truth.

“He’s all you hate in Ted.”

“He’s not that bad,” I said in a voice that kind of squeaked knowing she was right.
Dan wasn’t the guy for me but I couldn’t end it because I liked him, he was still a good decent guy and he loved me. He would be back from his European conference in two days. He wanted me to go with him but I just… to be quite honest I didn’t want to spend that time with him, the two of us alone.

Anyway when he came back I’d decided to make a little bit more effort with him, may be take him to the opera or something. He’d like that.

I decided to change the subject, I was sick of all this talk, my head was pounding and I needed some painkillers desperately.

“So… who are you going to take backstage with you tomorrow night?” I said turning to wash the mugs.

“You.” She said and this startled me as the mug slipped from my hands but luckily back into the soapy water.

“What? No way.” I said. My face was burning; my heart pounding and I couldn’t look at her.

“Yes, I think its time you faced him Kitty, its silly and I don’t know what you’re worried about.”

“I can’t do it Liz,” I said grabbing a tea towel from the side to begin drying up the mugs.

“Yes you can, you could do with a night out, I bet we hardly get to see them anyway, they’ll be busy singing and being interviewed, we’ll just get a great view of their show. It’s on a rooftop you know.”

“I’m not sure,” I said placing the mugs into the cupboard. I felt hot all of sudden, the thought of seeing him again, my heart still beating fast. Could Liz hear it?

I didn’t think I could do it. I was easier just to try and forget, to just carry on here wondering what he’d been up to for the past couple of years, was he OK? Was he happy? Was he with anyone special? How were his family? I missed them all.

May be I should see him just this once, just to see that he was doing fine.

“OK Liz, I’ll come to this backstage thing with you but that’s it, we won’t stay long, I’ll just watch them play and then we’ll go. Got it.” I said as the front door pinged and knowing that will be the end of this conversation.

As she went off to serve the customer she just shouted back “good, you’ve finally come to your senses. Now what shall we wear?”

I rolled my eyes at her comment and my heart was practically exploding because I was going to see Gerard again.

I suppose I had to do it, I just hoped I'd made the right decision. I probably needed to do this once and for all and then I could move on and get on with my life with Dan.

Just to see Gerard again, to see him, to clear my mind of him and move on.