I See You Lying Next To Me

“Kitten,” he said to me. I couldn’t stop staring at him, he looked quite different but still so goddam attractive.

“Have you been crying?” He asked coming forward and kissing me on the cheek, my breath catching in my throat. He smelt as he always used to do, a mixture of cigarettes and toothpaste.

“No,” I said brushing his comment aside.

”You have. Your nose has swollen up slightly and you have those red blotches here,” he said touching my cheek and causing my heart to quicken, “and here, just like you always got when you cried.” He said.

“Oh, yeah, it was nothing,” I said overwhelmed that he’d remembered something like that. I could never hide it; I could never hide the fact that I’d been crying he always knew.

“So, you in the military now or something?” I said smiling at him and wanting to change the subject.

“Yeah, we sign up tomorrow,” he said grinning at me.

This was such a weird situation we had shared so much physical contact, hugs, cuddles, touches, we were always touching each other, making love, me leaning against him, arms around each other. We practically wore each other and now… now there was this huge awkward gap between us.

“You look well,” I said to him, “and I’m loving the look. I could never imagine you as a blonde but it suits you,” I said. “What made you dye it blonde for heavens sake?” I asked.

“It’s a character from the new record. The patient. He’s dying so I sort of went for this look.”

“Oh right but you still look pretty healthy to me,” I said.

He just laughed.

“Your brown hair suits you Kitten, but you always looked good blonde too,” he said.

“I Just felt like a change.” I said still not able to take my eyes from him.

“So…” he said going over to the window, “you finally got your gallery. Well done Kitty I’m pleased for you.” He had his back to me; his hair was wet where he’d sweated from singing. It always did that, when it was long it used to get soaked.

“Um… yeah, I’ve had it about a year now. The property came up and I just went for it.”

“Do you still paint?” He asked.

“Of course, it’s a part of my life.” Just like you were.

“Of course you paint, it was a stupid question. I still draw, my art equipment still goes everywhere with me,” he said.

Just then the door opened and I glanced over as this very blond head of hair, the exact same blond as Gerard’s as it came through the door.

“Gerard, there you are, we were all wondering where you were. Liz said you might be in here. Hey…Kitty, how are you?” She said, this girl with the blonde hair and huge eyes.

Eliza.

“I’m fine thanks Eliza, how are you?”

“I’m fine,” she said looking away from me and back over at Gerard who looked awkward all of a sudden. Then she turned back to me.

“Your hair suits you brown you know,” she said. “Do you remember years ago I said you should go for the brown look and that it would suit you? You obviously took my advice.”

No I hadn’t, I hadn’t even remembered her telling me to dye it brown. It was my own idea, nothing to do with her at all.

“Thanks,” I said “and yours looks good too.”

“Thanks,” she replied. God weren’t we polite faced with the awkwardness of the situation.

“So… Gerard,” she said, “shall I tell everyone you’ll be out in a moment. There’s some magazine outside says they’ve got time booked with you.”

“Yeah, I’m just coming,” said Gerard pulling out a pack of cigarettes.

“Hey… you shouldn’t do that in here you know,” she Eliza looking disappointed in him.

He just shrugged.

“Who cares,” he said. “I need one,” and he took one out of the pack, pulled out his lighter and inhaled deeply, head thrown back, eyes squinting from the smoke. I’d lost count of how many times I’d watched that action.

“I’ll tell them you’ll be about five minutes,” she said.

But Gerard didn’t answer just watched her leave the room.

“She hates me smoking,” he said taking another puff.

She always did I suddenly remembered, Eliza always made some smart-ass comment about him smoking. Telling him it was bad for him, waving the smoke away from her direction, telling him to give it up.

“It doesn’t bother most people. It never bothered you did it Kitty?” He asked looking directly at me.

“Not really. Whatever anyone said to you wouldn’t change the fact that you smoke because you want to; I learnt that a long time ago. I used to wish you didn’t for your own health reasons but it didn’t really bother me,” I said. “Listen you’re going to have to go, Liz is getting me a taxi and then I’m going home.”

“Oh are you not going to stay for a drink?” He said.

“Actually I don’t drink anymore,” I said hesitantly.

“Me neither,” he said looking away slightly, “I just stay on the soft drinks, water or coffee.”

“Me too,” I said nodding and feeling slightly awkward.

Then Eliza was back, her blond head poking round the door.

“They need you now Gerard,” she said.

He took one more drag of his cigarette then crushed it out into an ashtray.

“Try and stay,” he said as he began to walk to the door, “I’d like to catch up,” was all he said as he left the room.

I just smiled and then he was gone, out the door and all that seemed to have happened so quickly it was as though he’d never been in the room at all I thought to myself going over to the window and looking at the ashtray with his cigarette, still damp at the end from where he had had it in his mouth. It was smouldering slightly.

Of course he had been here I thought then reached into the ashtray and picked up his cigarette and crushed it out completely.

**

In the taxi on the way back home I convinced myself that he and Eliza were an item.

She’d finally got what she wanted. She’d even dyed her hair the same as his.

His and her hair.

I couldn’t get the vision of them together out of my mind and wondered what they were like as a couple.

Did he massage her neck at the drop of a hat when she got a knot in it?

Did he get her a hot water bottle when she had excruciatingly painful period pains?

Did they share baths together until the water grew stone cold? Then did he wrap her up in a huge fluffy warm towel and carry her to their bed?

Did he paint her toenails for her or let her paint his?

Did he show her his new songs to get her opinion on them before showing anyone else?

Did he call her up at ungodly hours when he was touring just to say he wanted to hear her voice?

Did they both fall asleep wrapped around each other and wake up in the same position?

Did he nibble at her earlobe or tickle her ribs?

Probably, if they were going out. He probably did all those things because that was Gerard and that was what he used to be like with me.

Well, they weren’t part of my world anymore I thought as I was driven away from them all, away from the cameras, away from the fame, away from the screaming girl fans.

Away from him.

I’d probably never see or hear anything about them again I thought but then realised that Liz would come hurtling into the gallery tomorrow with all her tales but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear them.

I didn’t want to hear that Eliza and Gerard were an item even though I was sure they were.

I unlocked the door of the gallery and switched on one of the lights. It was freezing in there, cold and freezing and empty but I didn’t care because this was mine, all mine. It was like my little haven.

I went out to the back room and automatically checked myself in the mirror just to see what Gerard had seen. My make up was still intact and my hair looked fine so it didn’t look as though I’d embarrassed myself.

Going back to the gallery I turned off the lights and walked past the oriental picture glancing at it as I walked by.

I went upstairs to the bathroom and washed the make up off my face and cleaned my teeth, took off my clothes and threw on my robe, my comfortable old robe that I’d had for about 5 years. It was actually one of Gerard’s old ones and was huge on me. It was navy blue and towelling and the sleeves had to be rolled back twice and it came down to the floor but the material was soft and I loved just wrapping it round me and belting it up just as I did now. I slipped into a pair of bright red slouch socks that I also found comfortable and headed back downstairs. I didn’t feel tired so decided to make myself a milky drink to take up to bed and to help send me off into dreamland.

Pouring the milk into the mug I put it into the microwave and timed it for a minute and a half.

Then I thought I heard a noise.

There was definitely a noise coming from the gallery and my heart quickened, nervous and scared.

I looked round for something to grab and all I could find was an umbrella so I took hold of it and crept out into the gallery poking my head round the door, lifting up the umbrella at the same time.

It was dark and my eyes adjusted. There was someone there. My heart was beating fast, I felt sick and alone and didn’t know what to do.

“Kitten, its OK,” said Gerard.

“What the fuck?” I said dropping the umbrella down onto the floor.

“I’m so sorry it wasn’t until I got in here that I realised this may be a bad idea, the last thing I wanted to do was frighten you.”

”Right,” I said annoyed now. Annoyed at him for just letting himself in with a key that was obviously given to him by Liz and annoyed that I’d fallen for it. Also annoyed that I’d removed my make up and was dressed like this while he… he was dressed the way I’d always liked him to look.

Black worn jeans almost faded to grey, black trainers, black tight t-shirt and leather jacket. I wasn’t going to look I decided, I couldn’t because I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore remembering the comments I used to make about his tight jeans, especially the tightness around the front of them that always did something to me and I knew if I looked it may do something to me again.

Dan had never made me feel like that. I could look at Dan and he’d never turn me on straight away just by looking at him, not like Gerard.

But I didn’t look at Gerard; I just headed back off into the kitchen area and asked if he wanted warm milk too.

He said thanks that would be good but still I didn’t want to look, I couldn’t I needed to compose myself for a moment. I needed to calm down.

I needed to tell him I was engaged to someone else and then he could go off happily and be with Eliza, blonde hair united and I could be left with Dan and get married one day to him and have his children and live a life that wasn’t in the spotlight, no hustle and bustle of touring, no excitement of fans and listening to bands play late ate night, no sleeping odd hours and hardly getting any sleep most days. No visiting countries and spending so much time with them and then at other times hardly seeing them, no talking on the phone at odd hours just talking and talking for hours on end.

I had loved it.

I’d loved every minute of it.

But that was then.

And things were different now.