I See You Lying Next To Me

“Come upstairs to the Living Room,” I said indicating for Gerard to grab his milk.

I was aware of him walking behind me up the stairs and I felt really odd dressed like this even though he’d seen me countless of times dressed like this before. It didn’t seem right now somehow.

“I do not believe you still have my old robe,” said Gerard from behind me.

“Well you know how comfortable I found it. I’ve never found another one to match it.” I said not looking at him at all, just staring straight ahead as I climbed the stairs.

He laughed, “and those socks you used to have dozens of different coloured pairs of those.”

“I still have,” I said, “and do you still insist on wearing odd socks all the time? You were so lazy; you could never be bothered to pair them up.”

“Well… yeah I’m still lazy but hardly anyone knows about my odd sock thing.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Hey this is cosy,” he said looking around the room.

I put my mug of milk down onto the coffee table then went over to the window.

”I have a great view over Central Park,” I said indicating for him to come and look then I wish he hadn’t because he was standing right beside me and I could smell his leather jacket and could feel his body heat. I shifted slightly so that I wasn’t so close to him.

“This is great,” he said. “Its what you’ve always dreamed of. I’m so pleased for you Kitty” and he grinned, looking at me. Those familiar sparkly hazel eyes and that sweet grin, I’d missed them both.

I drew the curtains closed and put on a table lamp to make the room seem cosier and sat on the sofa at one end and curled my feet up around me. Gerard came and sat at the other end of the sofa, his long legs stretched out.

Suddenly I stood up with this excruciating pain in my lower leg and foot.

“Ooh,” I said getting up and walking around the room to try and ease it.

“Is that one of those leg cramps of yours, do you get them often?” He said concern in his voice.

“Sometimes,” I said trying to walk the cramp off.

“You want me to massage your foot and leg for you?” He said. “Like I used to?”

“Um... I think its eased slightly thanks Gerard,” I said to him. Oh my god, I suddenly remembered he used to give the most wonderful foot massages that always eased my leg cramps. I did feel sorry for him, after playing a gig until quite late and often not getting to sleep until 3am I’d often wake him while we shared the tour bus bed because I had a leg cramp but he never complained, he always massaged the pain away, he always knew what to do and nine times out of ten after the massaging we’d end up making love.

“It appears to have gone,” I said sitting down and grabbing at my milk to take a gulp.

“Shit,” I said as the pain surged through my foot. “Its back,” but before I could stand he’d grabbed my foot and pulled my red sock off.

“Let me give it a go,” he said, “I always used to get rid of the pain.”

He worked his magic on my foot with those ‘magic’ fingers of his. I used to call him magic fingers sometimes… the things he used to do with those fingers…

“How’s that?” he asked after about five minutes.

“Its good,” I said, and it was, oh so good I thought watching his fingers as they massaged my foot.

“That’s a first,” he said.

“What’s a first?” I said looking up at him.

“You have unpainted toenails,” he said glancing up at me.

“Sometimes I just don’t have time for stuff like that anymore,” I said.

”What? Painting your toenails. You said to me once you felt naked without your toenails painted.” He was grinning again.

“Yeah…I do its just I’ve been busy this week.”

“Do you remember I used to paint them for you sometimes?”

“Yeah… I remember,” I said smiling back at him.

“How’s the foot,” he said still massaging away.

It was fine but I kind of didn’t want him to stop what he was doing.

“Actually… its worked,” I said.

“You see, I always did know what to do,” he said reaching forward for his mug of milk.

Of course he did.

“So… you want me to paint your toenails now for you?” He said looking directly at me.

“What? Now? It’s almost midnight and anyway, I thought you’d be celebrating with everyone, why did you come here?” I said bravely.

“Everyone went on to a party and as I don’t drink anymore sometimes I just stay for a short while at these parties. I find it difficult sometimes so I just leave the situation and go off. I was hoping you’d changed your mind and stayed but… Liz said you felt unwell had gone home. It was her that suggested I come here. I wasn’t sure…”

“Its fine, its good to see you. I just felt tired, as I say it’s been hectic here and I’ve been up all hours painting and doing some paintings for some clients I’ve got so… I could really have done without going to your show this evening but Liz had those tickets from Bob and well… it was good to see you play. I’m sure that song of yours is going to be a hit.”

“I hope so; we worked out butts off for months getting it just right. So, can I?” He said raising his eyebrows slightly.

“Can you what?”

“Paint your toenails, you always said I did it better than you.”

“Yep, you’re right there, you’re not serious though are you?”

“Of course I am,” he said. “Go and choose a colour and I’ll do it for you.”

I felt stupid then, awkward. I didn’t know what to do. Should I just refuse or just let him paint my toenails like he always did? What was the harm?

“OK. I have a new colour to try, may as well get that,” I said getting up from the sofa.

**

Gerard felt awkward and felt slightly that he shouldn’t have come. It had been Liz’s idea, after their magazine interview he’d approached Liz and asked where Kitty had gone, and was surprised when Liz said that yes she had gone home and that she’d been feeling slightly unwell. He must have looked disappointed because then Liz suggested he go to her the gallery and see if she’s OK, she just handed him the key and said to let himself in. He’d jumped at the chance, had gone to the dressing room and changed out of his stage gear then got Brian to get him a driver and snuck out of the building.

No one had seen him leave, they weren’t expecting him to leave just yet and he headed off to the gallery but stood outside for a while making sure he was doing the right thing. Then he’d made up his mind. They were off to LA again tomorrow to add a few finishing touches to the album and he wasn’t sure when he was going to be in town again. He’d do it, let himself in but didn’t for an instant think he would scare Kitty and when he saw her standing there in his old blue robe, red socks and with an umbrella that she had lifted over her head about to crack him with he felt guilty because she looked like a scared little rabbit and the last thing in the world he wanted to do was scare her.

She was nervous, he could tell. She couldn’t look at him as she made him some milk and the situation felt weird. They’d always felt comfortable around each other; they knew everything about each other. Like he knew she’d been crying earlier, he could just tell as he touched her cheek, that sweet soft cheek that he wanted to touch just that little bit more. That cheek that had rested against his own cheek so many times, rested against his bare chest, the cheek that he’d kissed and touched a million times and there she was, making him some milk and unable to look at him.

It had made him feel sad.

But she’d come round slightly and let him massage her foot and that had taken him straight back to those times she got those cramps when they were in bed together. He’d hated seeing the grimace on her face when she was in pain and enjoyed massaging the pain away for her and she always cuddled him afterwards, cuddled up tight in the tour bus bed and then they’d make love, quietly so as not to let anyone hear, gently, softly and quietly they’d make love.

He’d never forget those times.

And now he’d offered to paint her nails but it felt slightly awkward, this situation, but he’d loved doing it before.

What a weird situation he thought, we’d not seen each other in two years and still felt slightly awkward around each other yet he’d offered to paint her toenails and she was going to let him.

**

“Cool colour,” said Gerard as Kitty brought out the colour. “We’ve not used that colour before.

‘We’ thought Kitty. We’d always used ‘we’ because we practically did everything as a twosome.

“Yeah, navy blue I thought it would make a change,” Kitty said as she handed the varnish to him. He unscrewed the cap and she put her feet up onto his thighs feeling his rough jeans and the firmness of his leg underneath the backs of her legs. He took hold of one foot and she lay back against the pillows, watching his magic fingers and enjoying feeling the pressure of his hand as he held her foot steady.

“This takes me back,” he said looking up at her.

“At least my feet are clean,” she said to him.

”You’re feet were always clean, not like mine. You hated not being able to wash on the tours didn’t you?” He said.

“Well… usually I found somewhere to wash or take a shower and I couldn’t go a day without washing my hair. Not like you, sometimes Gerard you just… you just stank,” I said.

“I know, everyone knows. I’ve changed slightly, your cleanliness has rubbed off on me, and I like to take a shower or bath at least once a day.” He said as he concentrated on looking at my feet.

“And to keep your hair bleach blond, how often do you have to do that?” I said looking at his blond hair, which still seemed slightly unfamiliar to me.

“Fortnightly. Eliza bleaches it up for me every couple of weeks.”

Eliza. Shit. I’d forgotten her.

“There, that OK?” said Gerard screwing the top back onto the nail polish.

“Yeah, its great, you definitely do a better job than I do,” I said wriggling my toes on top of his leg. “Thanks. Would you like another milk?” I said to him.

“Why not?” Said Gerard as I reached down to get his mug from the coffee table.

“Won’t be a minute,” I said heading off downstairs to the kitchen.

**

He shouldn’t have looked but he did. As she had bent to get the mugs her gown gaped open slightly and he caught a glimpse inside and it sent his insides on a wild trip of their own, remembering her soft skin against his own, kissing her skin right there where the gown had opened and breathing in the scent of her milky skin. He shifted on the sofa as he felt the beginnings of an erection. She always did that to him, always, at the most unexpected times she gave him an erection. He glanced around the room to take his mind off it. The walls were painted cream, the sofa was cream and she had bright red cushions scattered here and there and a huge red rug in the middle of the room. There were some paintings around the walls; three of them were hers he noticed. God she was so talented he thought standing up and going to look closer at some of them. He felt proud of her that she’d achieved her dream of owing a gallery.

“There you are,” said Kitty placing the steaming mugs onto the coffee table.

**

Downstairs Kitty had glanced once more at herself in the mirror, her face was flushed and her neck was blotchy, she’d had to just walk away for a moment to get some more milk. Just to walk away for a moment and compose herself.

She couldn’t understand what was happening here. What was he doing here?

Glancing at her watch it already said 1am. Where had that hour gone? She couldn’t believe how fast the time had flown whilst they had been chatting and she had so much to ask him, so much to talk to him about. Where would she begin?

**

“I have to ask and I’m ashamed that I don’t know but… how are your parents?” said Kitty.

“They’re good. They both retired last year, they were there tonight, I’m surprised you didn’t see them,” said Gerard. “I told them you may be coming and they were looking forward to catching up with you.”

“I feel awful that I didn’t stay in touch but after we... after it all happened I kind of didn’t know what to do for the best and the more time went on the more difficult it was for me to contact them. I miss the chats that your Mom and me used to have.”

“I think she misses them too. You were kind of like a daughter to her, the daughter she never had but always wanted.”

“Well she was like the mother I didn’t have too.”

“Hey do you remember the cheesecake Saturdays at Russell’s?” Said Gerard.

“Of course I do, and you know I’ve still not found a strawberry cheesecake like it,” I said. “When I see it on the menu anywhere I’ll always order it but it’s just not like Russell’s cheesecake.”

“Me neither.”

“Do you remember when…”

“When we tried making strawberry cheesecake,” he said a smiling forming on his face and finishing off my sentence without realising.

“Yeah… it was for your grandmother’s birthday wasn’t it? Not long before she died. We made such a mess of the kitchen.”

“And after all that it tasted foul,” he said. “Nobody ate it.”

“Only Helena,” I whispered.

“Of course she did, she’d never let us down.”

“I miss her Gerard. Still.”

“So do I of course,” Gerard said, “hey do you remember that time she taught us how to do the proper waltz?”

“Of course I remember…”

**

Sunlight was streaming into the living room. It was shining on my face as I stirred, stirred and realised that I’d fallen asleep on him. I was lying on his leather jacket, the zip digging into my cheek and my mouth dribbling onto the probably very expensive jacket. I sat up slowly wiping my mouth and wiping his jacket then glanced over at the clock. It was 8am and the last time I remembered looking at the clock was 5.30am. We’d talked nearly all night and the time had flown by and we must just have fallen asleep together.

Shit. Liz would be here in half an hour.

“Gerard,” I said shaking him gently but he was sound asleep.

“Gerard, its 8am. You’re going to have to leave, Liz will be here and haven’t you got to catch a flight at 11am.”

”Shit.” Said Gerard waking up. I loved that look on him as he awoke, he always rubbed at his eyes, curled up his fists and rubbed his eyes just like a baby, and it looked so cute I’d always thought.

He stood up and stretched as I wrapped my robe about me. I felt dreadful and couldn’t believe that we’d sat up all night talking and I still felt I hadn’t said everything, I wanted to say so much more to him, ask him things and I still haven’t really found out what he’d been up to these past two years. Were he and Eliza an item? I still didn’t know the answer to that.

“Sorry for staying so long,” said Gerard, “but you know what we were like when we got talking. Where the fuck did the time go?”

“I know, we were like a couple of oldies,” I said standing up.

He walked out the room and I followed him, down the stairs and then through the shop to the front door.

“Enjoy your time in LA,” I said to him as I got to the door.

“Thanks but its work at the same time,” he said looking down at me with those special eyes of his.

“I know. I can’t wait until the album is out, I’ll be sure to buy it,” I said to him.

“I still can’t believe you don’t know much about what we got up to over the past couple of years,” he said.

“Well… I’ve been pretty busy myself,” I said to him. Yeah, busy getting engaged and setting up my own business and busy trying not to think of you and what you were doing.

“You’ve done well Kitty,” he said as I unlocked the door for him to leave.

“Thanks.” I replied.

I saw him glance at the oriental picture behind me then he bent and kissed my cheek.

“Good luck,” I said to him as he walked out the door.

“Thanks, and you Kitten,” he said and he reached into his jacket pocket for his cigarettes and turned as I closed the door on him.

I wasn’t going to look out the window, I’d refused, I didn’t want to watch him as he walked off down the road, lighting up his cigarette in that oh so familiar way so I just walked away into the back room imagining what he was doing as he lit his cigarette, inhaling with his head slightly thrown back then exhaling and walking along, one hand in his pocket as he walked off and out of my life.

As I glanced in the mirror in the back room I saw the mark from his jacket zip on my cheek like a long scar running down my cheek just to remind me that I’d fallen asleep on him. How long would that take to fade? I thought.

If it stayed forever I wouldn’t have minded.

Then I heard Liz coming through the door, like a whirlwind. She must have seen Gerard leave, she must have passed him by just now.

She’d want an explanation as to why he’d been here until this hour, she’d want to know if I’d mentioned that I was engaged to Dan.

Dan.

For some reason I’d forgotten about him.