Sleepwalking Past Hope

Once again I found myself sitting in the lonely diner, surrounded by pretentious people. My negative mood had influenced my way of thinking. I sighed and tried to dive into the book. My mind was uninterested in ’Flowers of Evil’. I tried to laugh off the failure, but I knew it was nothing I would be able to shake easily.

I took a sip of coffee. I pulled a cigarette out of the soft pack, placed it in between my lips and with a quick flick of the lighter sweet nicotine filled my lungs.

“Can I get a light?” An unfamiliar man asked. His relaxed demeanor ceased the apprehension that was rising in the pit of my stomach.

“Sure.” I said then handed him my lighter. He struck his thumb against the flint causing a flame to rise and greet the tobacco.

“Thanks, “ He said then returned my lighter.

“You’re welcome.” I smiled gently, he returned the gesture.

“You mind if I sit?” He said as he gestured to the booth seat across from me.

“No, not at all.” I replied though my anti-social side was kicking me in the ass. It would have been impossible to tell him no. His gentle green eyes drew me in like a moth to a flame. His brown hair lay in curls, they weren’t extravagant but subtle. Everything about him seemed perfect yet familiar.

“I‘m Ville.” He smiled, oh what a smile rose on that flawless face. I couldn’t help but smile back, his smile filled me with a warmness I’d never felt.

“Hello, Ville. I‘m Emma.” I smirked, it was impossible to resist. I wouldn’t give in, at least I would try.

He laughed it was the sweetest sound though harsh. It sounded like a beautiful mixture of choking a sheer ecstasy. His laughter ceased leaving me with a remarkable smile. Though my day had been one straight from the pits of hell and it was two in the morning I couldn’t resist the urge to be happy.

“I see you’re reading Baudelaire.” He said anxiously gesturing towards the light brown book I held in my hands. He never let his hands be empty, he continually fiddled with anything he could.

“Yeah, He’s okay. I’m not really sure how to take him yet.” I smiled kindly, never offering more information than was required, it was beginning to become impossible not to expose every facet of my soul to him.

He took a drink of his coffee, he sat the cup down and his lips twisted into a smirk.

“So you go to college here?” He tried to revive the conversation.

“Yep,” I replied quickly.
“What’s your major?” He asked as he fiddled with the salt and pepper shaker. The sounds coming from the glass rubbing against the wooden table were almost like nails on a chalkboard.

“English,” I replied, as I took the salt shaker from him and sat it on the other side of the table. He smiled then picked up the pepper shaker and resumed spinning it around on the wooden table.

“Oh! That’s why you’re reading Baudelaire.”

“You think I would read this on my own? Dr. Petrey had to force me to read this.” I added an unnecessary amount of sarcasm when saying ‘doctor’, just to show how much he annoyed me.

He laughed out loud the pleasant noise filled the air once again.

“I took one of his classes a few years back, just for the hell of it. Haven’t taken one since.” He said as he put the pepper shaker down and pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pockets. He pulled one out for himself and offered me one. I pointed at the pack of cigarette’s lying on the table, indicating I had my own. He nodded then slipped the cigarettes back into his coat pocket. He grabbed my lighter and smiled at his own impoliteness.

“What class did you take?” I asked, then mentally cursed myself for the slip.

“Uh, I don’t remember exactly what it was called but we read a lot and he lectured a lot.” He said before lighting the cigarette and inhaling deeply.

“Oh, I know what one you’re talking about.”

He winced, “I hope you aren’t taking it, it‘s damn near impossible.”

I laughed which caused a gentle smile to creep across his lips.

“I’m glad I got it over with then.” I said then smiled. His eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Good God woman.” He said as he exhaled smoke from his nose and mouth.

I smiled outright. We sat in silence for a moment as he smoked and I sipped at the lukewarm coffee.

“Can I ask a question?” He asked his tone of voice dropped to concerned.

I smiled, “Sure.”

“Why are you here alone? It’s four in the morning?” He seemed genuinely concerned.

I didn’t want to bring up my parents, my loneliness, or the lack of human contact. So I instinctively lied.

“Insomnia,” It wasn’t a whole lie.

He nodded, “Mmm, I know how that goes. I go without sleep for a day and I’m on the verge of schizophrenia.”

I laughed, “Surely it isn’t that bad.”

He raised his eyebrows, “You wanna bet?”

“Not really.” I half laughed, half grimaced. He laughed loudly, making sure the entire diner knew he was happy and it made me crack a grin as well.

He was a beacon of hope, I knew it was probably useless to put faith in any sort of lasting relationship with him but resistance was futile I would probably wish for his company never mind the situation. I wished I had a reason to believe that I wouldn’t spend the rest of my nights sleeping alone but I don’t. I don’t have a single reason to think that I won’t be alone forever.

“I should be going.” I said as I grabbed my book, stood up from the table and went digging through my pockets for the money. I thought it best to leave before I couldn’t.

“Let me walk you home.” He offered, as he stood up and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

“I can walk myself.” I retreated from his appealing offer.

“You should let me because I would feel terribly bad if something happened to you.”

My cheeks turned bright red, “Well, I can’t leave you with a guilty conscience.”

He laughed, “Exactly.”

I finally found a five dollar bill and laid it on the table.

“Well, let’s go.” He said as he waited for me to begin walking.

“Okay.” I said then followed him out of the café. He held the door open. I walked through the door and waited for him on the other side.

“Which way, dear?”

“Left.” I said as I stuffed my hands into my pockets. We began walking towards my house. We discussed art, literature, and the inquisitive nature of birds.

“Do you have any family around here?” He asked as he kicked a pebble with his Converse clad feet.

I sighed, “No, they’re in America.”

“Oh, I see traveling abroad. You got any friends, I may know them.” I didn’t doubt that he knew almost everyone in this small town, people probably flocked to him like sheep to a shepherd.

“Nope. I guess you could say I’m a loner.”

He stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk, “Wait, you’re here by yourself? And your home is all the way in America?” Anger was apparent by the harsh look on his face.

I felt like making myself disappear, “Yeah,”

We began walking again, thank God.

“So you literally don’t know anyone.” He stared intently at the glowing ember on the end of his cigarette.

“Dr. Petrey.” I smiled. He laughed subtly.

“That doesn’t count. Well, you know me now.” He seemed proud to be my only friend, I thought that he would find pride in having so many friends he forgot their names on a regular basis. He seemed different than the pompous characters you can find in America. He was genuine.

I scoffed, “You’re an acquaintance.”

He raised his eyebrows, “Acquaintance is all I get?”

“Yep.” I replied as I kicked a pebble, it went scooting down the sidewalk.

“Well that has got to change.” He smiled, my cheeks turned a rosy color. We continued walking, without speaking a word.

“That’s my house right up there.” I pointed to the large two story house. Tension hung thick in the air.

I stepped through the wrought iron gate. Ville followed me as I walked up the steps.

“Okay, I can handle it from here.” I said as I unlocked the front door. I pushed the door open and stood on the porch. I rocked back and forth on my heels waiting for him to speak.

Ville’s face was twisted from deep thought, “Can I see you again?”

I smiled to myself when I saw his cheeks turned a light pink, he was blushing. I couldn’t figure out why he would want to even be around me. I’m short, average looking and mundane. Where he was tall, absolutely striking and exotic.

I beamed, “Yeah.”

His face lit up with excitement, “Okay! Give me your number.”

I pulled a pen out of my pocket. He held his hand out, I took it in mine and wrote my phone number on his palm.

“Okay! I’ll call you.” He said happily.

“Okay, if I don’t answer. It’s because I’m at school.” I replied. He nodded quickly.

“Bye, Emma.” He said then went to leave.

“Bye, Ville!” I waved as he walked down the street, returning to wherever he came from.