You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

“And you’re absolutely sure they’re not playing tonight?” My knees knocked together a bit as the chill blew in from the window of the car. I was being outright kidnapped, dragged to some concert I had no want to go to or see in any possible way. Concerts made me think of him, and it was not my place to think about that boy. I tugged my hoodie around me tighter, sliding down in the passenger seat a bit.

“Will you calm down? I told you John won’t be there, just a few bands I wanted to go see,” My friend Megan mumbled the last part, when she saw me visibly cringe at the sound of his name. The words coming out of her face said one thing, but the cheap smirk on her face said another. She was infamous for these kinds of things, and I was infamous for being a pussy.

“Sure doesn’t seem that way,” I mumbled, and stared back out the window. We were almost to the venue, and my stomach was doing flops worse than it had in years. Something was going to happen tonight, something I knew I wasn’t going to like.

She parked and climbed out of the car, phone glued to her fingers, texting away, that stupid smile on her face again. I sighed and slowly pushed myself out awkwardly, almost knocking myself over from the lack of motivation. All I could hear was the roar of the crowd from outside, but the second we stepped in I was hit with the fight or flight method. I never really knew why it happened to me, maybe a lack of good parenting, or the fact that I was so incredibly small for a boy. His voice penetrated my ears. I couldn’t even bring myself to look up as I was forcefully dragged by Megan towards the front of the stage.

“I knew this wasn’t a good idea," I hissed at her and tried pathetically to get my wrist out of her grasp. I was going into a panic attack, I knew it, and I also knew she wasn’t going to let me get away. She was always a bitch about these things, telling me I needed to grow up, stop babying myself, stop being a baby. Fight back. Yeah, if it were only that easy. I couldn’t catch my breath, my heart was beating in a way it hadn’t in quite some time as I slowly brought myself to look up to the stage. I thought it would make it easier, maybe I’d calm down. Maybe it wasn’t him, it could be someone else. I tunneled, I thought I was losing it, that face had caused me so much pain and misery, but at the same time I couldn’t bring myself to look away. The crooked smile on his face dropped a little, or maybe it was just a figment of my imagination, because he didn’t seem to notice me at all. How could he? There were hundreds of girls here for him, all screaming out his name, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t already soaked it up.

John was different, confident. He’d grown up, gotten past that awkward stage, but almost looked leaner, taller since last I’d seen him. He’d cut his hair, which was now messily pushed back from his face in almost a birds nest kind of form. He pulled his flannel out from his chest, trying to cool himself down, and I caught a glimpse of his apparent new chest piece. Two years did a lot to people, changed them, mostly for the better. Well, in John’s case for the better.

He grabbed the microphone, shouting out to the city and all the fine girls in the audience and I grabbed onto Megan’s arm on my own this time.

“Are you going to be alright?” She whispered and yelled at the same time.

“No, the fuck would you do this to me?” I screamed, pulling my hoodie off

“Yo, so what I want you guys to do right now, is put both hands, around the person to your right’s waist right now, let me see that happen. Come on. Don’t disappoint me, I’m fucking serious. I’m very fucking serious. Now I want you to kiss them, on the fucking mouth right now. Like that. This song is called Into Your Arms, here we go.” A sheepish smile crept over John’s face, and he yelled to the audience while gripping his acoustic guitar. Megan glanced over at me.

“No, nope, it’s not happening.” I defended.

“You know I’d really enjoy it if I saw you guys kissing each other right now.” He stopped mid song to yell again, and I was afraid he was targeting us, as most of the people around us had complied and were all over each other.

“When we were in love, oh things were better than they are,” He continued, I shrugged off Megan’s arms from my waist, my legs shaking as I pulled my sleeve over my hand and bit down on it hard, trying to ignore his presence. He was everywhere. I wasn’t ready for this, as much as I wanted to believe it.

“Let me back into, into your arms.” The music resonated through me and I looked back up, just in time for him to look down. I was too close to the stage, too close to him. Recognition shone through his bright green eyes and it took all the energy I had left to back up and shield myself behind taller people, the people I was squished in this small room with. I was sure he could still see me, the leverage from his point on the stage so much higher then the floor at which I stood.

I leaned past the man in front of me, sneaking a look out. John looked confused, kind of on edge a bit, but continued the song, yelling to the crowd and carrying on. The new, confident John could handle seeing the boy he just up and left two years ago. Well, good for him.

I decided to focus less on him and more on the rest of my surroundings. Girls were swaying and pushing against me, arms in the air, tone deaf singing along. I couldn’t find Megan as I whipped around and shoved past tons of preteen and teen girls. Tonight was definitely not going my way.

I figured I could just walk out; I had a better chance of finding Megan after the show then being in there now trying to find her in a swarm of girls that to me all just looked the same. John started into another song, removing his guitar and unhooking his microphone. I turned around one last time before I headed for the exit. All I could think was how they tell you never to stop and look back, always keep going. Looking back was the equivalent of tonight, seeing him, hearing him; it was all just a flashback, another cut reopened.

I shoved through the door into the brisk air, fumbling about my pockets for my carton of cigarettes. I took one out, lit it, and took a long drag as I stumbled around the building.

There was light coming from farther down the ally, most likely from one of the back doors of the venue. The hum of the crowd had slowed, and a few groups had settled for standing around the front, waiting for the chance to jump the boys, not noticing they could just sneak through the back. I blew smoke into the air, paying a bit too much attention to it, and not the figure coming near me. More light poured out; obvious some one was pushing the door open.