You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

Sarah and I had been standing selling shirts for what seemed like ages now. Every now and then a girl or a girl and her mom would come up, usually underage, squealing to us about the boys on stage, if only those girls knew. John made comments towards the girls in the crowd, and I fought against the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach I got from it. Sarah kept me busy; we both helped each other out, dancing a bit, laughing after some of the people would buy things, and just messing around.

Pour Some Sugar On Me came on, and John pelvic thrusted, winking to the audience. A large majority of the girls let out moans and squeals at it, and I just rolled my eyes. Sarah and I laughed at quite a few of the girls, reaching and gripping for John throughout the song. I started to impersonate him, arching my back and throwing my head back, pointing to the crowd, and we were struggling to breathe from laughing so hard. I made fun of it a lot, but when I looked up on stage it kind of made me melt too. It wasn’t like I was just a random fan though; I’d known the boy since we were kids.

“Alex…” Sarah trailed off, waving a hand in front of my face, a girl had been trying to hand me money when I zoned out, staring at John.

“Oh, sorry about that.” I mumbled, flashing the girl a smile and shoving the money in the box. I ran a hand through my hair, glad it was too dark for anyone to see how bad I was blushing.

“Having impure thoughts?” Sarah yelled into my ear. “Don’t make me get the hose out, boy.” I opened my mouth to yell back, but John’s voice filled the room, screaming at everyone to get louder, and I zoned out again, watching him strut about. I must have been doing it for a while, because Sarah walked over to me, and turned her water bottle upside down, soaking me. I gasped at the cold water.

“What even?!” I’d made myself look good, too, trying to impress John constantly.

Sarah just laughed endlessly, “I told you I’d hose you down.”

The show ended, and Sarah and I were still stuck, waiting for the girls to be done buying their merch, but other bands had to play too, so we had to wait through it all. I felt someone creep up behind me, and had a good feeling who it was.

“Hey!” John yelled, right behind me, reaching an arm around my shoulder, before dropping it. “Why’re you all wet?” He laughed, eyeing me a bit confused.

“Why are you wet?” I retorted, he was, he was soaking in himself.

“Because I was on stage, where, believe it or not, you were not. So what happened?”

“Uhm…” I blushed and looked towards Sarah.

“Well, see, what happened was, Alex over here was watching you on stage and getting way too hot. So, I took it upon myself to cool him down.” Sarah grinned innocently. John slid his hands past my shoulders from behind, leaning on me, and I gripped at his hands.

“So, I made you hot?” He breathed against my ear, and a shiver ran through my entire body. He just laughed, wiping the sweat off his forehead on my shoulder, before persuading girls into buying his merch. It was funny how embarrassed they got so quickly, all just from John speaking to them. I pulled the chair out, sitting on it, my shirt clinging to me. John eyed my lap, apparently wanting to sit down. “You’re going to get me all soaked if I sit on you…”

“John, you’re already soaked, and I’m not stripping in front of a bunch of overly horny teenage girls.”

John smirked, and began a chant. “Take it off.” Sarah joined in with him, and soon he had the line of girls walking past joining in, yelling just as loud. I crossed my arms, not buying it. I heard a girl in the background yell “How about you take it off John!” And looked up at him.

“Yeah, how about you take it off, John?” I tugged at the hem of his shirt and he ignored me, continuing with his followers, but I still wasn’t giving in and it all slowly died down, along with the embarrassment that came with it.

“Put this on then?” He held out one of the random shirts on the table.

“That would require me to still take it off.”

“And your point is?”

“John.”

“Just do it, alright?” I blushed, and John tugged me up and behind him, but I could feel his eyes watching me over his shoulder. I quickly changed shirts, sliding back into the chair I was originally sitting in. John slid into my lap, and one of my arms automatically went around him. I expected him to yell at me, but instead he grabbed it, holding on. I couldn’t see from behind his back, so he did most of the talking. He kept shifting in my lap, and it was getting uncomfortable. I squirmed underneath him, and he shifted even more.

“Cut it out, or get off.” I removed my hand from his, shoving against his back.

“Fine, I have stuff to take care of anyways.” He shoved off my lap, a bit of a tone to his voice, and I was really hoping we weren't going to end up fighting again. I sighed, and dropped my face into my hands, rubbing my eyes. It was going to be a long night, I decided, looking over at Sarah, who was finally rid of girls.

------

It was past three, and John still wasn't back yet. I realized they all went out and met with the fans, but the other boys had come back, and were all talking in the back room or passed out in the bunks, since they had another show we had to rush to the next day. I sat in the lounge, constantly checking the time. Sarah had attempted to stay awake with me, but fell asleep in the last half hour on the opposite side from me. My vision was starting to get foggy, and my legs ached from standing up and moving around all night. I leaned my head against the window, telling myself I’d give him just a little bit longer, to be fair, but I didn’t think I could handle staying awake any longer. I felt myself slipping into sleep, and I couldn’t fight it for long.

I woke up, face stuck against the window. I quickly stood up, trying to recall where I was at, before realizing I had fallen asleep in the lounge, waiting on John. I stumbled to the back room, to retrieve clothes for the day. Walking through the bunks I felt my eyes shift to John’s, that looked as untouched as it did the day before. I sighed, and shoved through my bags, pulling on a different shirt, and a cardigan that was way too big for me. I walked back out into the lounge, pulling the extra fabric around myself and my jeans. The guys started piling out every now and then, half-awake zombies, and I tried my hardest to not look too pathetic.

Jared looked around, his eyebrows furrowing. “Where’s John?”

“Fuck if I know.” I mumbled, picking at my cereal. Jared sat at the other side of the lounge.

“Did he even come home last night?” I bit my lip, thinking my words through before I spoke; no one needed to know I’d stayed up waiting.

“Uhm, not that I know of…?” It came out more of a question then a statement, and I forced myself to act like it was no big deal.

“Oh, well, I hope he didn’t get into too much trouble…”

“Yeah…me too.”

“We have to get going soon, so hopefully he’ll show, if not, we might have to cancel.”

“You guys would seriously cancel for that?” I let my eyes roam up, looking at Jared.

“Well, there’s kind of no show without John…and if he doesn’t get here soon, I don’t know how we’ll make it all in time.”

“Kennedy could sing, instead of John, I’ve heard him before…” I trailed off, not realizing how bitchy that sounded at first. But John shouldn’t be just going out like this, especially if it could mean canceling a show, and it was starting to get on my nerves.

It wasn’t long before the driver was here and ready to go, and we weren’t really sure what to do, John was still missing. Garrett attempted to stall, saying he lost the phone we all knew was right in his pocket, in the venue. Garrett had already stalled the past twenty minutes, and gave up, climbing back onto the bus. I bit my lip, staring at the door; we all did, hoping somehow John would walk in. The bus roared to life, and the driver went to put it into drive when John stumbled up the steps, shutting the door tight behind him. He slumped towards the bench, looking like a complete mess, and sat down, not even saying anything. We all stared at him; it was kind of natural, after he went missing a whole night. He didn’t answer anything, didn’t even look up from his feet.

“Well, where have you been, you can’t just leave us hanging like that John.” Pat spoke first, and I hugged my knees close to me.

“Out.” He answered, a bit ticky.

“Well, obviously. Maybe you shouldn’t just think about yourself for once!” I didn’t realize the words were coming out of my mouth, and I didn’t realize how loud I got either. John looked up at me, and I just wanted to hide, I didn’t want to deal with any of this right now.

“Maybe I wasn’t thinking about myself, and that’s why I was out? Alright? No one even asks if I’m alright, you all just start attacking, you don’t even know what I was fucking doing!” John got up, slamming the door to the bunks behind him.

------

John stayed back there all day. Some of the guys went back and forth, going to lie down, or sit in the back room, but I couldn’t bring myself to get up off of where I was sitting. Sarah sat down next to me, smiling politely.

“I’m sure he’s not that pissed at you…he probably just had a rough night…But last night was fun,” She switched the topic on me. “I didn’t think I could have so much fun selling overpriced shirts to a swarm of obsessed girls, did you see how outrageous some of them got? Like, honestly, I feel bad for the guys.”

“Mmmhmmm.” I mumbled.

“Anyways, the next town we get to stop in, we should go shopping or something, hey?”

“Yeah,” I forced a small smile, “That’d be pretty cool.” Of course the minute I was smiling, John walked back out into the lounge, making my face drop all over again. Sarah excused herself to the back, leaving me alone with John, which wasn’t what I wanted. His hair stuck out messily in every direction, and he slid into Sarah’s old spot, next to me. He laid his head on my shoulder, and I let one of my hands drape loosely around him, not sure what to do. He moved over, straddling me and burying his head deep in my neck. I rubbed his back lightly.

“So…where were you last night?” The question was going to come out, whether he wanted to answer it or not. “I waited up…”

“I told you, I was out.” He spoke firmly, but his voice was really hoarse, making him sound more like a sick little kid then someone trying to prove a point.

“Well, what did you do, while you were out?”

“I had some things I had to take care of, and then I went out for a few.”

“What kind of things?” I knew I was pressing the issue too much, and would probably just send him into another fit, but he was just acting too odd for me to let it go.

“Things.” He sighed and pushed off of me, getting up. “I have to go get ready, are you going to help out with merch again?”

“Do I really have a choice, John?”

He rubbed his eyes and tried to untangle his hair. “No, I guess not.”

------

We’d arrived at the venue, barely making it, and we all had to rush to get ready. I stayed backstage for a little while, not wanting to leave John’s side just yet, making sure he was going to be alright. I sat on the floor, while Pat played on my shoes with his drumsticks. Kennedy was talking to John about something, and then the two ended up close enough I could hear the conversation a little.

“Is stuff going alright with you and Jenny? I mean it has to be something that’s got you all messed up, John. You’re not really the kind to stress over things.”

John glanced over at me, and he seemed a little better, now that this subject was being addressed. He kept eye contact with me the whole time he talked, not really addressing Kenny. “I broke up with Jenny.”

“Shit, man, really? I’m sorry.”

“No, its fine, I had to do it.” He knew I heard him, and he gave me a weak smile. I got up, without even saying anything and half ran to the merch table, and Sarah. I slid into the chair next to her, leaning over, so the groups of girls already there wouldn’t hear me.

“So…I just found out something…” I trailed off, smiling a bit too much. I felt like I’d been waiting forever to hear what had just happened, but then at the same time, I was trying to calm myself down.

“Hm?”

“John broke up with Jenny.” I stated simply.

“So that means…”

“It doesn’t really mean anything…I guess…John and I aren’t really anything…”

“So what are you two then, friends with benefits?” She nudged me.

“Sarah! We haven’t done anything like that…” I bit my lip.

“Yeah, okay, I totally believe you.” She rearranged the shirts on the table, and I glanced down at my feet.

“Do you think he’ll ask me…?”

“Ask you…?”

“My god, Sarah, keep up with me here. Do you think he’ll ask to be more? Now that she’s out of the picture.”

“Maybe? You know, John, though. He really seems to like you, but I wouldn't get your hopes up.” I felt the smile fall off of my face, and turned back to the stage, waiting for the show to be over.

Sarah kept me busy through most of the show, bringing up jokes, and trying to make everything positive, to go against what she said about John. We were waiting outside now, and I was freezing, jumping up and down with my hands buried deep in my hoodie. The guys were talking to fans and we were stuck waiting on them to finish so we could go eat and discuss plans for tomorrow. I put my hood up, and tried my best to stand still, but the wind hit me, and I was bouncing all over again.

“Calm down, will you?” Sarah laughed, she was fine, she didn’t seem cold at all, and I was almost jealous of her for it.

“Sorry.” I stopped bouncing and leaned against the wall behind me, shivering still. The guys seemed to take forever, but you had to take into consideration the large group of fans that waited around ages to get pictures and talk to them. But I showed no mercy to my hate on them when I was freezing to the extent that I was. I looked over at Sarah again, before clinging to her the way I did when we first met.

“You better hope Garrett doesn’t see you.”

“You better hope Garrett sees me and actually does something for once.” Sarah blushed. “Well come on, it’s been like two weeks since you got with us, how hard can it be?”

“I don’t know…I’m just not the one to say…”

“If you two don’t soon, I’m going to, like I’m not even kidding.”

“And this is coming from the boy whose been John’s little toy for the past month.”

“Ouch, well, thanks for the reminder, not like I wasn’t there or anything.”

”Sorry, I was just saying, you preach about how I have to make him get with me, you didn’t even make John break up with Jenny, did you?”

“Can we just drop this? But know, I’ll have my eyes on you and Garrett for the next couple days.”

“Oh, alright. As long as you enjoy what you see.”

“Oh, of course.” Garrett posed for his last picture, swaying over to where Sarah and I were, yawning. I winked at Sarah and let go, leaving them to be alone. I gathered up the last bit of courage I had left for the day, and walked over to where John was.

“Hey.” He smiled. “You guys getting ready to go or?”

“Yeah, I guess.” I bit my lip and stuck my hands in my jean pockets. “I mean, I’m sure you guys want food, and it’s a little chilly…” I fought back a shiver.

“Alright.” He apologized to the girls, telling them how he had to go and all, and then caught up with me, as I walked back to where Garrett was. The rest of the guys followed suit, detaching themselves from the crowds. I wasn’t even sure where we were going, probably just walking for a bit at first until the guys figured it out.

“So…” I started, keeping my voice low. “You and Jenny…”

“What about us?” He slung an arm around my shoulders as we walked.

“I don’t know…what happened there?”

“You know sometimes…you just have to look back at everything, and think, a lot…and you realize what’s important, or what’s most important, I should say.” I really hoped he was talking about me, but I couldn’t be sure, so I just smiled, not really at anything, more at the ground.

“I need to do that, one of these days…” I spoke quietly, not realizing it’d been a while since either of us had spoken.

“Hm?”

“I don’t know, take time, think about what’s important…before I do something stupid.”

“Oh…” His voice trailed off into the silence between us. None of the guys were close enough for our conversations to cross. “What’s something stupid, for example?”

“Mmmmm…” I thought for a minute. “Well, Brett wasn’t a well thought out plan…And maybe this, all of this, wasn’t so well thought out…” John looked at me, and his eyebrows furrowed.

“You’re not saying you want to go home, are you?” I felt something hit my hand, and looked up to the sky, it was starting to drizzle. I opened my mouth to answer him, but then the rain poured down and the guys took off running under the first building they saw.

“We’re probably best off running back to the bus…” Jared looked around. “Because it doesn’t look like its giving up soon, and we’d have to walk all the way back and it’s going to be a mess. “ Everyone agreed, and we started trucking it back towards the bus. Sarah and Garrett were ahead of us, dancing about and laughing, before he pulled her into him, and I couldn’t help but smile at the two of them.

John had removed his arm from me, and taken off running. I had to move fast to keep up with him, since he took longer strides then me, and my clothes sagged the wetter I got. I ended up having to hold onto my pants as I ran, fearing they’d fall straight to the ground if I stopped. The bus was in sight, but the boys no longer were as I fought against the cold rain hitting my face. I tried to yell out to John a few times, to ask him to slow down, so I could tell him it was all going to be alright. He kept going though, and so I continued on, finally starting to catch up to him. We were almost to the bus, and I grabbed for his waist. He spun me around, pressing me up against the side of it, as the rain continued to pour down, soaking us both. His arms held my wrists, pinning me up so I couldn’t get away.

“Don’t leave, please.” His eyes begged with his voice, and I felt something in my chest tighten painfully. “I know I fucked up, I know I shouldn’t have left in the first place. We were so young, Alex, so fucking young. And I’m still fucking up. Up until this point; I’ve been fucking up everything.” His voice weakened. “But please…just don’t. His eyes were watery, and his body slumped against mine a little, he looked defeated, and he released my arms, trying to push away when I didn’t answer. I reached up, hooking my arms around his neck, pushing down to get him closer to me. He leaned in, and I stood up on my toes at first, pressing my lips against his softly before rocking back, tugging him down. He slid his hands down from my waist where they sat, gripping under my legs and tugging them up to his hips, holding me in the air. He pressed me back up against the bus, lips still crashing down on mine as I twisted and entangled my fingers in his wet mess of hair. John broke away from me, his chest rising and falling fast, and I couldn’t help but laugh a little at how soaked we both were. He must’ve noticed too, and his hands slid up in between my back and the bus, trying to get a grip on my clothes to tug them off. I moved a bit, blocking his hands from succeeding.

“John…we’re outside, and they’ll be running here any minute.” I spoke softly, John’s nose rested against mine, and I ran my thumb along the side of his face.

“I don’t care, I really, don’t care.” I smiled, but all the same didn’t shift for him.

“You’ll regret it.” I pressed, as his hands continued to work, separating my hoodie from my shirt.

“Uh huh.” He mumbled, most likely not even listening to me, and tugged at my hoodie. I tried my best to stay in the air, hooked to John as I threw my hands above my head, letting him tug off my hoodie. It landed loudly against the ground, probably weighing close to what I weighed by now, from all the water it’d been soaking up. I scrambled, grabbing onto his neck again, and his hands began work on my shirt. I slid a hand back, gripping his.

“John.” He sighed, releasing all hold on me, and leaned his forehead against mine. My feet hit the ground finally, shaking a bit, and I smiled up at John, his crooked smile brighter then it had been in a while. He pulled away from me, kissing the top of my head, and climbed up onto the bus, mumbling about dry clothes.