You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

“Come on.” I groaned, following John around the bus as he searched for something, what I wasn’t exactly sure. “I can handle being in the crowd.” One of the crew guys made a deal with me, saying he’d take over merch for the night, giving me and Sarah a break. John wanted me to sit backstage like a good boy, and wait for him.

“I already told you, no. What’s so wrong with being backstage, you can see us better from there anyways.” He muttered, bending over and scrambling through piles of random things that had been sitting in the back room.

“What’s so wrong with letting me be in the crowd like a normal fan? You don’t have to spoil me all the time; I’m fine with just being in the crowd.” John sighed. “And I won’t be alone, Sarah’ll be there too, we can handle it, come on.”

“Right, Sarah. You’re both like the size of twelve year olds, and Garrett probably doesn’t want her getting crushed.” He had a point, at my prime I was five-foot-seven, which was incredibly pathetic to be a guy and done growing.

“I believe I was in your crowd like a month ago.” I tried my hardest to keep fighting, hoping I’d get my way.

“I believe you ditched.”

“But Sarah went to one of your shows and stayed. I’ll be fine with her. Come on John.” I whined, stretching out his name for what felt like ages.

“Whatever, fine, do what you want.” He shoved past me, walking to the front of the bus, and I followed obediently. He didn’t continue the conversation any further, and turned around, giving me a look to leave him alone. And so I did, running off the bus trying to locate Sarah to tell her about tonight.

I finally caught a glimpse of her, sitting outside the venue in Garrett’s lap, messing around. I walked up to them, and blush could be seen on both their faces.

“Hey bitch, I got my way, we’re going to be in the crowd tonight.” I smiled widely, and Garrett shot me a look, raising his eyebrows.

“And John’s totally okay with this?”

“He more or less just kind of gave in…” I trailed off, and his eyebrows furrowed. Garrett pushed up on Sarah, getting her to stand up, and walked back to the bus.

------

It was right before the concert, and Sarah and I were pumped, and no matter what the boys said, going ahead with our plans. I saw John’s eyes drift over to me every now and then as they got ready for the show, obviously filled with worry.

Right before we had to separate, I made sure to drag John off, pulling him into one of the backstage rooms by his wrist. He shut the door, pressing me up against it, his face hovering over mine.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know…I just wanted to make sure you were going to be alright, you looked a bit messed up…”

“I’m going to look a little messed up; something about tonight just seems off.”

“Or maybe you’re just overreacting because you don’t think I can handle being without you. You’ll be up higher then I am, you’ll be able to see me, I’m sure.”

He bit his lip, and sighed. “Yeah…”

“I promise I’ll stay with Sarah, alright?” I played with his long sleeve shirt, undoing the top two buttons.

“Promise me you’ll get the fuck out if things go wrong, that’s what I care about more…” I just nodded, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to get out if things went wrong, but I wanted John to feel more secure. He kissed my forehead, mumbling an “I love you” against it, before reaching for the door handle. “Go get out there, before I change my mind and lock you in here.” He smiled crookedly and I pushed past him, sliding out the door to hunt down Sarah again.

Girls were swaying and moving everywhere, and I was already feeling suffocated. The venue was smaller then the past few, and almost seemed to have more girls in it. Sarah wanted to work our way to the front, she was always discussing wanting to be up front, and so I figured it was the best thing to do, and that way John could see me better. We switched holds every now and then, going from holding hands to gripping wrists, shirts, anything on the other we could keep up with by holding onto. Sarah was ahead of me, and I was trying desperately to shove to keep up with her, but then I felt a lack of touch on my arm, realizing I’d lost her. I tried not to panic, but the only thing that could come to mind was the first promise I’d just broken, staying with Sarah. I stood up as tall as I could, trying to move about to get a better look, hoping to catch her somewhere, weeding through. But then I knew where she was going, to the front, and figured maybe if I worked my way up I could find her and it would all be alright.

It seemed like it would be easy, but the farther up I pushed, the closer and tighter and harder to keep it together it became. I was a good deal close to the front when John started directing the crowd, and I wanted to yell at him to stop it, but it wasn’t like he’d be able to hear me, fuck, he probably couldn’t even see me as it was. The crowd started moving, jumping about, “freaking the fuck out” and it got even harder to breathe, getting pushed and shoved from all sides.

Apparently it wasn’t enough for John, and he called them out on it, screaming for them to move more, to yell louder. The force of everyone moving knocked me off my feet, and I couldn’t breathe. It felt much like the old summers we’d spent at the pools, when everyone knew I couldn’t swim, but demanded I do things anyways, because they didn’t want to have to stay in the shallow end. And when they wouldn’t pay attention I’d go under, and it seemed like eternities of not being able to get up, and no one helping you up.

I couldn’t find any way to get back up, trying my best just to avoid getting totally trampled. My attempts were futile though, when a rather heavy pair of feet fell onto my right wrist, over and over. I thought I felt something snap, and I tried to ignore the pain burning through my arm. I was trying so hard to keep it together until I could get up, and that was when the feet fell onto my wrist again. Whether it was the same person or not, I wasn’t sure, but this time something snapped. I tried my hardest not to cry, screaming out “fuck” as loud as I could, even though I knew no one could hear me over the band, and John.

I continued to swear under my breath, I couldn’t even move my arm without going into mind blowing pain, and hoped no one would jump on me again. The song stopped, and I heard John questioning a girl in the audience.

“Where the fuck is he?” It was followed by screams from a ton of girls, and I couldn’t really decipher what was said back, as I struggled even harder to ignore the pain. “Fuck!” John yelled loudly. “I need everyone to stop moving, alright? Pick those people up! Pick them up! I’m fucking serious right now. So fucking serious, pick them up!” He yelled louder now. Someone near me reached a hand down, and knowing my luck, gripped my right wrist, yanking me harshly off the ground. My head spun, and for a minute everything was just a flash of lights and dizziness, as I went in and out. I heard a shriek, not realizing it had come from me. I ripped at the girl’s hand, digging my nails in, and pulled my arm into my chest, letting out a whimper no one heard.

John spoke again to whatever girl it was in the audience, not into the microphone, but he screamed the words all the same, I couldn’t hear from where I was at. John calmed the audience down, and went back into another song, even though it was obvious his heart wasn’t in it anymore. I’d broken every promise I’d made about tonight, and I hoped maybe John was more worried then he was pissed, but I doubted it. I tried to stay out of the way of everyone, clinging to my wrist, letting out a whimper every now and then.

Someone gripped onto my waist, and I looked down, happy to see Sarah finally. I bit my lip hard, still fighting all the burning in my arm, and now in my eyes. Sarah looked up at me, and wasn’t moving too fast, her eyes wild and scared. I linked my good arm around her shoulders and we both shoved the best we could. I winced constantly; getting pushed in any direction seemed to hurt.

We dragged ourselves up to the front, surely both of us aching, and got security to pull us out. I felt John’s eyes on me, and knew I was definitely going to have to pay for tonight. Sarah and I flashed our passes climbing backstage. We sat on the side of the stage, and between looks from Garrett and John, I didn’t even want to have to wait for them. We checked out each other a bit, and I was pretty sure Sarah had fucked up her ribs. Of course that caused her to bitch me out for making her have to stay in the front for so long to get John’s attention, and she had repeatedly gotten slammed into the railing.

“You have to fucking let me see it.” John growled, trying to grab for my wrist, and it almost hurt worse to keep pulling it away from him then I knew it would if I just gave up.

“No, you can’t touch it!” We were getting bitched at massively, Sarah and I, by John and Garrett. It felt very much like she was my sister, and we’d gotten caught doing things we’d been warned about. John was the pushover dad, and Garrett was the old-fashioned strict mom.

“I thought you were going to keep track of each other! Alex told me he’d be fine with you.” John scolded Sarah, and Garrett suddenly turned his anger towards John.

“Maybe you shouldn’t let your boyfriend win you over so easily, you knew something like this was going to happen! And you practically just stood by and let it!” The two started going at it, and I sighed, swinging my legs out from the box I was sitting on. I blocked them out the best I could, it was really stupid to fight over all this. I looked down at my wrist, it was all swollen, and it was starting to bruise as it ached. It didn’t look overly crooked to me, but it sure felt like it had been totally shifted out of place, I guess I wasn’t the one to determine it. John walked back over, not even letting me fight this time, and tugged my arm out, gripping my wrist tightly at first. My eyes watered and I bit my lip hard, struggling even harder not to cry, or flip out on him.

“Shit, babe.” He loosened his grip, trying to turn it so he could see, but not actually turn my wrist.

“Can I have it back now?” I asked politely. John sighed, and let go.

“You’re gonna have to get that seen, you know…” Garrett spoke, a little nicer now. “And you.” He pointed at Sarah. “You’re going too; I’m not putting up with all of this.”

“I’m not going to the hospital!” Sarah yelled back.

“Doesn’t really matter what you say.”

“Seriously, I’m not going.”

“I’m bigger; I’ll carry you, if I have to.” I sighed and leaned forward, the top of my head hitting John’s chest.

“Can we just go, alright? I want this all to be over with already.” John snapped. Sarah sighed, exaggerating and dragging it out so it was so much louder. I hopped off the box, hugging my wrist to my chest, and followed John out the exit. We were going to have to walk, but luckily it wasn’t too bad out, and I was getting used to the cold.

We walked in silence, both of them obviously still not over what happened. We made it through the doors, and John ordered us to sit down, going up to the front desk. The waiting room of urgent care wasn’t overly full; a few people that maybe had the flu were there, but hidden back in a separate area of the room. I knew from experience it was going to be a long time before Sarah or I got called up to go in a room. John sat down next to me, and I leaned my head against his shoulder, trying to fall asleep so I wouldn’t have to think about my wrist, but anytime I tried it would just hurt even worse.

It seemed like years had gone by, more like an hour of watching people come in and go back out, but our names never being called. I found myself leaning more and more on John, and he let his fingers run lightly over my bad arm, because he couldn’t reach the other. It had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even going to fight anymore, and just let it go. I looked to my left for one of the few times since we got here, since I’d been avoiding dirty looks from Garrett, but now Sarah no longer sat next to me, instead awkwardly curled up on Garrett.

Apparently I’d been falling in and out of sleep, and didn’t hear my name getting called. John nudged me a little, and I glanced over at the nurse standing next to the front desk.

“Alexander Burhming?” She repeatedly spoke, glancing about, and I weakly raised my good arm, getting up to follow her down to the exam room.

I hated it every time the nurse chose to turn over my wrist. She’d already informed me that I did a good job of breaking it, because I really needed her to tell me that. I was stuck in the room waiting for the doctor, even though I knew it’d be ages and then he’d send me off to an x-ray and I’d come back and sit for ages again just for me to tell me it was broken. I halfway wished I’d brought John in with me, so he could sit here and make jokes, or just talk, and make the time pass.

I was walking back from the x-ray area of the hospital, when I passed by the waiting room on my way back. Apparently Sarah was in a room now too, and Garrett had gone with her. John was by himself entirely in the waiting room, pacing back and forth, his hands running through his hair. He saw me and smiled weakly, waving, before pulling out his phone and going outside, probably to check up on the other guys.

After what felt like even more hours wasted, I stumbled drowsily into the waiting room, bulky cast stuck to my right arm. Sarah and Garrett had fallen asleep, and John looked like he was about to.

“Ready?” He asked, groggily. I nodded, and walked over, giving the couple a light shove.

We were back on the bus and John, Sarah, and Garrett sat out in the lounge, the television on, even though I was sure they’d both pass out soon. I’d gone in the bathroom to strip down, after John had given me one of his shirts that was big enough to get over my cast, and a pair of my own pajama pants. He didn’t want me to have to fight my way into the backroom when I couldn’t even open the doors. Between the pressure and bulkiness of the cast, and the pain still radiating from my wrist, I was handicapped when it came to changing. I struggled, opening the bathroom door and waddled out, overly embarrassed at the fact that I needed assistance.

John took in the sight of me, pants half undone and laughed softly. “Need help, boo?” I felt my face burn even brighter, and he just smiled, getting up.

“Hey Sarah, do you need any help?” Garrett mocked John, leaning in Sarah’s face.

“Stop.” She mumbled, blushing. “You already got to see enough today.” John whistled and wrapped his arms around my waist, steering me back towards the bathroom. He closed the door tightly behind us, and my stomach flopped a little, not sure what to expect, but he just did what I asked, gently tugging my shirt over my head.

He was in the process of helping me get my cast through the sleeve of his shirt when I broke the silence. “I’m sorry.” I mumbled. “About tonight and all…”

“Don’t be.” His hands slid down, unzipping my pants and bending over to slide them off. I gripped his back as he tugged them off, before stepping into the pajama pants. He stood back up, and hooked his arms around my waist, tugging me into him. “It just got out of hand, it’s not really anyone’s fault. Well, it’s kind of all of ours…You have no clue how fucking scared I was.”

-------

I woke up out in the lounge, unfortunately laying on my cast, and my wrist wouldn’t stop aching. I searched about the kitchen, trying to find meds of any kind, but found none. I walked back to my original seat, shoving John lightly, who had been lying next to me.

“Mmmm, what, baby?”

“Do you have a show tonight?” I whispered, hoping I hadn’t already woken up anyone. It was noon though, and so if they did wake up, It was for their own good.

“No.” He stretched out, sitting up and yawning. “Not for another day.”

“Kay, then we’re going out.”

“Going out?”

“To that Target down the street? I need meds.” I groaned, and he nodded messing up my hair.

“Want me to help you get dressed, before everyone gets up?” He winked at me.

“Yeah…that’d probably be best.”

Redressed, I turned on my laptop, playing music as loud as I could. I heard a lot of swearing coming from the bunk room, and a few thumps as the boys fell out of the bunks. They all stumbled out in t-shirts and boxers, intent on killing me and going back to bed, but stopped when they saw my arm.

“What happened to you last night?” Pat yawned, sliding beside me. I nudged Sarah, who was across the lounge with my foot, making sure she was awake to see Garrett in his underwear, since I was sure he’d seen her shirtless during the exam, from the way they’d been carrying on.

“Oh, nothing, just almost got killed at your concert. It’s broken, no big deal.”

“And Sarah has bruised ribs, they were being dumbasses.” Garrett interjected, digging food out of the fridge, making sure I couldn’t take all the sympathy.

“We weren’t being dumbasses; you guys just have too obsessed fan girls.” I stated simply. “Now, I’ve awoken you all because you need to get dressed within the next ten minutes, because I have no pain medication.”

“Seriously? All of us? Just so you can get meds? Make Pat or someone take you.” Kennedy whined.

“I figured we’d hang out at Target…and not sit in the bus all day…And you guys can refill your food, and mess around in the toy section or whatever, and there’s Starbucks…” I didn’t realize they had all one by one left to go get dressed while I was in the middle of talking. “Alright, apparently no one cares what I have to say…”

John laughed, and laid his head in my lap. “Does getting dressed and ready include me?”

“If you don’t want to go out in the same outfit from last night…” He sighed and got up off of me, heading towards the back, so I was stuck by myself, Sarah was in the bathroom, not big on changing in rooms full of guys.

-------

First thing in the door of Target I went right to the mini Starbucks. The guys rattled off orders to me, and I tried my hardest to keep them straight in my head. John tagged along, carrying them all but mine. We’d strayed off, somehow ending up by house wares, but I didn’t mind too much, falling into step with him. He turned down an aisle, which led to nothing, as there were shelves against a wall when you came out of it. I was walking a bit faster then him, and got to the end of the aisle first, sitting down on one of the shelves. John set the cardboard carrier full of drinks next to me, looking around. I set my coffee down and reached forward, grabbing the unzipped sides of his jacket in an attempt to pull him closer.

“Alex, no.” He mumbled, and pulled my hands off.

“No one is going to see, John.” I bit my lip, looking up at him, but he just continued to stand in front of me, a few feet away.

“I don’t know where the guys are at, and with my luck, I’m sure there’s fans here, maybe even the ones who broke your wrist.” I opened my mouth, to say something witty back, but ended up just closing it, it wasn’t worth the fighting. I sighed and stood back up, grabbing my coffee again.

After I’d gotten what I’d hoped were strong enough meds, we made our way back towards clothes, men’s, specifically. Garrett and Kennedy were looking at clothes, while Sarah told them what would look good and what wouldn’t. Apparently Pat and Jared had traveled down towards the music and games section. It was on our way down to the games section when I finally realized I was hearing snickering and voices, and it wasn’t just in my head. Whipping around, I caught a glimpse of a group of teenage girls, trying to keep their voices down as they trailed behind us. I sighed, almost regretting coming out today, and nudged John’s hip. He was in the middle of a conversation with Kennedy, continuing to speak before finally looking down at me.

“Look behind you.” I mumbled. John pretended to scratch the back of his head, turning around just as the girls started to freak out again, probably getting the courage to talk to the guys. One of the girls separated from the group, and they all clung to her, before more whispering and one of them tapped Garrett on the shoulder, all of them talking at once. John shoved me back behind him, I didn’t really get the point of it, the girls probably didn’t even notice I was there, or probably thought I was just part of the crew. I knew this was the kind of stuff that set Sarah on edge, the kind of stuff that was why she hated being away from Garrett, which I could understand. She seemed to have made herself a permanent attachment to Garrett’s arm, when the girls wanted to pose with Garrett, and hug him like crazy, and she ended up just standing by herself.

“Whatever, let’s roll, bitch.” She hooked her arm through mine after we’d just been standing there quietly for a while. As we walked away, the guys shot us a few helpless looks, but we just kept on walking, leaving them to their fun. We roamed the store, and found our way to the art aisles. Sarah was already determined to decorate my cast as much as possible.

We went ahead and bought my meds and her markers, so that way I could take them already and she could start writing as soon as possible. I wasn’t allowed to look while she wrote though. We made our way back around the store again, finding the guys, and dragged them out before anyone else could get their hands on them.

------

On the bus, Garrett, Pat, John, Sarah and I were crammed into the lounge, the boys talking loudly amongst themselves. Sometimes things would get out of hand and they’d start wrestling, but the bus was moving and so it probably was not the best idea. Sarah sat nest to me, doodling on my cast as I zoned out, staring out the window, since I wasn’t allowed to see what she was writing and drawing. Pat had joined her a few times, but I still hadn’t gotten to see it. With the amount of time she was spending it was obvious something had her upset, she hadn’t said a word to Garrett since the Target incident, and seemed to avoid him at best.

Sarah had finally announced she was done, and I was just about to turn to look at it when I heard John. “Hey, hold on.” Sarah slid out of the seat next to me, and was replaced with John. I couldn’t turn my head to look at him without getting yelled at, but I could easily tell who it was. He turned my wrist over gently in his hand, apparently trying to find somewhere to write, before he started, warning me not to move.

“Alright.” He breathed out, his breath hit my arm and it tickled. “You can look now.” I finally turned from the window, glancing over the bright letters on my cast. Sarah had written ‘Faggot’ big enough to cover the whole front of it, then smaller “ily bff fo l” followed by numerous doodles and lines and faces. Pat had scribbled something about Butter Croissant Baby. I turned it over, trying to find what John had wrote, since he wrote smaller then both of them.

I found it; finally, on the curve of where my thumb had been cut out, he’d scrawled a date, and then a few lines from their own song, Into Your Arms. The boldest being “Let me back into your arms.” I knew it’d probably take me a while to figure out what the date meant, knowing it was just something from three years ago, probably not even that relevant. I smiled all the same, thanking them and trying to keep my hands to myself, since John stayed sitting next to me. I could feel the heat coming off his body onto my bare arm and I coughed, getting up and shoving Sarah with my good arm.

“I can’t believe you wrote that on there! No one is going to take me seriously with faggot written that big and that colorful.” I couldn’t stop laughing, and she just smiled innocently.

The guys retreated to the back room, to play a game, or watch a movie, or something, and Sarah stayed out in the front with me, apparently still not on good terms with Garrett. I figured I’d bring it up with her, even though my mind was still set on the date scribbled onto my arm.

“So…what’s going on with you two?” I looked over at her, once they’d all left.

She bit her lip, twirling one of the markers on the table. “I don’t know…I guess it’s just worrying, a lot, about him finding someone else, and the fan girls being more important than me…and he still hasn’t asked me out.”

“Still?” She nodded. “Looks like I have work to do then…” I trailed off, not realizing I’d zoned out staring at the dates again.

“What day was that?”

“Honestly, I can’t remember.” I laughed. That was the summer after John had graduated; I’d established that so far, since I spent practically every day of that summer with him or at his house. “Did you talk to Garrett about it at all…?”

“Do you honestly think I have that much time with him?”

“More time then I get…you could pull him aside, or I could distract the guys or something…”

“You think he’d talk about it, if I brought it up?” She smiled shyly.

“Be a man, come on, Sarah. Garrett isn’t going to do anything, if at all; it’ll just shove him into finally doing it.”

She stood up, pacing a bit confused at first, and then headed towards the back. I yelled “Good luck” after her, getting up to find something to eat.

I laid on the one chair, bored out of my mind in the lounge. I wasn’t in the mood to go in the back, and almost wanted to just steal someone’s bunk and sleep. We weren’t driving anymore, and Sarah pushed out from the bunk room, making me jump a little, dragging Garrett behind her. They flew out the bus door; apparently she was taking my advice and finally talking to Garrett. I closed my eyes, hoping I could just fall asleep, but my mind wouldn’t shut off for anything.

Someone pushed the door open, making me jump again, but this time it was John. I sat up, smiling a bit too much for just seeing him. His hair was a mess as usual; today in particular it was all sticking out on one side. He sat down next to me, not touching me at all, just sitting there, and it almost felt like a tease.

“So, did you figure out that day?” He laughed softly, taking a sip from his water bottle and leaning back.

“Not…exactly?” I mumbled, hoping I wouldn’t offend him.

“So, you hold it to me constantly about how I left…but you don’t want to remember the good times? Fuck, Alex, that was the first day I kissed you. Do you not remember at all?” I bit my lip as I racked my brain for that day. I didn’t think I’d remember it at all, but then the pieces started filling in the cracks in between it all.

--------

It wasn’t too long after summer had already started, and John and I had done just about everything there was to do in Tempe. It was beyond hot out, like it usually was in June, above one hundred. Both of our hair, uncut and wild, was stuck to our faces as we sat outside trying to figure out what to do for the day. John wanted to spend a day inside, after he got badly sunburned yesterday in a game of basketball. I wanted to stay outside, enjoying every bit of how nice it was. He was whining like no tomorrow any time the sun would even get near him, and sometimes I honestly questioned if he was really the older one of the two of us.

He stood up, towering way over me, since I was sitting on his front steps. “Can’t we just go inside? I’ll make it up to you tomorrow or something, fuck, Lex, please?”

“But there’s nothing to do inside, and your mom’ll throw us out if we get too rowdy, she always does.” I picked at the grass, half dead from the lack of rain lately.

“I’ll take you out for ice cream tonight, once it gets darker and cooler out…” He had me sold there, I had to admit. I had a thing for summer evenings, when the humidity was dropping, and everything just seemed so calm. I sighed and put a hand out for him to help me up, but he threw me over his shoulder instead, as I beat my hands against his lower back, yelling at him. John was one of the few guys that for his immense size didn’t pick on me for being the opposite. If anything he was more awkward then me, so he really had no room to talk. He pushed open the front door, as I still dangled hopelessly, and I heard his mom yell before we were even fully in the door, telling us to just go back outside. He reached back, tugging up his cutoffs, and let go, leaving me to scramble on the floor.

His mom stood in the space between the living room and the kitchen, ready to yell. “John, it’s nice out, come on.”

“It’s just me and Alexander.” He stretched out my name all long and proper, the way his mom liked it. I smiled shyly, standing behind John a little. “And we’re not going to be in all day, I promise.” She sighed and went back into the computer room, the fan on full blast. I slipped my shoes off, following John out to the living room. I already knew what movie he was going to choose before he said it, Labyrinth. John was a bit of a David Bowie freak at times, and it was a love of his as a kid, and he loved reliving childhood. I sat on the couch, followed by a collapsing John, who stretched out to his body’s full potential, shoving his legs on top of my lap. I let my hands fall on top of them, we always ended up all tangled up, but after years of this stuff, it wasn’t a big deal anymore.

John was killing me with the movie, and I pushed back my greasy hair off of my forehead, wiping it on the shoulder of my shirt. He knew practically all the words, and would mumble them throughout the movie, in between glancing over at me, which I assumed was to make sure I hadn’t become totally bored with him. I let my eyes travel over to him at one point, fighting all the urges in my body that went off. I knew John was straight, even though he really wasn’t a ladies man, and wouldn’t admit if he’d even kissed a girl before, which we all would tease him about, saying he must not have then. I didn’t realize I’d been staring, and John looked up, his green eyes locking onto mine, before he looked down immediately. I swore it looked like he’d been blushing, but then I just told myself it had to be my imagination. Seems my imagination was acting up more and more, and I didn’t know if I could even keep hanging out with him if it kept up. Telling yourself over and over that there’s no way he’s going to want you starts to hurt after a while, especially when your brain likes to tease you back about it.

He laughed, turning on the couch so he lay on his back now, tilted up on his elbows. “Still alive, Alex?”

“What?” I snapped out of my thoughts, trying to compose myself quickly. “Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking about something…”

“Wanna go upstairs? I’m not really in the mood to watch a movie anymore.” This seemed to happen half the time with John; it was hard to keep him focused on anything for long.

“Yeah…sure.” I bit my lip, shoving his legs off me, and getting up. He smiled crookedly, and dashed for the steps, turning it into a competition, like everything else. I trailed close behind, but he blocked the way so I couldn’t get ahead of him if I wanted to.
------

I walked around, playing with random objects in John’s room, as he sat against his bed on the floor, quieter then he usually was, just watching me. I stole a piece of gum off of his dresser, before continuing on my raid.

“Hey Alex?” John asked, his voice a lot quieter and more serious then he would usually begin most of our conversations. I climbed onto his bed, cracking his window a little bit, before relaxing into it, focusing on the back of his head.

“Yeah?” I responded, not really sure what this talk was going to be about.

“H-Have-” He started, and his voice cracked. He coughed, trying to cover it up, I waited for him to blame it on puberty, and not the fact that he was nervous, but he was a few years late for that excuse. I really didn’t get why he was even nervous to begin with, we’d discussed the craziest things, that’s just how it was when you spent most of your awkward teenage years with someone. He leaned his head back against the mattress, and I noticed he had his eyes shut tightly. I played with his hair lightly, trying to convince him to continue. “Have…have you ever like, kissed a guy before...or like thought about it?” He bit his lip, and his face winced a little. It was obvious something was bugging him. I tried to not get too nervous, thinking he had figured me out, and my heart started to race in my chest.

“Does it seem like I would?” I tried to my best to keep my voice low, not sounding anxious and scared. I continued to play with his hair, staring out the window at first. I looked back and he’d opened his eyes, looking at me. “Well?” My voice shook a little. John’s bottom lip disappeared into his mouth, and he got up, sitting on the bed, but not too close to me.

“I don’t know…I wasn’t saying that…can’t you just answer the question? I mean, you’re my best friend; I wouldn’t come to you if I didn’t trust you enough…” He mumbled and played with frayed strings on his cutoffs.

“Well…” I started, “I’d assume its different then kissing girls...” John nodded, not taking his eyes off his comforter. “Do you want to like, try it? Is that why you brought it up?”

“Y-Yeah, k-kind of.” He stuttered, and looked up, his eyes meeting mine. “I’d just not want to do it with anyone though...” I opened my mouth to ask him who he meant, but it didn’t matter. He crawled closer to me with each word, and my breath caught in my throat, linking everything together. My heart slammed hard in my chest, and the back of my head hit his headboard as I scooted back involuntarily. I thought it’d throw him back, and I’d regret it, but instead he just continued moving closer, and I propped myself up halfway as he climbed on top of me. His eyes watched mine carefully; to make sure he hadn’t done anything to upset me further. He placed his arms shakily on either side of me, holding himself up, and his face leaned close to mine, his fast, nervous breath hitting me. He looked up at me one last time, before closing his eyes, and awkwardly pressed his lips against mine. It was sweet, innocent, and he quickly pulled away from me, his eyes wide and scared, waiting on my reaction. I smiled, and let my hand travel up to his face, kissing his nose.

“Everything you thought it was going to be?” I mumbled.

He breathed out, a big crooked smile filling his face. “Yeah, maybe more.” He spoke softly, before his lips met mine again.