You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

For some odd reason, today no one seemed to hang around me for too long. For another odd reason, John wouldn’t leave me alone for anything. The guys had just all left out of no where, no one had said a word to me, I didn’t get it, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. I was in the lounge, digging through the kitchen for something. I really wasn’t sure what, I wasn’t really big on eating, and between that and tour I felt like I was starting to disappear a little, but nothing sounded good. I sighed and shut the cabinets and things, leaning against the counter.

John came out from the bunks, neatly dressed for the first time in a while, with his hair all pushed back nicely. He walked over towards me, and I really didn’t pay much notice as he pressed up against me. His hands hooked behind my back, and he tugged me into him, burying his face into my neck and kissing it lightly. I sighed, letting my good hand hold onto the back of his neck. I leaned closer into him and he laughed, pulling his face away from my neck and kissing my forehead, swaying us a little bit.

“Good…afternoon?” I mumbled, dropping my hand and smiling up at him.

“Yeah.” He pecked my lips, pushing me back against the counter. “Something like that.” He exhaled and dropped his arms, gripping my hand instead and tugging me towards the couch. He sat down, before grabbing my hips and pulling me down onto his lap, his arms wrapping all the way around and holding me tightly. I leaned back into him, shifting a bit to get comfortable, leaning my head against the side of his. John kissed the top of my head, and only held me closer. I let my eyes shut, enjoying all the attention.

My phone went off, blaring, and I felt around my pockets hurriedly, before realizing my phone hadn’t been on me in ages. I tried to place it, as the phone continued to ring, and the noise coming from the vibration causing it to hit something. It was loud, and I knew it was near me. John was shifting under me continuously, but his arms tightened, not letting go.

“John, I need to get my phone, let go!” I shoved and curled my fingers around his, trying hard to pull them loose.

“You don’t need it.” He tightened his grip on my waist and I squirmed, digging my nails into his arm and trying to slide out under them. He loosened up once I’d succeeded in drawing out blood, letting me go for a minute. I climbed on top of him, straddling him and trying to get my hands up underneath him, realizing it had to be in his back pocket. He grabbed my arms, pushing them back so I couldn’t continue reaching.

“John.” I breathed out. “It’s my phone; obviously it has to do with me.”

“So?” He looked up at me, and he shoved his lips against mine, more than obviously trying to distract me. I pulled my arm out of his hold, before sliding it to his back pocket, and pulling my phone out as I bit down on his bottom lip.

“Nice try.” I pulled away from him, standing up and calling back whoever it was that had just called.

“Hey hun.” My aunt answered the phone, a bit out of breath.

“Hey…what’s going on?” It was out of the ordinary for anyone to call me, just about ever, unless it was my grandma or something. My aunt was probably the last person I would have thought moments ago to be calling me. John stood up, wrapping his arms around me, and tugging me into his chest. I really didn’t get why, until my aunt started to answer me. I played with John’s shirt while she spoke, my stomach churning.

I didn’t catch most of it, up until “Your mom, uhm, she’s gone, Alex…we all knew it was going to happen eventually, and you already knew the numbers…” I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me.

“Yeah, I know. When’s the funeral?” My aunt wasn’t shocked at all by my reaction, I wasn’t like my siblings, who I’m sure were total wrecks. I’d even told her I felt bad that I couldn’t cry at a funeral once. She really didn’t know what to say to me then, and I was still really young, but ever since we kind of had a mutual understanding. John tangled his fingers through my hair, tugging me closer into him, obviously expecting different from me. But then it hit me, how did he already anticipate all of this?

“Saturday, and Sunday, and I’m sure there’ll be family stuff in between. Either at Grandma’s, or here.”

“Alright.”

“You want to come over here first thing Saturday or?”

“I’m not in Tempe.” I laughed weakly.

“You’re going to have to come home Alex…” I sighed, this was more upsetting to me, than the entire fact that my mom was dead, even though I know that was fucked up to say.

I bit my tongue though, “I know, I know.”

“Can you drive in? Or are you going to have to fly? Cause I’ll come pick you up, or I’m sure your sister will be happy to…”

“I’m going to have to fly.” I continued to tug at John’s shirt, playing with the buttons.

“Alright, well, do you want to just call me later?”

“Mmhmm.” I hung up, looking up to John. “So, who told you?”

He scratched the back of his head, removing his hands from my waist. “My uhm…my mom called me this morning…but you know how she is…and our moms were pretty close at one point…I mean we practically lived on the same street.”

I nodded, jumping up onto the kitchen counter. “But you didn’t seem to think it was okay to go ahead and tell me?”

He walked over, running his hands lightly up and down my thighs. “I didn’t really think it was my place to tell you…That’s kind of a just family kind of thing.” He smiled weakly at me. “You’re gonna have to go, huh?”

I sighed, biting my lip. “Yeah, I don’t want to though…”

“Alex, she’s your mom…”

“Was, and yeah, I know, I spent how many years in that house?” John’s expression turned downward, and I stopped, tomorrow morning was probably the latest I could stay, and I’d regret it if I spent the whole time causing fights between us.

“Do you want to go out for a bit, or something?” John spoke calmly, leaning his forehead against mine. I nodded and hopped down, grabbing his hand, and for once he let me hold on as we stumbled out the door and down the street.

We were laying on the couch in the back room; I was on top of John, my newly proclaimed spot. We hadn’t been talking for the past fifteen minutes or so, and it was quiet in the room. I just lie there, listening to John’s breathing and his heartbeat, as he stared at the ceiling, his hand lazily running up and down my side. He started to hum lightly, a small smile breaking out over his face. He leaned up a little, and I shifted, getting up.

“The guys are going to be here soon.” He mumbled, pushing his hair back.

“Yeah, I kind of figured that.” I bit my lip. “Do they know?”

“…I had to tell them to get them to leave…” He trailed off, staring at the floor. It almost seemed like he was having a harder time about my mom dying then I was.

“It’s fine…they’d have to find out anyways.”

“So…tomorrow morning.” He stretched his legs out, and looked over at me.

“Yeah…tomorrow morning.” I leaned against him. The front door of the bus was opened noisily, and I jumped, straightening myself up and tugging my shirt down before following John to the front room. The guys mumbled a few small greetings, but I couldn’t take all the sympathetic looks, and ended up running back to the back room, digging for my bags to start packing.

I heard the door open as I packed; expecting to see John, but it was Sarah instead. “Hey.” She mumbled, sitting on the couch across from where I stood.

“Yeah?” I didn’t turn around, just continued going through everything all over again, even though I knew it was all in there.

“When do you leave?” I sighed and sat down across from her.

“Tomorrow morning, early, before the show and getting ready and all that.”

“Oh…” She trailed off and we sat in silence for a few moments. “…Would you want me to come along?”

“Sarah, you and Garrett are just getting places…and I wouldn’t want you to miss out on tour, and you’d have to deal with distance and everything all over again, John already told me he’s not coming home for a while.” I played with the hem of my shirt, talking to the floor more then at her. I hated I was going to have to leave all of this, and I wouldn’t want her to have to go through it all too.

“So? That’s no reason for you to have to go through it all alone. We’re bff for l, remember?” She smiled widely, pointing at my cast. I had to figure out what I was going to do about that, considering it had ‘Faggot’ on it so big.

“You’d seriously want to give up tour for me?” She nodded. “My grandma’s pretty amazing, you’ll like her.” I mumbled, knocking my shoes together. We both smiled, and it didn’t hurt as badly now to have to leave. I zipped up my bags, most of Sarah’s weren’t even unpacked, and so it wasn’t that big of a deal. I went online and ordered tickets, and Sarah and I made our way back out front with our boys to spend the last night with them, just enjoying each other.

I slid out of bed, as the morning light shone through the windows. Today was the day, and I was already awake later than I should have been, there were all sorts of rustling coming from the bunks, the guys obviously getting dressed. I lightly nudged Sarah awake before I made my way to the door. I shoved through all of the guys, being careful not to knock into anyone, and through the front door.

John sat out there by himself, already fully dressed and cleaned up. I almost wished he wouldn’t look up at me, because when he did I felt my heart sink into my stomach. His eyes were puffy, and he looked the equivalent of what I knew I had to look like the day he left. His bottom lip disappeared into his mouth, and he stared at his shoes, one leg rested on top of the other.

“Hey.” He spoke; his voice was quiet, strained.

“Hey.” I mumbled back, rocking on my heels. “I should probably go get ready…shouldn’t I?”

“Do you need any help?” He smiled at me weakly, the smile not reaching his eyes as he continued to stare down his shoes. I really didn’t, I was getting better and better at using my left hand for things, but I let him think I did, partly because I didn’t think it’d be fair to let everyone see him the way he looked right now.

John smirked, as he tugged my black v-neck over my head. The right arm was all stretched out by the time it made it up to my shoulder, but I really didn’t care too much.

“What?” I stepped forward, poking his nose now that I was fully dressed.

“Nothing, just thinking, about how it's going to be a while before I get to see you without clothes on."

"Oh, thanks. Because it just took me breaking my wrist, there's no other possible way." I mused.

He laughed softly, his hands sliding back up to my lower back, drawing circles slowly. “In all serious though, I’m going to miss you like fuck.”

“Yeah,” I bit my lip, “I’m going to miss you too…but I won’t be the one surrounded by girls all the time.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.” He rested his forehead on mine.

“It doesn’t?” John didn’t say anything, just smiled, one of his hands traveling up to trace with the writing on my cast.

“I love you…you know?”

“Yeah…I love you too.” I spoke quietly, not sure if the guys were outside in the front room yet, or really where they were.

“I don’t want you to…to go and find someone else…while you’re gone.” His eyes locked onto mine.

“John isn’t that more of your kind of thing then mine…”

He laughed quietly, “That’s not what I’m hinting at, Alex.”

“Okay…then what are you hinting at…”

I bit my lip, and he tugged me in closer, smiling crookedly. “I want you to be mine…again.” He added the last part with a small laugh. I felt myself smiling, and all I could bring myself to do was nod. His smile grew bigger, and he kissed my forehead.

“I think we should probably get out of the bathroom now…” I trailed off, laughing into his chest.

“Yeah…that’d probably be in my best interest.” He pushed open the door, and I followed him out shyly, hoping no one was there. John reached back, grabbing my good hand, hiding it behind his back. Pat and Garrett shot us an odd look, Jared was getting a water bottle, so his back was turned to us, and Kenny was making his way out of the bunks. “Want me to help you get your shit?” John spoke barely loud enough for me to hear, obviously doing his best to get out of the way before they realized it was John and me in the bathroom that whole time.

Making our way to the back, I saw Sarah, as she tried to drag all her bags at once, falling over a few times in the process and yelling for help. John released my hand, and quickly walked out of the bunk room, tossing them at Garrett’s feet and smiling at Sarah before putting his hands on my back and shoving me towards the back room.

John slid my bags off the couch effortlessly, not even letting me try to carry them. “Where’re you going to stay at?” He mumbled to me as we walked back towards the front room, where the guys were already evacuating to pile into the van that Kenny was going to drive us to the airport in.

“My grandma’s, I hope…you remember her right?”

A small smile came over his face. “Yeah, I remember…do you guys already have a ride back?” The fact that he remembered she couldn’t drive took me back a bit.

“Uhm, I’ll probably call around when I get there…” He nodded, his bottom lip pulling into his mouth I shut the door to the bus behind us, climbing into the van first.

The ride to the airport was pretty quiet, I ended up in the back next to Pat and the bags, and John had to sit next to Garrett and Sarah, who were all lost in each other. Every now and then John would turn, and look back at me, but only for a second.

“So, excited to be going home?” Pat mused; it was odd talking to him now, when for as close as we used to be, I hadn’t had a long conversation with him in a few days.

“Better circumstances would be nice, but I guess I miss it…and all…”

He nodded, “Well, I’d rather be in your position than mine, Jared said we might not even make it home ‘til January or so.”

“January, really? That’s gotta suck, missing all the holidays with the ones you love. ‘Specially since that’s all our favorite time of year, last I checked.” I swiftly kicked the back of John’s seat, he didn’t turn around.

“Yeah, I still hope we can make it out before hand, I miss my old house.” Pat smiled, getting all shy like he normally did when he was having a baby moment. I mussed his hair, and turned back to the window.

We made it to the airport, everyone piling out, Garrett helping Sarah with her bags, and John not even giving me the option of carrying mine yet. It got time for goodbyes fast, as much as I didn’t want to have to say goodbye to anyone. I got separate hugs from all the boys, except John, who stood and waited for his turn. Pat decided it wasn’t enough though, and yelled out for a group hug, as I got smothered by the five boys, including John, and Sarah this time.

“Alright! Alright. I get it, I love you all too.” We all laughed a bit, and Pat hooked his arms around Jared and Kennedy’s shoulders, steering them away from John, Sarah, Garrett and I. They shouted back that they’d be at the van, eventually.

“So…I guess this is it, huh?” I turned around to John, a weak smile on his face, and immediately buried my head into his chest.

“Yeah…just about.” I mumbled, gripping onto his hoodie. I really wished there was a way I could get out of all of this, or some way John could convince me to stay, but he wanted me back home, more so then I did. His arms went around me possessively, holding me tight against him. We stood like that for a few moments, and he rocked us a bit, humming into my ear before pulling away. I looked at him, confused, and he started to tug his sweatshirt off.

He held it out to me, scratching the back of his head with his other hand. “Sorry…just figured you might want it...to wear on the plane, or at home…or whatever.” He mumbled. “It’s my favorite, so take care of it, yknow, maybe actually wash it, or don’t, be crazy and sniff it all the time.” He laughed, the crooked smile spreading out over his face again. I couldn’t help but smile, taking the hoodie from him.

He pulled me back into him, pressing his forehead against mine. “Now, don’t go forgetting me or anything. And tell everybody I miss them. And you have to promise to stay in touch, and not take this opportunity to break my heart, or some crazy shit.”

“I think you should be the one promising to stay in touch, I’ll probably just be sitting at home all the time waiting on you.” I bit my tongue to prevent myself from adding “Just like before”. I sighed, and his nose leaned against mine. I wasn’t sure whether he was actually going to go through with it, with Sarah and Garrett and all of the people walking through the airport, but then again, no one was really paying attention, and I’m sure the two of them were doing just about the same as us. My breathing slowed as I waited for him to just kiss me already, as he chewed the side of his lip. He looked to his side, before one of his fingers hooked through my belt loop and he pulled me completely up against him, his lips colliding harshly with mine. I quickly gripped his shirt, tugging him down, and moved my lips back against his own. It was different then the silly kisses we shared when wrestling around on the bus. He gripped my waist tighter, and energy surged through both of us, as a shiver ran down my spine. It took me back to the time in the rain, back to the time in his bedroom all those years back, and the tear riddled kiss we shared when he left. He pulled back, breathing heavily and wrapped his arms around me tightly again, kissing the top of my head, before he released me, walking away and not looking back. It was a big philosophy of his, because if you looked back, there was no way you could keep going forward, keep continuing on with whatever it was you were trying to achieve. Today’s achievement: letting me go again.

I looked over to Sarah and Garrett, who were just pulling out away from each other, apparently doing exactly the same thing me and John had just been doing. I sighed and bit my lip hard, looking down at his hoodie in my hands, and my bags on the floor. I pulled the hoodie over my head, my hands shaking a little. It was big on me, for how small it looked on John, I felt like I was so small, and the large groups of people moving past didn’t help that feeling at all.

“You ready to go?” Sarah walked over to me, waving at Garrett, who looked back. I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat, pulling on one of the bags as a backpack, and carrying the heavier of the other two in my good hand. We both ended up having to drag them most of the way until we handed them over.

Sarah and I had retrieved our bags again, struggling to drag them all over again, when I saw my aunt and my two cousins, waving like crazy. I pulled Sarah aside quickly.

“Okay, I have to tell you something really, really fast, and you need to be okay with it, like now.” She looked at me a bit confused, pulling out her phone to answer texts Garrett had already sent her, I already knew not to hope from any from John. “My family…doesn’t know about John…besides my Grams…in fact they don’t even know about the past with-.”

Sarah cut me off. “They don’t know you’re gay, do they?” I shook my head shyly. “Alright, I’ll play along, but only until the boys get back, and no physical stuff, alright?”

“Yeah, I can handle that.” I forced a smile back onto my face, dragging my bags up to my aunt, Sarah following close behind.

“Who’s your friend?” My aunt nudged me.

“This is Sarah.” Sarah looked up from her phone for only a second to wave, before continuing on.

“You kids and those damn phones, I still haven’t figured out how to text on mine, I hate it.” There went my aunt again, complaining about technology. I tried to drag my one bag forward, but accidentally did it with my bad arm, causing me to swear loudly under my breath. “What’d you do to your arm?” My aunt’s eyebrows furrowed, as she tugged up my sleeve, revealing my brightly decorated cast, that I knew was inappropriate for my home coming.

“I was trying to skateboard.” I laughed lowly, knowing I used to skateboard just fine. “I guess I should have practiced more, before getting right out there.

“Yeah, you should have, is it broken?” I nodded, wanting this whole scene to be over. “Well, we should get going, now shouldn’t we?”

We were in the car, polite conversation going back and forth between Sarah and my aunt about home, how she met me, and things, when she finally realized what my cast said. She laughed at first, before questioning how I planned on getting through the funeral with it on.

“Long sleeves? It was just a joke from one of my friends; I didn’t realize I’d be coming home before it was off…” I trailed off, scratching the back of my neck. Sarah burst out into giggles in the back seat, and I shot her a look.

“What’s so funny?”

“Oh, nothing, just remembering that day, is all.”

“So, are you planning on staying with nana?” I flinched at the nickname my aunt’s daughters called my grandma, my face heating up.

“Yeah, nana.” I repeated, looking out the window, as my aunt turned on Miley Cyrus full blast, the two young girls in the back seat singing along with my aunt. She’d playfully shove me every now and then, trying to get me to join in, but I’d just shake my head. My aunt put the windows to the car down, Arizona air flying in.

“I hope we don’t run into anyone you know.” My aunt laughed, and I knew that was exactly what she wanted, to embarrass me.

It took ages to get our bags up the two flights of small stairs my grandma’s condo had, and to the spare room. I had to carry one on my back, and one in my good hand, and run as fast as I could without making too much noise, but the people below her had recently moved out, so it really wasn’t as big of a deal anymore.

Sarah sat at the table, conversing with my grandma about things, while my grandma offered her endless food. When the bags were all on the guest bed, I shuffled my way out, sitting down across from Sarah at the small kitchen table. My grandma immediately offered me food, rambling on about how bad I was starting to look, and how I was just wasting away all over again. I shook my head denying it all, and the food, curling up in John’s hoodie.

“Fine, suit yourself.” Sarah replied, smiling widely. “I’m hungry.”

“When aren’t you hungry, Sarah?” She just shrugged, as my grandma slid a piece of cake in front of her, directing her about where all the food and utensils were, and where she could find a beverage, offering her everything under the sun, since my grams didn’t get company much. “So, you holding up alright?” I directed at my grandma once she sat back down.

“I’m fine, I let myself have my day to be a mess yesterday, you can only cry for so long. Not that there’s anything wrong with crying, sometimes you have to, but I told myself you were coming home, and crying wouldn’t help me anymore.” A small smile spread across her face. “Besides, I’m sure you two have enough stories to keep my mind off things, it’s been a long time since we talked last, toots.” She reached for my hand, winking at me.

I laughed softly, not moving my hand. “Yeah, it has been.” We filled her in on most of the tour, my broken wrist and that crazy night, how I met Sarah, and Sarah had to get all embarrassed when I brought up Garrett.

“Did you ever work things out with that one boy?” My grandma asked, and I furrowed my eyebrows at first, before remembering I’d told her about John that one day. I suddenly felt very aware of my phone, spinning and playing with it, checking it, to find nothing just like I knew I would.

“Yeah…” I smiled weakly.

“So…are you something now?” My grandma smiled that mischievous smile she always seemed to get when we had our talks.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t really matter, he’s not coming home for a couple months.” I bit my lip.

“Well hey; you’re not the only one.” Sarah spoke up. “My man is in the same band as Alex’s.” She clarified to my Grandma, who just nodded along, before getting up and moving to her spot on her leather couch, her soap operas were going to be coming on, and so I motioned towards the spare room.

After showering, once I realized how disgusting I was looking, and changed into my last clean shirt, knowing I’d have to do laundry tonight, not like I’d sleep anyways. I brushed my teeth, and walked across the hall to the guest room, knocking lightly to make sure I wouldn’t walk in on anything. Sarah yelled for me to come in, and I opened the door a crack, peering in, before opening it all the way. She was just on her laptop on the top bed, the second bed pulled out. I flopped onto the flimsy second mattress, crossing my legs.

“Do you want to go out?” I asked, and she looked up at me quizzically. “I meant to the mall.”

“Oh, sure, hold on.” I nodded and padded out to the living room, telling my Grandma we’d be back and giving her a small hug.