You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

It was just barely December now, which wasn’t too bad, but it’d completely sucked waiting the past months. John would call every now and then, but there wasn’t much to talk about, and he hardly ever called when he was by himself. Most of our conversations were awkward, and we always ended up talking about the band, or the show last night, or the guys. No one brought up them coming home again, no matter how many times I’d try to sneak it into conversation with Pat or John; no one seemed to want to let me in on it.

I’d made myself more independent, getting a job at the mall, minimum wage, but at least it was something so I could actually have money to myself to use, since my grams wouldn’t let me pay for anything, my grandfather’s social security and things paid most of her bills. I wasn’t really fond of dealing with the teenagers that came into the store, but it kept my mind off of John. Sarah was usually home sometime around when I got home, I really didn’t know what she did most of the day, but we still shared the spare room, and she still talked to Garrett like crazy. Nights were terrible to deal with, and I ended up spending a lot of nights pacing, or staying up ‘til morning. I’d even discussed school a few times with my grandma, nothing major; I just wanted to keep myself busy. John went to college once, what seemed like decades ago, it was weird to think of me going now, but I guess it just came with being the youngest out of all the boys.

I wondered what day John was coming home, if he was coming home, that is. I knew the tour they were on was supposed to end the very end of November, and from Pat, that they were going to do smaller stuff after, staying off major tours for a couple months. But nothing was specific, no dates, no times, nothing.
Today was a relatively good day, I didn’t have to work, and no one had anywhere to go. I’d woken up way too early, and I took time to make myself look clean today. I was finally rid of my bulky cast two weeks ago and finally getting used to using my right hand again like before, even though moving it still a chore. I padded back out to the living room from the bathroom, messing up Sarah’s hair, as she sat on the couch with my grandma.

“I want coffee.” I yawned. “You coming?”

“Well are you paying?” Sarah smirked.

“Of course, come on.” I sighed, grabbing my keys. On the ride there I decided maybe I should finally ask Sarah what Garrett had told her. “So…I love how I get left in the dark about the boys getting home.”

“What?” Sarah looked at me, and is didn’t seem at all like she was feigning the confused look on her face. She reached out and turned down the radio, waiting for me to answer. “The boys are coming home already?” She pressed.

“Uhm, I thought you knew…all I know is early December…they’re already off tour, Sarah.” I looked back towards the road, almost to Starbucks. “I just assumed they’d told you…the way you talk to Garrett…”

“No, I didn’t think they were making it home for a while…wow.” I just bit my lip and nodded.

We were on the way home; we’d only stopped in to grab the drinks and leave. Pulling up to my grandma’s driveway I couldn’t help notice the overly flashy yellow car in one of the driveways across the street. But this whole area was just straight up condos and apartments; it could have been anyone’s, even some really old man going through his mid-life crisis. I glanced over at Sarah, chewing my lip. She didn’t even seem to notice it, grabbing her drink and racing off towards my grams. I grabbed my drink, with my right hand, willing it to work and stop being so weak. I felt like I was making myself permanently left handed since the concert.

I walked to my grams door, not really paying attention to much of anything. Sarah was waiting for me at the door, a polite smile on her face. I swung the door open, stepping in behind her, but everything in me froze when I heard a familiar laugh. I figured it was just on the television, because my grandma always had crazy shows on, but then John started speaking. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut, I looked over at Sarah frantically, but she had already kicked off her shoes and was climbing up the stairs. I chewed my lip, not sure what to do. I heard Garrett now, exclaiming over Sarah reaching the landing. I tossed my keys into the basket, setting my coffee on the small table, still debating downstairs.

Someone burst into a coughing fit upstairs, making me jump a little, and I bumped into the wall. I swore under my breath. John spoke again, his voice hoarse now, apparently it was him coughing. “I can hear you down there, just so you know.” I grabbed my coffee, my hands shaking a little, and slowly made my way up the stairs.

John, Garrett, Sarah, and my grandma were seated around the table. There was another chair, but it was in another part of the condo, covered in stuff, and I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just stood there. John smiled crookedly at me, he looked tired, not that he ever was full blown rested, but he really, really looked tired. Garrett had to be competing in second in that category.

He must have been thinking the same thing. “We didn’t even sleep, just came right here.” He stretched out for emphasis.

My grandma looked up at me expectantly and I felt the heat on my face. She kept tilting her head towards John.

“What?” I mumbled, leaning against the wall.

“Well, are you going to hug the boy or not?” She smiled widely. I couldn’t help but burn up more, and look at the carpet underneath me.

“Yeah, Alex, you gonna hug the boy or not?” Sarah mocked, turning in her seat to face me. I sighed and set down my coffee on the table next to Sarah, carefully taking a few steps back from John, before I bit my lip, holding out my arms. John smiled, standing up and tugging up the back of his pants. He took a step towards me.

“Shit, hold on.” He spoke like he was going to sneeze, but instead slammed his mouth against his sleeve, letting out a few nasty coughs. I scratched my head, not sure whether I should just stand with my arms out or really what to do, and our mini audience wasn’t helping me much. He stopped, smiled, and took another step closer to me. I hooked my arms loosely around his middle, not really sure how far I could go in front of everyone. He laughed, wrapping his arms around me and tugging me against him tightly, almost suffocating me against his shirt. I tensed up at first, but then relaxed, burying my head further against his chest, sighing contentedly. I suddenly felt what I’d been missing, and how ridiculous I was to hide downstairs from him.

I didn’t realize how long we’d been standing there like that, and Garrett cleared his throat loudly. John laughed a little, not completely letting go of me as I struggled to get away, suddenly very embarrassed. “Relax, boo.” He breathed in my ear, and I shivered. He finally let go of me, sitting back down.

“Everyone happy now?” I asked, trying to hide how red my face was.

My grandma smiled widely, nodding. “Have a seat, toots.” I looked at her like she was half insane. It wasn’t hard to realize there was no where for me to sit. Was it really necessary to make me out to be even more awkward then I already was?

“Uhm…” I chewed my lip, not really sure how to respond to her.

“Sit on his lap.” Sarah smirked.

“No! How about you sit on Garrett’s lap!” I fought back.

“Yeah, Sarah, come hither!” Garrett winked at her, and she crawled onto his lap, all sorts of things going on, on the left side of me that I wanted no part in. I slid into Sarah’s seat, folding my legs up underneath me, and my grandma shoved food that was on the table to begin with at me. I felt even more awkward now, my grams always did this to me, and then no one would understand that half the food in her house would make me sick if I ate it. So I just sat there, even more awkward now. John yawned, kicking my thigh, a playful smirk on his face. I unfolded my legs, lightly kicking his leg back. I lifted up my cup, about to take a drink, when he started to rub his foot up the side of my leg. I almost flat out dumped the cup of coffee on myself, an odd feeling reoccurring in my stomach. I set down the cup shakily, and John smirked again.

“Nice to see your right arm again.”

“Yeah, I know, right? I was beginning to think that was never going to happen again.” I glanced down at it, paler then my left arm.

“You know, John, I could have sworn when I first opened the door that wasn’t you.” My grams smiled, obviously hitting on John. “You’ve changed a lot.”

“I know.” He smiled drowsily, and his foot rubbed my leg again. “Garrett…I’m so going to pass out at this table right now.” He mumbled.

“Do you want to go back to my place?” Garrett’s eyes shifted to me, and mine shifted to John, not sure if I was exactly welcome.

John opened his mouth to speak, and started coughing again, rubbing his eyes. “I really don’t care where I go right now, I just don’t want to crash at your grams.” He smiled at my grandma. “No offense, I just don’t think you want me sleeping for like a week straight on your couch.”

“No, it’s alright; you guys go, have fun.” She nudged us onward, winking at me.

“Alright.” John got up, walking over to my unsuspecting grandma and hugging her; it was probably the highlight of her day, seeing how many different shades of red she changed. He walked past me, grabbing his jacket, slipping it on, and reaching for my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine. Garrett pushed past us, running down the steps first, since we all were going to have to go in his car, and Sarah followed close behind.

We were in Garrett’s apartment, and John kept squirming on the couch. Garrett and Sarah were curled up watching a movie, and John kept falling asleep over, and over, and then waking back up. I leaned over by him, since he’d hardly touched me since we left my grandma’s. “Just go to bed, its fine, we can hang out another day or something.” I mumbled.

I leaned back against the couch, shifting my gaze elsewhere, when I felt John’s breath on my neck. “I’m only going to bed if you come with me.” He laughed softly, and Garrett looked over from the television. “I think I’m going to go crash, Gare. Sarah, it was nice seeing you again, as always.” He yawned.

“Nice seeing you too!” Sarah smiled. John nodded, getting up and walking towards the small hallway with a room on each end. He stopped halfway there, turning around and giving me a look. My eyes shot over to the other couple on the couch, and back at John. Neither of them looked over, and I eased myself off the couch, still gaining no attention, before following John.

He pushed through the door at the end of the hall, and I shut it behind myself as he threw himself onto the bed, coughing a bit. “Ugh, I hate being sick.” He groaned.

I sat on the edge of the bed, tracing on the blanket. “I know you do.”

“No, nuh uh.” He forced his eyes back open.

“What?” I looked at him confused, and he reached an arm out towards me, just barely missing, that had to be a first time that his lanky arms couldn’t reach.

“I believe I’m supposed to be under you, last time I checked.” He mumbled sleepily, smiling. I bit my lip, and slowly crawled over to where he was laying, straddling him, and pushing my hands into the mattress above his shoulders, holding myself up. His arms wrapped around me, and I let my grip slide down, propping myself up on my elbows now. His eyes were closed, and I cautiously leaned my forehead against his.

He let out a small laugh, his eyes reopening and locking onto mine. “You, of all people don’t need to worry about hurting me.” He reached up, and pushed at my arms.

“Sorry.” I mumbled quietly, lowering myself against his chest, and burying my face into his neck as his arms tightened around me again.

I felt the bed and the weight that was next to me shift for what seemed like the millionth time. John hadn’t slept well at all, constantly waking up and shifting and coughing and it was all just a mess. I opened my eyes, squinting a little at the light in the room. John swung his legs off the bed, sitting up, and groaning with his head in his hands. I yawned and hooked my arms around his waist. I pulled myself up, nuzzling my head into his back.

“Still not feeling any better?”

“No.” His voice was weak, and I was pretty sure he was losing it. He went into a round of coughs again; the kind that made his whole chest seem like it was going to burst open. I tightened my arms the best I could around him, and he reached a hand back, ruffling up my hair. He sighed, pulling my arms off him and stood up, wobbling a bit. I didn’t want to be over bearing, and so I lay back down, staring up at the ceiling and waiting for John to get back.

He stumbled back in, a disappointed look on his already pathetic looking face. “Garrett doesn’t have anything.” He croaked out, a hand reaching up to smooth back his crazy bed hair.

I got up off the bed, and walked up in front of him. “I’ll go get stuff.” I exhaled, he leaned forward, his head hitting my shoulder, and I rubbed his sides lightly. “You want to come?”

He stood back up straight. “Mmmm, we have no way there.”

“I’ll go talk to Garrett or something.” I leaned up to peck his lips and he pushed his hands against my chest.

“I’m not gonna get you sick.” He shook his head, a small smile on his face.

“Do you think I really care whether I get sick or not?” John just sighed, still not giving in, and I pushed past him, walking down the hallway. I kicked open Garrett’s door mid-step.

“The fuck?!” Garrett yelled loudly. I just smiled; I had to make an entrance, of course. Sarah sat up; of course, I’d assumed she’d spent the night as well. I climbed onto the bed, sitting in between them, grinning. Garrett groaned, and threw a pillow over his face.

“I have to go to the store. Do you need anything? And I have to borrow your car…just so you know.”

Garrett pulled the pillow off, glaring at me. “You’re not taking the car.” He started coughing. Great, John was already infecting everyone.

“Fine then, get your ass up and drive me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I feel like shit, and my girlfriend is over, and I’d like to go back to sleep.”

“Alright, then where are the keys? I won’t crash it, and I’ll drag John along, so he won’t bother you two.”

Garrett sighed, pointing to his pants on the floor. “They should be in the pocket.”

“I’m not even going to ask why your pants are on the floor…” I trailed off, grabbing the keys, and looked over to Sarah, whose face was bright red, before closing the door behind me.

John was half asleep when I opened the door to the other room, jingling the keys I’d confiscated. He turned onto his back, giving me a half smile, coughing a bit.

“You going to want to go?” I bit my lip, hoping he’d say yes, I wasn’t really ready to be left alone already. He nodded and pushed off the bed, standing up.

We came back from the store and I forced meds on John, it wasn’t like he had a choice anyways, it wasn’t like they could postpone all their upcoming shit just because John has a cold.

I opened the door quietly, Garrett and Sarah still hadn’t come out of his room yet, and I really wasn’t sure what the two of them had been doing, nor was I really sure I wanted to know anyways. I padded in; John was passed out again already. I slid his iPhone off the dresser, and leaned over him, pushing his hair back and kissing his forehead. John looked up at me sleepily, and I chewed my lip, kissing his nose before darting out, I wasn’t trying to wake him up.

Sitting on the couch got old, fast. There weren’t enough apps on John’s phone to keep me busy. I’d already been out here for an hour now, and Sarah and Garrett were trying to sneak out of the room.

“You can just come out…you know.” I yelled, but not too loud. They both tiptoed out, and we all ended up squished on Garrett’s couch. It got awkward after a while being the third wheel, and I excused myself, opening the door, and trudging down the steps and out of the apartment building. I dialed Pat’s number, pressing it close against my ear, and sat on the edge of the parking lot, watching cars go by.

“Hello?” A sleepy Pat answered.

“Hey.”

“Alex? Alex, what’s up?” I could already hear the excitement in Pat’s voice, it didn’t take much.

“Not much just stuck at Garrett’s with John and Sarah...” I trailed off.

“Oh. I’ve slept all day.” Pat announced proudly.

“Yeah, I kind of figured that, John’s sick, Garrett’s probably on his way to getting sick, and everyone’s been asleep all day here.”

“Just be glad we’re home, Alex.”

“Yeah, I’m really glad, Pat.” I laughed quietly.

Sarah was in the kitchen, and Garrett was somewhere, I wasn't sure exactly. I pushed open the second bedroom door, thinking maybe John was still asleep, but he wasn’t.

He was in the process of changing, I wasn’t sure what to do, and my face heated up as he tugged on the new shirt. “Enjoying the view?” He laughed and walked up to me, pressing me up against the door frame. His hands loosely hooked around my waist as he leaned into me.

“Someone’s feeling better.” I mumbled, feeling his breath hit my face. I heard Garrett yell, probably flipping out over John and I, I knew the door was open, but I was too caught up in John. It seemed like the past few months had just disappeared and there wasn’t any such thing as John not being home, compared to John being home.

His green eyes pierced through mine. “Shut the fuck up, Garrett.” John smirked at me, and shut the door, tugging me with him.