You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

I’d just gotten out of the shower, and my grandma was already yelling for me. I peeked my head out of the bathroom, and all of the guys were standing in my living room. John waved at me, a smile spreading out over his face, and I closed the door, swearing under my breath. I hadn’t done laundry, and so the only shirt I had left to wear was a v-neck, which lucky for me would show off exactly how much fun John and I had had the night before.

I gave up, walking out into the living room, not making eye contact with anyone. My face heated up, and I scratched the back of my head. “So…we going out then?”

“Yeah. You up for paintball?” Kennedy smiled widely at me. I wasn’t too sure on that one. Did I look like I could handle paintball? Nope, doubt that.

I hugged my grams tightly, before trucking it down the stairs, the guys following while Garrett and Sarah fought over her coming. I ran to the van, and John followed behind, pushing me up against the side of the van that I hoped the guys couldn’t see.

“Last night was fun.” He smirked, and his lips traveled over my neck, just making the already overly-apparent problem worse. I gripped at his hair, and he stopped, pecking me on the lips once before unlocking the van. I climbed into the back, and the guys piled in, John climbing up front. Sarah slid in next to me, apparently getting her way.

“Nice hickeys, Alex.” Sarah mumbled, nudging me, and I ignored her. “I said, nice hickeys, Alex!” She yelled loudly, and the guys in the seats near us turned to look at me.

“Nice virginity, Sarah!” I mocked, not answering the curious looks, including John’s eyes that drifted in and out of the mirror, watching me.

“Hey, I am still a virgin.” She blushed.

“Yeah, okay, being in Garrett’s bed for like two days straight totally makes sense when you’re a virgin.” She opened her mouth to come up with an insult back, and I hoped she wouldn’t make the point that I’d spent probably just as long in bed with John, if not longer.

“Maybe that's what you do whenever you’re in bed for two days straight.” Sarah smirked, her eyes looking over the mess John had turned my neck into. I couldn’t fight the heat on my face, and I turned my attention to the window, avoiding everyone’s gazes yet again.

We were at the place, just about to go out, and I was covered in protective gear, my knees knocking a little. “You’re going down, Burhming.” John winked at me.

We were all covered in paint, and I ached all over. I’d attempted to just hide the whole time, but John wouldn’t leave me alone and kept making me get hit by coercing me out. It was pathetic, Sarah had been a better sport about it all then I had. I had to wear John’s clothes. I’d tried to talk Pat into it, but we could only find John’s clothes in the back of the van, and so I was stuck wearing them. They hung way too loose and long, and I felt like I was getting swallowed by them as we walked around downtown. Kennedy wanted ice cream, and suddenly everyone was up for it, and migrating in that direction.

“Hey John?” Jared started, once we were heading back to John’s house, the guys claimed they had practice, but really I think they just wanted to mess around longer. John was driving again, and I was in the middle with Kennedy, zoning out.

“Hm?”

“What’s that on your neck?”

“Probably just a freckle, sun spot, something...” John was mumbling now.

“Dude, if that’s from the sun you must have cancer.” The van swerved, and I clung to Kennedy, who stared at me awkwardly. I quickly let go of him, sitting back in my original seat.

“Shit, John, you and Alex should compare.” Kenny laughed, glancing at me a bit odd, before turning his head back out the window.

John laughed mockingly. “Shut up.” He reached back and smacked Kenny on the head, swerving the van a little. His eyes glanced up to the mirror at the same time I looked up, and I could tell he was annoyed, and I made the decision there to keep away from John the most I could, when John was going to go into his queen moments, it would just cause me to go into an even bigger one.

John’s house was awkwardly quiet. I sat as far away from John as I could at all times, and I didn’t talk. Anytime he’d ask me to get something, or look over at me I’d just blow him off, letting Pat or Garrett or Kennedy or anyone but me go and get what he wanted, which resulted in a lot of confused looks being shot my way.

I got sick of it after not too long, walking outside for much needed air. It was a little cold out, with the sun going down and all and I wish I’d grabbed someone’s coat or something. I heard footsteps pad out behind me, and I walked to the end of the driveway, sitting down.

Pat sat down next to me, a polite smile on his face. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, Pat, everything’s fine, I just needed a break.” I threw some of the small rocks at my feet across the asphalt of the road, watching them bounce and disappear.

“A break from what exactly?”

“I don’t know really. Everything? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you guys to leave yet, it just gets to be a lot…” I didn’t even have to say it, we both knew who and what I was talking about.

“Well you won’t have to worry too much, we’re all tied up for the next few days, being home isn’t too much of a break.”

I half smiled at him. “What all do you guys have to do?”

“Interviews, let more girls drool over us.” He laughed. “That kind of stuff…and Halvo has a party tonight…you’re coming right?”

“Am I actually being given a choice?”

He grinned. “Not really, just felt the need to throw it out there.” I wasn’t sure whether to be excited that they had things to do or not, because I knew I’d probably just end up dragged to them like I was to everything else.

We were at Eric’s party, and for once my thoughts weren’t screaming at me, my head was calm, quiet. A bit dizzy and unstable, but still quiet. I stumbled through the house, my hand shakily pushing my hair back. I was nursing my-well I’m not really sure how many drinks I’d had since we arrived. It really wasn’t as big of a thing to me to drink, it was always the other boys’ thing, and I was always more of a smoker. I’d been avoiding John most of the evening, avoiding not really being the key word, since I’d circled through the house multiple times by now and couldn’t locate him if you asked me. Actually, I probably couldn’t locate anyone if you asked me. I moved through the entertainment room, trying to get back to the living room and plowed right into a girl. She whipped around, and recognition hit me.

“Oh, hey, Sarah!” I thought I was talking at a normal volume, but from how she winced it was apparent I wasn’t, but that didn’t stop me from continuing on.

“Hey, Alex.” She wasn’t too amused, and I had a feeling I would regret tonight, but I really didn’t care.

“Whatcha doin’?!” I smiled goofily.

“Oh, nothing, just standing around, making as little imprint as possible, I’m not a big party person.”

“Oh! Alright! That’s cool!”

“Mhm.” She looked around.

“Well, have fun standing around, I have business to attend to!” I felt my words slurring, and I was trying to fight back in my mind, sober up a little, but then my hand didn’t listen and lifted my cup up to my mouth again, the liquid burned as it slid down my throat, all I knew was it was really strong, which was probably apparent by the way I was acting.

I made my way to the kitchen, and that’s when I discovered a back door, and mentally slapped myself across the face. So that was where the boys had gone. I pushed open the screen door, faintly hearing it shut behind me, my eyes immediately connecting with the hypnotizing green ones across the porch from me. John sat on a bench, his shirt had risen up from the slump he was sitting in, and he was clutching a beer bottle in his hand, smiling and laughing until I’d heard the door swing shut, then his eyes snapped to me and the smile dropped. I wasn’t sure how to take it, and I didn’t seem to notice the guys sitting across from him. I walked over, more of a strut, more of a total sway and stumble then anything else.

I didn’t know quite how it happened, but I was leaning over John, holding onto the bench behind him and just staring at him.

“Ha. Ha. Funny, Alex.” He looked at me nervously, his bottom lip pulled into his mouth. I didn’t move, my head was screaming at me in so many ways. “Okay, Alex, I get it, it’s funny.” He forced a small laugh, and I cracked a weak smile, moving closer to him. “Alex, okay, cut it out.” He scolded now; I felt like a child, I wasn’t listening. “Cut. It. Out.” He shoved at my chest. “You’re drunk. Stop it.” I made it into his lap now, I was playing with the bottom of his shirt, I wasn’t listening, and he was getting more and more pissed. “Fucking cut it out.” He shoved harder at my chest, that one hurt a bit, but I was too gone. Now he leaned closer to me, his eyes piercing through me, “Alex, cut it the fu-.” I collided my lips harshly and clumsily against his, and he didn’t respond, didn’t kiss back, didn’t touch me at all, he just sat there, let me make a fool of myself, embarrass myself in front of everyone. I pulled away, and his eyes didn’t meet mine, even though I swore from the way he looked at me he wanted me to kiss him just as bad as I did. He licked his lips, and took a sip out of his bottle before his hands were on my chest; pushing me harder than I thought John had ever before.

My back hit the ground hard, and I fought back against the tears building up in my eyes as realization and rejection washed over me. The guys all stared at me, startled, and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at John. I somehow managed to get myself up, to stumble off before the tears fell, stumbling through the party again. My bottom lip was quivering, everything ached, and I needed to let it out. I subconsciously remembered the guys brought me here, which meant I was stuck with them, because I probably didn’t even know where I was at right now if I had been sober. My mind wasn’t quiet anymore; it was raging, scolding me for being so stupid, for pissing John off, for everything. I shoved past dancing figures and people standing around talking, not even caring who I was pushing through. I got out to the front yard, and bit my lip, I had no where to go. The van was unlocked, and behind the backseat there was a buildup of clothes and things and a pillow. I weakly climbed up into it, trying my hardest to get comfortable.

I was moving, I wasn’t sure how I was moving, but I was. I scrambled on my makeshift bed, my head screamed in protest at me moving, and I remembered I was in the back of the van. The guys were mid conversation, and I tried to fake sleep.

“What even was that? Back there…” Jared was speaking, or at least I thought it was Jared.

“It was nothing; Alex was just piss drunk, that’s all it comes down to. Since no one thought to watch him with the alcohol…” John’s voice was rough, apparently still pissed off.

“That was still way too far out of line, like, I’d expect that from chicks, man, but Alex?” Kennedy had to add his two cents in. Could I be in any better place to over hear this conversation?

“You didn’t have to be so hard on him…” Garrett’s voice came out of the darkness in front of me. “Looked like you really hurt him, John.” I shrunk down, pulling myself into a ball. Finally someone defended me for once.

“He was drunk, he probably won’t even remember it, and beyond that, it wasn’t like it meant anything, so it shouldn’t hurt him.” John was trying hard to cover us up. I heard a sigh come from near me again, and I bit my lip hard, trying not to make any noise. It was hard to stay with the thought that he was just covering us up, because the way he made it sound, was like I really didn’t matter to him anymore. My eyes were watering again, from that stupid boy, my ridiculous headache, and my self-demeaning thoughts.

The van stopped moving and everyone piled out, I stayed where I was, frozen in the very back. I hoped maybe John would come open up the back, see me, and maybe apologize. But I was wrong to hope, door after door slammed shut. Just when I was giving up all hope I felt the night breeze and Pat stood in front of the open door.

“You sure you don’t want to come in?”

“Yeah, Pat, I’m sure.” I turned over, willing my head to stop pounding.

The back hatch was open; I could feel the heat and the sunlight beat on my face. I scrambled for my sunglasses, before glancing at the culprit, Sarah.

“What do you want?” I groaned.

“You have work in a bit…You should probably come get breakfast, and stop living in the back of the van.” I sighed and stood up out of the van, yanking up my pants, which were actually John’s, a reminder I needed to get home and clean myself up. I swung an arm around Sarah’s shoulders as we walked.

“So…did you hear about…?” I mumbled, bringing up last night.

“Yeah, Garrett told me.”

“Oh.” I grimaced at the ground, we walked the rest of the way in silence, neither of us really sure how to address what had happened. I pushed through the front door, dropping my arm from Sarah, and walked into the kitchen of Pat’s house a bit awkwardly, biting my lip. Everyone was up, of course, with my luck. It got extremely quiet when I walked in, everyone’s eyes looking up to me, and then falling back down.

I cleared my throat, “Is there any way someone can give me a ride home?” I spoke quietly, and could hardly believe any of them heard me. John mumbled a ‘no’ from the table. I wasn’t even asking or hoping for him to say yes, but apparently he felt the need to insert himself. I leaned against the kitchen counter, looking over at Sarah.

“Garrett…could you take him home? I know you guys have the time to.” Garrett sighed, and shoved his chair back, kissing Sarah and grabbing his keys. My eyes met John’s, when he looked up from his cereal bowl finally, and he mouthed ‘sorry’. I just shook my head and followed Garrett out the door.

Garrett, Sarah, and I piled into the van, I talked her into coming, not really sure about being stuck with Garrett alone. She climbed into the back seat with me, which I didn’t really expect.

“So…what exactly happened? The guy’s wouldn’t tell me…and Garrett just said you kissed him…” Sarah spoke after a long period of silence between all of us, the radio being the only noise.

“Uhm, well…” I started. “I don’t know, I guess I was just being stupid, but yeah…I kissed John, in front of everyone.” I let out a small laugh. “And he shoved me, pretty damn hard, and then I heard all of you guys talking, and John emphasizing how it was totally nothing, and now everything’s fucked up, all over again…”

“I probably shouldn’t have let you go.” Sarah laughed this time. “I could tell how trashed you were.” I just shrugged, I was willing to take the blame, I shouldn’t have taken that first drink, but I did.

Work was killing me, I had a migraine from hell, and the girl working the shift with me was sick of my whining. As of about a half hour ago everyone stopped coming in, and I really hardly saw anyone even walking the mall, I mean I knew it was during the day, but it was the weekend. On the weekend it was usually almost over flown with people. It’d been hours, and I was sick of folding t-shirts that hadn’t even been mussed up at all from the lack of business today. I turned to the girl, Allison, pleadingly.

“Can I just have twenty minutes off? Please? It’s dead out anyways. I promise I’ll stay the rest of the time, and I’ll stop complaining.”

“Fifteen.” She said sternly.

“Twenty, you know I’m good for it.” I winked at her, and she rolled her eyes.

It was on my way back from the coffee place, when I passed by Hot Topic, when I realized why there was no one walking around. A familiar voice drifted out from the store, and it was jam packed with tons upon tons of girls and teenagers and people that should be at Pac Sun buying things and paying for my paycheck. I stopped outside it, chewing my lip, and swirling my coffee, not really sure if I should try and push in past everyone or not. Apparently it wasn’t my decision to make, as I caught a glimpse of Sarah, squeezing her way out of the store.

She smiled widely at me. “I was just going to come find you.” And grabbed my wrist, dragging me past the mass of people to the middle of it where the boys sat. Coincidentally it also happened to be the end of their set list, and Jared was putting away his guitar while they were swarmed with questions from people around the room. I knew I didn’t have long before I really had to get back to work, and I toyed with the lanyard around my neck. I stood awkwardly next to John, as Sarah had walked over to claim her man, and I had no clue what to do, it wasn’t like he was paying attention to me anyways.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, and John looked up, padding the spot on the display next to him. I sat down, but continued to fidget, bouncing my knees and knocking them together and cracking my knuckles over and over. Kennedy and Pat kept watching me, as well as just about every girl in the audience that wanted to be in my place, it was all very intimidating. I felt John’s eyes on me constantly as he answered the questions, and familiar nerves were getting to me, heating up my face and making me unable to finish my coffee. I shakily handed it to Pat, letting him have it.

I checked my phone, and I really had to get back. I wasn’t really sure how to leave, just getting up was the only plan I had, but John looked over at me again and I didn’t know what to do. I slid off of the seat, standing up and trying to make my way out the crowd back to work, I knew I was probably going to get in trouble, and John’s hand shot out, gripping my wrist.

I turned to face him, and he just looked at me pleadingly. “I’m going to be late to get back.” He didn’t say anything, and didn’t loosen the grip on me. I sighed and collapsed back down into my previous seat, just waiting to finally be let go.

Five more minutes passed, and nothing changed. The boys were still busy signing and talking, and John was still sneaking in looks over at me. I mean, I knew I looked good, I had to for where I worked, but between his eyes and the lights and the heat from the store and all the bodies it was getting to be too much. I stood up again, tugging my pants up, and John looked up towards me. I leaned over, gripping his shoulder so I could talk into his ear.

“I really do have to go, and this doesn’t fix last night, sorry.” I messed his hair and then pushed back through the crowd.