You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

Someone was at the door, but I wasn’t rushing to answer it. It was a Friday night, and Sarah was out with Garrett and the boys, and my grams had got invited out for the night with my aunt. My sister had to work, and so not only was I home alone, but I was home alone with her son, which was getting a bit ridiculous. It’d been months since my mom passed, it was time to get on your feet again. But what I said didn’t matter, I was looking out for her, and I guess it kind of came with being her little brother.

I pulled my hands into the sleeves of John’s hoodie that I still had, snuggling deeper into the couch. It was raining out, relatively pouring, and someone was outside, that should concern me. ‘Should concern me’ being my key points. The knocking didn’t stop, and I got up, handing Gabriel another cookie and running down the stairs quickly as he tried to follow me. He was almost two, so getting down the steps wasn’t probably too big of a challenge, but I wasn’t taking chances, and tugged his playpen up against the opening of the steps as he started yelling and screaming.

“Shhh, hold on, Gabe.” He peered through at me, and waved, and I darted down the second flight of steps, undoing the main lock on the door, and opening it a little. John stood in front of me, a little on the drenched side, but that didn’t seem to dampen the smile on his face when I opened the door. The collar of his coat was turned up, and he had his hair slicked back. I fought all the terrible urges going through my mind, biting my lip. I hadn’t seen him since the performance I’d stumbled on during work, which had to make it what, four days since I’d last seen him?

“Hey.” He smiled, and I just continued to stare at him, not purposely, I just wasn’t expecting this at all. He shoved DVDs my way, since I still had him standing outside. “I brought movies...” He bit his lip now, smoothing down his hair. I didn’t say anything, just stumbled back against the opposite wall, opening the door for him. “Nice hoodie.” He laughed quietly, taking off his shoes.

Gabriel started yelling again, which didn’t surprise me, he didn’t recognize John’s voice. “I’m actually in the middle of babysitting…” I trailed off, slightly embarrassed that this was what my weekends had become, when John’s were totally opposite.

“So?” He raised his eyebrows, following me up the stairs. He reached out for my hand, and I shoved the DVDs back at him, running up the second set.

“Gabe back up.” Gabriel continued to yell and shove at the playpen as I shoved it from the other side. John stood behind me now, catching up and laughing. “Back up!”

Finally he did, and I shoved it aside, grabbing him in the process before he could dart down the stairs. Gabriel pointed at John, making babbles and things I couldn’t understand. John took his coat off, setting it on one of my gram’s wooden chairs. I pushed the playpen back into place in front of the stairs, collapsing back onto the couch as Gabe squirmed out from my arms, running over to get his toys. John walked over towards the couch, sitting next to me as his arm automatically went against the back of the sofa, around me.

“So this is…?” John turned to me.

“Gabriel, my sister’s lovely spawn.” At this, Gabe ran over to John, apparently having a new favorite, and started piling his toys in John’s lap.

“Oh…” John’s eyebrows knitted together. “He looks like you.”

I shoved his shoulder lightly. “I didn’t mate with my sister, sorry.”

“Might as well have.” He mumbled, smirking, and I shoved him again. “I’m just kidding, baby.” He kissed the side of my head, and I leaned into him a little. Of course, Gabriel couldn’t handle this, and instead had to start throwing a fit, I knew he was hungry, but I didn’t want to get up off the couch. I sighed and got up, handing him cookies. I was hoping he was going to fall asleep soon, and now that John was here, I wanted him to sleep even worse.

I decided to just go ahead and give it a try, maybe he’d surprise me. I dragged the playpen from the stairs to the spare room, and came back, heating up a bottle on the stove. I slumped against it, I was more tired then I had realized. Gabriel was on the floor getting into the cupboards and watching me, and John stayed on the couch quietly. I gave Gabe his bottle and laid him down in the playpen, sneaking out and shutting his door. I walked back into the living room, John was still on the couch, and I picked up the DVDs, putting one in and collapsing onto the couch, leaving a bit of a gap in between John and me.

It was awkward getting through the movie, John would bite his lip and look over at me, and I didn’t do anything. It was Amityville, the newer version, and I’d already seen it a million times, so any hope he had had to have about me getting scared was out the window. Scary movies didn’t do much of anything to me anyways.

The movie ended, and John swung his legs onto the couch, stretching out. Because of his massive height, he “accidentally” ended up with his head in my lap. I bit my lip, and twirled my fingers through his hair. I thought I heard my name, but I wasn’t sure, I was zoned out, thinking about the other night. As much as I tried to tell myself it was because I had been drunk and exaggerated, but my mind still wouldn’t lay off it. On the inside I was livid, but I still found it in me to be nice to John, I don’t really know how.

“Alex.” I felt pressure on my stomach and looked down. John’s face was buried into my hoodie, well, his hoodie actually. “Baby?”

“Mmm, sorry, what?” I snapped back into reality, and he reached up, intertwining his fingers with mine in his hair, and bringing it down to press my knuckles against his lips.

“You all right?” He looked up at me, and I found it hard to meet his eyes, they drew you in, hypnotized you, he could get whatever he wanted, and he’d just have to look at me long enough to get it.

“Just thinking.” I mumbled.

“About?” I bit my lip and looked past him. “Alex.” He sighed. “Alex, look at me.”

“What, John?” I looked at him finally, and his eyes made me melt.

“What’re you thinking about?” He spoke quietly, running his thumb over the back of my hand.

My eyes blurred a little, and I missed having my long hair to hide behind. “Nothing, it doesn’t matter.”

“If it’s upsetting you, then yeah, it does.” His eyes followed mine, watching me carefully. “Alex, we were best friends for how long before all of this…I doubt anything’s really going to surprise me.”

“So?”

“Is this just all about the other night? Be honest.”

I bit my lip harder. “Not entirely…”

“Not entirely?” He pressed.

I let out a weak, low laugh. “John, you honestly thought I’d never get sick of being your secret all these years?” John fell quiet now, his bottom lip pulling into his mouth, now it was his turn to look away. Neither of us said anything, it was too much, and I already knew what his answer would be. He ran his thumb over my hand every so often, but other then that didn’t talk for what felt like ages, the silence was killing me.

“Do you remember your first day of high school?” John looked up at me again, his eyes glistened a little.

“Care to remind me?” I forced a weak smile.

He laughed, coughing a little. “Well, I think you stayed over my house the night before? I think. And then I took you to school, but we were late. And then you had no clue where to go, so I ended up being even later.” John paused, smiling a little. This was back before anything happened, back when John was a senior and I was a pathetic mess that clung to him all the time. “And then I remember I was outside of the English hallway after, and I think you had French first?” He bit his lip and looked up at me; I only nodded, telling him to continue. “And I remember I was talking to the guys, and this little figure came pushing through the crowds, and damn, you looked so scared.” He laughed again. “And I remember I stood up as tall as I could and I waved at you, and you came darting over so fast, and I’m not even sure how it happened, but next thing I know you were clinging to me like you were going to die if I let go of you.” I blushed, covering up my face with my hoodie sleeve, there was a reason I forgot moments like that.

He pulled my sleeve away from my face, shaking his head, smile still plastered all over his face. “Well you could have told me to go away!”

“You had no friends, Alex.” He laughed again, and I shoved him playfully.

“And then you started meeting up with me after every class and putting all your shit in my locker John, you didn’t even use yours anymore, so don’t even tell me that I was the only clingy one.”

“Okay, okay, calm down.” He laughed, “You know for a while there my mom just wanted you to move in already, you spent practically the entirety of that year in my house…and a good bit of the next.” A good bit of the next, also known as the six months before John disappeared. He noticed the change in my expression. “Hey, no, we’re not going there tonight.” He pushed his finger against my chest lightly.

“I wasn’t saying anything.” I half-heartedly defended myself.

“I could tell what you were thinking. Did I not just bring up how close we used to be?”

“Yeah, you did…and then I’d always go to school wearing your clothes, because I’d spend the night. And then my mom would always be questioning where the new clothes were coming from, not even realizing they were a million sizes too big.”

“You really wore the hell out of my clothes the year after though.” A playful smirk came across John’s face.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have just haphazardly stripped me and thrown my clothes around your room when I’d come over.”

“Hey, I missed you during the week, and you couldn’t ever stay, since I didn’t go to school anymore.”

“John, you would sleep straight through noon and leave me with no way to get to school. And you’d never let me out of the bed.” I smiled finally; it felt good to think about the better times for once.

“I told you.” He kissed my knuckles again. “I missed you. I mean really, did you expect me to just let you out of bed when I had to go all those agonizing hours without you.” John got all dramatic now, pouting.

“Maybe you should have, I don’t know, gotten a life outside your boyfriend?” I laughed.

“But I did have the band…and I tried to go back to school for a while…it wasn’t like I sat home all day waiting on you.” He bit his lip. “Your grams told me you were talking about going back.”

“Going back?” In my head I reminded myself to bitch to my grandma later about this, she had no right to go telling John everything, but then again she saw him as another grandkid, and if he said anything that important she would have told me.

“To school.”

“O-Oh.” My voice cracked. That wasn’t for John to know yet, because school meant a lack of John, a major lack, I wouldn’t be able to go to shows or be there for pretty much anything, and my attachment to school and his to the band would probably be the end to anything we had going for us.

“If you’re really thinking about it…I want you to go.” He played with my hoodie, and the room got a lot warmer, I didn’t want to talk about leaving John, I was already generally upset with him, I didn’t want to fight. And I sure as hell didn’t want to talk about a lack of John, especially when he’d just gotten home. “What?”

“Nothing.” I shook my head. “I just don’t think I’m going to.”

“Alex, me and my band can’t be your life. I forget sometimes how young you are. Well, how young we all are.” His thumb traced the side of my face, and he smiled weakly.

“I’m not saying you guys are-”

John cut me off. “Then go out and find yourself, while you have time. I mean, I tried it, it didn’t work for me…but I tried it. And then I figured it all out, I guess.” I just shook my head again, biting my lip. “You’ll regret it. You will.” I shook my head yet again, and his thumb dropped to my lips, tracing them now.

“I’ll regret it worse if I give up you.”

John laughed dryly, almost making me jump at the sudden noise. “I didn’t say it was one or the other.”

“It’s hard enough calling you mine as is, John.” Almost as if for emphasis his phone went off. He reached for it, but I slipped my hand into his pocket, pulling it out. Restricted number, great, it was going to be one of those nights. John tried his hardest to get it out of my hand, but I shoved at his arms, clearing my throat and putting on my best impersonation of him. I’d had to listen to him speak for how many years now, it wasn’t hard. They’d already hung up, and I was almost disappointed, until the phone went off again. “Hello?” I answered, hearing a mess of teenage girls on the other end.

John sat up off of my lap, a somber look on his face. “Funny, give it.” I stood up, walking away from him.

“So, who’s this?” The chorus of girls continued, now naming off each of them. Jessica, Abby, and Melissa.

“Hey Jessica, Abby, and Melissa.” John’s arms hooked tightly around my waist from behind as I paced the living room. His lips pressed under my ear that didn’t have the phone attached to it.

“Alex, give me the phone.” He spoke harshly, and I sighed, handing it over to him. He immediately dropped his arms, before tapping the phone’s screen, the girls’ voices even louder.

“John, the fuck! You’ll wake Gabe!” I hissed as I grabbed his wrist and dragged him out to the small balcony. He handed me his phone and ran back in, grabbing his coat before coming back out, it was cold, but it was late, and December. I shivered and sat down at the very edge, letting my legs dangle like I always did. He came back out and sat down at the small table, letting them fill the silence, I handed him back the phone.

“Hand me those.” I pointed at the pack of cigarettes on the table.

“No.” He spoke firmly, before returning to the fan girls.

“Hand them to me or I’ll get them myself.” I laughed, this was so pointless, and not handing them to me didn’t accomplish shit.

“I’ll throw them into that puddle down there.” He pointed to the one a few ten feet or more below me. I swung my arms around the pole, hoisting myself and grabbed them before he could do anything.

“Who’s that?” One of the girls asked. I just shook my head, lighting my cigarette.

“That’s Alex.” John glared over at me as I took a long drag. It would always piss him off when I’d smoke, and then I’d just end up blowing the smoke his way to piss him off more. I got pissed that he drank so much, we all had our evils.

“Gaskarth?!” A few excited voices shrieked.

“No. Different Alex.” Total disappointment rang out from the girls. Oh well, I wasn’t aiming to please them anyways.

“I’m cuter!” I yelled, earning myself a small smile from John as he watched me. “Come sit over here?” I pouted; even though he’d bitch I’m sure. John let out a sigh, sauntering over and spreading apart his legs behind me, tugging me back in the space in between. His chin rested on my shoulder, speaking every now and then into the phone. I took another drag, and he exaggeratedly sighed, fidgeting a bit. “John, I’ve been doing this since I was sixteen. Get used to it.”

“Fourteen.” He mumbled, correcting me.

“Fourteen?”

“The fair, you stole a pack from your uncle or something, and thought it was the coolest thing in the world, I swear you smoked the whole thing in like an hour.” I laughed a little, before letting out a cough. Fuck, John did not get me sick. “Don’t blame me, you’re the one smoking.”

“So? I think I’d be used to the smoke by now, O’Callaghan.”

“I’d say if you put that out I’ll kiss you…” He trailed off, speaking too quiet against my ear for the girls to hear, they were telling a story anyways. He wrinkled his nose. “But I’d rather kiss you when you have morning breath than now.” John was always this way, complaining I tasted so much better when I laid off them for a while, which was kind of embarrassing to talk about. I didn’t know it really mattered that much.

“Never said I wanted to kiss you anyways.” I mumbled, putting it out in the ash tray I’d left next to where I usually sat a few days back. I’d only taken two drags; it wasn’t that big of a deal. I almost felt bad for just wasting a whole cigarette, and getting bitched at from John. He slid out from behind me, telling the girls to call him later; it wasn’t like they were going to give up his number soon anyways.

“I should probably get going…shouldn’t I?” He frowned a little, and I wanted to ask him to stay, just as lights flickered in the driveway, my grandma was home. I wanted to leave it up to her, but I didn’t know.

“Just…stay a little longer…alright?” I looked up at him pathetically, not wanting to admit how bad I was going to miss him, regardless that I was sick of being covered up all the time.

He kissed my forehead and tugged me by the hand closer to him. “You sure?”

I swallowed hard. “Yeah, I’m sure.” I pushed the patio door back open, and his hand squeezed mine, following after. I laughed quietly, shutting the door behind him. “I think I got the back of my pants all wet sitting on the ground out there.”

“Yeah, you did.” He laughed. He had sat on the drier half, the edge of the balcony where I’d sat was totally soaked, but the awning covered the good half where he ended up.

“I don’t think I can make it into the spare room without waking up Gabriel.” I bit my lip.

“So take ‘em off, and go brush your teeth, and I’ll cuddle with you on the couch.” His arms wrapped lowly around my waist and I couldn’t help but blush. I didn’t want to just drop my pants in the middle of the front room. I didn’t have a chance to voice my opinion; John’s head fell to the side of mine, lips pressed against the right side of my face as his fingers fumbled with my jeans shakily. His lips slipped down, leaving a smoldering trail going down my neck, before finding a spot and pushing the skin back and forth with his mouth, sucking on it. I couldn’t help but shudder, my fingers gripping onto John’s hair, the other five his shirt, which just pushed him to continue.

The front door swung open loudly, and I ripped away from John, every part of my body was burning, burning for John could be the only way I could really put it. I was thinking it was my grandmother, but I was wrong, my obnoxious sister called up the stairs loudly, not even thinking maybe her son was sleeping. I pushed back my hair, trying to breathe and calm myself down, but my heart was still racing. I glanced over at John, who wore a content smirk, before I realized my pants were undone, fixing them quickly.

My sister stumbled up the stairs, scantily dressed, and way too overly confident for the shape her body was in, but that never seemed to stop her, and John’s presence only encouraged it.

“Hey Bethany.” John smiled at her, and I wanted to gag.

“Hey!” She was so loud, even when she tried to be quiet, and she immediately went for the kitchen.

“Gabe’s asleep; I’ll be in the bathroom.” I mumbled just loud enough that she could hear before shuffling out of the front room. I stripped off my wet pants, and my hoodie, staying in my boxer briefs and the v-neck I’d had on underneath. I splashed my face with water multiple times; just enough for my heart to slow down and stop exploding out of my chest.

I had to have spent an eternity in there, just scrubbing the hell out of my teeth. Finally, I tiptoed out, walking out to the living room. I scratched the back of my head awkwardly, standing in front of the kitchen table. John smiled at me, but he looked a bit taken aback at my sister, who proceeded to shove her face and attempt to flirt with him at the same time. I went to pull out one of the chairs, but John stretched his legs out, and I instead chose his lap for a seat. This wasn’t that big of a deal, my sister was used to us acting like this. Under the table, John’s arms hooked around my waist, and he ran his fingertips under my shirt, and over my hip bones.

“Nice tattoos.” My sister smirked at John, eyeing the parts of his chest that were visible from him unbuttoning the top few buttons of his shirt.

“I have more than just those.”

“Oh, I have a few.”

“Cool…” John rested his chin on my shoulder. I knew this wasn’t the end of the tattoo talk as my sister stood up, tugging up the back of her tank top and I forced back a gag, turning my face into the side of John’s and closing my eyes. I really wasn’t fond of seeing my sister nude in any way. John just laughed, and I looked back over now that she was sitting down. His fingers drew over my lower stomach. “You know Alex is getting a tattoo.”

“I’m doing what, now?” I furrowed my eyebrows.

“This summer, when you come out to see us, I’m making you get one.”

“I’m guessing you already have this all planned?” I groaned, pushing my hair back.

“Of course.” Gabriel started talking and babbling and yelling from the other room, and I sighed, getting up since my sister showed no signs of doing so. John got up, and shoved me back down into his seat. The front door slammed open again, and my grams now made her way up the stairs. John walked back out, Gabe clutching to him, and I couldn’t help but notice the look my grandma gave me once she realized I was in my underwear, and had been alone with John.

“Hey grandma.” I smiled innocently, and she winked at me, taking her usual seat at the table, going on about the movie she saw and my sister went on about her job, while I bundled up Gabriel. “You didn’t have to get him.” I mumbled to John, handing Gabe over to his mom as I collapsed onto the couch. He just shrugged, and reached over, giving my hand a squeeze.

It seemed like it took years to get my sister to leave, and my grams went to bed soon after, obviously thinking John and I wanted alone time. John stretched out on the couch, tugging on my arm, and I lay down next to him, clinging a little. One of his hands drew patterns on my thigh.

“That isn’t weird to you at all?” I questioned him, playing with the buttons on his shirt.

“What isn’t weird?” He looked at me confused, and I blushed.

“I just…I don’t know…you dated Jenny for a while, so I don’t know how you could go from girls to guys so easy.”

He chewed his lip. “Well…it’s natural to me, I guess.” He nuzzled his head against mine, laughing quietly. “Not really the girls part of it all…mostly just you.”

“So did you and Jenny ever…?” I trailed off, biting my lip; I wasn’t sure how bad I really wanted him to answer that. John buried his face in my neck, sighing.

“That’s not really your business, Alex.”

“I know…sorry.” I rubbed his sides lightly. We sat in silence for a few minutes, while I gathered up courage. “John?” I mumbled.

“Hm?” He turned his head, kissing my ear.

“Have you ever thought about…like…telling people…about us?” I choked out most of it, hoping it wouldn’t upset him too much.

“Alex…” He propped himself up, sitting on top of me. “You know how I feel about that.”

“But it couldn’t be that bad. I mean look at how my grams, Sarah, Pat, Garrett, all of them John, they don’t care.”

He sighed. “I’ll think about it again…is that good enough for you?” I shook my head, and he pressed his forehead against mine. “I’m not saying no, I’m saying give me time.”

“But you will say no.” I watched him scowl.

“I don’t want you to come on tour with us for a while.” He changed the subject on me, trying to distract me.

“Because I want us to be public you don’t want me around…?” I looked at him confused.

“No, because I want you to do stuff for yourself.” He kissed my forehead. “And then this summer you can come out to a few of the shows.”

“Does Sarah get to go?” I dropped my hands from his sides. John didn’t answer me. “Well does she?”

“I don’t know…if she and Garrett decide then yeah…probably.”

“Oh…” I bit my lip.

“I should probably just get going.” John sighed and shoved himself up off of me and the couch. I trailed after him pathetically, watching him put his coat on and followed him down the steps as he shoved on his shoes. He laced his fingers through mine loosely, tugging me outside with him.

“John…I’m sorry…I don’t want to fight.” I mumbled, rubbing my arm, shivering a bit. He hooked his arms around me, pulling me into him.

“Don’t worry about it.” He kissed the top of my head.

“I’ll stay…I guess…if that’s what you really want.” I wished he’d say he changed his mind, that he wanted me to come, but it didn’t seem likely.

“I’m not leaving yet, we have time, alright? That’s all it comes down to.” I nodded. “I love you.” He smiled, and leaned down, pecking my lips lightly.

“Love you too.” He released me, messing up my hair, and walked back to his car.