You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

I shifted over and over, turning and twisting and tugging and pushing off the blanket Pat and I shared on the couch. Garrett and Sarah had left when John had decided to go up to his room and sleep, giving me the old friend treatment of being stuck on his couch. It was late, probably morning by now, pitch black outside, and Pat had passed out hours ago, but I couldn’t find it in me to fall asleep. We’d accidentally left the television on, after Dude Where’s My Car ended, and I couldn’t bring myself to get off the couch and turn if off, half afraid of waking someone up since John’s brothers and parents were all sleeping. That also kept me from just getting up in general, disturbing someone wasn’t on tonight’s agenda. I heard footsteps, and feigned sleep, hearing the fridge and cupboards open. I opened my eyes again, not realizing John’s mom was in the living room now, turning the television off.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up, honey.” She smiled sweetly, the way she had so many times before.

“No, it’s fine. I was already awake.” She nodded, and slid into the chair a few feet away from the couch.

“Something bothering you?” She cradled the mug in her hands, and I glanced over at Pat’s sleeping form on the other end of the couch, who just turned over. “Don’t tell me John did something.” She spoke a little quieter, and I looked at her half shocked, half confused.

“John didn’t do anything…” I trailed off, scratching the top of my head.

“Oh, well I just assumed, with how close you two have always been.” She put a lot of emphasis on close, and smirked, it became clear where John’s crazy smiles came from.

“We’re not that close.” I defended weakly, staring at the blank television. John’s mom scoffed, and I looked over at her just in time for her to roll her eyes.

“You need to remember that’s my boy, I know everything.” I felt the blush creep on my face, and my stomach contorted nervously, I had a feeling where she was taking this. “Just be careful, alright? Both of you.” She smiled at me. “Now go get upstairs already.” I blushed worse than before and slowly pushed myself off the couch, trying my hardest not to wake Pat up. I padded over to John’s mom, hugging her as she rubbed my back lightly. “Don’t be afraid to talk to me alright? I practically raised you both.” She laughed.

“Thanks, a lot, I mean it.” I smiled at her.

“Good luck.” She squeezed my hand tightly, and I tiptoed up the stairs. The entirety of the house outside the kitchen and living room were completely dark, but I felt my way around the best I could. John’s door was the first on the right, always had been. I pushed open the door as quietly as I could, meeting even more darkness, and tried to hold in my breath, knowing I’d always breathe way too loud, and probably freak him out. I shut the door slowly, hoping it wouldn’t loudly creak the way it used to. With my luck, it did, letting out a loud groan as it hooked with the frame, and I swore under my breath quietly. Rustling came from the opposite side of the room where John’s bed was, as my eyes started to adjust to the dark.

John was half awake, half totally gone, rubbing his eyes and face continuously. He moved back, and held up his blanket, making room for me to crawl in. I did so, curling up in a small ball against his chest, shivering a little as his body heat and his blanket warmed me up. His arms wrapped around me, and he yawned, close to my ear. I couldn’t help but let out a small, quiet laugh, after the event that had just taken place in his living room. For someone so scared of what people would think, it was ironic that his mother was so supportive and he didn’t even know because he was too worried to ever tell her. It had to be a mother-son connection, the kind I never had with my own mom.

“What’s so funny?” John slurred quietly in my ear.

“Nothing.” I smiled, curling my fingers through his hair.

“No, tell me.” He was frustrated and sleepy, behaving like the stubborn little kid he’d always been on the inside.

I chewed my lip, hesitating for a second. “Your mom knows, John.” His eyes met mine, all puzzled and confused.

“You didn’t tell her…” He warned, shifting about, trying to wake himself up more.

“No, she just knew. She loves you, she doesn’t care, you’re her son.” I watched him, unsure of his reaction, but he just bit his lip, nodding slightly, and buried his head in the crook of my neck. I continued to run my fingers through his hair, the only way I knew how to soothe him. “You’re really lucky, you know…”

He pulled away from me, laying his head down on his pillow again, close enough to mine that our noses touched, as he smiled drowsily. “I know.” He yawned, and I buried my head in his chest, finally comfortable enough to fall sleep.

A high pitched childish scream started out downstairs, and came upstairs, accompanied by loud steps and the door to John’s room slamming open. I didn’t even have to open my eyes, groaning and clutching blindly at John. “Pat, quiet down.” He climbed and sat on top of John and me.

“Why don’t I get invited to super secret slumber parties?” He pouted, before turning it into a song, complete with the rubbing of his nips, and his voice getting higher and higher. John sat up, letting go of me and Pat fell back against the bed.

“Please, Pat, put your shirt down, I don’t want to see your nipples first thing in the morning.” I stretched, and John pushed the blanket back, tugging up his own shirt and mimicking Pat with a totally serious look on his face. It got really weird, watching them continue, and I tried my hardest to look everywhere but at the two boys.

“Embrace it!” Pat yelled, and I couldn’t breathe anymore, I started laughing so hard. I expected them to stop, but they didn’t, continuing on their conversation. “So since your brothers left your mom’s making pancakes.”

“Ah, sweet, I was hoping she would.” They continued on like it was nothing.

“I hope your nipples fall off, both of you.” I swung my legs over the side of the bed, getting up to head downstairs.

We put away the pancakes like it was nothing, which was ironic for the fact of how tiny we all were, it was really kind of gross to realize how much food exactly that was. I got up, following John to put my plate away, leaning against the counter and running my hands over my flat stomach, feeling like it should be so much bigger, as I had a disgusting stuffed feeling going on. John pushed my hands away, hooking his arms around my waist and kissing the top of my head. I let out a sigh, before glancing over to where his mom sat with her back to us, watching the television, and Pat was upstairs getting ready. He pressed a finger to his lips, before leaning down and connecting his own with mine. His lips stuck to mine awkwardly from all the syrup and John broke away for a minute, laughing quietly.

It wasn’t long before his lips were back on mine again, and he pushed me back around the counter, boosting me up so I was on top of it. My hands tangled through his hair, tugging lightly. John’s hands pushed my knees apart, and I scooted forward, as he tugged me closer to him. His tongue slipped into my mouth and I shivered, gripping and tugging at his hair harder.

“John Cornelius! I use that to make food, you know!” His mom shrieked, and I froze. My face burned, and I bit my lip, glancing over to where she stood, slightly fuming, her hands on her hips. I untangled my fingers out of John’s hair, but he held me still, staring at his mom the same way I was. I had no clue what to say, we hadn’t really ever gotten caught before, and definitely never by his mom. My face continued to burn up, and I turned my head away, hiding it in John’s shirt. “Well?” She huffed, not too upset anymore, and John tugged me down off the counter. Pat breezed down into the living room from the stairs, looking back and forth between his mom and us.

“Something I missed…?”

“No, Pat, you’re all good.” I laughed awkwardly, running a hand through my hair.

“Can we go to the park then?” Pat pouted, and I looked over at John’s mom, who had just gone back to her show, not even paying attention to us anymore.

“Yeah.” John finally spoke, walking away from me to get his shoes and coat. I half dragged myself after the two of them, shivering as we walked to the park. I didn’t have a coat, just a long sleeve shirt on, and I constantly tugged the sleeves down, clenching the extra fabric in my fist.

Pat ran through the kiddy playground sets, swinging from bars, and I sat down on one of the swings, pushing the mulch back and forth with my feet, wrapping my arms around myself. John sat on the swing next to me. “Are you going to come to the show?”

“I don’t know, I thought I had to be invited to those kinds of things.” I drew random patterns with the toe of my shoe.

“Well do you want to come?” I looked up at him, as his eyes watched me.

“I guess, yeah.” I bit my lip awkwardly. “I don’t have to sell stuff do I?”

He shook his head, a small smile on his face. “Nope.”

I sighed. “I just have to sit backstage with Sarah.”

“That’s a definite.” John let out a small laugh.

“Oh well, I have more fun with Sarah than I do with you anyways.” I swung back, and kicked his swing, shoving him to the side. He stuck his foot out, and the side of his swing collided with mine.

“I honestly can’t believe that.”

“Well you should, because it’s true.”

“Uh huh.” John mocked.

The boys were going to go on soon, and I couldn’t help myself, inwardly groaning and wanting to rip my hair out every time Sarah and Garrett got up on each other, or kissed, or even talked. John was completely ignoring me, had been since Pat had met back up with us at the park the day before, because we’d constantly been surrounded by others. I’d glance over at him every now and then, and force a weak smile to meet his crooked one that plastered itself on his face whenever he caught me watching him. It wasn’t like we were fighting, we were fine, just distant, but that was part of the whole game I had to play to be with John.

“You know how much I love you right?” Garrett cooed from the couch next to the one I was sitting on, and I felt like I was going to puke. On the way in we’d passed a lot of fans, well we had in general anyways, and Sarah always had to hang all over Garrett, claim her property. All the while I got to stand there and watch John get grabbed at and asked to marry girls and kisses on the cheeks, and the crazier fans who wanted to do a lot more than that to him. And not one of them even knew I existed, that John was attached to anyone. It was his own fault; he put on a too damn good show. If I wasn’t who I was, I probably wouldn’t even be able to tell.

Garrett and Sarah kissed for what had to be the millionth time, and my stomach churned worse. I hated how jealous I was, I really wasn’t one to get like this, and it was just getting to all be too much. The crowd started screaming loudly, and the guys had to get up and go set up and get on stage already. John turned around, and waved weakly at me. I shook my head and grabbed Sarah’s wrist, pulling her farther backstage as the guitars started up.

“Can you two cut it the fuck out in front of everyone already?” I snapped, fuming.

“Cut out what?” She stared at me puzzled. “I don’t get it.”

“The kissing, and the faces, and the fucking babying and hanging all over each other!” I yelled, ripping at my hair and pacing a bit. “Especially in front of the fans, it gets a million times worse!”

“It’s called being in a relationship, Alex. And last I checked, no one else has been complaining, the guys don’t care.”

“I know they don’t.”

“So? You’re the one who kept encouraging me to get with Garrett like crazy, and you used to get mad when we wouldn’t show how we felt. Now I do what you say, and you still bitch. What the fuck do you want from me?”

“I don’t know, okay! Can you just fucking stop it?”

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes at me, and walked back towards the stage where the small group of people stood. I followed after her, but strayed away, making sure to leave ample distance between us, even though the fight was my entire fault in the end.

The guys sang the last song, Girls Do What They Want. I was usually a lot more amused then I was now at John’s dancing and the boys’ crazy antics on stage. The song ended and they shouted out, before reminding everybody to stick around, since they were going to go outside. They came back through to where we were at, all of them sweaty and exhausted looking. Garrett went in a bee line from the stage, handing over his bass to a tech, before practically running to Sarah. I smiled a little, hoping for some kind of attention, but John just shoved past me, walking down and through one of the hallways. Sarah didn’t cling to Garrett the way she usually did, kind of pushing away a little, and I knew it was from the episode I’d just had. I bit my lip and trailed after where John had gone, ending up outside, Sarah was behind me, but again a large distance separated us.

I ended up just trailing after everyone as they signed and took pictures and things. A few fans who must not have known the bands well enough talked to me, even though I was absolutely no one, I guess I could pass off as someone important, yeah, I wish. Out of the corner of my eye I caught Garrett walking over to Sarah, she shoved him away when he hooked his arm around her, and I started to regret blowing up at her, because now I was messing them up.

I followed John blindly around his house after we got back. I got up whenever he did, and wasn't even sure where I was going half the time, just kept following him in any chance that he'd give me attention. He sat down, and I sat next to him, the cushion shifted, and I ended up practically in his lap, which earned me my first warning glance. The rest of the guys were here, as well as Sarah, and it was basically morning, but no one had fallen asleep yet, adrenaline still rushing through them. John nudged me away from him, his elbow digging at me on one side, the arm of the chair on the other. He went to get up again, and I went to move with him.

"Cut it out." He warned, leaning towards me so no one would hear, and I bit my lip, wanting to tug him closer, or do something outrageous. Instead I sighed and stayed in my spot. It wasn't long before he was back again, then gone again. I went to move, the second time he got back up, and he had yelled at me to stay where I was like a dog.

Once everyone had either passed out, or left, John made his way back towards the couch, where I was lying. I couldn't sleep, as usual, and I'd just been staring at the ceiling, running my fingers through my hair over and over, zoning out. He climbed on top of me, and I ignored him completely, continuing to stare up.

"What's wrong?" He whispered.

"Nothing." I lied.

"Okay," He moved into my line of vision, blocking my view of the ceiling. "What's wrong?" He repeated.

"Nothing." I spoke weaker this time, his eyes staring down mine. "Nothing's wrong, John."

"That's not true." He pressed, leaning his forehead against mine.

"It doesn't matter, because if I tell you it'll just upset you." I tugged at my hair, letting my eyes drift away from his, staring at a freckle on the side of his face. John bit his lip. "I'm just going to go home, alright?"

"How?" He let out a small, quiet laugh.

"I'll walk." I spoke stubbornly.

"It's a ways to your grams."

"Then I'll go sneak in the back of my old house." I wasn't giving up; I didn't want to spend the night tonight.

"Alex, we haven't had alone time in days." I barely heard him, and someone shifted, John freezing up completely. It was just Sarah, and John relaxed again, eyes locking back onto mine.

"So you complain you never get time with him, and then you get it and you don't want it. Make up your fucking mind." Sarah bitched. I just shook my head and pushed John off me, who got up and followed me all the way to the front door.

"You'll regret it, if you don't spend the night." John's finger hooked through the belt loop on my jeans, as he leaned against the door frame.

"I guess that's just a chance that I'll have to take." I bent over, sliding on my shoes.

"Just stay, Alex, I miss you." He pouted, tugging me towards him by my belt loop once I'd stood up again. I shook my head, pecking his lips, and darted out the door.