You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

I finally made it back to my grandma's. Spending the night at my old house was eerie, and I was sure to sneak out the back door and hop the fence the minute I could. I collapsed onto the couch, panting, and she laughed.

"Where've you been, toots?"

"Where haven't I been grams? I don't even know." I rubbed my face. "What day is today?"

"Friday."

I swore under my breath, before apologizing for using such language. I had work today, and I was late. Hopefully no one too strict was working; I wasn't in the mood to have to look for a new job right now. I didn't even have time to change; having to go in the same clothes from last night.

Luckily, Carly was working. Carly liked to lean on the counter and mess with her phone, usually texting the whole time she worked, while I took care of ringing people up and folding clothes, she held the longest conversations with them, and I wasn't really sure how.

She didn't even know I was late, and greeted me just like any other day, before informing me how grungy I was looking. I thanked her for being so blunt with me, and took my spot behind the desk next to her.

Work sucked, but when didn't work suck. It was funny at times, to catch the younger girls walk past the shop and lean in, trying to find a guy, sometimes I thought it was me, but then I wasn't so sure. Maybe there was some kind of newsletter that went around secretly to tweens, telling them about the new cute boy at the mall, I don't know, whatever it was, it was a little creepy.

I walked outside, the brisk air hit me, now that it was starting to get dark, and I shivered, wishing I'd brought a jacket. I recognized the car, and the boy leaning against it almost immediately. He smiled widely when he saw me, and I almost thought I was imagining it, after how I acted last night, John had no reason to show up.

"Hey." I smiled a little as I walked over, "What're you doing here?"

He licked his lips, laughing. "I'm not allowed to pick up my boyfriend? My parents are at dinner, thought you might want to come over." He jingled his keys in my face, smirking.

"Real classy, O'Callaghan." I leaned up, and pecked his lips, opening the door behind him and crawling in.

-------

John's dad's car was gone, just like he'd said, and he led me out of his car, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the house. Once he unlocked it, his hand dropped from mine slightly, his fingers just loosely wrapped around mine as he looked around for his brothers.

He slid open the door to the computer room, he didn't even have to open it, you could hear the gun shots and explosions coming from the television, and the two boys faces were practically void, all wide eyed and focused on the television. "I'm home, if anyone cares." The younger one, Shane, nodded, not even tearing his eyes from the screen. I hid a laugh, covering my mouth with the hand that wasn't hooked to John's. He turned and smiled at me, before shutting the door again. "Come on." He spoke quietly, his fingers lightly tugging me along to the couch. I collapsed on it next to him, as he flipped through the channels on the television, settling on a channel so many times over, before changing it all over again.

He leaned back, and then leaned fully over me. I wasn't sure what he was doing, and I froze, until the chair reclined back. I stretched my legs out, and John scooted closer to me, sharing the same seat cushion with me and entangling our legs. Pulling an ASU throw blanket from the side of the couch and tossing it over us. He sat content for a few minutes, and I just stared at the television, zoned out, I honestly couldn't tell you what the show was, or what was happening. His arm was originally around my shoulders, but from the way I curled into him, his arm hung loosely at my side, where he tugged up my shirt under the blanket, tracing lines on my skin. I shivered because his fingers were freezing, but he took it differently, and he moved his fingers farther down, and then over my lower stomach. .

I ignored most of it, continuing to stare at the television blankly, and John didn't approve of the distraction. He tugged the blanket up, and then crawled over on top of me, tugging it over our heads as he shifted about. His breath warm was beating against my face, as he nudged his own into the side of my neck, kissing along it. I absentmindedly twisted my fingers through his hair, I couldn't see anything between the mess of John's hair that was in my face, and the blanket blocking out the bit of light coming from the television.

It was hard to breathe under the blanket, between the heat coming from both of us in the same small space. John tugged at the skin over my collarbones, and when I didn't respond, sighed dramatically and stopped, leaning his forehead against mine. I could barely make out his face, but his eyes were still visible. He looked like he was thinking, or debating about something, but before I could ask, or try to figure out what, it disappeared from his eyes. I looked away, to the darkness, to the fabric of John's shirt that blocked my view whenever he leaned in.

His bottom lip disappeared into his mouth, before reappearing as he crushed his lips hungrily against mine. I know I didn't react the way he was hoping. His body tensed, and I tugged on his hair weakly, but it was too late. John pushed himself up off of me, letting out a frustrated sigh and shaking his head. He stumbled in the dark to the chair, which had to be a coffee table and then some away from where I currently sat. I tugged the blanket back over myself, curling up and letting my eyes drift over to him every now and then. His eyes were glued somewhere, glazed over, and his fist was firmly pressed against his mouth, the way it was when he was contemplating something. I felt the familiar tug on my heart that came with rejection. I wanted to walk over to the chair, to comfort him, to ask what was wrong, but my legs wouldn't move, and my throat burned, not allowing anything I was thinking to slip out of my mouth.

He caught me watching him finally, and shook his head at me again, stretching his legs out before pulling them up into the chair with him. "What?" I finally got out.

"What is with you anymore?" He let out a weak, sarcastic laugh, returning his eyes to the wall across the room from him.

I held back a laugh. "What's with me?"

"You heard me." He scoffed. "I can't believe how you blew up at Sarah." My eyes met his as he looked back over at me. "Yeah, I know about that."

"I didn't mean to blow up at her, it just happened!"

"You're that upset about us being private? I love you, and I give you time whenever I can, Alex. Why isn't that enough?" His bottom lip disappeared in his mouth.

I managed to get on my feet, a bit shakily. "Because, John, I want people to know you're mine." I put a lot of emphasis on the last word, my eyes traveling over to the shut door of the computer room. "I want people to know I love you, and I want to be able to talk about you, and cry to who ever when we fight, and kiss you in front of everyone, and not have to worry all the time." My lip quivered.

"Why would you worry?" His eyes met mine carefully.

"The obvious. How many girls do you know wouldn't want you? And what about when you leave? I won't be there for a whole six months, you could find someone else, or I don't know, maybe there already is someone else, it took me ages to catch on to the fact that you still had a relationship with Jenny. And it's not like you even keep track of me when you're gone, you never call, and when we do talk it just makes it worse because I have to watch what I say, and I can't even say I love you half the time." My eyes and throat were burning by now, and I couldn't bring myself to look up at him, feeling totally defeated.

"Are you that fucking insecure? There's no one else. Happy?" He shoved off the chair, standing frustrated before me. "When I say I love you, I mean it, but just because you miss me doesn't give you the right to be a bitch to Sarah, doesn't give you a right to blow off Pat when he wants to hang out if I'm not there. I mean, you hardly even talk to Pat anymore; you don't even talk to me anymore. So then I thought maybe bringing her along might help, but now you can't even handle talking to her. It's so pointless that you threw your fit, because it was what, two hours later, that I was trying to have time with you?"

"That's not the point, John. I can't do things when I want to, and it has to always be hidden away! I've told you how many times how much I hate this and you never do anything to change it!" I groaned, and the door to the computer room creaked open.

"Everything alright out there?" Ross asked cautiously, I was amazed he could even hear us over the game.

"Yeah, everything's fine, Alex just needs good beating." John joked, half-heartedly shoving me. I shoved him back, and took off running, the three boys all suddenly interested at the thought of beating up someone half their size. The O’Callaghan’s had always enjoyed teaming up against me, and I prayed I wouldn't trip as I raced about the house, John close behind me, he'd always been quicker, which I blamed on the longer strides he could take.

He grabbed the back of my shirt, and I continued to move, trying to pull him with me, only sliding against the wood flooring. He laughed and I kicked at his legs, tripping us both up. John pinned me down before I could get away, a twisted smirk on his face. I turned under his legs, it was uncomfortable to be on my stomach, and he gripped my wrists, holding them down as his thighs held my hips tightly. "So, boys, what do you suggest?" He glanced up at his brothers standing next to him with that familiar smirk on all of their faces and I squirmed under John, as he was distracted, talking to the two of them. He looked back down just as I was about to get loose, and I shoved out from under his legs, sliding and getting up off the floor.

The boys grew tired of wrestling after a while, when John had had me pinned down again upstairs. I shifted my weight, and rolled us over so I was on top. "So..." I started, unable to help myself from smiling when he did; my chest rising and falling quickly from all the running, my heart was still pounding.

"Yeah?" He ran his fingers up and down my arm.

"I think I figured out how to make it up to Sarah." I shifted on his hips a little; the wood flooring was killing my knees, and pulled my legs up Indian style on his chest.

"Oh?"

"Well, you guys missed her birthday...in November...so we could have a party...with all of you guys there, and Halvo and I don't know, everybody."

The smirk returned to John's face, and I knew this wasn't just going to be like the little kiddy birthday parties we used to have. "I like this idea."

"Yeah, I figured you would." I let out a small laugh.

"Am I allowed to plan it?"

"I kind of figured that'd be my job, since I'm making it up to her." I leaned down, and he pouted. "I don't care what you want to do about or at the party, do what you want, I'm just saying."

"Oh, okay." The smirk came over his face again, and I leaned down, pressing my lips against his. He gripped the back the hair at the back of my neck possessively, his other hand rested over my shoulder as he tugged me closer. I had to relax my legs back into the previous position, where they ached against the floorboards. I struggled to hold my body up after a while, as he continued to try and get me as close as possible to him. I heard his front door open, and tried to pull back, but he continued to hold onto me, and I shoved against his chest.

He bit down on my bottom lip, dragging it into his mouth before releasing me. I sighed and got up, holding my hand out to him, that he took and pulled himself up with, almost pulling me down again. "I should probably go...your parents are back...and it's late." I stuttered out, knowing my face was probably as red as it could get. "And we can have Sarah's party tomorrow..."

John laughed and shook his head, his arms encircling my waist. "Yeah, here, tomorrow, alright?" He tugged me tightly against his chest, and I buried my face into his shirt.

His mom called around the house looking for John, and he yelled that he was upstairs. She came up to use the bathroom and chuckled at us. "You two."

I blushed and John tightened his arms around me, getting me to look up. "I forgot I have to take you home, since I picked you up from work."

"Yeah, you do." I snuggled in deeper into his chest, but he let go of me, running down the stairs to get his keys.

-------

I should have known letting John take care of most of the party was a bad idea. When I shoved through the door the party was already a mess. I had to push past people to get to the kitchen, noticing the litter of red cups; I should have expected it to be this crazy. I made it into the kitchen where John, Justin, and Kennedy were doing a group dance to some techno beat. He smiled widely when he saw me, but I kept walking, having to find Sarah first.

She was swaying, dancing, laughing; someone had already gotten booze in her system. She was crazy compared to how she normally acted, laughing and shouting and hugging me when I saw her, apparently she'd forgotten about the fight entirely. "Thank you!" She squealed and Garrett took her hand, leading her off somewhere.

"Like my creation?" John breathed against my ear, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

I turned to face him. "Oh, of course."

"Good, cause I'm just getting started." He laughed, taking a sip out of his cup. His lips sloppily fell over my forehead and he walked away, practically prancing or strutting, and I made my way to the table where all the alcohol was sitting.

Halfway tipsy, and tired of racing around with Pat I made my way back through the house looking for John this time. He came racing out of the back door; whipped cream can in his hand a major grin that proved he had some kind of evil plan going on. "Where's Sarah?" I shrugged, looking up at him. "Sarah, baby!" He yelled, catching a glimpse of her and shoving past me. He attacked her with the whipped cream, spraying it all over her, and I couldn't stop laughing. Garrett leaned in, and licked straight up the side of her face, making her squeal loudly.

He laughed, and kissed her cheek, mumbling "tasty" I didn't think I was supposed to hear it, but I was right next to him when he said it. John's eyes shone with the new idea that had just crossed his mind, and he took off running, screaming for Halvo, and shoving the whipped cream can at me to hold.

He came back, dragging Halvo behind him who was whining, his face as red as could be. "I'm not doing it John."

"Come on, it's her birthday." John grabbed at me, and I handed him the can blankly, trying to figure out what he was doing. He pushed Halvo back against his kitchen table, who still put up a fight, but then gave in, lying back against it. I clung to John's side, like I did whenever I wasn't sure where I was supposed to be. "Come here, Sarah." John grinned devilishly, and she tiptoed over to the table. John pushed up Halvo's shirt and tipped the can upside down, unloading a mass of whipped cream on Eric's lower stomach, before gesturing at Sarah.

Sarah looked up at all of us, turning around and giving Garrett a look, he was obviously not as amused as the rest of the guys were. She then licked the whipped cream off his stomach, and I couldn't breathe from laughing. Halvo's face turned a million shades brighter than it was before, and I glanced up at John, the thought flickering through my head quickly that maybe this could be taken as more than just a joke. He just smiled and hooked an arm around my shoulders. Halvo sat up, and his face was unreadable, but Garrett's wasn't. I looked over at him, and he just shook his head. He forced a smile at Sarah, but I knew he was upset that she went through with it, probably more pissed at John than at her though.

John leaned against the kitchen counter, spraying out the whipped cream and licking it off his finger every few minutes. "What was that for? You could have put it on Garrett."

He rolled his eyes at me, sucking on his finger. "Go drink some more and leave me alone."

"I don't want to drink anymore, I've had enough, I'll start hanging all over you if I have more."

"You already are hanging all over me, and if you're just going to bitch, Alex, tonight isn't the night, we were just having fun." He made a shooing motion with his hand, and sprayed out more whipped cream onto his finger. I looked to the side, making sure no one was watching, before gripping his wrist and standing on my toes, sticking his finger in my mouth and looking up at him as I sucked the whipped cream off. He smirked, and I pulled his finger back out.

"Fine, have fun on your own." I grabbed the cup off the counter next to him and walked out back into the other room. Halvo sat on the couch, mulling a cup back and forth in his hands. I sat down next to him, biting my lip. "So...that was fun, ayy?" I nudged him, and he let out a small laugh, nodding.

"Yeah...fun."

"You know what, fuck this; I'm going to be blunt." Halvo's eyes widened a bit at me. "Why did John pick you? Out of everyone, I mean, hell, he could have even picked me." I laughed, tipping my own cup against my mouth.

"I-I don't know." He stuttered, and looked elsewhere. I felt my eyes squint as I looked at him.

"You like Sarah, don't you?"

"What? Why? No." He still wouldn't look at me.

I chewed my lip. “It’s alright if you do just…I don’t know.” I lost my thought process. “Talk to someone about it…yeah…” I felt my face contort in frustration, all the alcohol was messing me up. I shook my head and gripped his shoulder, before getting up and padding off.

I stumbled upon a conversation that I wasn’t sure if I really should listen in on. “So, tomorrow’s the big day?” Nick asked.

“Yeah, we have to get to Cali too, and start working on the new record.” Jared’s voice sounded out.

“You guys are leaving?” My eyebrows furrowed, and the small group turned to look at me. “Already?”

“Yeah.” Garrett cracked his gum, his arms tightly wound around Sarah, who was lying against his shoulder, probably sick from all the booze. “The day after tomorrow.”

“Oh.” I rocked on my heels. I’d forgotten my cup by Halvo, and I rubbed my forehead over the decision to get another cup or not, I was already half way gone, no way was I making it home tonight.

-------

Light shone through and hit me straight in the face, I groaned and turned, feeling like I was falling, I opened my eyes. “What are you doing on my counter, boy?” John’s mom’s voice came from near me, too loud for my pounding head.

“I don’t know.” I half groaned, half whimpered, rubbing my face drowsily. I closed my eyes, and my brain got foggy again, as I shifted trying to get comfortable. I turned, and the falling sensation came again, this time I collided with something hard, and when I lifted my head up, I was on the floor. I swore, and pulled myself up, hugging my knees on the floor and burying my head in them.

“Must’ve been some party last night.” I heard his mom mumble, shifting through cupboards.

“Yeah, must’ve been.” I tugged at my hair and rubbed my eyes, squinting to look around the room at the few remaining people crashed on the couches.

“Well, if you don’t remember, that usually means you had a good time.” John’s mom chuckled, handing me a water bottle. I nodded and took a sip of it, leaning my head back against the counter, closing my eyes. I heard footsteps come into the kitchen and more cupboards open, but I fought against opening my eyes again, knowing the light would blind me and make everything worse.

“Is he dead?” John yelled extra loud, his toes bumping against mine, standing right in front of me. I winced, and my hands held my head as I squinted, looking up at him. He was bent over in his boxer briefs and a plain white v-neck, scratching his stomach absentmindedly and smiling.

“Do I look like I’m fucking dead? Even if I was, I’m pretty sure I’d still be able to hear you.”

He laughed softly, the smile still not leaving his face. “Someone needs to learn to not drink so much.”

“Maybe if he stopped trying to be just like you.” His mom had to throw his two cents in, scrambling about the kitchen, making some kind of food.

“I don’t try to be just like John.” I defended, and she just laughed.

“You’re like a smaller version, maybe if we cut him off at the knees.” I chewed my lip impatiently, and John pushed my knees down so my legs were flat against the floor, as he crawled in my lap.

“I’m not a mini version of you.” I pouted.

“Course you’re not.” John curled his fingers through my greasy mess of hair. “You’re not as good looking.” I groaned and shoved his hand out of my hair, wishing he’d stop smiling at me already. “So, remember any of last night?” I furrowed my eyebrows at him. “You forgot about the sweet passionate love we made? And the wedding, and impregnating Sarah so she can have our children?!” He fake cried, putting his head in his hands.

“Oh, of course I do.” I looked up at his mom, who just chuckled, and I rubbed his arm lightly as he fake sniffled.

“You do?” He used a higher pitched voice then his normal one.

“You know I could never forget anything like that, boo.”

John smirked. “But you forget the fight we had last night? I like this.” He nuzzled his head into my neck.

“We had a fight last night?” And then I remembered the conversation between the boys I’d stumbled in on, about them having to pack up and get ready to go. “Because you’re leaving.”

“Mmhmmm.” John ran his fingers over my collarbone. “You should see the bruises you gave me.” He started fake sobbing again, and he was too close to my ear, making my head ache again.

“Please stop.” I spoke through clenched teeth.

“Sorry.” He nuzzled deeper into my neck, and I wound my arms around him loosely. His mom had to step over us to get to the dishwasher, and I pulled my legs in as much as I could so she could get by.

“I really don’t want you to leave.” I mumbled, feeling my arms involuntarily pull him closer to me.

“I know you don’t.” He bit his lip and pulled my arms away from his back, standing up and extending his hand towards me. “Come on, we have a body count to take care of.” He laughed weakly, and gripped my hand, pulling me up off the floor.