You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

“This is such fucking bullshit.” I groaned, messing my hair and climbing out of John’s bed, finding and sliding on my pants from last night. He didn’t even say anything, looking at me blankly before sliding out of bed and heading for the bathroom to shower. They had to leave in a half hour, it’d be six months. And it wasn’t even Christmas yet.

John’s phone kept going off on the bedroom table, and I picked up while pulling on one of John’s shirts that was way too big for me, as small as it looked on him. “Yeah?”

“John, man, the fuck you at?” Kennedy’s voice came through; other male voices could be heard in the background, but were too muffled for me to hear. I could hear the shower from the bathroom, and I bit my lip, contemplating going in there, or just staying in here and continuing to pretend I was him.

“Hold on.” I chose the first, muting the phone, and opened John’s door quietly, everyone else was still asleep, and tiptoed towards the bathroom. The door was unlocked, pushed open a little to let steam out.

I finally gained the courage to push the door open, and padded towards the shower. “Baby?” I mumbled, and I heard the water turn off.

“Hm?” He pushed open the curtain, I handed him the phone, mouthing ‘Kennedy’. John pushed his hair back, before he held it up with his shoulder to his ear, wrapping a towel around his waist. “Yeah?” He spoke into the phone, and I went to walk back out, but one of his arms caught my waist, letting go for a second as he padded over and he shut the door. “Yeah, Kenny, I know, I’m already late, I know. I just got out of the shower; just give me time, we’ll make it.” He sighed. “I got held up, chill out. I’ll be there.” He hung up, and pressed me back against the bathroom sink, pressing his forehead against mine.

“You should probably go get dressed…” I bit my lip.

“I should probably not even be in Tempe still.” He kissed my nose, rubbing my side lightly, which just caused me to bite my lip even harder.

“I don’t want to say goodbye already.” I mumbled quietly.

“You don’t really have a choice, Alex; I’m going to have to go.” He laughed weakly and entwined his fingers in the sides of my hair. I shrugged, and my throat and eyes burned up, blurring my vision a little. He tugged me forward, and I buried my head deep into his bare chest, as he dipped his head into my hair. His breath was coming out shakily, and I hooked my arms around his back, his head falling into the crook of my neck. “I’m sorry; I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.” He mumbled.

“Yeah, it never seems like it, up until you have to let go.” My lip quivered. “Are you really going to make me have to be the bigger person this time?” I asked rhetorically. John was usually the one to tell me I had to calm down, to tell me it was alright and the time would fly by, but this time around I felt like I had to convince him, which I had no idea how to do, since I wasn’t even convinced myself. “It’s going to be fine, alright?” I trailed my fingers up his back. “You’ll be busy all the time anyways, you won’t have time to breathe, let alone sit and think about me.” I laughed weakly.

“It’s six months. I don’t remember the last time I was ever away from you that long.” I swallowed hard, letting one hand course through his wet hair.

I bit my tongue against rehashing the past. “It’ll go by, you know it will.” I tried to come off confident, confident enough to convince him, but I know I couldn’t, it was just too weak of a fight.

He sighed and rested his chin on top of my head. “What time is it?”

I checked my phone, “Almost ten…”

John cursed loudly, before letting go of me, and opening the bathroom door. I felt lethargic without his body heat radiating against mine and just leaned against his door frame as he got dressed. “I should have been there at like nine.”

“Sorry.” I chewed my lip, knowing if I hadn’t spent the night here, he would have been up and ready, but last night seemed all like a blur, just like John and mine’s relationship would be shortly, once he was on the road and not willing to bother with me. He pulled his shoes that weren’t even shoes, more of slippers, and came back over my way, pressing against me. His lips met mine, slow and burning, and I let myself get caught up in it. I knew I was running out of breath, I knew I had to pull away, but I knew the second I’d pull away he’d be gone, and I’d regret it later, but I started to get dizzy, and pushed my hands lightly against his chest, pulling away to breathe.

I expected him to leave already, but he only pressed closer against me, attaching his lips to mine all over again. My back ached from the small piece of wood that stuck out of the frame that I was being pushed up against, but it didn’t even matter.

John pulled away this time, “I love you.” His voice cracked, and he coughed, kissing my forehead and bringing me tightly against his chest.

“I love you too.” My voice came out raspy, muffled by the fabric of his shirt that I was clinging onto as if my life was depending on it. He reached down, and slowly unhooked my fingers from it; his eyes apologetic as he entwined one of his hands with mine, tugging me down the stairs to the outside where our cars sat.

“Do you want to give me a ride to Pat’s? Or is that too much?” His bottom lip disappeared into his mouth. “I just want to know if you can handle it…” He dropped his hand from mine, and I fought against clinging or touching him in any way, I had to get used to distance between us.

“I can take you…if that’s what you want.” I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly.

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The ride was long, even though the distance between the two houses wasn’t so great. John watched me the whole way, it was agonizing, feeling his eyes on me, but I couldn’t bring myself to turn to look at him. He seemed disappointed that I didn’t, but I just couldn’t manage it.

We got to Pat’s, and everyone was piled out around the van and the trailer in the middle of the street. It was so painfully quiet in the car and John slid out, grabbing his bags out of the backseat. I pulled on my sunglasses off the top of my head, John hadn’t said a word to me since he asked for the ride, and he just kept glancing over at me, as he stood next to me while they continued to pack up the remaining things. The van was already on, and I knew they were going to be leaving soon. My lip was quivering, and I was thankful for the dark shades that covered my eyes, because they were tearing up, no matter how hard I fought against them. John yawned, and his body shifted, some of his weight leaning against my side. I just focused on the small pieces of gravel below my feet, rolling my shoes over them.

They locked up the trailer, and I finally looked up to John, knowing he had to get going, and he couldn’t even touch me because we were right in the middle of everyone. His eyes were sympathetic, but at the same time it was obvious he was probably hurting close to what I was. He forced a smile at me, but he didn’t bother to hug or touch me, he didn’t even take a step closer, but I knew it was for the best.

A few of the guys piled in, but Garrett stayed out, apparently Sarah had decided she was staying, I was a bit thankful for it; I didn’t know what I could do without both Sarah and John. John was already in the van, and I just stood cemented into the ground almost at the spot John left me at. I chewed my lip, and started to shift my weight awkwardly between my feet, I really wished Garrett and Sarah would hurry up in saying goodbye, because I knew John was looking out the window at me, and I couldn’t look up because I couldn’t stand how weak he looked every time our eyes met.

Sarah walked over to where I was standing, and Garrett jumped into the van. She was crying, and I felt like it, but I wouldn’t let myself. All I could manage to do was pull her into a hug, and we both waved as the guys drove away.

“Tell me it all gets easier?” She mumbled, and I choked back a laugh.

“It doesn’t.” I was being honest; if I’d had told her it gets easier it would just be a pointless attempt to get her hopes up, and I’m pretty sure she knew it as much as I did.