You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

Half asleep, stretched out on the sofa in the living room, it had to be past midnight, which had to have made this officially Christmas Eve, and it seemed like the boys wouldn’t be home for it, since I hadn’t heard from John in three days. I checked my phone for the millionth time, forcing my eyes awake and almost blinding myself at the bright screen and numbers, marking the fact that it was ten minutes or so after two.

Someone started banging at the front door once I was about to fall asleep again, my grams and Sarah both in the bedrooms. I tried to ignore it, who really wanted to be here at two in the morning? But the knocking wouldn’t stop, and simultaneous yells and orders came from the other rooms, yelling at me to go open it. I groaned and got up, stumbling to the stairs in the dark and falling down them a little on the first set, which only woke me up enough to make it down the next few. I unlocked the door, but not the chain, leaving it only open enough to see who it was, while I leaned against the wall for support.

“What do you want?” I asked groggily, rubbing my eyes before realizing it was Garrett that stood in front of the door, tired, but smiling all the same.

“Sarah.” He said simply, and I unhooked the chain, holding the door open. “She’s not asleep is she?”

“I don’t know, I thought so, but some one kept banging on the door.” Garrett laughed and hugged me quickly, before he darted up the stairs.

“We just came as soon as we got here.” I heard the yell come from upstairs when Sarah must have realized it was him, and I shook my head, padding outside and looking around at the total darkness. I’d assumed he would have brought John, but then I could be wrong. I shivered, it was cold, obviously, being Christmas and early morning, and being in just a shirt and boxers didn’t help. I sighed and stumbled back inside, just about to lock the door again when a voice rang out.

“Looking for something?” John’s laugh made me freeze, and I opened the door fully again, catching him coming around the hedge a few feet from where I stood impatiently. He smiled widely when he saw me, and a familiar ache went through my heart. My feet somehow managed to move me from where I was standing to outside clutching and burying myself in his chest. John laughed, and kissed the top of my head, only tugging me even closer into him. “I didn’t scare you, did I?”

“A little, but I should expect it by now.” I started to play with the buttons to his jacket absentmindedly and he laughed, his breath moving my hair. “What?”

“Nothing just typical, I’ve only been standing here a few minutes and you’re already trying to get my clothes off.”

I shook my head, looking up at him and biting my lip. “I missed you.” He rubbed my side lightly, and my insides churned. “We should probably go inside shouldn’t we?” I laughed, slightly embarrassed.

“Yeah, that’d be nice.” He looked around at the darkness around us, and I grabbed his hand loosely before he fixed his grip on my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine.

I led him up the stairs, having to stop so he could slide off his shoes and I could lock the door again, before tugging him up with his hand behind my back. Sarah and Garrett were cuddled up on the couch, eyeing each other in that nauseating couple way.

“Sarah, I’m going to uh, need to borrow the bedroom.” I didn’t meet anyone’s eyes, as I stared down at my feet on the off-white carpeting, and John’s fingers brushed under my shirt against the skin on my back encouragingly. I shivered, rocking on my heels.

“That’s fine; I’m probably going to Garrett’s anyways…” She trailed off, and paused to wink at me. “Don’t be too loud.” I felt myself blush, and John pushed me forward a little, towards the hallway, where I gripped his hand tighter, tugging him into the bedroom a little more confidently. Familiar shocks were flying all through my body anxiously as John shut the door behind him, and I found myself undoing his jacket as steadily as I could, even though I knew my fingers were shaking. He laughed, and it vibrated and echoed through his chest and the silence in the condo, reaching down his bony fingers to work the buttons undone. John leaned down, his lips brushing against my ear. “Calm down.” I nodded, sliding his jacket off his arms, and playing with the hem of the thermal shirt he was wearing.

“Merry Christmas.” He mused against my mouth, his lips colliding with mine, but different than how he usually did. He was being slower, more careful, and his eyes watched me while he started to toy with the small amount of clothing I had on, obviously unsure how far to take it. His lips reconnected and separated with mine over and over, while he overanalyzed it all. I couldn’t help but grow more and more impatient. John finally pushed me back onto the bed, while he fumbled with his belt buckle, shaking the way he used to in high school, and I would have found it cute, had it not been for the annoyance of waiting on him to finally undo them. I stopped him, shifting my weight so I was on top, pinning him down clumsily with my hips. My hands replaced his, moving more swiftly and unbuckling and tugging off his jeans. My lips met his again, before I moved my attention lower, trailing down his abdomen and nipping at the taut skin across his lower stomach. John let out a small gasp, gripping the hair at the back of my neck possessively, as he tugged my face up towards his again, slamming his lips against mine hungrily, that crooked smirk on his face the whole time.

-------

Something soft kept tickling my nose every time I exhaled, and it seemed to press up against my face anytime I tried to move it from one side to the other. I opened my eyes, squinting against the light that was filling the room, because my grams had to make the stupid decision to paint the room white, and with white curtains it all seems to shine, too bright for me to just be waking up. I realized it was John’s hair; his bare frame slumped on top of mine under the lightweight blanket that I always slept with. I couldn’t help but smile, as I gently ran my fingers through his massive bed head, and he shifted, his face rubbing against my chest before he looked up at me.

“What time is it?” He groaned, nuzzling his face back into my chest.

“Does it look like I would know?” He gave me a look to stop being so sarcastic, and I eased him off my chest, throwing my legs over the side of the bed and pulling on my boxer briefs off the floor. John immediately shifted into where I was laying, smothering himself with my blanket. I swore under my breath, having to dig around the room to find my phone, and John was already back asleep. I jumped back onto the bed right on top of him. “It’s already afternoon, we have the party in like an hour and a half, and it takes a good forty some minutes to get there…” I trailed off and he stared at me with one eye open, apparently not too fond at the idea of getting up. “You should probably go shower.” I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly, and John got up, not too gracefully, tugging on his own boxers.

He leaned over the bed, pecking me on the lips. “You don’t want to join me?” He let out a soft chuckle, and I cupped under his chin, leaning in and pressing my lips to his again.

He pulled away, stretching out more, and I shook my head. “Not enough time.”

“But wouldn’t you be conserving time and energy by joining me?”

“No, because it wouldn’t just be a shower.” I laughed, picking at some of the loose fabric on my blanket. His face pouted slightly, but he gave in, rummaging through my clothes trying to find a shirt that would actually fit him, before drowsily making his way into the bathroom across the hall. I padded out after him, sneaking towards the front room where my grandma sat fully dressed, and I crossed my arms over my bare chest self consciously.

I sat down at the kitchen table after getting a coffee cup filled with cheerios as pangs of pain shot through my stomach from sleeping through the day and not eating. I hunched over, the noises coming from my mouth as I chewed were the only ones in the room, since for once the television wasn’t on. I finally looked up from my cup, and I knew it had to be written all over my face at the look that my grandma gave me, letting on that she knew exactly what me and John had been up to.

My face burned up rapidly, and I couldn’t find anything to say, dropping my gaze back down to my cereal, finishing it off in silence as John padded out, his hair all wet. “Good MOR-er afternoon.” He smiled at my grandma and sat down, absentmindedly running a finger up my one arm that rested closest to him.

“Afternoon.” My grandma smiled that smile she used whenever she knew something.

“I’m going to go get in…” I bit my lip, pushing back my chair and setting the cup in the kitchen, before practically taking off running towards the bathroom.

When I returned, fussing with my clothes and tugging my pants up, before pushing them below my hips and tugging my shirt down farther, Garrett and Sarah were standing by the stairs in the front room, deep in conversation with John about something. I yawned and walked up next to John, who immediately gripped my hand, intertwining our fingers and running his thumb over the back of my hand.

“So, wait, when is Pat’s again?” Garrett asked, for once not getting so awkward that John was touching me.

“Tomorrow.” John smiled. “Tonight’s Alex’s, then mine. I think Kenny’s is tonight too, but I don’t know if I’m going, my moms probably going to make me stay afterwards.”

“And then tomorrow are Pat, Jared’s, and yours.” Sarah sorted out for Garrett, trying to help him figure it all out.

“Alright, I think I got it.” He bit his lip, twirling his keys. “You ready to go, then?” He looked to John and then my grandma.

The car ride was too long, and I was too exhausted. I had a feeling John was in the same boat as me, but he didn’t really pay attention to anything, staring in the opposite direction, our hands pressed tightly against his mouth, since he had my hand in an insanely tight grip. His eyes were almost glazed over, and he didn’t move much, he was thinking about something, and I wasn’t really sure what could have him that transfixed. Garrett made a stop out of no where, jolting us forward and John out of his thoughts, but he still didn’t release my hand, which was starting to ache a little.

I chewed my lip and looked over at him, not realizing he wasn’t staring out the window anymore, and his eyes met mine for a second, before he leaned his head on my shoulder. I tried to squeeze his hand, even though it was probably impossible for him to even notice, and instead directed my attention back towards the small conversations going back and forth between Sarah and Garrett and my grams.

-------

My cousins were already at the door when we pulled into the driveway, way too overly excited at seeing all of us, and then I noticed the four preteens at the door, where did the other two come from? I put it to the back of my mind, following John out the door of the car and up the steps. He dropped my hand, but still stood close enough to me. Simultaneous greetings were shouted when we walked in, Nicole, the youngest of my cousins clung to my leg immediately as I walked in the door. No one ever gave her much attention, and so I always found her off on her own, and I knew the feeling, so she would tag along behind me quietly most of the time. Hannah, her older sister and my other cousin, Elizabeth stood there wide eyed at John, who just chuckled and waved at them and their accompanying friends.

Sarah and Garrett piled in behind us, and more shout outs were made to them and my grams. I kicked off my shoes, hoisting Nicole onto my back as I walked over the wood flooring to the kitchen and living room where everyone was sitting, as John trailed close behind.

Smalltalk got made frequently through the night as it dragged on increasingly slow. John never left my sight, talking to whomever, before his eyes would flash nervously back over to me. Pat showed up not too long after we did, dragging along a bag that had to weigh close to what he did, filled with a few presents. Everyone swarmed in front of the tree, John and I curled up on the couch with a few of my cousins. Nicole was on my other side, and between her and the numerous other girls that managed to squeeze into the couch I might as well have been in John's lap, from the extent I was being pushed into him.

My younger brother had excitedly passed out the presents, while Gabe had tried his hardest to get them open before we could get our hands on them. John kept putting one of the smaller boxes on top, that had newspaper taped around it awkwardly, and I kept moving it to the side. John shyly moved it closer to me, and his bottom lip was lost inside his mouth. I watched him, puzzled as I tore off the newspaper, which revealed a small box. John pushed his hair back nervously, as he waited on me to open it.

I finally opened it, not before I glanced over at John half a million times, hoping it wasn’t anything too radical. A ring sat in the box, and I immediately wanted to shove it back at him.

His lips brushed against my ear. “It’s a promise ring.” John laughed weakly, his eyes quickly scanning mine to make sure I wasn’t too shocked. I opened my mouth over and over but I had no clue what to say, and I realized I drew attention to us, my grandma smiling bigger than she had in ages.

“Well kiss the poor boy!” She practically squealed with excitement, and my eyes widened.

“W-Why would I kiss J-John?” I stuttered out, trying to sound normal, but I knew I was failing. I glanced his way, and he was just as shocked as me, not planning on an audience.

“Well compared to what I heard you two doing last night, one little kiss should be nothing.” My grams smirked and I blushed terribly.

“I don’t recall anything going on last night.” Everyone continued to stare at me, and I let out an awkward laugh. Sarah burst into giggles across the room from me, covering her mouth. “Seriously, nothing went on last night.” I tried again, and my grandma started laughing too.

“Oh, toots, I know what you two do. You’re young and in love. Why, when I was your age, my man and I had the hottest-“

“Grandma!” I practically shrieked, glancing over at John, who was still pretty shook up. I chewed my lip, getting scrutinized by everyone in my family, disapproving looks were all that met my eyes anytime I looked up, and I leaned down, nudging Pat who sat in front of my legs on the floor. “Can I borrow your keys? You guys are going to John’s next right?” I mumbled.

“Yeah, I’ll just ride with Gare and Sarah.” He gave me a small sympathetic smile, handing over his keys.

“Come on.” I almost inaudibly mumbled to John, and he nodded, grabbing the small amount of presents left and trailing behind me silently, all the way out the door.

John shoved the presents into the back seat, shutting the door and almost colliding with me as I tried to get into the front seat. “You’re going to drive?”

“Yeah…” I trailed off, staring at him a bit confused. “Something wrong with that?”

He bit his lip, before shaking his head. “No…that’s fine I guess.” He mumbled, making his way to the opposite side of the car.

He was being a terrible passenger, constantly telling me where to turn and toying with the radio anxiously, while his feet were stretched up on the dashboard. “You want to take a left-.”

“John!” I snapped finally, stopping at a red light and glancing over at him.

“What?”

“Breathe.” I stated simply.

His bottom lip disappeared into his mouth, and he broke eye contact with me, glancing out the window. “I just want to go home.” His voice was overly weak and quiet, and my heart tugged painfully.

“We’re almost there.” Was all I could manage to get out, and he just nodded, continuing to avoid my gaze.

I pulled into his driveway, and John wasted no time getting out and started up towards the house without me. I decided against struggling with the boxes, and the small one that weighed so much more than the rest, and cut the ignition, climbing out and padding up towards the front door just as John shut it behind him.

I pushed it open, following him even though I knew I was unwanted. His mom greeted us both, but only I stopped where she was, John continued on. “Hey Ma, where’s the beer?”

“John, its Christmas.” He just stared at her and she sighed. “Out in the garage like always.” He wasted no time in making his way through the house towards it, and his mom eyed me. “What happened?” She spoke quietly, leaning against the one chair with a hand on her hip.

“Well.” I chewed my lip, hooking a hand in my hair and tugging at it. “My family found out.”

“And they didn’t take it well.” She finished the rest of it for me, and I nodded, sighing when John walked back over, tipping the bottle to his mouth.

“So what’re we talking about?” He yawned and leaned on the kitchen counter, setting down the bottle so he could rub his eye.

“How you could have told me you planned on blowing a ton of money on a ring and then giving it to me in front of my family.”

“How was I supposed to know your gram was going to freak out like that, no one was paying attention until she started talking.” He shrugged, taking another sip of the beer, and I held out my hand. “What?”

“At least share.” I laughed weakly, and John’s mom shook her head disappointedly at me.

-------

Most of John’s family had already left, and the guy’s hadn’t even stopped here long enough to do anything but get Pat’s car, apparently Kennedy didn’t want to be stuck alone with his family. I curled into John’s side more, his arm over the back of the couch while we watched “A Christmas Story” with his parents. John’s hand that wasn’t over my head toyed with my hand in his lap absentmindedly, before he dropped my hand, leaning closer to me.

“Where’s the ring?”

“Upstairs, with the rest of the shit from Pat’s car.” John exhaled, crossing his arms over his chest and moving over to leave space between us. “Really? How mature.” I shook my head, annoyed.

“We didn’t just go through all that bullshit for you to not even wear it.” John’s mom and dad glanced over at us, and John forced a yawn. “You know what, ma; I think I’m just going to go to bed.” His parents nodded, smiling politely, and I followed John off the couch, giving his mom a quick hug before I climbed the stairs behind him.