You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

I felt like I was on autopilot anymore. I’d wake up, drag myself out of bed, usually taking a good half hour or so just to get out of it, since it took me years to fall asleep in the first place, usually leaving me with four hours of sleep or less. Then I’d have to shower and rush to work, just barely making it on time and earning myself warnings left and right.

Work would always be long and frustrating, and the less sleep I got, the harder it was to manage with the small shifts I had, and I’d ended up falling asleep on a break more than once. Of course after work the plan was going home, laying there for hours on end, and then getting up the next morning and going through the motions all over again, and I knew it was just going to get worse the longer John was gone. He’d call as much as he could, and he actually made a point to talk for once, unlike past times.

The disappointing end of it was that the phone calls lessened and he started texting me more, always asking where I was or what I was doing or what I was thinking about at that moment. I know he thought it was a way to keep in touch with me better, but it started to annoy me that he’d ask me a question and then not respond for a day or hours at a time. Leaving me with about a text or so every few days.

A good example would be the night before, when I’d been working ‘til close and he’d just gotten done complaining to me about how much he missed home, and then not responded to me for a good two hours, while I sat there and stared my phone down.

I rolled out of bed, hoping maybe today was going to be better, I didn’t have to work, it was a Saturday, and it was getting warmer now that it was spring. I padded out into the living room sleepily. My hair was becoming a shaggier and shaggier mess and I had no plans on cutting it, even though it stuck out in every direction.

“This is an intervention!” Sarah announced, sliding into the chair across from me while I ate my bowl of cereal silently.

“What?” I looked up to her and my grams staring at me.

“Have you seen yourself? Do something already.” I just rolled my eyes, smoothing my hair down and fixing my shirt. “I didn’t mean like that.”

“Then what do you mean?”

“I’m sick of seeing you mope around this damn house.” My grandma muttered, answering before Sarah could.

“What else is there really for me to do, I have a job, and I have a man.” I pulled my legs up into the chair with me, resting my chin on my knee.

“You talked about school before…” My grams started.

“You really think I want to go back to school?”

“Well, you did.” I sighed and played with the remainder of my cereal, before I got up, dumping it and grabbing my keys.

“Where’re you going?” Sarah questioned.

“Out.” I responded, loudly shutting the door behind me.

Truth was, as much as I denied any and all help and advice from them all, I actually was still interested in school. I was hiding it from everyone so far, knowing half of them would just go running to John and he would encourage it too much. I’d gotten in contact with different directors, getting my way into a tour at Arizona State today; I’d had to wait what seemed like months for them to finally see me around, since I’d just decided it on a whim to finally go.

I pulled in the parking lot, trying to calm my nerves and toying with my phone, it was too early to call and wake up John, and I had to keep reminding myself there was more to everything than just John. I smoothed down my hair for the millionth time and climbed out of my car, hooking my keys through my belt loop and slid my phone in my pocket, turning off the volume.

I’ve done a lot more exciting things in my life than touring a campus. The girl leading it, Melissa, was pressing me for questions I didn’t have answers to, I had no clue what I really wanted to take classes in, I really didn’t have any major interests.

“Well what did you do after school?” She pressed impatiently.

“Kind of just sat at home.” I scratched the back of my head awkwardly while she gave me a disapproving look. She wasn’t amused in the least bit.

------

I got in the car frustrated, I’d missed John’s phone call while Melissa had continuously talked my ear off about the programs. To be honest, that felt like the biggest waste of an afternoon I’d spent, and this was compared to days I’d spent just sleeping. I messed with my phone while turning onto the next street, finally getting it to call back.

“Hey?” John’s voice made me so much more awake than I had been just minutes ago.

“Hey, sorry, I was uh...I was somewhere.”

“Well where are you now?”

“Driving.”

“You dumbass.” He let out a laugh. “You’re talking to me and driving?”

“At the current moment, yeah.” I pressed speakerphone and dropped it into my lap, rolling the windows up. “So…you called?”

“Yeah, I just wanted to apologize about not keeping up with you…and let you know it’ll be a few more days before I’ll really be able to talk to you again.”

“Why, something up?” My eyebrows furrowed as I stopped at a red light, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel.

“No, it’s just…” John half exhaled, half sighed. “There’s a party, tonight…”

“Oh.” I bit my lip. “And assuming you’ll be drinking you’re going to get totally smashed, right?”

“I just want to have a good time, Alex.”

“Alright.”

“What?” I guess I wasn’t speaking loud enough.

“I said alright, John, go have your ‘good time’.” I rolled my eyes, turning onto my Gram’s street finally.

“We’re not going to fight about this are we? I really don’t want it to turn into that.”

“No, its fine, you go have your fun, I’ll have my own, that’s how it works.” I hung up, pulling into the condo’s driveway.

-------

I practically threw myself onto the couch next to Sarah. “We’re going out.” I stated simply.

“Going out where?”

“I haven’t decided yet.” I spun the ring on my finger absentmindedly, it was a constant reminder of John, and these days it felt like it weighed twenty pounds or so.

“Oh…well I kind of already have plans.”

I glanced over at her. “Oh?”

“Nick and Andrew’s girls wanted a girl’s night out.” She let out a small laugh. “You can always come if you want to, though.”

“No, no, it’s fine.” I smiled weakly at her. “Go out, I’ll figure out something.”

“You grew up here, I’m sure you have someone you can call up.”

Alyssa Graham was who I got stuck with, out of every single number I could ever remember, she was the only one who picked up and agreed to hang out. I really didn’t mean to associate myself with her in high school, it just kind of happened. She was outgoing when I wasn’t, and at that time all I had was John, which left me vulnerable a good seventy-five percent of the time. She took me in, only because she thought I was cute, and she had a major thing for John. She was always trying to talk me into hooking them up, while John and I were together. He’d come pick me up from school, and she’d make sure to have something to tell me out of nowhere, just to make herself known since he’d already graduated by then.

She was bossy, always got her way, and for some reason could never find clothes that held her in, skin always was showing, and truth was, she hadn’t changed a bit. She wanted to come pick me up, not allowing me to, obviously wanting to show off. She pulled up in an over the top, obviously new, burgundy eclipse, barely slowing down long enough for me to climb into the passenger seat.

“Hey boo!” She practically shrieked in my ear.

“Hey Lyss.” I responded, faking enthusiasm.

“Boy, you have changed so much; you’re actually starting to look like you’re not twelve.” She cooed, more than obviously checking me out.

I fidgeted in my seat. “Well you haven’t changed a bit.” I let out a small laugh, running a hand through my hair and turning my attention back to the window.

“So!” She reached over, turning down the radio and pushing her sunglasses off her face, obvious knock offs meant to look like they were Juicy Couture.

“Yes?” I turned my head, and she was staring right at me, the same kind of look she used to give John so many years back. Well it hadn’t been that long; I’d only been out of school a year or so.

“Where do you want to go?” She smiled, and I prayed she wouldn’t suggest her apartment or anything.

“Well what did you have in mind?” I licked my lips, not purposely, but I had a feeling she took it that way.

“Movies?”

I drummed my fingers on my jeans. “What’s playing?”

“I don’t know, we can just go with it, it doesn’t really matter to me.” I just nodded, turning the radio back up.

I chose Nightmare on Elm Street, I had no clue if it was going to scare her or what, but I wanted to see it, and in my eyes it was just hanging out…but apparently she had other thoughts in mind. I didn’t realize it until a little into the movie, when I looked over and caught her staring at me, which should have warned me, but it didn’t. At one point when there was a suspenseful scene, she gripped my thigh rather harshly, and when I’d looked over to her to calm her down, instead of scared, she wore a smirk across her face.

She reached over towards the end of the movie, gripping blindly for my hand. I let her have it, not moving it or entwining fingers but letting it hang limply against her hand. It wasn’t any big deal to me. She ran her finger over my hand a few times, and then I felt her grip the ring on my finger, holding it up and trying to decipher it against the small light shining down now that it was the credits.

“What?” My eyebrows furrowed as she held my hand in front of her face.

“Is this a wedding band or what?” Obvious disappointment lined her face, and she scowled at the metal that surrounded my ring finger.

“It’s a promise ring, actually.” I cleared my throat, and she started laughing as I got up, stretching out. “What now, Alyssa?”

“Nothing.” She shook her head. “Who’s the lucky girl?”

I stammered a bit in my mind, before it automatically decided to go with Sarah, since my family had believed it for how long until the episode at Christmas. “Her name’s Sarah…she’s out with the girls tonight.”

“Out with the girls? And you called me?” She reapplied her lip gloss before getting up. “That doesn’t sound too committed.”

“Are you hungry?” I questioned when we left the theater, smoothing down John’s flannel I’d been wearing. I’d let the committed question float by, letting it go. I really hoped she wasn’t hungry though, because my stomach was hurting already, and the most I could probably go for was coffee, and even then I’d be pushing it.

“Not overly.” Her eyes looked me up and down.

“Coffee then?” It had to be close to eleven by now, but yet I wanted coffee for some strange reason.

“Yeah, that works. I don’t want to go home just yet.” She flashed me another smile and I shook my head, climbing into her car again.

Starbucks was surprisingly open, and still had a good two hours to go. We sat at one of the small tables; I paid out of respect that she paid for her own movie ticket. Alyssa picked at a cookie absentmindedly, sucking on her fingers every now and then in an attempt to get my attention when I’d zone out or stop talking to sip my coffee.

I relaxed back into the chair, stretching out backwards and hooking my fingers together. John’s shirt rose up, and I caught her watching before I tugged it down quickly.

“So…how’d you meet Sarah?” She tapped the table with her acrylic nails.

“On tour.” I took another sip of my coffee, spinning my phone on the table.
“You have a band?” Her face contorted confusedly.

“No, I went with John’s band for a few weeks last fall…”

“John?” Her eyes immediately brightened. “So you two are still close?”

“Well now we are, we didn’t talk for two years.” I let out a weak laugh. “But yeah.”

“What’s his fine piece of ass up to these days? And I do mean fine.” I more than noticed her facial expressions; apparently someone was still lusting over him.

“He’s out touring right now.” I bit my lip. “He’s not coming back home for a while, I’m actually supposed to go out to meet him in a few months…” It was April, I had to wait until the mid almost end of June.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, at Warped…” I trailed off.

“He really made it big, didn’t he?” She laughed. “And we all never would have thought.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, John Cornelius and all his glory.” I smiled a little, swirling around the liquid in the cup, suddenly wondering how messed he really was right now. “It’s pointless to call him that fine piece of ass still, he still doesn’t have one, if anything it’s gotten smaller.” I shook my head.

“Oh, you know what I meant.”

“Uh huh.” I yawned.

“Do you like…have his number then? Or maybe we could all chill sometime.” The words came out of her mouth so fast it took me a bit to comprehend them, and her face heated up.

Something churned harshly inside of me. It was stupid to get feisty or jealous over Alyssa Grahams wanting to talk to John…or was it actually something to worry about and I was just lying to myself? “Uhm, well…” She looked at me with her blue eyes, pouting and trying to beg her way into it.

“Please Alex.” She droned out the “x” for what seemed like ages. “Sometimes when you’re given a second chance you have to take it. And I definitely am up for that.” She winked at me, and I inwardly scowled, did she really think she could just get with him like that? “It’s just me, Alex.” She reached across the table, placing her hand on top of mine that I quickly retracted.

“You don’t even know him, Lyss.” I shook my head.

“That’s the whole point, to get to know him.”

I sighed. “Can you just take me home? I’m really exhausted. I’ll give you the number later, my phone’s dead.” I lied, and she surprisingly bought it, nodding and grabbing her keys out of her purse.

I got home before Sarah did, locking the door behind me. It was going on one, and I’d had to awkwardly hug Alyssa, avoiding the way she expected more from me. I still hadn’t heard from John, and I couldn’t help but feel a little off about tonight. Something was askew, I could just tell, it all wasn’t lining up right, but he was out there and I was here, and I was just going to have to wait to hear from him and hope for the best.

I tiptoed through the house. My gram was already asleep, before I dug up a clean shirt and basketball shorts. I made my way into the bathroom to scrub off all the high school memories and worries clouding my judgment. The water was hot, probably burning, but my back was numb to it, and I had to steady myself against the wall of the shower just to stay awake. I rubbed my eyes before finally just shutting the water off and slipping the shorts and plain white t-shirt on, I was beyond done for the night.

I wasn’t sure how I made it back into the bedroom, but I managed to somehow, collapsing on the pull-out bed and curling up in a ball before I fell asleep, the first night I didn’t have to struggle with it in weeks.

-----

My body ached endlessly when I finally made it out of bed the next morning. I ran my hands over my face groggily; trying to push my hair away from my face, but when I’d lean down it’d all just fall forward again. I groaned and felt around for my phone, still nothing new.

“Alex?” Sarah peeked in the door. “You’re decent right?”

“Yeah.” I laughed quietly, wrapping the blanket around myself as she pushed the door open and sat on the other end of the pull out. “How was last night?” I yawned.

“Fun.” She smiled. “I got home so late.”

“Yeah, I was home before you. What’d you guys even do?”

“Get crazy, like really, really crazy.” She answered sleepily, laughing a little. “What’d you end up doing?”

“Going out with Alyssa.” I wrinkled my nose. “We saw the Freddy Krueger film, and then got coffee. She was trying to get in my pants half the night, until she saw my ring…and I brought up John.”

“You told her about you and John?! I’m so proud of you!” Sarah practically squealed.

“No…she’s wanted to jump his bones since we were like sixteen.” I scratched my head. “So bringing up him just got her all hot and bothered and she wants to see him again and all that.”

“Oh.” She sounded a little disappointed. “What’s on the agenda for today?”

I stood up, stretching out. “Work.” I wrinkled my nose in disgust.

“Well doesn’t that just shoot out our fun for the day?”

“Sorry…hey, have you heard from Garrett at all today?” I pressed.

“No, as much as you like to act like we talk 24/7, we don’t.”

“Okay, okay, I get it, calm down.” I grabbed a pair of pants out of the stack of laundry on the floor, making my way into the bathroom to change.

-----

I really wasn’t in the mood to work at all, and it just made going there that much harder. I grabbed Starbucks on the way in, having to stand in line for quite a bit, since everyone was getting their morning coffee.

I was working with Carly, which really wasn’t a good choice, just another complication to work. It made everything a chore, she still whined and complained constantly, and I wanted to know how she’d managed to even keep this job.

I came back from lunch, and she was glued to her phone like always, but this time she gestured at me when I walked in. “Yeah Carls?”

“You know The Maine right? I mean you always play them when we work…and there was that one time that guy came in here.”

“Mhmm.” I eyed her suspiciously. “Why?”

She let out a laugh. “Look at what my friend just sent me.” She held up her iPhone to my face and it took me a few minutes to comprehend what was on the screen, before I grabbed it with shaky hands, running my fingers over it and zooming in. John sat, shirtless and obviously having what he categorized as “a good time” with some chick on top of him, that was lacking clothing as well. I shook my head and handed her back her phone, more like shoving it at her.

“I think I need to take off for the rest of today…” I admitted, suddenly feeling weak and sick to my stomach.

“Oh, come on, you can’t just leave me.” She whined, like always.

“Really Carls, I’m going to puke on your shoes if you don’t let me go.”

She let out a gasp, staring down at her brand name Ugg boots, which were so pointless for the Arizona heat. “Okay, but you’re taking some of my shifts.”

I let out a small laugh, toying with my keys anxiously. “Yeah, I figured that.”

“Hope you feel better.” She scowled, but still waved at me as I walked out of the store. I couldn’t even feel the ground under my feet as my shoes hit it, but I knew somewhere in my mind I was walking.

-------

Once outside, I slumped against the wall, sliding down until I hit the concrete below me. I was practically gasping for air, unable to breathe before in the massive crowds and chatter going on inside. I had no clue what I was supposed to do, and I cracked my head back against the wall a few times, tugging at the greasy strands of hair that were attached to my head. John was doing exactly what I was afraid of every time he went on tour, as much as he’d fight and tell me to trust him. Now though, after the past two years on my own and after finding out what he’d been up to the night before, my trust in him had to be completely shattered.

I hoped it was worth it for him, and I hoped he felt like a total idiot for thinking he could get away with it all. I tugged my knees up and to my chest, lighting a cigarette as fast as my hands would let me despite the shaking.