You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

“Yeah, yeah, I know Kennedy; I just don’t think he wants to talk to anyone. Wait, John said what? He’s kidding right? I don’t know why he’d leave! I don’t think Alex knows…” Sarah was arguing, obviously with Kennedy, over something, pacing across the living room while I lay on the couch, my new favorite spot recently, since I was faking the stomach flu to get out of work and I had nothing better to do. “He’s doing what? Well stop him!” Sarah got more and more annoyed. “Just give me time to talk to Alex; I’m sure he can get John to calm down, alright? It can’t be that hard Kennedy, tie him up or something if you have to, I don’t care, just give me a few minutes and we’ll work it out.” She hung up and collapsed on the couch next to me.

“Don’t even start.” I warned, pulling my knees up to my chest.

“Look, I know you don’t want to talk to John-“

I interrupted her, “No, I don’t, at all. I’d like to keep it that way.”

“I know, and even though I killed him how long ago, he’s packing up and leaving and the guys don’t know why and he just said he needs to come home for a while, and no one can talk him out of it. I’m pretty sure you know why he’s leaving…”

“It’s not my fault! I didn’t tell him to come home! He’s a dumbass for it; I don’t even want him here.” I groaned, hitting my head back against the couch.

Sarah held her phone out to me. “Why don’t you try telling him that?”

“Yeah…how about no?”

“How about he just comes home and runs in here demanding your attention and it’s your entire fault for not stopping him?” She shoved the phone further at me, and I sighed, taking it out of her hand.

“You all owe me.” I scolded, before I took off down the steps and out the front door, already dialing John’s number.

“Hey.” John answered a bit timidly after it almost went all the way to voicemail.

“What the fuck is going on in your mind?” I immediately snapped, glancing around to make sure no one else was outside.

“I-I just thought, if I came home…Isn’t this what you wanted?” He let out a low laugh; his voice was weak and tired, just like he probably was. I bit my lip, and kicked at the rocks on the ground.

“I just want to be included with everyone; I didn’t mean I wanted you to leave the band. And you’re ridiculous to want to leave them like that…as if we even want you back home.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” John pressed quietly after a few moments of silence.

“What do you think it means?”

“A-Are you saying it’s over? We’re over?”

“You pretty much ended it for yourself, John.”

“I was drunk, you know that…”

I shook my head. “Besides, if it’s done, it’s not like you have any reason to come home now.”

“You’re kidding right?” John let out a weak laugh.

“No, I’m not. I’ll give your mom the ring back next time I see her, and she can give it to you when you get home. That way you can give it to someone you can actually commit to.” I swallowed hard. “Someone you don’t have to hide.”

“Bullshit, Alex, bullshit!”

“I’m not bullshitting you, this is just like fucking last time anymore.”

“Just like last time.” John restated, laughing weakly. “How the fuck is this just like last time? Because last I checked, I’m actually trying to make this work, and I’m willing to try harder, you just have to sit tight at home, that’s all I’m asking.”

“Sit tight at home…while you’re with some girl, doing god knows what.” I was stressing myself out again, tugging at my hair and pacing.

“I was drunk, you know that…I-I’ll try not to drink so much…and I’ll call more often…Just please don’t end this already, we’ve already made it so far, and I really can’t wait to see you.”

I sighed. “John…”

“Please, Alex? I’m not going to beg any more, you barely have two months ‘til you guys are coming out.”

“I don’t know.” I bit my lip hard, but John wasn’t going to let me get away with it.

“I promise we’ll work it all out, alright? I love you, baby.” He hung up the phone quickly before I could even open my mouth to respond, and I let out a groan, walking back to my Gram’s condo.

“So it’s all worked out then?” Sarah pressed, the second I was up the stairs.

“Yeah…I guess.” I scratched the back of my head, glancing around.

“So…you and John are back on?” She smirked and I rolled my eyes.

“I didn’t have much of a say in the matter.” I leaned against one of the chairs, sitting on the arm of it. “He said he’s going to make it work…so…I don’t know.” I chewed my lip.

“Do you think he’s really going to?”

“Well, I hope he is…if not I can always just go kick his ass in June.” I laughed weakly. “Since even if I don’t go, you still are.”

“Shut up, my god, you’re coming whether you’re pissed at him or not.” Sarah was obviously not amused with my whining anymore, and I just shrugged, grabbing my keys.

“Where’re you going?”

“I don’t know yet.” I mumbled, taking off down the stairs.