You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

“Are you sure this is the right way?” Sarah pressed for the millionth time while I shoved past fans in an attempt to find The Maine’s tent outside warped.

I groaned. “This is what that guy said, I don’t know.” I tugged at my hair, frustrated that we couldn’t figure it out and the heat was beating down on us, and I knew I’d look like a mess by the time we ran into the guys, my hair was already matting to my face.

“Maybe we should have asked someone else…” She suggested, and I didn’t even answer, linking arms and tugging her up from behind me where she was following.

“Can we just chill out for a few seconds?” I snapped. I pushed my sun glasses on top of my head, but regretted it, squinting and putting them back on.

“Is that Pat?” I snapped my head up, trying to focus on where Sarah was pointing.

“No…Okay maybe…yeah, yeah it is.” I almost broke into a run, having to calm myself down the whole time we walked over. But Sarah and I still walked at a pace ten times quicker than what we had before.

Pat practically knocked me over with the way he ran and collided into me, and we unsteadily hugged, before he attacked Sarah in the same way. “You guys should have told me you were coming!”

“Yeah, that would have saved us the past forty some minutes of walking around looking.” I smiled, the past forty minutes was worth it though. I heard someone yell, and I looked up in time to see Sarah race off, almost immediately in Garrett’s arms after. I followed Pat to the tent anxiously, nit picking at my clothes and the way they fell.

I smacked Kennedy over the head, and hugged Jared before taking a seat at in of the extra chairs. “So where’s John?” I asked after a few minutes, not wanting to come off too eager. Pat just shrugged.

“Probably off somewhere, I don’t really know…” Kennedy looked around, zoned out.

“You guys need to stay out of the heat.” I laughed, standing up out of my chair. “I’m probably going to go see if I can find him…alright?”

Pat winked; a smile plastered on his face, and nudged me. “Go get him tiger.” I was the only one who really heard it, Kennedy and Jared were too busy signing something, but I still couldn’t fight the heat that crept on my face. I messed Pat’s hair and started walking.

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It wasn’t hard to find John, as much as no one knew where he was. I was passing the tents, glancing around when I caught sight of him at A Rocket to the Moon’s tent. The closer I got, the more I realized how absolutely ridiculous they were being. John had one arm looped around Halvo, the other firmly placed on his own hip while he talked in a high camp voice in front of the group of girls talking to them.

“Halvo baby?”

“Yes, darling?” I stopped off to the side of them, hidden a little by the small crowd of people watching.

“Have I told…you lately…that I love you?” John exaggerated his voice even worse, swaying Halvo with him. I couldn’t help it anymore, laughing loudly as John spun Halvo around and his head snapped to where I was at, eyebrows furrowing until he realized I was right up front, and I just continued to laugh. “Why hello there.” John lowered his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose, winking at me. I scratched the back of my neck, not wanting to draw attention to myself, but John was trying to get me to go up there with him and Halvo. I unwillingly padded up by the table and John slung an arm around my shoulders. “Much better.” He mumbled under his breath.

I leaned my head close to his, having to stand my toes a little to get close enough to his ear. “Surprised to see me?”

He shook his head. “Pat texted me the second he saw you guys.” I cursed under my breath and John started laughing, having to return his attention to everyone else when they started to stare questioningly.

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Walking back to the bus, John held my hand tightly in between us. Even when people stopped to ask him questions it didn’t seem to faze him, he’d just squeeze my hand every so often, or run his thumb along the back of it, making sure I was still with him. It was kind of questionable, where his sudden openness came from, but I wasn’t going to complain at all, enjoying all the attention too much.

“Hey, you remember when I said you were getting a tattoo this summer?” John smirked at me; we were almost to the bus by now.

“Yeah…not like I have a choice…”

“Would you be up for it like…now?” He squeezed my hand again, smirking. I knew why he was doing this, if he’d told me tomorrow or the day after I would sit around whining and complaining and begging him out of it, or constantly changing my mind, like the wuss I was. The only way to really get me to do anything major was to spring it on me, which was John’s favorite option.

“Okay.” I answered after a few moments, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip. “On one condition.”

“I think I can handle it.” We stopped walking, right in front of the bus now, and John pushed back his hair. “So what is it?” I moved around a bit, anxiously, taking a step back, and he tugged me by my hand up against him. “Well?”

“You have to tell the guy the reason behind all of this.” I stared more at his chest than up at him, unsure of his reaction.

“The reason behind all of this…?”

“That we’re together.” I bit my lip and looked up at him, and all he did was smile, letting out a small laugh.

“That’s all?”

“What do you mean that’s all?” My eyebrows furrowed. “You’re weird today.”

“No I’m not.” He covered. “I’m just…I don’t know, today’s a good day.” He smiled, and I dropped my hand from his.

“Or you’re up to something.”

“I’m not up to anything. Now stop stalling.” He hooked his fingers back through mine, tugging me away from the bus.

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John led me effortlessly through the streets, as if he’d had this planned for ages, and wouldn’t let go of my hand the whole time. “So…you know your way around Cali?” I mumbled, trying to start conversation as we walked down street after street.

“I’ve been a few times…” He nodded slightly. “I planned on moving out here for a while, like…we’ve stayed for a while, usually when we’re recording...It’s nice.” I just nodded along, chewing my lip anxiously. “You ready for unbearable pain?” John squeezed my hand.

“Uhm…I-uh…yes?” I stuttered.

“It’s not that bad, love, promise.” He laughed. I licked my lips and nodded again, even though my stomach was getting increasingly more uneasy, and he tugged me back towards the side of the shop, pressing close enough to me that I backed up against the wall. I looked up at John, and he pressed his hips awkwardly forward against mine, cupping my face in his hands. “Stop shaking.” He laughed, and his fingers slid over my face, moving away the pieces of my hair that were sticking to it.

“Sorry.” I mumbled back. I felt my face heat up and tried to calm down, even though my knees felt weaker and weaker. He smirked, and his lips came down on mine softly, trying to distract me from thinking too much into the tattoo, but at the same time his touch drove me just as crazy, if not worse, than my nerves. I loosely hooked my arms around his middle, and John pulled away, kissing my forehead before separating from me entirely.

“Come on.” He licked his lips and reached back, grabbing my hand and almost forcefully dragging me into the tattoo shop. I just stood behind him shyly, as we were greeted by a handful worth of men covered from head to toe in tattoos, and John kept gesturing for me to go forward in front of him, but when I didn’t, just laughed and tugged me towards one of the burgundy leather couches in the very front. “Do you know what you want?” He spoke quietly, as one of the guys me the clipboard to fill out my information, so I couldn’t sue them or anything, and I dug in my back pocket for my wallet, letting go of John’s hand.

“Yeah, figured it out just the other day, actually.” I answered, trying my hardest to make my hands stop shaking as I wrote down names and numbers and signed off the consent at the bottom, John just laughing quietly the whole time. The buzzing that was filling the shop from the other people getting tattooed was overwhelming and nagging enough, enough to get my nerves start churning again as I stumbled up to the front desk.

The guy up at the front, Jesse, was smiling and talking on about different fonts with me, and I nodded along, it was just small font, and it was just a quote, it wasn’t anything too eccentric. Jesse went back to his desk, and I spun around, chewing my lip, and taking my seat next to John.

Jesse called me back, and I glanced over at John, who just smiled and took the seat to the side of the chair I sat in. Jesse pulled the stencil off his desk, showing it to me, and I agreed on a size, before he ran back to the other room to turn it into a transfer.

He was back before I even had time to say anything to John, and I stood up, tugging my shirt off and chucking it at John’s head, trying not to fidget too self consciously. Jesse pressed it up against my left side, a little below my rib cage, before carefully peeling it off and pointing at a mirror across the way. I chewed my lip in front of it, the text was sideways, so you’d have to turn your head to read it, and it just barely fit my side for how small it was, having to curve around my abdomen and back a little.

“Good?” Jesse questioned when I didn’t realize I’d been staring at it for a few minutes. I nodded, hand flying up shyly in front of my mouth as I crawled back into the chair, stretching my left arm out and over my head as the tattoo machine started buzzing, and John crossed his arms over his chest, watching me carefully.

The machine started and stopped three times, before Jesse finally spoke. “Ready?”

“Y-Yeah.” I smiled weakly at him, and directed my eyes back over at John, the main focus I had at the moment.

The needle went in and I ground my teeth together, not entirely from the pain but just the burning shock that went through me as Jesse started in on the first few words. I looked up at John, his eyes were concerned, but he smiled at me, and I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, trying to focus on anything other than the constant feeling that someone was cutting into my side.

“So…any reason you decided on this?” Jesse broke the silence, and I opened my eyes again, as John fidgeted in his seat, trying to see what all was done already.

“Well…” I started. “It’s a quote from the Labyrinth…Sarah says it, I think”

“So you really like the movie or?”

I bit my lip hard, as he moved over a tenderer spot, and I inhaled shakily, looking up to meet John’s eyes. “It’s one of John’s favorites.” John smiled widely, and his hand crawled over my right one, as he ran his thumb over the back of it. “And the quote kind of reminded me of him…” I trailed off.

“So you’re brothers, or cousins, or…?” Jesse pressed, and I glanced over at John, he knew his end of the deal, and I waited for him to correct Jesse, pulling my hand out of his and rubbing my eyes.

“Uhm…well…,” John started, and I just watched him fidget around. “We’re uhm…we’re together.” He bit his lip, not looking at Jesse or me, and I couldn’t help the smile that spread on my face.

“Together?” Jesse raised an eyebrow at John, obviously not getting it.

“A-Alex is my boyfriend.” John glanced down at me, and his face started turning red. I bit my lip again against the pain, but forced a smile at him, gripping his knee a little too tightly as Jesse started shading, falling silent after John finally admitted the truth.

-------

“Well go check it out, before I wrap it for you.” Jesse gave me a polite smile, and I got out of the chair finally, stretching out, I’d only been in that chair for what felt like hours. I tilted my head at the mirror while Jesse got out the cling wrap, and John motioned for me to come over. I padded over to where he sat, and he ran his fingers over my side gently, reading out loud, his bottom lip in his mouth in concentration, like it always was when he focused on something.

“‘I need you. I don't know why, but every now and then in my life, for no reason at all, I need you.’…I like it.” John smiled crookedly, his nose crinkling up.

“Oh, good, because if you didn’t I was just going to scrub it off.” I laughed, playing with his hair absentmindedly, and John hooked his fingers through my belt loops, placing a quick kiss to my stomach before Jesse came back over.

“All good?”

“Yeah.” I smiled, as Jesse taped down saran wrap around my side. John handed me my shirt back, and I quickly pulled it on, following him up to the front.

-------

I thought I heard my name, but I was too tired to get up, lying on my stomach on the couch in the back room, while my side throbbed dully. The guys were all getting ready to go on, and Sarah was caught up with them, leaving me by myself with my mini fan that coasted in front of my face every so often as it oscillated.

I heard the voice again and I groaned as the door to the back room slammed open. I turned my head to see who it was, just John, and dropped my head back down into the couch. “We’re going on in like five.”

“That’s nice, baby.” I waved my hand towards him, trying to find an arm or something to grip on to, but I couldn’t find him and instead just flapped my hand about, still face down in the cushion.

John’s fingers trailed up under the back of my shirt, tracing circles. “I’d really appreciate if you came for this set…” He spoke quietly, almost unsure of himself.

I groaned and sat up. “I’ve been to how many of the sets John?”

“This one’s different, just please?” He bit his lip, pleading with me.

I sighed and stretched, standing up. “Alright, fine, I’ll come.” John’s face brightened instantly and his usually crooked smile filled his face. I yawned and he clutched my hand, dragging me up and off the bus, not even giving me time to put on shoes. I jumped from the steps on the bus onto his back, and he continued on, shifting me up higher and higher as he walked.

We reached the stage and everyone was rushing around, trying to get ready. “Where were you?” Kennedy pressed, and John eased me off his back onto the stage. He didn’t do it slow enough, and I stumbled, having to grip the back of his shirt so I wouldn’t fall. John whipped around once on stage, making sure I was alright, and I waved, giving him a small smile before joining Sarah and the small group of other musicians and other on lookers on the side of the stage.

“Hello faggot.” Sarah grinned at me, and I smiled back at her, tugging up my cutoffs as the guys started up playing.

“The Way We Talk” ended, and just as the guys started into “Right Girl” John shouted something, before holding the microphone up to his mouth again.

“Stop! Hold on!” He let out a nervous laugh. “How’s everyone doing? I want to thank you all for coming out.” John messed with his hair multiple times over anxiously, fixing it and then messing it up over and over, as he perched on the very edge of the stage. “I want to introduce you all to someone before the next song though.” He walked back over to the middle of the stage, laughing and turning to where Sarah and I stood. Everything started to freeze frame and slow down. “Alexander, come here.” He smiled, gesturing at me.

I shook my head rapidly, fidgeting and clinging to Sarah, who only shoved me away. “Go on out there!” She yelled, shoving me more.

“Come on.” John held out his hand in my direction, smiling. I slowly padded out to the stage, the massive crowd made my head spin, and I had to shut my eyes for a second before continuing on. “You’re beautiful baby, don’t worry.” He proudly stated as I fussed with the hem of my shirt.

I couldn’t remember how any of the next things happened, but they did, all still in slow motion in my mind. John gripped my wrist tightly, pulling it away from my mouth and towards him. The microphone fell out of his grasp, letting out a loud screech. Everything went in and out, and I couldn’t hear or see anything besides the boy in front of me. John gave me one last once over, his eyes terrified and anxious, before his lips came crashing down on mine.