You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

"Pour Some Sugar On Me" echoed through my apartment, a little too close to my ear, as my phone went off. I groaned and turned over, answering it, as the light blinded me from my window.

“Good afternoon!” Megan shouted, god did I need new friends.

“The ‘fuck do you want?” I groaned, standing up and stretching. I shivered a little as my shirt rose and the morning air hit my stomach.

“Want to come over today? What happened last night? You didn’t do anything did…” Her voice trailed off, all I heard was last night. I looked down and realized I was wearing the same outfit from yesterday, and I didn’t smell too good either.

“I’m uh…I’m busy today, alright?” I didn’t even wait for a response, just hung up, and raced to shower.

Halfway through getting dressed and trying to make myself not look like I half died last night, my phone went off again. I dared myself to not answer it, to just let it go, it was probably just Megan anyways. But then there was the curious side to me, the one that questioned maybe one of the boys was calling, maybe last night did really happen. I turned it onto speakerphone as I continued to glare at myself in the mirror.

“Yeah?” I questioned.

“Hey, Alexander, what’re you doing today?” Pat’s unenthusiastic voice didn’t motivate me any.

“…Why?”

“Well, we’re kind of sort of being dragged somewhere by Jenny today, and I figured if we all have to suffer, you do too.”

“Are you near anyone right now?” I questioned, shoving my hair back from my face in an attempt to make myself look my age.

“Uhm….no.”

“Alright, no, I don’t want to go anywhere, or do anything, that has to do with him or his girlfriend. Kay? Kay.”

“Why don’t you want to do things with me?” John’s laugh echoed through my phone, and I froze.

“Pat, the fuck…”

“Forget Pat, now why won’t you come out?” John interrupted me.

“We’re you that out of it last night? Oh, great, glad to know the only reason you’d get that close to me was because you were piss drunk.” I ripped hard at my hair, slipping my shoes on and grabbing my phone, pressing it up against my ear.

“I never said that.” His voice was half sincere, half playing with me. I bit my lip.

“Where are we going?”

No one answered me, instead I heard him yell in the background to Pat. Something along the lines of, “I told you I’d get him to come.”

“The mall. We’re outside your apartment.” They had probably been right outside the whole time, knowing them. I opened my door, locking it, and walked out, only to see the two of them dancing outside the van. I had no sweatshirt today to hide behind; it was too nice out, just a v-neck, which you couldn’t hide in no matter how hard you try.

“Ay little boy, want to go for a ride in my van?” Pat broke into laughs and I just walked past him, jumping into the way back against the window, as they followed suit. John pushed past Pat to get the one seat next to me. I wondered why he didn’t go to the seat in front of us, where Jenny was on the phone, but decided it wasn’t important enough.

I tried to stare out the window, but he kept knocking his knee against mine, or poking me in the side like we used to when we were younger. We hadn’t even made it back onto the main road yet, and he was already playing his little games. I tried my best to ignore him but he just continually poked me until it was either scream and let everyone find out, or give in. I knew what would happen the moment I did it, but I was too annoyed to put up with him any longer. I reached over and went for his hip, but his hand caught mine before I could make it there. I gave my hand a good tug, hoping maybe he was just messing with me, but he instead intertwined his fingers with mine, and ran his thumb over the back of my hand, hiding it in between us. Pat had headphones in and was playing a game on his iPhone, for the first time not paying attention when I really wished he would. John noticed the way I searched around and leaned down more in his seat, his face coming into my line of vision, as the crooked smile returned. He ran his thumb over my hand again, now turning to look out the window. He kept moving his thumb and my insides turned them selves in odd ways. I wanted to be disgusted, to pull my hand out, to shove him away, but the constant light pressure from his hand made me calm down too much.

I slid down in my seat a little, making sure to stay out of the line of the mirror, and leaned against him. I had no clue what I was so afraid of, everyone seemed too busy. Funny how now it was okay to touch me, but when we were together it was so taboo. My hair must have tickled his bare arm, because his head snapped and he looked down at me. I left my head down, not wanting to look up, afraid maybe this was going too far, but he just let out a relaxed sigh, and squeezed my hand lightly.

The radio in the van turned down as Jared addressed John with a question, looking in the rear view mirror to the very back seat where we sat. I sat back up and looked out the window, trying to tug my hand away, but John only clutched it tighter, pulling it closer to his hip. I attempted to pull my hand out again and he knocked his leg roughly into mine before giving me a look. Apparently I was creating a bigger scene, even though he was the one who wouldn’t just let go. He loosened his grip a little and I relaxed into him again.

We pulled into the parking lot, and a part of me inside ached, that meant I was going to have to let go of his hand, which I’d become accustomed to by now, and in no way wanted him to release it. He noticed me watching him, and his bottom lip disappeared into his mouth, I halfway hoped he felt the same way I did.

Jared swung into a parking spot, and everyone readied to open the door, John squeezed my hand again, giving me half a smile. Everyone piled out, and Jenny stood outside the van waiting impatiently, big sunglasses covering up a good chunk of her face. John released my hand, climbing out, and I followed suit, wobbling a little when my feet finally hit the ground. He reached out, an arm around Jenny’s waist, and tugged her into him. My heart sank into my stomach. It was a “he’s not yours anymore” moment. I walked behind all of them, not feeling too social at that moment. John turned his head, while Jenny was rambling on about something, and looked at me; it was a look of sympathy that flecked through those green eyes. I tore myself out of his gaze, watching my feet hit the pavement.

I ran up and caught up with Pat and Kennedy, once we were inside the mall, who were walking in front of John, making sure not to even pay attention to him.

“So where to first?” I nudged Pat.

“Where else? Toy store.” A big grin came over his face. I had a feeling a “Rat Boy” episode wasn’t too far from occurring all over again.

“More like, that’s the only place we’re going to be able to go.” Kennedy added, his smile competing with Pat’s for who was more excited for the little kids’ toys. I honestly couldn’t figure out which one wanted them more.

“Johnny, you’re going to come with me, right?” I never found Jenny to be quite so annoying until now. It was like nails on a chalkboard when she spoke. Maybe I was jealous, or maybe last night I was just half delirious and found her to be alright. I felt John’s eyes on me, and I looked everywhere but at him, almost wishing I’d stayed home.

“Yeah, of course,” His words were strained, almost forced, it sounded. He pulled her into him, mumbled words to Jared about meeting up with us in about fifteen minutes or so, he already knew where we’d be, didn’t even have to ask.

Jared, Kennedy, Garrett, Pat, and I all raced for the toy store the second Jenny was out of sight. Jared said she was always commenting on how immature we all were, it all just went over our heads. Who honestly cared what she thought, well, besides John.

Garrett and Jared migrated towards the back of the store, where all the video games were kept, while we raided aisles, pointing fake guns at each other, rolling on the floor, and creating one of the biggest messes we could possibly make. Little kids who were running around the store joined us, a little girl kept calling Pat her puppy and playing with his hair.

“Pew pew,” a little boy, maybe four, yelled at me, leaning around the end of one of the aisles with a water gun. I figured he was bluffing, laughed and revealed myself, thinking the gun was empty. Until, of course, he pulled the trigger and cold water shot across and down my shirt. The little boy burst into giggles as did the two elder boys. I chased after him, until his mom saw me. I was afraid I’d get smacked with her purse, but she merely smiled and laughed, apologizing sweetly for the little boy, Blake’s, attack.

Garrett and Jared returned and Garrett grabbed something out of a bin, a foam sword. He surprised us all, whipping it out and whacking Pat with it. We all joined in, acting like kids and laughing and attacking each other while Jared went to go pay for some zombie game. I went to whack Garrett back for the major whooping he had just unleashed on me, but swinging it back smacked into something. Someone, I should say, someone loud and bitchy and whiny. I turned around to apologize to Jenny, but she was already exploding.

“How old are you, twelve?” She screamed loud enough I’m sure it echoed through the whole mall. That was on of the worse things you could say to me. I was already uncomfortable with how young I looked.

“Oh yeah, and how old are you, fifteen? Fucking band members just to be popular?” I yelled back nearly just as loud. The guys all silenced around me, and Jenny strutted off, obviously crying, or maybe just playing for more attention.

“’The fuck was that for Alex!” John’s voice rose and he took off after her. Glad to know where his mind was yet again. What just happened finally hit me, and I guess a bit inside of me felt shameful. I wasn’t the kind to explode like that, but it’s not like I was in an alright situation, the past two days had been a total mess.

“It’s alright, you know, she does this at least once a week, if not twice.” Garrett tried to take the burden off my shoulders a bit, but all I could think about was how long it would take to get home. We walked around the mall for a few minutes before I spotted John coming back and I grabbed Kenny’s arm.

“I think I’m going to go ahead and take off, if anyone asks…” I trailed off.

“You sure you don’t want a ride or anything?” Pat pressed, but I just shook my head, picking up the pace and waving at them as I shoved out the side exit door. My t-shirt clung to me, still sopping wet, and my jeans felt ten times heavier. It was pretty warm out, so I tried to ignore the wet, figuring I’d dry off by the time I got to my apartment. Lucky for me, as soon as that thought processed through my mind, wind blew past me, dramatizing the fact I was already soaked.

A good two miles and a half hour later I slumped in through my apartment door, being home was bittersweet. I liked just having space to myself, but sometimes it’d be nice to actually have something to come home to, other than peeling walls and stained carpeting. I dragged myself into my bedroom. My clothes were still pretty damp, and I unzipped myself, letting my pants drop loudly to the ground, before grabbing them. Putting them into the laundry basket, which was well past overflowing. I scrambled through the dresser, finding a clean shirt to switch into.

I padded back out to the living room, turning on the television and letting whatever DVD that was left in turn it back on. I grabbed the throw blanket and snuggled into the couch, zoning out.

My door banged a few times, making me jump awake, people rarely ever came to my door, honestly. I stumbled to the door, flinging it open, while I tried to smooth down my hair. Who else could have possibly walked in that would have been any more embarrassing then John himself. He looked down, and I followed his eyes, realizing I was still only in boxer briefs and a shirt and blushed terribly, trying to tug down the shirt as far as it would go.

“You can relax; I’ve seen it all already.” A big smirk came over his face, not making me relax anymore, only making my face go redder. He wasted no time, pushing past me into the apartment and looking around.

“Yeah, of course you can come in.” I mumbled to no one in particular, closing the door.

“So…” John started, trailing down the doorway to the small hall and my bedroom. “I wanted to apologize, for how I acted earlier; I didn’t mean to blow up…” He trailed off, having to yell to be heard from the other room. I leaned against my miniscule excuse for a kitchen table, crossing my arms over my chest. He walked back into the living room, his face a little confused as he took in the sight of me again. I fought against the burning in my face, ready to run for my pants. “You live by yourself?”

“Yeah…” I shifted a bit.

“Like, totally, by yourself…?”

“Yes, it’s just me; there are no hidden boys under my bed or in my closet, if you were going to go scope that out, too.”

“No…I was just…wondering.” He licked his lips as his hand went to his hair and looked to the right of me.

“I haven’t had anyone since you.” I mumbled, digging my toes into the carpet. John’s green eyes widened a bit, and a small amount of shock seemed to set into his face.

“My uhm, my mom’s having a party, for me, tomorrow. A homecoming and all. Family and shit.” I must have shown unease on my face because John immediately added, “Pat and Kenny should be coming too, if that makes you feel more comfortable, and you know my mom.” The crooked smile broke out over his face, “She fucking loves you, you know.”

“I remember.” A small smile forced itself on me. Memories of when we were younger, and his mom was always around, always asking John when that one nice boy was going to come ‘round, flooded my mind.

“So, you’ll come then?” His smile widened more, somehow making the room so much brighter.

“Uhm, I suppose, only because you brought your mom into it though, not for you.” I smiled playfully.

“Good enough for me.” He grinned and his arms went around my waist, pulling me into him. I stumbled a little, not expecting it, and I collided with his chest. He dipped his face into my hair, but only for a second before releasing me, and making his way to the door.

“Shit, I’d say I’d give you directions, but you used to practically live there, so uh, just come by around one alright?” I nodded, still dazed and he pulled the door shut behind him.