You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

I swore and chucked shirts around my room, spotting myself in the mirror again I got distracted, yanking my hair this way and that. It was already one-thirty, I had woken up late, procrastinated, and inevitably could not find a thing to wear. I also had absolutely no time to shower. I threw myself onto my bed, fighting the urge to just go back to sleep, and took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself. My phone went off, and I felt like I was about to get disciplined for my lack of anything today.

Of course, it was John. “Hey, you are still coming right?” There was a bit of edge to his voice, apparently I was actually wanted for once.

“Yeah, on my way, actually.” I stumbled out, dousing myself in CK and throwing on a flannel and skinny jeans, trying to make something of the mess on my head.

“No, you’re not.” He let out a small laugh, and a weird sense of warmth surged through me to my toes.

“Okay, fine, but honestly, now I am.” I realized I was smiling, smiling at nothing, and hung up the phone. I needed to remember he was taken, was not mine in any way, but whenever I saw his face, or that crooked smile, I just wanted to hope so bad.

I forced myself out of my car, making my way across the O’Callaghan’s front yard. My hands shook, and I turned back multiple times, wanting to run for the car. Making it to the front steps to his door I shakily sorted me out, taking two trips up and down the steps before reaching a hand out to knock. As soon as I got up the courage to hit the wood with my knuckle the door swung open, and I swung my arm back, digging my hand into my hair. John smiled the crooked smile I loved too much.

“Have fun out there, yeah?” He laughed softly. I felt my face heat up, he’d been watching me the whole time. “Well, come in…It took you long enough to get here.” He smirked again, and moved only a bit to the side, making sure I had to push against him to get past. Two could play at that game; I shoved my shoulder against him and let my hand drop, grabbing his crotch in the process. I quickly chucked my shoes off, making a run for it, sliding on the floor in my socks as he grabbed for me. He successfully got his arms around my lower waist when I slipped and we fell loudly into the kitchen.

“John Cornelius how many times do I have to go over this with you, you’re twenty-one, for god’s sake!” His mom yelled from the living room, getting up and moving towards us. I shoved John off of me, standing up and smiling at his mom.

“Sorry, that was my fault, actually, Mrs. O’Callaghan.” I scratched the back of my neck, smiling innocently. When his mom recognized who I was she pulled me into a big, motherly hug, the kind where you can’t breathe. I held my breath, until she finally released me, holding onto my wrists, looking me up and down.

“I’m glad you finally cut that mop of yours,” She glanced behind me at John, who was busy stuffing his face with something, “Glad you cut yours too.”

“Yeah, John, stop it with the mullets already, I thought you had more class then that.” I mocked, sticking my toungue out at him. He mumbled incomprehensible words, mouth still full with food, and whacked me on the back of the head.
“Boys, behave.” His mom glanced towards the rest of his family, and then back to John and me. He was behind me, creeping like always, and she winked boldly at me. John gripped the back of my shirt, tugging me backwards towards the computer room, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

“You guys didn’t start yet right?” He questioned Kennedy and Pat, closing the door behind us.

“We were just about to…you want to be in it, then?” Pat raised eyebrows at John; apparently he wasn’t one for updating their online accounts.

“For now, yeah.” He swung a chair up to where they were sitting, before turning around and ordering me to sit in the corner, like a five year old.

“Oh, fun party.” I mumbled once they started filming, and they all shot me a dirty look. Pat went on about their break and future tours, Kenny following behind talking about merch, and John addressing everyone about their support, and coming out to see them and all. Kennedy must have switched the camera off, because Pat motioned at me to come over, but instead I ignored him, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Seriously?” Kennedy pressed.

“Well, they didn’t make you sit in a corner!” I protested, looking away from them. The doorknob turned and John’s mom stood there with a small smile on her face.

“Cake time!” She announced, before looking around. “Where’s….John, I think it’s time he was allowed to play with the big boys, he’s nineteen now…”

“Apparently I’m not, since I had to sit in the corner!”

“Mom, we were making a video, Alex can’t be in it.”

“Just, come get cake, alright? Before I’m stuck eating it by myself.” The boys sighed, getting up, and I reluctantly followed them, forming a mass around the cake, waiting on plates.

Everyone had gotten their cake and was quietly eating when I saw John watching me out of the corner of his eye. I tried to ignore it, starting up conversation with Kennedy, when I saw a finger coming from John’s side, and before I could stop him, got icing smeared all over the right side of my face. My mouth dropped into an ‘o’ shape, before glancing over to John’s mom, who wasn’t paying attention, and smiling evilly. I got a bigger amount of cake on my hand and John darted around, trying to stay out of my reach before turning right into it. I smashed the cake into his forehead, giggling nonstop and he shook his head at me, smiling widely. His eyes were wild and he grabbed the top of my head, before I realized he had just crammed cake into my hair. I gasped out, and shoved the cake against the space of John’s chest that was visible through his v-neck. The cake was cold, and so were my hands, he jumped up and down for a few seconds, both of us laughing hysterically. He reached over to get more cake just as his mom noticed what was going on.

“Why do I even try with you two?” She tried to keep a stern face, but ended up laughing with the rest of us.

“I need to use my manners, yeah?” He said to his mom, glancing at her while he grabbed my hair, pulling me towards him and licked straight up the side of my face that was covered in icing. My body froze, and a shiver ran down my spine. I blushed crimson and looked everywhere but at John, his mom, and the table of his friends and family now staring at me. Pat pushed back his chair, getting up to put his plate in the sink.

“You can’t just do that, especially when you’re still with Jenny, how would you have liked her to see that?” Pat scolded.

John scratched his head and looked over at me. "Well she doesn't know about him, so it wouldn't mean anything."

“You’re still with Jennifer? I told you how I felt about that girl…With the way you acted, I figured …” His mom trailed off and I wanted to be anywhere but here. I excused myself to go clean me up, making sure to use the upstairs bathroom, out of reach.

When I finally heard the talking stop, I made my way back downstairs slowly, counting every step as my foot hit. When I looked up John was standing at the end of the stairs.

“We, uh, we need to talk, alright?” He took hold of my wrist, pulling me into one of the closest rooms, a sympathetic look on his face.

“What?” I questioned as soon as he released my arm.

“I just….” He stopped for a moment to lick his lips, looking up to the ceiling, his eyes continued to stay there as he talked, apparently afraid of my reaction. “I just want to be sure we’re on the right page…considering we have history and all…”

“Oh.” I bit my lip.

“Don’t…We…Uhm….” He kept starting over and over. “Alex…I have a girlfriend, and me and you, that's…ancient history by now. You know how I am with my guy friends; we’re always wrestling around and leaning on each other and everything. I mean, we were like that, before…shit…” He mumbled.

“We’re just friends, really, I get it.” I forced a smile at him. “You don’t have to worry, I know what you mean, and boundaries and all that, really, and it’s…it’s fine.” He risked a look at me, and I kept myself composed, poker face ‘til the end. I made another attempt at a smile at him, I knew it wasn’t reaching my eyes, but there was nothing I could do about that. My heart was beating sickeningly fast in my chest, and I didn’t know how much longer I could keep up this game with him. “Well, uhm,” I ripped at my hair, “I should get going, let this all blow over and all, tell your mom I said it was nice to see her again…” John half smiled. “I don’t want to freak you out or anything, so I won’t ask for a hug, just…bye.”

I half heartedly raised my hand, giving him a weak wave before I walked towards the front door. I was past him when he spun, arms locking around my waist, and I frantically gripped at his shirt, burying my face in. I bit my lip hard, I wasn’t going to get upset in front of him, I wasn’t going to let him see me cry, it’d happened enough already. I gripped his shirt tighter, not wanting to let go. He let me have a few minutes, rubbing small circles into my back, and resting his head on mine, nuzzling into my hair every so often, which I’m sure, still had cake in it.

“I’m, uh, I’m going to have to go, before someone comes looking, especially after they practically handed me my ass.” John laughed softly; I could feel his breath on top of my head. My body automatically tensed up, without my permission, at the fact that he was going to let go. I closed my eyes, nuzzling into him more, and he let out a sigh, running his hand up my back. “Really, Lex, we have to stop.”

“I don’t want to stop.” My voice was muffled by his shirt, and my eyes were starting to burn. He dipped his head into my hair again, planting a light kiss on top of my head.

“I know you don’t.” He stated simply.

“But you…you d-do.” My voice cracked and I bit my lip harder. He tried to pull away from me, to look at me, but I wouldn’t let him, tightening my hold on his shirt. He continued to tug at my hands, and finally the tears came out and I couldn’t hide anymore. My hands went limp and I looked up at him, sniffling, ashamed that I even let myself get in this position again. “There,” I let the tears pour, “Since apparently you want to see this just so bad.” John’s bottom lip disappeared into his mouth, and he hooked his arms around my back again, tighter this time. I gripped back onto his shirt, crying silently to myself. He started to move his hands and then stopped, instead slipping one hand under my shirt, letting his finger tips softly roam over my skin, trying to calm me down. I gasped at his touch, hiccupping a bit as I forced myself to stop crying, forced myself to realize that the past few days really should never have happened, staying away from John was what was best for me. At the thought of that my eyes, already puffy and aching, filled up all over again, I was right back at square one, two years ago, and John was tearing me apart.

“Shhhh,” John breathed into my ear, and I hiccupped again. I pulled my face a little ways away from his shirt, before realizing how soaked I’d made it. He pulled me back in, kissing the side of my head and tracing up my spine with his fingers. “Don’t worry about it.” He tugged my shirt up a little higher as his fingers climbed, before running them down my back. I sniffled and tried my best to just focus on him, focus on this, this moment, his touch, everything, anything that wouldn’t make me cry harder.

“Can I-I be honest w-with you?” I asked, my voice shaking almost as bad as I was.

“Oh, so we’ve been lying this whole time? Okay.” I half smiled, sniffling again, turning my head so the side of it was pressed against his chest, allowing me to talk clearer. He ran his fingers back up my spine.

“I…I honestly don’t care.” I started with.

“Don’t care about?” His voice was filled with confusion.

“I don’t care that you have a girlfriend, I don’t care that you probably don’t love me anymore, I don’t care. Honestly, you could use me as much as you want, and just because it’s you, I would just keep coming crawling back. So I don’t get what’s stopping you, because I'm already hurting, and it can't get much worse than it already is.” His body tensed as I spoke.

“You really think I’m going to pull something like that? You really think that’s why I’ve been around you, why I’ve tried to make this work, just to use you?” His voice was offended, rough, not the sweet John that had been calming me down just minutes before.

“I don’t know John, I don’t know anything anymore! You called us ancient history! But yet here you are touching me, and you haven’t let go of me yet.”

“I was trying, to prove a point.” His voice went flat, calm, almost as if he was somewhere else in his mind, not here fighting with me.

“To me, or to yourself, John?” I wiped my eyes and looked up at him. “Because you’re really starting to have me fooled about what side you’re on.” John’s face was unreadable. I let one of my hands travel up, caressing the side of it, trying to calm him down, get answers somehow. He looked down at me, biting his lip and I couldn’t take the silence anymore. I backed out of his arms and ran for it.