You're All Two Sides, and Struggling

It’d been three days since my breakdown. Three days, and I’d spent every single hour in bed. Sure I’d get up for necessities, but other than that all my body wanted to do was sleep, and I obeyed happily. My phone went off for the millionth time and I groaned, slamming my pillow over my face as I let it ring itself out.
Someone slammed against my door. Not knocked, slammed. I groaned again, throwing the covers back, tripping over the mess my room had become. I opened the door, rubbing my eyes, to a shocked Garrett.

“Shit, what happened to you?” I just looked to my feet, defeated, wanting to just crawl back in bed.

“A lot? I don’t even know anymore.” I ran a hand through my hair and let him into the apartment. “So…any reason you’re here?”

“Pat sent me.” He laughed.

“Yeah, kind of figured that, from the constant phone calls.”

“He’s just worried is all; he said you and John were having some issues…” Garrett trailed off, the conversation getting awkward. He was alright with the idea of it all, but that was as far as it went with him, he didn’t like to be in on details.

“You could say that,” I bit my lip. “So…you going to go now? I kind of have a nap to get back to…”

“Actually, I was sent to get you outside a bit, you know, prevent you from becoming a hermit or whatever.” He smirked. “Now go get dressed.”

“Do I have to?” I whined and he gave me a light shove. I unenthusiastically shut the door, pulling on jeans and a sweater. “Happy?” I opened the door as I fixed my hair, grabbing my phone and scrolling through the messages. John, Megan, Kennedy, John, Pat, John, and about a dozen more from Pat.

“Yeah, come on,” Garrett jingled his keys and I ran to catch up with him, pulling on shoes.

On direct orders from Pat, Garrett was forced to take me out to lunch, and I attempted my best small conversation with him as I picked at my food. I really wasn’t in any kind of mood to eat, and it was showing, so I pushed back my plate, turning the conversation towards him.

“So…” I smirked, “Anyone you’re interested in?”

Garrett looked up from his sandwich, a bit shocked at the question. “Well,” he stopped to take a drink, “There’s this one girl…”

“Oh? What’s she like?” I pressed and his face reddened a bit.

“She’s sweet, adorable, tiny, really shy though…” And I could immediately sense the problem right there.

“So are you. Oh, so you two aren’t…” I placed my elbows on the table, leaning forward a bit, suddenly so much more interested.

“No,” an embarrassed smile crossed his face, “We really just talk, I’m just scared about some things, you know? But my god.” His smile widened. He took another bite of his sandwich, eyes darting around the restaurant and I dropped it, letting him have his peace.

“You need to let me meet this girl, alright? I’ll fix things.” I nudged him, once we were returning to the car, he reddened all over again.

“You really think that would help?” He climbed into the driver’s seat of his bright yellow car, ironic to how shy he could be.

“Well, I know it wouldn’t hurt anything.” I smiled politely. “But, since I’m offering my grand services, you need to take me to get coffee now.”

“Will you actually drink it if I buy it for you?” I nodded.

“Have you ever seen me not drink all of my coffee?”

“I don’t pay attention to you, man.” He laughed and pulled into the Starbucks a few stores down.

We walked into the store, Garrett holding the door for me and mumbling about ladies first. I socked him hard in the shoulder, and stood back at the counter, surveying the menu. But apparently I wasn’t the only one surveying things. I felt eyes on me, which I had come accustomed to, and awkwardly fake scratched my neck, looking around. In the corner sat a boy, close to my age, who was watching me, a familiar glint in his eyes. He had messy black hair, which continuously managed to fall over his eyes every time he looked down, and he would have to fix it every time he looked back up. He was tall, around John’s height, skinny, but no where near as lanky as John was. I got a hard elbow to the rib from Garrett when I realized he was ordering and I was just staring across the room. The boy looked up, catching my eye and smiled wide. It started to get on my nerves, the constant watching he did.

“Oh, uhm, a grande non-fat iced coffee.” I rattled off the first thing that came to mind, eyes drifting back to the boy, he wasn’t overly stunning, but I never would call him homely. Garrett gave me a look, making me behave. I straightened up, pulling my sweater down, and walking over to the waiting area for the drinks.

We had gotten our drinks and turned to leave. I walked past the boy, thinking I was in the clear, when he stood up, trying to catch my attention. Garrett whipped around, checking to see what was going on, and I motioned my hand at him, watching him walk out the door. I turned around, feeling small suddenly with the boy towering over me, unlike Garrett who was barely taller than me. The boy smiled widely at me, extending an arm towards me, I thought I saw a hint of a tattoo against his thin arm.

“I’m Brett.” I shook his hand weakly, while he gripped onto mine, toothy smile all the way.

I caught onto what he was obviously getting at, and took the opportunity to think of positives that could come out of this. John was so anal about how he had moved on, how would he react to seeing me move on, or at least fake it.

“Alexander.” I smiled coyly, playing with my straw with my tongue a bit, finding amusement in how he watched my mouth.

“Your name suits you well; it’s as adorable as you are. Most people are always shortening their names.” His smile only continued to grow. I bit my tongue, fighting back the urge to tell him Brett could be short for Bretterson, if he really wanted to go there. But instead I just played back.

“Thank you, you’re really cute too.” He blushed a bit, obviously not expecting that response from me. He fixed his hair again, reminding me of younger times with John; when we had to constantly move our greasy hair around just to see each other’s faces. His hair fell again and his face turned a darker shade of red. I smirked and reached my hand up before he could, fixing it, and making sure to touch his face a bit in the process.

“So, uhm, you should call me or something…” He handed me his number that had been messily jotted down on a napkin. “Seems your friend wants to get going.” I turned around to Garrett, who was outside dancing back and forth in the parking lot, on the phone.

“Yeah, seems that way, doesn’t it.” I tucked his number into my back pocket, turning away.

“It was nice to meet you Alexander.” He mumbled to my back, letting the words roll off his tongue.

“What was that?” Garrett pressed, climbing back into his car.

“I just scored me a little something. You’re too young to know what I’m talking about.” I patted his head.

“Yeah, okay.” He turned his eyes back to the round, flipping his volume up the whole way while we jammed out. “You better watch your cup.” I rolled my eyes at him, and placed it in the cup holder.

“Calm down alright?” I smiled, and went back to flailing myself about in the passenger seat.

We were almost back to my apartment when my phone went off and I dug for it in my pockets. Pat, of course.

“Hey, Pat.” I looked out the window.

“You still with Garrett?” He questioned his voice rather pleased.

“Yeah, on our way back, actually.”

“Good, listen, you don’t have plans for tonight right? Wait, what kind of question is that, of course you have no plans.”

“Thank you.”

Pat just continued on. “You know who A Rocket to the Moon is, right?”

“Uhm, a band, if I was not mistaken, it’s been a while since I listened to-”

Pat cut me off again, “Great, well they’re playing a home show tonight, and as their friends we figured we’d go, as in we, all of us…” Pat hinted to what he knew I didn’t want to hear.

“Alright, point being?”

“Point being, it’d be nice of you to come. No hard feelings, just a way out of the place you’ve been sulking in for days.”

“Fine…” An idea popped into my head. “Can I bring someone along?” Garrett shook his head at me.

“…Bring someone along? I didn’t think…” Pat sounded confused.

“But I can, right?”

“Yeah, of course, yeah, that’s fine…uhm, we’ll meet you in front of the venue then, instead of picking you up.”

“Alright, cool.”

“Cool, peace.”

“You really sure you want to do that?” Garrett eyed me cautiously, as I got out of the car. I just nodded, hoping I wasn’t making an even bigger mess.

-------

I pulled up in front of Brett’s address, or at least the address he gave me, and saw a lean figure standing in the dark, which slowly migrated towards my car, pulling the passenger side open and crawling in. He’d changed into what looked like tighter clothes in general, I was more on the comfortable side tonight, slippers on my feet, but it was alright.

“Hey.” He smiled widely, being sure to move his hair.

“Hey,” I smiled back, a little less enthusiastic, but he didn’t catch it. The ride to the show wasn’t too bad; luckily it was really close to the neighborhood, so I didn’t have to waste an awful amount on small conversations about our pasts and favorite things that he was so into. I pulled up, and sure enough there stood The Maine themselves, Jenny tucked under John’s arm. Pat waved at me as we pulled up, and Brett’s jaw appeared to drop a little.

“You know them, like seriously know them?”

“Yeah, we’re not going to be in the crowd, we’re going backstage.” I opened my door, crawling out, and running to the other side to keep up with Brett. He walked beside me, but as we got closer John gave him a look, and suddenly long, strong arms were wrapped lowly on my hips, and I was a possession. I looked up at John and bit my lip hard, he was looking a lot nicer tonight then he had the past few days, cleaned up, and I had to fight to keep myself from staring.

“Hey! And who’s this?” Pat smiled sweetly, asking the question they all wondered.

“I’m Brett.” He smiled widely. “I’m surprised I’m actually meeting you all.” He let out a weak laugh.

“Ah, don’t be intimidated, you should worry more about your date then us.” John tightened his hold on Jenny, and turned into the venue. I looked up at Brett, and started to regret what I was doing to him. Pat slid passes at me, and I stuck one in my back pocket, hooking one on Brett, before following them all into the venue and through doors to the back.

The band was about to go on, and we all stood in a cluster on the side of the stage, watching. Brett’s hands hadn’t left my waist since we got here. I snuck a look at John, who’d unfortunately ended up stuck next to me. His eyes caught mine, and my breath caught in my throat as his green eyes seemed to just pierce through me, filled with things I couldn’t decipher or describe. Brett tugged me closer into him as the music started, kissing the top of my head.

Two songs in and I was in front of Brett now, his arms around me, and his head over my shoulder. “Like We Used To” came on, and I swallowed hard, this song always seemed to eat away at me when I listened to it. I looked up and apparently wasn’t the only one thinking the same thing, as John’s eyes drifted my way, and then his eyebrows furrowed and he looked away from me.

Does he watch your favorite movies?
Does he hold you when you cry?
Does he let you tell him all your favorite parts?
When you’ve seen it a million times
Does he sing to all your music?
While you dance to purple rain
Does he do all these things?
Like I used to?

Nick burst into the chorus, and Brett’s breath seemed so much heavier on my neck, and the reason I hadn’t dated after John started to become apparent the more annoyed Brett became to me. Just the way he looked at me was in no way the same as how I wanted to be looked at. I was an item, a cute boy to show off, Brett didn’t like me, didn’t love me, and I sure as hell didn’t care for him. I figured it wasn’t anything to get too upset over; people went on meaningless dates all the time, except that’s not all I wanted right now. I focused back on the song, pulling a John and not expressing my feelings, reaching my hand up, and cradling Brett’s head that was way too close to my neck.

Will he love you like I loved you?
Will he tell you everyday?
Will he make you feel like your invincible
With every word he’ll say
Can you promise me that this was right?
Don’t throw it all away
Can you do all these things?
Will you do all these things?
Like we used to

Brett’s hand started to crawl up my shirt, running along my hip bone. I almost wanted to puke, but I willed myself against it. I grabbed his hand, pulling it out from under my shirt. I kissed the top of it, hoping not to insult him too much and turned around, getting close to his ear.
“I have to go to the uh, bathroom.” I yelled, apparently a bit too loud, because I swore I saw something in John’s eyes. I was halfway there when I swore I heard soft footsteps padding behind me, getting closer and closer. I opened the door and hands fell on me, shoving me in, hard, and then again, my back hitting against the bathroom wall. I looked up to meet my attacker, none other then John O’Callaghan. His face looked furious, arms against the wall above me, holding my wrists, leg in between mine, I was stuck.

“The fuck, you think this is funny?” He shouted at me, his voice raw and loud. I bit my lip hard and just looked at him, pleading him to calm down; I didn’t expect such an attack from him. “Well?” He pressed, impatient with me already. I still didn’t answer. “What happened to oh, I haven’t had anyone since you, bullshit.”

“What happened to I have a girlfriend and we’re ancient history?” I yelled back, raising my voice to meet his.

“What I said was true.” He retorted, his face leaning closer to mine, his green eyes wild. “I do have a girlfriend, and we haven’t done anything in two years. Two fucking years, Lex, that’s history if you ask me…You don’t even know him, do you?” He gripped my wrists tighter as he returned to his original point.

“I met him this morning, actually.” I smirked, having a bit too much fun that he was upset.

“Gonna go home with him?” He leaned closer now, his eyes had to look up and down just to take in my expression, and his heated breath was reaching my face.

“So, what’s it to you if I do.” I spoke just loud enough for him to hear, it was meant to sound stronger, but I kept losing track of myself in how close he was to me. He leaned in closer, and I took advantage of the fact that he was holding up my arms, scrambling my feet against the wall to stand taller. He didn’t respond, eyes just continuing to watch mine, before his eyes fell to my lips, then back at my eyes with a smirk. My knees knocked together, and my lips quivered. He tipped his head a bit, dropping it so I couldn’t even see his face as a whole anymore, just patches. His lips were close to mine, too close, and our breaths intermingled. Everything in my body ached, ached for him to take that final step. I missed his lips, his taste, suddenly. My body wanted him, and my arms twitched in his hold as I begged. Right when I thought he was finally going to do it, he let out a small, mocking laugh, releasing all holds on my body, and moving back from me, pushing the bathroom door open.

“It’s nothing to me, go ahead and fuck him.” He answered, the door swinging shut behind him. I bit my lip and did my best to compose myself, pacing back and forth, before splashing cold water on my face. It was almost unfair the way he treated me anymore. Every time we got that close I could swear he wanted it just as bad as I did, it was obvious at the way he looked at me. Suddenly, I remembered the concert, and the boy that was stuck out there by himself waiting on me. I swore and ran out, back to our mob at the side of the stage.

“You alright?” Brett questioned, his arms resuming their previous position, slowly creeping on my hip again. “You were gone for a bit.”

“I’m fine.” I sucked my bottom lip in, biting it hard. I looked over at the guys. Pat winked at me, smile broadly pasted across his face, so glad for me. Garrett just shook his head again. I looked down to my feet before even chancing one at John, who just smirked and shoved my shoulder, knocking me only closer to Brett.

-------

The show ended, and I was stuck driving Brett home. I was sick of how close he wanted to be to me constantly, and I just wanted to go home and pretend none of this ever happened.

I pulled up to his driveway, and he stalled at getting out, apparently wanting me to walk him to the door. I sighed quietly, keeping it to myself and climbed out, following him up the yard to his house. He had his keys out and stuck out his arms. I leaned into him, being polite, and tried to back out. His arms held fast around me though, and I laughed a little, hugging him again, before trying once again to back out. His arms snaked all the way around my back, and I bit my lip, looking up at Brett, knowing what he was trying to accomplish. I was cock blocking myself by just hugging him, because every time he had tugged me in he was trying to go for it. He leaned in, and I couldn’t do it. I turned my head, letting his lips catch the side of my face.

He smiled weakly, letting go of me, but the glint still continued in his eyes. “I…I-I’m not one to really do this…but would you like to come in?” He asked politely, motioning towards his door.

“Sorry…I can’t…not tonight.” I looked to the darkness besides him, biting my lip.

“Ah, alright, another time then.” He smiled, and shoved his key into his door.

“Yeah…another time.” I mumbled, waving at him half-heartedly before walking back to my car, trying not to bolt for it.